Another UNBELIEVABLE Comment From Mainstream Mom - Page 2

[BusyMommy]

Yeah, sadly, she likely IS proud of herself. I know someone like that, also. My dh' best friend's wife. She thinks I'm a total freak b/c I can't parent my children the "right" way.

[sweetc]

That makes me sick.

It also makes me wonder why when I hear something like this, there is rarely anyone that says anything to the mom. I know it is hard for me to speak up, and I often, and after the fact, wonder why. What am I afraid of that I don't say what I am thinking... I know what I would like to say... but maybe its just that I don't trust myself to say it in anything close to a constructive manner.

Anyone else feel this way?

Christine

[rainsmom]

Its such a touchy issue....to speak up to someone and tell them what they are doing is wrong.

I was just shocked at the time.....now I can think of alot of things I would say to her.......

I promise though, if/when I hear it again, I WILL say SOMETHING.

[MamaMonica]

I agree- that is beyond mainstream into cruel. Unfortunately, it is something my mother would suggest, along with tying a child in a chair. (Can you tell how I was raised?)

[TranscendentalMom]

I've got another one...a lady that lives on my street told me that when her son was little she duct taped a binky in his mouth "because I was so sleep deprived. You just do the craziest things when your sleep deprived!" And then she gave a little laugh like it was the silliest thing.

What I wonder is...what do these people do that they DON'T admit to!

[sunnmama]

Originally posted by slightly crunchy
stacking baby gates one on top of the other in their 2 year old's doorway to keep him from coming into their room at night.

I have heard of parents doing this after waking to find their 2 year old roaming the house...or out in the backyard....as a method of keeping a (happy) adventurer safe...and I think that is probably ok. I am hoping those parents would wake and go to the child if he called from behind the gate. But a child screaming to get out?! Horrific.
And what practical purpose does it serve, anyway? How can this possibly afford you more sleep, when your child is screaming in the next room? What mother can sleep when her child is screaming????!!! (makes you wonder if she does not wear ear plugs.....)

[justmama]

Originally posted by Bearsmama
I used to be more judgmental of "mainstream" moms, but I've realized that if the love is there, I can find something in common with most everyone.

I completely agree. My daughter attends an in-home daycare run by a very "mainstream" mom but the love in that household is evident. Normally I wouldn't put myy daughter in a household like that but the love that this woman showers on her children and my daughter is enough to make up for everything. She might let her own children cio and might use corporal punishment on her older daughter but there IS love. And that is all that matters to me. I don't judge her and she doesn't judge me. We work together to raise my daughter. But the mother in the original post was just plain cruel. Pure and simple cruelty. You wonder how people can sit there listening to this and not want to shake her. I can't imagine doing that to my daughter and she is 3!!!!!!!!!


Meg

[sleepies]

how sad

it makes me sad to think how some kids are raised.

what that is going to do to their psyche

[rainsmom]

It has NOTHING to do with being Mainstream. Its about being ignorant, neglectful and cruel.

I have mainstream friends/aquaintences and they would never THINK of doing something like this.

Im sorry for even putting that in my OP.

[BusyMommy]

a lady that lives on my street told me that when her son was little she duct taped a binky in his mouth "because I was so sleep deprived

Sadly, I also know someone that did this, too. She found some kind of medical tape that she rigged up so the binky could NOT come out of his mouth. Kid used that binky till he was over 3.
This was/is a tough one for me b/c yes, I think it's cruel, but she also had severe postpartum psychosis. So...weighing the consequences, maybe she was right to enforce a silent child?

I agree it's not "mainstream," but maybe selfish would be a
good descriptor?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hey, Rainsmom

I had the idea from the other posters that you could just talk to her about the fire saftey issue. Maybe she hasn't thought of that and would consider not doing it after you say something.

You could say something like, "Are you not worried that something could happen like a fire or something happening to you whild your child is locked in the room?" You could try to put in a non-accusative way...like you're just curious about this "wonderful" parenting solution she's got going on!

[PurplePixiePooh]

I gotta say it...she is irresponsible, cruel and IMO committing child abuse. I would call CPS to be honest.

[gurumama]

With someone like this, you have to frame the consequences of the act in HER terms, sadly. She's so self-centered that if you said, "Oh, poor kid, that's so sad for him," she won't get it. But if you say, "You know, that's a fire hazard, and if you ever had a fire in your house and the fire department came, even if everyone was safe and fine, the fire department could report you to the police or DCS."

Now it's about HER--she might be reported to the police, or arrested, or have DCS come after her. That might get her to change the behavior of locking him in, but sadly she'll find some other way to distance him.

[jeca]

I didn't real all the replies but I do think that's kid of mean. Seems to me if you don't want your child to wake you up at 5:30am you should just push back their bedtime so they go to sleep later therefor get up later but I guess that may be too much on an inconviance.

