How do I set personal limits without being mean and/or punishing!? - Page 2

[mamabohl]

Originally Posted by ktmama

Mama, I'm so sorry you are feeling disrespected! You've gotten some great advice here and I agree with the PP. I would just add that you need to keep things simple and remain as close to 100% consistent as possible. One of the most important things for kids is that they can predict with certainty what a parent's reaction will be. It helps to have a plan in place - even if you have to write yourself sticky notes all over the house - and stay "on message".

Best of luck!

yes, one of my problems is that I while do really well while reading a parenting book, but then within a few weeks of finishing it everything starts drifting back to the controling way I was raised. I need to figure out some way to refresh my memory more often and faster (since reading a book everytime I feel at a loss isn't really possible). I think I'm going to type up some of my favorite tips from this thread and put them on the fridge.

[mamabohl]

I actually found your advice quite helpful.

Originally Posted by Embee

I'm going to offer a slightly different take, and feel free to disregard if you don't feel it fits your situation.

When my DS is demanding in this way, it's a sign of how he's feeling INSIDE which is usually a very different picture altogether. If he feels the "need" to order me around, chances are, he is the one feeling powerless. The result of that being repeated attempts to get me to do his bidding. When he's feeling secure, self-possessed and all is right with the world, he is self-sufficient, easy-going, helpful to himself and others. Therefore, I tend to handle these things in stride, not take them personally and focus on DS and why he might be feeling the need to behave this way. I keep in mind that although his actions may have me feeling walked over and 'powerless' to a degree, he is clearly the one experiencing some sort of life issue. And as the parent, I'm really the only one of the two of us that has the power to turn the situation around. DS, being immature, simply doesn't have the emotional tools to do this (as of yet).

yes, I totally see this. Isaiah is the youngest and the one who's more like me (kinda controling, super stubborn and hates being controled more than anything). I know he feels like he has very little control over his life, and the more I try to force him into my mold the more he fights that and tries to take control in any way he can. Remembering that is so important. I have to remember to keep required things for only the very very important and try to make everything else optional or at least full of choices. Instead of telling him to get his shoes on I asked him if he was ready to get them on or if he wanted me to bring them in the car. I have to remember to do trhat kind of thing with every event of the day, lol.

Originally Posted by Embee

Usually, I handle it playfully: After one or two demands, I get flustered, and I respond over the top silly, "YES SIR! I'LL GET THAT RIGHT UP FOR YOU SIR!" And then I trip all over myself trying to get the job done. It results in many giggles and usually, a realization of what he's doing. More importantly, it breaks the tension between us, and in time, the cycle of rude demands. If I'm sensing that he's having an on-going issue, I spend a little more time with him, special playtime which is a great way for us to nurture our attachment. And when our attachment is on good-footing, it's a good bet that he won't feel the "need" any longer, to control me. When he feels a disturbance in our attachment, he'll do anything--including boss me around--to keep me "working for him." It's almost as if he anticipates that I WON'T help or be there for him, and in that sort of panic, he thinks he needs to make demands for me to attend at all. It makes no sense on the surface, I'm a very helpful type parent but again, I have to keep in mind that this isn't about me. It's about him feeling powerless for whatever reason.

this really hits home for me too. Playful Parenting was absolutely my favorite book. I've read it twice and am trying to find a cheap copy to own. I think maybe handling it playfully right now wouldn't be the best thing, because it's almost his first reaction to start demanding. But once we get into a more regular pattern of being respectful with only ocasional lapses, it would be a great reminder. He gets embarassed easily and anything to help him save face would be good. Plus some really great planned games have started with me turning a really cruddy situation into a game. And yes, he needs me to pay more attention to him. Sometimes I can get so caught up in everything that needs to be done that I blow him off. I'm trying to spend some time every day playing one on one with each boy and doing whatever they want. And with Isaiah I'm trying to do it first thing in the morning. (ug, that's hard)

Thanks you so much! Everything you said really resonated with me.

[mamabohl]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Have you read How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen? This is exactly the kind of thing they talk about - setting boundaries and being real (and allowing your emotions to show) without being mean. It's been out for a long time and is very common so your local library would almost certainly have a copy. I really think this book would make you feel a lot better and help you.

Good luck!

You know I read Siblings Without Rivalry and couple years ago and always meant to get to How to Talk.. but never did. I'll check it out soon, I'm due for another non-fic book. Thanks.

[mamabohl]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka

Have you read Secret of Parenting? If not, I highly recommend it.

I think that punishing would really only make the situation worse, but I also think that hitting is NOT something to tolerate. I really wish I had a magic solution for you.

I'm going to try to think some more while I read the rest of the thread, and hopefully have more ideas for you.

I know for my child, when he tries to hit out of anger or whathaveyou, he *needs* some love and compassion from me. I ask him if he wants me to hold him, and he almost always does.
I personally would not go get a toy for him if I had already said no and he get more rude and screamed and/or hit. And he would get the "oh no you didn't" look of the century.
But even though I wouldn't do the task he was asking/telling me to do, I would ask if he needed a hug. Ime, that does not reinforce the behavior. It didn't take long for him to be able to control his anger and stop hitting people.

I did read SOP, I liked parts of it but it wasn't quite right for me so I passed it on. Ug, I try offering love when Isaiah gets angry, but he's usually so caught up in the anger that he doesn't even want to smiled at, don't even mention touching, lol. Usually I'll ask if he needs to nurse or needs a hug to help calm down and he'll shout NO I WANT XYZ! He's not easily distracted. hehe.

[mamabohl]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I feel bad that we're all suggesting books, in case she doesn't have time for that or wants info faster. But all the books suggested are good ones.

I found a summary for the book I suggested and maybe that would help and only take a few minutes to read?

http://www.hitinc.org/uploads/resour...o-kids-wil.pdf

I don't know specifically what will help but I hope you find something.

It's fine, I love book suggestions, and there have been enough concrete suggestions too. Thanks for the link though, it's always good to have a quick little refresher.


Anyways thank you all again, and now I'd better get to bed so I'm not too cranky tomorrow.

[Embee]

Originally Posted by mamabohl

He gets embarassed easily and anything to help him save face would be good.

This is my guy too. On the surface, you wouldn't think this personality trait would result in parenting issues but for us it definitely does. On one hand, I can be totally sympathetic to his sensitive nature and on the other, in saying what I feel might be helpful, I can stick my foot in my mouth and really make him feel worse, which tends to perpetuate "bad" behavior rather than relieve it. (I'm not suggesting this is your reality at all just my own clumsy attempts going awry ).

I'm so glad to hear you had a better day today. Sometimes I find the worst days are followed by the best. I imagine it's me taking perspective that helps here. You were mentioning that your younger son is more like you. DS shares traits of both DH and I, but in the area of emotions, he tends to follow my lead, and while it helps me in being empathetic, we can also drive each other crazy at times. Thankfully, when I look at the big picture, those times are much more far and few between then they sometimes seem to be.

The best to you, mama! Hope things stay on the upswing!

Em