Things people say & what we'd LIKE to say (stolen)

[heatherdeg]

Another forum here had a similar thread and it reminded that the holidays are coming and I am about to be the recipient of a full load of ignorant and ridiculous commentary from people I see often and/or barely see.

So I thought I'd share the common my-side-of-the conversation (some of which only goes on in my head) that I had posted in TAO last year. Why reinvent the wheel--the situation hasn't changed.


The conversations are exactly the same over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Did you get that?

No, they are not my kids.
Yes, they live with me all the time. It's fostering, not babysitting.
No, I'm not adopting them--I'm a foster mother not an adoptive mother.
They're going to go home or to a relative.
Yes, really.
I have no idea when. Either when the parents get their act together or some relative steps up to care for them.
It's not as difficult as it sounds.
You're right--you probably COULDN'T do it because you'd get too attached but thankfully there are heartless b!tches like me around so these kids don't sit in a group home or hospital where they get MAYBE an ounce of attention at feeding and diapering time and learn that THAT is what love and family mean.
Yes, I will be sad when they leave. That just means I loved them.
I got that you could never do that. No need to repeat it over and over and over again. Do you realize you just called me a heartless b!tch again?
No, I'm not a saint. I'm a human that gives a crap about humanity. What are you?

At this point, I'm ready to just say "Yup, they're all mine!". I'm really not sure why I DON'T do that except that I feel like it's disrespectful to their parents who are trying very hard to do what they must to get their child back.

[JoyFilled]

I don't think I have ever read anything that expresses what I think as much as that.

Thanks for writing this.

[JoyFilled]

"No, I'm not adopting them--I'm a foster mother not an adoptive mother."

This line too is huge to me. I want their parents to get better or an adoptive home to come open for them. If neither of these things happen then they can stay with us. But we really just wanted to foster not adopt. We pray for their parents daily.

[Polliwog]

I might have posted this one before. I'm not sure. But this is the one I'm dying to say to someone:

"No I don't put sunscreen on this one. I don't care if she gets skin cancer. She's just a foster child."

Better give the background before you think I'm cruel. My son (adopted) and I have blond hair, blue eyes, and light skin. My foster daughter is half Mexican and has medium brown skin. I probably had five or six people ask me if I've been forgetting to put sunscreen on my daughter.

[Kabes]

I'm subbing - and dreaming of the day when we have a home big enough to do foster care. When I was a nanny and people would ask me "If they were all mine?" I would always answer "Today they are!". I know that might offend some but their parents had entrusted me to love them like a parent would and I did so I felt it was true.

[queenjane]

I'd like to say "No, he wasnt a crack baby, but even if he was, i probably wouldnt be telling you, the cashier at walmart, thank you very much"

Or "Honestly, *I'm* the lucky one, not him!"

Mostly though, i learned very early on to stop feeling compelled to tell everyone he was a foster baby...the first couple of weeks, it would go like this:

Cashier:"Oh, he's so sweet! He your first??"
Me: "No, i have an older son, almost 12"
Cashier:"Oh, this one must have been a surprise then!"
Me:"Well, actually i'm fostering...."
Cashier:"Oh....where's his mom? Why is he in foster care? Was he a drug baby?? Oh, i had a friend who did foster care, she had this drug baby for a year then had to give him back....oh i could never do that, i'd get too attached...but bless you!"

Totally unnecessary...so i started realizing when people ask "How much did he weigh at birth?" or "Is he your first" or whatever, they are just making small talk...by volunteering other info, i'm opening the door to all sorts of intrusive questions. But i felt like i somehow couldnt act like he was mine...i got over that quickly. I felt like when he was with me, he WAS mine...and that had nothing to do with him possibly going home (never an option) or w/ a relative. And if i had an older foster child, i'm not sure they would appreciate me telling every random person that they are a FC.

I now feel people out to see whether there is a reason for me to talk about fostering. But i totally feel ya on the whole "oh i could never do that!" as if its a compliment.


Katherine

[azedazobollis]

This one is back a few years when I had two babies at once.

Stranger: "Oh they are so cute!"
Me: "Thank you."
Stranger, " How old are they?"
Me: " Two months and Four Months"
Stranger, "Oh, Are they sisters?"
Me: "no."

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by queenjane

...But i totally feel ya on the whole "oh i could never do that!" as if its a compliment.


Katherine

Um, yeah... I'm one of THOSE ignoramuses who has said that (multiple times to the foster family who cared for our son before he found us! These people have unbelievably big hearts and just keep on taking more kids in as the others go out to be reunited with their families or adopted.

For all the times I've reeled when people ask why I'd want to adopt rather than have "my own" kids (assuming that what they really mean is even an option for me), I've been terribly insensitive about this.

Please do take it as the compliment it's awkwardly meant to be, and thanks for pointing out my blooper!

[grantskismom+1]

This thread has caused me lots of uncomfortable laughter. I've made so many of these comments (although probably in a more tactful manner.....at least I hope!) prior to jumping into the adoption world.