NAK

[ryansmom02]

This is just sad

[oatmeal]

Originally posted by rainsmom
youre right KristaCiel......it isnt mainstream...just cruel.

I hate to disagree with you there - but it is actually very mainstream. I hang out with a mom or two from dd's playgroup and they all do obscene things. One mom whose child dd really likes - she's SAHM - has no financial worries, taken care of by lawyer hubby - and just has no patience at all with her toddler - he gets locked up, yelled at, whatever.

I can't judge because I have other tortures set up for my little one - like no daddy, and I'm stressed all the time trying to make ends meet, we don't have nice amounts of money to get her the nicer things in life. But all I can say is that most parents who are not ap think it's perfectly acceptable to lock kids up, tie them down, punish them, spank them, and verbally harrass them. Intelligent parents - educated parents - they think whatever it takes to control the child is what they have to do.

It is mainstream.

[AnnMarie]

That's not only cruel it's also a hazard. What if there were a fire or something wrong with the boy and he couldn't get help? I think you should consider reporting this woman to social services.

[BusyMommy]

http://www.aeca.org.au/Controled%20Crying.pdf

This is a really cool article. Just thought I'd share as I just came across it today.

[lizziejean]

ok I can't believe I'm going to disagree with you all... I hate conflict... but I do see another point of view.

I'm kind of half 'mainstream' and half ap. eg I'm tandem nursing my 16 mo and my 34 mo, I use a sling... but I don't co-sleep and I have 'ferberized' both of them. If you think co-sleeping is the only loving way to raise children, don't read any further, because my whole post is going to make you nuts :-)

First of all can I say I have listened to my dd scream and kick for 20 mins from the other side of a locked bedroom door (actually with wobbly childproof doorknob on the inside). At the time, I was trying to get my son to sleep (he was sick and needed to be patted to sleep.) Of course, the noise of her screaming and kicking made the process much longer - aaggghh! I still remember how overwhelmed I felt that day. Phew! But apart from this instance, I had her with a wobbly door knob ie locked door from 21 months when she went to her big girl bed until 2 and a bit when she started to rebel too much against the closed door per se - then she was old enough to teach to stay in of her own free will. This might be too 'mainstream' for some of you, but I need her to stay in her room during the night and during naptime. My house is just not safe enough for an unsupervised toddler to roam around in. But during most of that time, the locked door served as a barrier, a limit to her space, which she didn't rail against, rather than as bars on a cage, if you understand the difference. When that changed, I removed the 'lock'.

I looked at it like this: when dd was in her crib, she was confined to that space. When she moved to her big girl bed, she was confined to a much larger space. So where's the problem? She still needs to be kept safe at night, ie in her very childproof room. And the firesafe issue - that's only relevant when the child is old enough to act in a logical way in the face of fire - ie running away etc... I don't know what age that is, but it's probably around 3? not sure. Until then, you are going to have to get there yourself anyway to help them. This lady's kid was 18-20 mos - way too young to get himself out of the way of a fire on his own.

Also, re the lady in the op - I wasn't there of course, but I think you might be misinterpreting the 'bragging'. Sometimes bragging is done to try to feel better about something that you're not proud of - maybe she was trying to a) brazen it out, and b) maybe get some support... maybe she was hoping that someone else would say 'oh I've so been there honey'...

It's very hard to truly understand a parent-child relationship from the outside, just like it's hard to understand a marriage from the outside.

So - hope I haven't offended anyone here - would welcome more discussion!


Elizabeth
dd 12-24-00
ds 7-2-02

[mamaduck]

My experience is that this sort of thing is accepted more readily among mainstreamers. Maybe not practised widely, but eyes are not batted at such stories.

I had a woman tell me that she was *taught* this tactic in a parenting "effectiveness" class. She locked her bedroom door so that her 3 yo could not get to her during the night, and she let him scream and kick and pound until he fell asleep in the hallway. The next morning, she stepped over him and let him sleep in on the floor in the hallway. She said it only took "3 nights" until he learned to stay in his own bed. She was taught to do this by a self-proclaimed expert!!! I just very simply said, "I would rather be sleep deprived than do that to a small child."

I also have a close friend who practises Ezzo's methods.... and she let her babies CIO for up to an hour and a half (even the one who had severe alleries and chronic ear infections) and when they were too old for cribs she either gated or locked them into their rooms. AND -- she *does* wear earplugs!! She and I used to go 'round and 'round on these issues because I care about her and I care about her kids. And I know that she does love her kids. I don't argue with her anymore though. I'm starting to understand that her DH doesn't lift a finger to help with the kids, and that he has pretty high expectations of her and can be as hard on her as she is on their kids. She is probably doing the best she thinks she can. Its still sad... but she isn't evil.