Ashamed of how I am feeling about ds and baseball :(

[wildmonkeys]

Please don't flame me - I feel bad enough about how I am feeling.

My 8 year old has played baseball for the past three spring seasons. It went great the first 2 years, but last year he had a bad coach and it really hurt his confidence. As the season went on he played less and less and worse and worse.

Today was his first game with a new team/coach. HE WAS TERRIBLE. In the car he told me he was ashamed to have lost the game for the team and to be the worst one. I myself could hardly stand to watch it.

I have tried to get him to play other sports, but he feels baseball is "his" sport despite the fact that other sports seem to come easier....I realize he is only 8 and today was the first day of having kids (rather than coaches or machines) pitch, but it was brutal. I realize that if he loves the sport and keeps at it, he may end up just as good as the kids it seems to be coming to more easily these days, but I hate it. I hate watching him struggle at a sport that I never even liked. I don't want to go to more games, it makes me really unhappy to watch him play baseball.

Is it terrible, if I just take a break for awhile and say that it is too difficult to go with his little brothers and let my husband take him? Is it awful if I pretty much force him to try other sports?

[Violet2]

If your DS feels so strongly about baseball, why not see if there are any pros doing summer camps or clinics in the area? Even an hour one-on-one with a pro (where you've told them to pump up DS' confidence) might help. Or have DH take DS to a pro game and talk about the career tract of diff players. Or hire one of the HS BB players to coach DS. Give him support and tools and see what he can do.

I feel for you, I do, but I think it might be more helpful in the long run to focus on ways to improve his skills and confidence. Ideally, DS needs to realize BB isn't for him on his own as part of learning who he is and what he's good at so he's comfortable with doing something else that plays to his strengths kwim?

This could also be a great opportunity for DS to learn about the payoff of hard work and fighting from the bottom to get to the top. Don't quit on him.

V

[amcal]

Honestly, I don't think it matters if he's good at it or not. The most important thing is if he enjoys it, if it makes him feel good, if it builds his confidence. I do have concern that he says he feels ashamed that he let his team mates down. Did they have a team meeting after the game where they talked about the group effort and that when you win, you win as a team and when you loose, you loose as a team?

I think you have to decide if this is a positive experience for him. Take your feelings out of the mix. I know it's absolutely brutal to watch your children struggle at anything but, that is life and we must allow our children to succeed and to fail - to soar and to struggle. Not everyone is going to be the best and that's ok. But, if it becomes damaging to him then I think you need to do something else.

As far as your not wanting to go - well, honestly, your reasons are self serving. It bothers you. It hurts you. But, what about your son? Will it bother or hurt him if you don't go? If he doesn't care one way or another then don't go but if he'll miss you there, I think it's important to be there whether he's the best on the team or the worst on the team.

Oh and I have a 17 year old nephew who adores baseball more than the air he breathes. He has adored it since birth. He was never very good but it didn't matter. He did it for the love of the sport. Sometimes he lucked into a fabulous team and they won in spite of him and sometimes he had a bad team and he only made things worse. It didn't matter. His parents went to every game - no matter how hard it was to sit through. And now, here he is at 17 and he still tries out for the high school base ball team - hasn't made it yet but that's ok. He does track and cross country while still playing baseball for fun - in fact, he's now managing a little league team.

[hollycat]

i agree with these gals. you have the choice to reinforce his ideas that "he loves baseball" or reinforce the idea that "he is the worst one". id keep ALL your energy on the former, and try not to mix up your hurt feelings with DSs.

if he says he sucks, be prepared to recite what he did that was good, or his good attitude, or how much fun he had.

we try very hard to protect our kids from all pain and what not but there is SO MUCH to be gained by triumphing over experiences like this. thats where you get personal power and confidence.

[Ruthla]

There's certainly nothing wrong with sending DH to the games if you really don't want to go.

I'd try to get him to process his own emotions, without yours getting mixed in. It's certainly OK if he chooses to quit baseball, and it's also OK if he wants to hang in there even if it's hard for him. I think you need to let this be HIS choice.

[wildmonkeys]

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I actually meant that I was going to try to force him to at least try some other sports as well as baseball, not that I would make him quit playing baseball. I think he had some early success at baseball (he has been on the AllStars and whatnot in the past) so he feels like he must play baseball to recapture doing well, so I would like him to realize that it isn't the only sport that might be rewarding, you know?

As for not wanting to go to games, yes, it is all me and I feel terrible about it. I have always been able to really be there for my kids if I want to or not. I quit a job I love, I cosleep and nurse, etc. etc. etc. I JUST HATE BASEBALL SO MUCH. My brother was a great baseball player, I spent most of my childhood at Little League games. I HAVE ALWAYS HATED the set-up of the game, the way it highlights like no other sport who is the worst, who is the most important, etc. etc. etc. The way it seems to be about skill, but like many other sports is often about politics.

