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need advice

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
My cousin, whom I adore, recently had a baby. Her partner is looking to adopt the baby as her daughter. I am thrilled for them. However, my cousing told me that she does not intend to tell the father that she became pregnant and had a baby. I have really struggled with this.

I think the father should know he is a father. She said he won't care anyway and would be a bad father but I am worried that this could have bad ramifications later on, not to mention that he should know that he has a child.

Any thoughts of how I can or even if I should share my heart with my cousin?

post #2 of 6
It sounds to me like you have already started to share your thoughts with your cousin. And it seems she has made up her mind. I am not saying what she is doing is either right or wrong, but it is her decision. Keep the dialogue open though. Maybe you can talk about things like him stepping up and *wanting* to be a part of the child’s life or that in the future, baby might want to search out bio daddy and that could lead to an unpleasant/weird situation for daughter to find a man who has no idea he is a father. But keep in mind, no matter her decision, she knows this man best and may just have the right *vibe* about him. Another thing you might want to have her check into is the fact that she will need his consent to have her partner adopt if bio dad was listed on the birth certificate. I am not sure of the law in every state, but in Mass, you have to have either a signature or go through a process to prove you can't find bio parent (i.e. newspaper adds, court dates, etc).

Best of luck to your cousin with whichever decision she makes. And to you as well, to be able to support and stand by her in it.
post #3 of 6
I agree with nicke...my first thought was, what are the laws in her state. She may not have a choice in the matter if the state requires a father on the birth certificate. She should check with an attorney first to avoid custody and other legal problems down the line.

Otherwise, you should tell her how you feel, then let her live by her choices...and continue to love the baby no matter what, which I'm sure you will do. I hope all goes well for your cousin and her partner.

post #4 of 6
Thread Starter 
Originally posted by Nicke
It sounds to me like you have already started to share your thoughts with your cousin. And it seems she has made up her mind. I am not saying what she is doing is either right or wrong, but it is her decision. Keep the dialogue open though.
Well, I really haven't shared my heart with her. I asked about the father and she said told me that she didn't want to tell him then added that he wouldn't be a good father anyway.

I agree that it is her decision. I do not feel otherwise. I am in a unique situation though that I am one of the only people in her family who is honest with her. Everyone else can't deal with the fact that she is gay and are pretty rough on her and about her. It really upsets me how her own family treats her.

I will continue to think about it. I am not sure I should say anything if she hasn't asked me what my thoughts are.

You both had good things to say and I really appreciate it. I love my cousin dearly.

Peace and Thankfulness,
post #5 of 6

Okay, so she's recognizing her partner as the child's other parent. Do I have that right? She want to formalize that with a legal adoption. I don't know her story but is it possible that the "father" is a known donor?

In most states, second parent adoption requires a home study. The social worker who does this will certainly inquire about it. The lawyer who handles the adoption would likely be negligent if he or she doesn't make sure any other claims of parental rights are terminated prior to the adoption.

So....assuming the state she lives in allows same-sex second parent adoption, her inclination to provide her child with two legal parents is likely to resolve the problem.

One of the problems with not legally resolving this when the baby is wee, is that it could hang over your cousin's head a bit. The donor/father could show up at a later time and make a claim of "parental rights."

She may want to sit down with a knowlegable lawyer soon to sort out her options for protecting her family.
post #6 of 6
'zactly!!! You can couch your advice as a legal issue, not a personal issue with her life decisions. She needs to protect herself, her partner and the baby! Encourage her to make an informed decision before it gets too crazy...

I'm glad you are honest and love your cousin...seems like she needs your love and support. She's a lucky person to have you in her life!

Keep us posted!
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