How to address the use of certain words

[Kristin0105]

So my husband calls me tonight and says "you are a bad influence on our child. She just said to me "tell me a Beeeeeeeeeping story." He asked her what that meant and she said "it's what people say when they are angry." He responded by sayng that's not really a very nice thing to say or something along those lines. She's 3 by the way.

Yes, I am guilty of saying that particular word when I have been very angry and dh on occassion. I cried on my way home because I had taught my child, who is the sweetest little one in the world, such a not so sweet way of speaking.

My question is how do I handle this? I think I should talk to my lo about how some words are not very nice and we should use nice words or something along those lines. I don't think I should mention the particular word in question as I think it will give it more power and I will then hear it all the time. She is in a bit of an oppostional stage and if we say red she says blue. So saying don't say beeeeep because it's not a nice word would lead her to run around saying beeeeep while laughing. But I want to say something so she doesn't go to her gym class or dance class and say "something beeeping something," IYKWIM?

How do I repair the damage I have done without making the situation worse? Is it possible? Ugh this is by far one of my lowest points in parenting. I am so disappointed with myself.

[harrietsmama]

weeelll, I have a very bad habit of swearing a lot, I grew up with it from every direction, so, I don't know. My kids hardly ever use a swear word, but when they do, it's in context and I figure if I don't give power to those words, then they are less interesting. I have more issues with poop head and smell my fart etc.

[hipumpkins]

the fix at this age is easy and hard. you have to decide if you will stop saying it. If you stop and ignore her saying it it will stop. Howeer if you can't stop..she can't either.
I use damnit, JC, and sonofa (but i never actually say the "B" part)
these are words I can not stop saying when I am really frustrated or when I kick my baby toe into a wall. I have decided that if my kids say it...so be it. It is my fault for using those words. If I want them to not curse I should not curse around them.

[LynnS6]

It's easier to replace them with other words that aren't offensive. Here's a recent post that I made in to a very similar question:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...60&postcount=8
The response that seems to work the fastest for us is the one straight out of Playful Parenting. I usually say something like "Well, I don't like "stupid" but don't you dare call me purple!" They will then call you purple, you can massively "overreact" (playfully of course) -- "Oh no, you called me PURPLE! I TOLD you not to call me purple. What an awful word!! Don't you do that again!" Or if they say "Daddy is stupid" you can reply "Whew! Good thing you didn't say that Daddy was purple!"

They think it's hysterical, they become much more interested in saying "purple" or whatever silly word you choose - I do try to at least match the part of speech. So, when dd was calling me "boobies" I used the word "waffle"; if it was 'stupid' that I didn't like, I'd use another adjective -- it just makes it easier for the child to fit the new word in the sentence.

Also, I find that if it isn't directed at any person, I find it sometimes easier to pretend I didn't hear it. So, alas, dd has learned "For G*d's sake!" and "Jesus, Joseph and Mary!" from me recently. I heard her playing with her dolls using these terms, and I ignored it.

[WaturMama]

Wow, I think your dd is very sophisticated to be able to say, "that's what people say when they are angry."

My sweet ds has said them a few times too. I have ignored them. Sometimes substituted some other word. Like (and I know this is a milder one, but this comes up more) he says "oh my God." and I say "oh my gosh." For my son this seems to be working. I think the whole conversation about "not nice words" will just make it more interesting--and reveal how much heat you and your husband have over this.

It might help if you can get the heat off it yourself. You sound like you're having an intense attack of guilt, aided and abetted by your husband. (I hope you see how ridiculous and "not nice" that "bad influence" comment is, by the way. Ridiculous because you clearly are a good influence in so many more ways than a bad one.) Personally, I think as ways to deal with anger go, this is one is just so much better than a lot of them. The biggest problem with it I have is that it really upsets other people. But that's just my opinion, maybe getting more solid about yours will help.

[Kristin0105]

Thanks everyone. I haven't said anything yet. I think I'll leave it be until it comes up again. In the meantime I'll clean up my act when I am angry with dh. I'll find a more appropriate way of speaking to him. I have been working on that already as I was aware recently that lo was paying attention when we were having a heated discussion and it obviously bothered her.

When it comes up again I'll try the silly word technique. I think that will work, I've done something similar in the past with something else. She is such a sweet child. And she does respond well to redirection with these things. A few weeks ago she said something followed by "Oh, shoot." and it just sounded so not my lo that I asked her to say what she was trying to say in another way. She asked me why and I explained it wasn't a great way of speaking and she said "oh but you say oh shoot" and I said yes but I need to stop so she said "oh okay" and then explained what she was trying communicate by saying "oh, shoot." I've only heard her use it once since and she self corrected almost immediately.

And yes I am feeling guilty. But in his defense I think dh was just teasing me because he knew I would feel bad about it.

Thanks again for your input. Now to clean up my act.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Kristin0105

A few weeks ago she said something followed by "Oh, shoot." and it just sounded so not my lo that I asked her to say what she was trying to say in another way. She asked me why and I explained it wasn't a great way of speaking and she said "oh but you say oh shoot" and I said yes but I need to stop so she said "oh okay" and then explained what she was trying communicate by saying "oh, shoot." I've only heard her use it once since and she self corrected almost immediately.

Honestly? I'd say "oh shoot" and let her say it too. She does need SOME words that are socially acceptable to use when she's upset, and IMO "shoot" and "darn" fit the bill.

One of the reasons I like the "silly word" technique is that it doesn't make the child self-conscious about their language. It just replaces the offensive word in a playful way. Since she's clearly quite a perceptive kid, you do want to be careful about making her self-conscious.