Anyway, so I guess you guys are saying no, it is really not okay to skip out on the games. I appreciate your honest feedback and sadly that is what I knew deep down....it is just with 3 boys and up to 17 years of these games, I don't know ir I can take it. :::

[wildmonkeys]

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[Ruthla]

Actually, I don't see what harm there would be in letting DH to go to the games while you stay home with the baby, and give the 4yo the choice of going with Daddy or staying home with Mommy.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Why does he feel that baseball is "his" sport, exactly? Does he like watching it in TV, or does his dad like it, or...? I'm not particularly sporty myself, but it seems to me like enjoyment in a sport is generally tied either to proficiency or some outside influence?

My mom went through this for years and years with my brothers. My Dad was good enough that he played on Varsity in HS and then in college, too. MY brothers... not so much. The coach in HS only made the situation much worse. My mom went to every game and was MUCH more upset about it than my brothers ever were. They kept doing it because it was important to my dad, *not* because they loved it. They didn't hate it, but they didn't love it.

In their last season, *both* of them tore their miniscus (minisci? one each, anyway) sliding into a base. Both needed surgery and PT; one's surgery was botched, so that twin needed another surgery. Anyway, long story short, playing a sport about which they felt mostly boredom/indifference cost my mother a lot of agony and the insurance company/my parents around $75,000. It doesn't seem worth it to anyone now, let me tell you!

I think physical activity/exercise is great and really important. I also think that competitive sports have become WAY too competitive. Your poor little guy-- how much fun he would probably have playing a pick-up game of neighborhood baseball, but these league games really do create so much pressure. Does he have any good friends involved in the other sports so you could get him to try those instead? Can you identify the reason *why* he thinks baseball is "his" sport?

[wildmonkeys]

Thank you Ruthla. Part of my reason for wanting to send dh is because it is often miserable on the sideline with two little ones. The other reason is because my dh seems a bit more able to put his own feelings aside and help ds enjoy the game of baseball. I did very girly individual sports (gymnastics, diving, dance, cheerleading) and I feel more stressed out by the team sport experience than my dh who played a bunch of team sports.

MaterPrimaePuellae - I think he thinks baseball is "his" sport for a number of reasons. First off, he was chosen for the AllStar team the first couple of years he played. He loves going to Orioles games, his Uncle who he adores played baseball (though he also played soccer which ds tried and hated and dh played football which he doesn't even want to try so the influence of grown-ups is questionable). It may just be as simple as that he really liked the movies The Sandlot and Angels in the Outfield, I don't know?

After his lousy season last year, I actually set-up a neighborhood pick-up game every Monday night this summer which he LOVED. He also got to pick a week of camp and picked baseball. He enjoyed playing baseball 5 hours a day...I think he likes PLAYING baseball, but the real games and rankings and whatnot stress him out. I wish it were less competitive - more for fun - but there is no such league for an 8 year old where we live

Anyway, I will talk to dh about it. It may be weirder than usual because dh has been out of town for weeks trying to help with clean-up in the Gulf so I am missing my husband and his perspective.

Thanks so much everyone

[LauraLoo]

I'm not sure if this would help, but maybe talking to the coaches (or get your dh to do this) to see if there are specific ways for your ds to improve. I know that coaches can vary in their skill for nuturing, but I think most coaches for this age group are doing it because they want to and have a basic interest in promoting good sportsmanship. If they were clued in to how bad your ds feels about being bad and losing the game, maybe they could do some things to boost your ds' self-confidence. Even the best players won't play well if they don't feel good about themselves.

Frankly, I would definitely *not* give your ds a clue that you think he should try something else at this point if he really likes the game, and it sounds like he does. I think it would send a clear message that you have given up on him. I think the fact that he continues to go even when he recognizes that he is the worst on the team needs to be supported. There is a great learning lesson - or multiple lessons - in being persistant and dedicated to something that you love, even when everything seems against it. If you feel that you need to say something, I would just say something along the lines of "I will support and love you no matter what you choose to do." He is old enough to know that he could quit if he wanted to, and right now he's not ready to give up.

As far as being a spectator, please consider continuing to go to the games to support your son. As much as it hurts you to watch this, I can only imagine the discomfort that your ds feels. There are far worse things for a parent to endure -- such as having a child who is a poor sport, or doesn't care about his/her team mates and doesn't give an effort. In my book, your ds is a winner. You can be proud of that.

[wildmonkeys]

Do you think it would be hurtful to encourage him to try a different sport this winter? We have 6 or 7 more weeks of baseball and then no baseball until April --- I thought that having him do something different over the winter might be fun?

I would never miss a game unless my husband was there, I just was thinking about taking a couple of games off. It sounds like that sounds too self-centered so I won't...if I want to be a good mom, I will embrace being miserable, right?

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

Do you think it would be hurtful to encourage him to try a different sport this winter? We have 6 or 7 more weeks of baseball and then no baseball until April --- I thought that having him do something different over the winter might be fun?

I would never miss a game unless my husband was there, I just was thinking about taking a couple of games off. It sounds like that sounds too self-centered so I won't...if I want to be a good mom, I will embrace being miserable, right?

First, to clarify, I think you have a valid excuse not to go to every game and if DH is more effective on the sidelines, then by all means, let him take the primary role.

