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Do you let your 4 yr old play alone with kids of the opposite sex?  

post #1 of 27
9/12/08 at 8:31pm
Thread Starter 
I'm asking b/c my just turned four year old DD was just kissed by a boy in her preschool class. This little boy has a huge crush on my DD (which at age 4 is a surprise to me). He hugs her goodbye at the end of school. He told his mom he wants to marry her, which is adorable.

Well they had a playdate today at his house and they went up to his room to get some toys. They stayed up there for about 5-10 minutes. When we got home I asked what they played in his room. She told me it was a secret, but then said she'd tell me. She said they kissed! I tried not to act shocked and asked what else they did in a casual tone. She said they got married and then kissed. After that they played cards and fixed things with his tools.

It all sounds innocent enough, but the thing that bothers me is she said he told her it was a secret. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

She also plays alone in her room (door open) with another boy friend. His mom is a close friend of mine. I love her son, but I also get a little uncomfortable that they play alone.

So am I uptight or is is fine if she plays alone with boys her age?
post #2 of 27
9/12/08 at 8:37pm
Yes I would, and my daughter had a "boyfriend" in preschool whom she kissed too. Not a big deal. In a few years she'll think boys are icky. Have them keep the door open and pop your head in every little while/if it gets quiet.
post #3 of 27
9/12/08 at 8:42pm
It's normal for little kids to experiment with kissing. Nothing to be worried about. What are you concerned about specifically? Do you have concerns about her playing alone with other girls?
post #4 of 27
9/12/08 at 8:51pm
My DDs used to play Marry and kiss with several of their friend, both boys and girls One considered herself married to her friend Alicia for at least a week. I wouldn't read too much into it. Kiss is IME on the cheek at that age.

Would you be uncomfortable with it if the friend was a girl?

ETA:

The reason the name sticks in my head is that the kids were singing for days "Alicia the bride, Alicia the bride, Alicia the bride, the bride, the bride" to the tune of here comes the bride because they made it up at the "wedding". Drove me crazy after a while, but still I hear it in my head sometimes now, 10 years later. I'll be at a wedding, they start the wedding march, and in my head I'm singing "Alicia the Bride".
post #5 of 27
9/12/08 at 9:00pm
One of my 5 yr old ds' best friends is a girl and they play together by themselves. I wouldn't be concerned about the kiss.
post #6 of 27
9/12/08 at 9:06pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Kiss is IME on the cheek at that age.

Would you be uncomfortable with it if the friend was a girl?

She told me they kissed on the lips. No, I wouldn't be concerned if the friend was a girl.

I know experimenting is normal and I really want her to have a healthy attitude about things like this, but I have some issues from my own childhood that I'd rather not discuss that make me a little paranoid.

I'm trying to find that balance between letting her explore and protecting her from anything more serious. I'm afraid of something happening to her and not protecting her from it.
post #7 of 27
9/12/08 at 9:14pm
Most "experts" (therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists) feel that some kissing between little kids that are close in age is pretty normal and not cause for alarm.

It's more of an issue when one of the kids is much older and in more dominant role in the "friendship".
post #8 of 27
9/12/08 at 9:20pm
no worries about it here. one of DDs fave friends is a lil boy, they love to play dollhouse in her toy room together. we leave the door open and peek in every once in a while.
post #9 of 27
9/12/08 at 10:04pm
Of the same age -- no problem. Older boy -- I wouldn't let them be alone. In fact, I don't let DD play at her friend's house because the friend has an older brother and the mother doesn't usually supervise very well. So they come to my house to play or I take them both to the park.

I still feel traumatized by some things from my childhood, so I'd rather be overprotective than feel later that I didn't keep DD safe.

Do what feels most comfortable for you.
post #10 of 27
9/12/08 at 11:06pm
Well, since our 4 year old dd was caught playing doctor (literally and figuratively) with her FEMALE friend, no I wouldn't worry. Kids this age are exploring these ideas/feelings. I woudl make it a point to make sure ALL kids were playing with the door open, regardless of whether they were all boys, all girls or a mixed group.
post #11 of 27
9/13/08 at 12:56pm
gosh. . .. i never thought about *not* letting my son play alone with his best friend who, at the time he was four, was a girl!!! You know, even if they play dr., I view it as part of growing up. yes, i realize that with a big age gap with kids, it can be much less innocent, but two four year olds . .. barring some issues with the other kid, i really can't imagine why not . ..
post #12 of 27
9/13/08 at 2:30pm
Just this morning, 6yo DD1 was in her bedroom with the door closed, in the closet with the closet door closed, with her 6yo male friend. I only discovered that because I went up there to invite them down for something and they didn't answer when called. I didn't worry about it, and wouldn't worry if it happened again. Both my DDs are very in touch with their own emotions, and if they were uncomfortable with something someone wanted to play, BELIEVE ME I'd hear about it.

