How can I help friend with PPD?

[Jilian]

A friend/acquaintance of mine sounds like she has PPD. We chat quite a bit over e-mail and she's confided in me that she is feeling very depressed and disconnected from her 4 week old. She also has a 2 yr old. She's BF. I believe her DH works a lot and she does not have any family at all within 3 hours of her house. The things that make me think she may have PPD are:

- she's mentioned a past history of depression
- feelings of not wanting to "do this anymore" (meaning not wanting to parent her children)
- feelings of wanting the baby to go away
- lots of disconnected feelings surrounding the baby
- wanting to just be with the older child
-and absolutely hating the sound of the baby crying and wanting to stop it

She's told me she's pushing family away and I'm the only one she's talked to (not sure if her DH knows). I've told her it sounds like PPD, it is nothing bad that she did (she is embarassed), and that it is hormonal/chemical and says nothing about her as a mother. I've encouraged her to talk to her MW because Midwives have experience in treating and diagnosing PPD. She's concerned that she cannot take meds and BF, she's mentioned that she wants to be done with BF. While I'm a huge supporter of BF I still told her that her children need her to be healthy more than they need to be breastfed.

What else can I do to help? I'm thinking of going over with some banana bread this week to help out and chat. I feel sad and scared for her and her kids. I want to help!

[mom0810]

She certainly sounds like she has PPD. She should know that she will NOT have to stop breastfeeding to take meds. Zoloft and many others are PERFECTLY safe and fine while nursing. She can take them without worrying at all.

She needs to see a mental health provider who knows something about PPD. She can find one near her at www.postpartum.net.

She can certainly try her midwife and see if that gets her anywhere. But she really needs to be on meds and should not stop breastfeeding until she gets on the meds and is feeling better. Then she can make a better decision.

[Jilian]

That is great news! I'm wondering what I can do to help most? Offer to come over and watch the kids so she can rest? Or will that only distance her from the baby more? Do I offer ways to help promote bonding with the baby like offering to loan a sling? Should I offer to take the baby out for a walk so she can have alone time with her older child? I want to be careful not to do things that make her feel more distant from the baby and more hopeless. I've never dealt with this before so I'm not sure what the right thing to do is!

[mom0810]

I would offer things like watching the kids while she gets some "me" time. I would offer to watch them while she goes to therapy (which she should do.)

She needs to know that this is not her fault and that t he feelings she is having are okay. They do not make her a bad mother or a bad person. Depression is largely physical and once she gets that under control, she is going to feel like a new woman.

Her therapist will be able to help her to deal with what she is feeling in a positive way, also.

She should try and get as much sleep as she can, and she should get some light and exercise, too. But the meds will help a ton on their own, and she should get those asap.

[friendlymamma]

I know it's been a little bit since this was posted, how is your friend doing? I had to reply to this because so many things you said were ME about 15 months ago. I felt very disconnected from baby, overwhelmed, and felt like I only loved my older child and only wanted to be with him, and wanted the baby to go away. I was completely embarrassed about how I was feeling, I kept it in as long as I could, but then everything fell apart, and my husband realized what was going on, and made me go back to my OB. I got on meds, and continued to breastfeed successfully for 6 months (Non- PPD related reasons I stopped). I am now completely well and off meds! After you are well, you realize that you were mentally ill, that it wasn't your fault. I think what you could do most is to help her and encourage her to get professional help, and offer to keep the kids while she does that. Remember though that her thinking is irrational. Also, could you connect her with someone who has been through PPD? That was pivotal for me, talking with another mom who had been through it and could completely relate to everything I was going through. It made me see the illness that had a hold of me, and that I had to get help. I hope this somehow helps and that your friend is doing better. There are so many options for PPD, and lots of success stories.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by Jilian

She's concerned that she cannot take meds and BF, she's mentioned that she wants to be done with BF.

This is actually a symptom of the PPD. So much of the time, PPD also includes anxiety. For me (both times I've experienced PPD) it has manifested as the strong desire to not take meds while bf'ing. I got to the point the first time where it was either take meds or bf; not both. Once I got onto Zoloft, a reasonably safe med for bf'ing, the anxiety lessened and I realized it was okay to take meds AND bf. You're seeing the anxiety right now; she feels like she has to be in charge of it all and she's feeling guilt over wanting to get better at the possible "expense" (in her eyes) of her baby.

Talk therapy is always positive, but for me, Zoloft made the biggest difference both times. That took the lead shoes off my feet and allowed me to walk forward. I was in her shoes with my first child; we lived away from friends and family and I was alone raising our son as my hubby worked and went to school. I was used to running my career and going to school full-time. Now I was sitting at home full-time, alone, raising a baby. Big shock.

Your friend is in my prayers. First and foremost, she needs to see a professional about help. For me, it took my mom actually calling my doctor and saying, "She needs help. Now." I hope she can find some solace and help.

[Surfacing]