Second, I think putting him in another activity would be fine on the off season. See if you can tie it motor skills he needs to work on for BB.

V

[hollycat]

oh, honey, take some games off if DH is there. it sounds like youre very involved in his life and missing a game or two is so not the end of the world. your babe may even do better with you not there, believe it or not. lots of kids get more into the game when they dont think they are performing for parents.

and of course suggest off season activities! new interests are fantastic for kids!

and dump the shame!!!!! its not doing anything productive. youre doing just fine as a mom, lady. lift that chin up and live your great life.

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

Do you think it would be hurtful to encourage him to try a different sport this winter? We have 6 or 7 more weeks of baseball and then no baseball until April --- I thought that having him do something different over the winter might be fun?

I would never miss a game unless my husband was there, I just was thinking about taking a couple of games off. It sounds like that sounds too self-centered so I won't...if I want to be a good mom, I will embrace being miserable, right?

You know -- I probably came off harsher than I meant. I don't think it would be a bad idea to try something new in the winter - regardless of how this season turns out.

I am a little confused, though. ARe you concerned about what other people think about you because of how your ds is playing? Or are you just embarrassed and don't want to deal with other parents by going to the games?

[pigpokey]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

Is it terrible, if I just take a break for awhile and say that it is too difficult to go with his little brothers and let my husband take him?

Maybe you shouldn't quit entirely, but you could scale back quite a bit and just go to the "big" games or whatnot. What's wrong with having your husband take him?

Is it awful if I pretty much force him to try other sports?

Yes because it won't work.

You are right when you said that people who are passionate about a field and remain so will rise to the top no matter where they are at age 8 if they are allowed to work at it. Maybe you can show him you care about his interest by facilitating some aspect of practice apart from the team, rather than going to the games that you hate. You could, maybe, hire a middle school boy to work out with him; buy him books and training videos; etc. IF he wants you to.

I think you are being hard on yourself.

[pixiepunk]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Actually, I don't see what harm there would be in letting DH to go to the games while you stay home with the baby, and give the 4yo the choice of going with Daddy or staying home with Mommy.

i have to disagree here. i was a cheerleader for about 3 years in Jr. High, and my mom never came to a single game. i knew it was because she hated sports in general but i also knew it was because she hated cheerleading too and didn't really like that i was a cheerleader. it really hurt me that she didn't feel like she could suffer through at least a few stupd games a season so she could be there to watch me. My dad came frequently and it really meant a lot to me.

So i don't think you necessarily need to go every single time, but i definitely think you need to make an appearance some of the time. i suppose not all kids' feelings would be hurt by it, but i suspect most would.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I know my DS would be hurt if I missed all the games of the season, but he did understand that I couldn't come to all of them last year because I had started working FT. So I think it would be OK to go to some but not all of them.

If he has specific skill issues and he wants to work on them, there are lots of ways for him to improve. My DS needs about 3 hours a week of batting cage practice to get back into the baseball "swing" each season. Maybe your DH could do that, since its hard with other little ones hanging on. Running and playing catch outside of practice will help too.

I think its fine to encourage other sports. We have a "one sport at a time" rule here, but DS is free to pick the sport he wants. But he needs to do something for the exercise. Right now he just started karate which he loves and I hate. But it was his choice and I'll grit my teeth while he does it.

[wildmonkeys]

I've been busy the past couple of days, but wanted to respond to those of you who have been so helpful and given me advice for working through this.

LauraLoo - I am not embarrassed about what parents think about me. I am embarrassed for ds because I can tell he is embarrassed. I feel extremely nervous when he is batting because he looks terrified and miserable if he strikes out. I just really want him to hit it so he isn't miserable - as a result I am a bit embarrassed about how tensed up I feel and how letdown I am when he misses. Does that make sense?

pigpokey - He actually has tried a bunch of sports (soccer, tennis, basketball, swimming lessons, etc.) in the past and baseball was the one he liked the most and he said that was all he wanted to do anymore. I am going to support his passion for baseball, but I am going to ask him to pick a physical activity this winter and encourage him to try something new. If nothing else, he needs the exercise.

pixiepunk - I agree it would be hurtful to never go to any of his games. In all fairness, I have already been to about 40 of his Little League games over the course of the last 3 seasons. I've also been to 20ish basketball games/practices, 12 plus soccer games, as well as tennis, karate, and swimming lessons in his short life. I do agree that it means very much to have your parents there and will remind myself of your words when I am at all of my kids events

DH is going to work with him on his hitting over the next week and he has baseball practice tonight. DH said he hits fine at practice, but is just overwhelmed by the pressure of hitting in a game I hate for him to be feeling that way at such a young age about something I wish were fun.

Anyway, as a follow-up to the whole thread. He came home from school on Monday and asked if he could do afterschool tennis with 2 of his friends every Tuesday. He started yesterday and seemed to have a wonderful time The whole class seemed much more relaxed and fun than our local baseball league.

[AngelBee]

This isn't about you. It is about supporting your son.

I am glad you are working through these feelings.