I think as long as all kids involved know how to trust their own instincts, I don't worry about that sort of thing. YMMV, of course. Trust your OWN instincts too!
post #13 of 27
9/13/08 at 2:46pm
I wouldnt worry, I married my best firend in preschool too and we kissed, now as an adult he turned out to be gay, I wonder if our marriage had something to with it
post #14 of 27
9/13/08 at 4:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcng View Post
I wouldnt worry, I married my best firend in preschool too and we kissed, now as an adult he turned out to be gay, I wonder if our marriage had something to with it
I knew I recognized you from somewhere

I married a girl in preschool too. And no she didn't turn me gay.
post #15 of 27
9/13/08 at 4:57pm
My nearly 4yo DS has had a girlfriend for over two years. They hold hands and hug and kiss, and even all the adults call them boyfriend/girlfriend.

I think your DC may have issues if NOT allowed to play with the opposite sex. Playing together they learn all they have in common, as opposed to idolized, degraded or confused fiction.

Of course you also need to think about what bothers you, respect your intuition and background, and work within your comfort zone as well.
post #16 of 27
9/13/08 at 5:19pm
My ds's best friend is a girl. Neither of them are into playing wedding or anything like that though. They mostly like to play super spies or legos.
post #17 of 27
9/13/08 at 5:45pm
Hmm, I don't let my son and any of his friends play completely without some supervision anyway-- I stay out of the way but in earshot, and I look in from time to time. My son is almost 4. We live in a small apartment so maybe its partly a function of living in 3 rooms. And when he and the neighbors are playing outside, I keep a visual on them (not constantly, but I want to know basically where they are and have a sense of what is going on).

As a girl myself I had a variety of GIRL friends that wanted to do kissing games as kids. I didn't like them and I said so, and nothing much ever came of it. So I don't think its limited to girl-boy interactions. Nor is the instigator always the boy. (though in your situation it sounds like it). As the mom of a boy who is almost 4, I don't see that he has any interest in this sort of stuff, but I know we have neighbor kids who get right into it.

I think if its a non-coercive game that goes no farther than what you described, its probably not harmful. I would be VERY uncomfortable with any game that included sexual play in which one child was being coerced into playing, for example in which a child felt that they could not say no, or in which physical force (or the threat of it) was being used, or any game in which a child was made to feel bad about their body.

But it makes sense to think about your comfort level, as well as that of your daughter. You should certainly be able to talk openly with a 4yo about it too. While these sorts of things are very normal, it also seems like an appropriate moment to begin to articulate the limits of what is acceptable in your family- of course without judging anything that has happened before, b/c you wouldn't want your child feeling humiliated or guilty for having kissed her friend. While I personally don't think that this kind of play is unusual or bad, I also don't see anything wrong with having a clear limit about no kissing on the mouth, no touching body parts that are inside underwear, etc (and really, there are hygenic reasons for this too!). Can you even redirect this "marriage" play away from kissing (b/c married people do all sorts of things together, after all).

Also, as horrible as I find it to think about, some kids have experienced or witnessed abuse from adults and older children, or they may have merely witnessed sexual behavior that goes way beyond their understanding and your comfort level. So, it might make sense to be extra alert with a kid who you don't really know, or who seems to be doing things unusual/abnormal for their age, such as any games that combine humiliation or violence with sex play. I can't find my copy right now but I remember that there is quite a bit about this in "becoming the parent you want to be"-- what is normal, what are the warning signs of something unusual.
post #18 of 27
9/13/08 at 7:37pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
I knew I recognized you from somewhere

I married a girl in preschool too. And no she didn't turn me gay.
Whew a weight has been lifted off my shoulders
post #19 of 27
9/14/08 at 3:57am
Yes i would, my youngest son (4 yrs) is playing a lot with the 5 yr old daughter of my friend.
post #20 of 27
9/14/08 at 7:25am
lol, I had a babysitter when I was 4, and the babysitter's son (5) used to send off our little brother and sister on some mission and then bring me into the closet and kiss me! I liked it
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Mothering › Forums › Parenting › Ages and Stages › The Childhood Years › Do you let your 4 yr old play alone with kids of the opposite sex?