Take pity on us ignoramuses.

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by queenjane

I'd like to say "No, he wasnt a crack baby, but even if he was, i probably wouldnt be telling you, the cashier at walmart, thank you very much"

:

Originally Posted by queenjane

Mostly though, i learned very early on to stop feeling compelled to tell everyone he was a foster baby...

I got to the same point. This is usually the conversation that happens with family friends who would've sent a gift if we'd had one of our own (through adoption or bio)--so they know/need to know. My husband is Brooklyn Italian and the extended family we see at holidays and functions is overwhelming. Plus, they're not all the most delicate with the way they ask things. I've got some stories... I tell ya!

Originally Posted by queenjane

I now feel people out to see whether there is a reason for me to talk about fostering.

Me, too

Originally Posted by grantskismom+1

This thread has caused me lots of uncomfortable laughter. I've made so many of these comments (although probably in a more tactful manner.....at least I hope!) prior to jumping into the adoption world.

Take pity on us ignoramuses.

I know for me, I usually know that people are misunderstanding and don't realize what they're saying. But this is where I get to vent about it. You're one person. We deal with dozens of these people--ya know?

[grantskismom+1]

Oh I know. I'm already getting the comments and our son isn't even here yet. I've been left speechless a whole awful lot lately.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by azedazobollis

This one is back a few years when I had two babies at once.

Stranger: "Oh they are so cute!"
Me: "Thank you."
Stranger, " How old are they?"
Me: " Two months and Four Months"
Stranger, "Oh, Are they sisters?"
Me: "no."

: We now have a 3 mos old and an 11 mos old. I love it when people ask if they're twins (no) and then how old they are (3 mos and 11 mos). I thoroughly enjoy just sitting there smiling politely at them while they do the math. Some are brave enough to ask, some aren't. For those who ask, I'm about ready just to say, "Yeah, we're happily married," when they ask if they're both mine.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by grantskismom+1

This thread has caused me lots of uncomfortable laughter. I've made so many of these comments (although probably in a more tactful manner.....at least I hope!) prior to jumping into the adoption world.

Take pity on us ignoramuses.

Oh, i almost always assume that people mean things in the nicest way, and i usually look at it as an opportunity to educate people about the need for FPs, etc...i'm lucky ,i guess in that i havent had older FKs, i think that could get uncomfortable talking about these issues in front of them.

Katherine

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

I know for me, I usually know that people are misunderstanding and don't realize what they're saying. But this is where I get to vent about it. You're one person. We deal with dozens of these people--ya know?

You know, I've actually said this quite a few times too, even to foster parents who I knew and worked with when I was a CASA.

But I meant it a different way.

As in, I am pretty sure I would be really, really hard pressed to get up multiple times in the middle of the night for someone else's kid, or deal with their obnoxious behavior when I'm tired and stressed out, or come in and stick up for them to the principal when they've sent another student to the ER. As in, I am way too selfish to make those sacrifices for the good of humanity and I admire you for being able to do it so well.

So next time someone says that, you can quote me and respond with, "Yeah, you're probably too selfish."

[mariaz]

I have two that are 5 months apart and I usually just tell people that they ar etwins--It's SO much easier than going through the whole 20 minute conversation that inevitale fpllows telling anyone that I am a foster mother.

I once told a cashier that they were twins and it turned out that she had twins too--then she asked me all sorts of question like "how far along did you go?" What did they weigh when they were born (my daughter was 8lb 2oz so I couldn't just give their real weights!) and on and on, I wanted to run for the hills!

[mamarhu]

I am so old that even with my teen bios I am taken for grandmother occassionally. (Maaybe I exaggerate...) So regarding my 7YO FD, I want the world to know:

"Yes, she's mine"
"no, she wasn't a surprise - I worked awfully hard to set my life up, to get licensed, to mother this child"
"no, I have no promise I will live to see her through high school. Do you?"
"yes, I am a single parent - I noticed that years ago"

[JoyFilled]

When people say that "It's amazing what your doing". I want to say "It's not that hard."

Cause really in life it's not that hard. To me it is just not that big of a deal.

[bscal]

Please keep talking to ppl (even the ignoramuses!) about FP! I want to Foster one day and love to talk to FPs irl. Also, my DH was given up by his bio mom at birth and in a wonderful foster home until he was 18 mos old and then adopted by his mom and dad. I am so grateful for that foster family (and every foster family!) for everything that they do.

I promise I won't gush on that much if I chat with a FP irl. I will keep it short and try not to say the same cliche things over and over.

Bless all of you!

Beth

[lil_miss_understood]

Thank you for this thread. I'm not a foster parent but I was in foster care as a teen. I am one of those "ignoramuses" who has said "I don't think I could do that." or "That must be so hard."
I saw the heartbreak in my foster mom's eyes every time it was time for me to go home. I saw the hope for me too, but I know (to some degree) how hard it is to let a child you've helped to "get better" from trauma go back to the place or people who traumatized him or her.
When I say "I don't think I could do that.", it's not because I think you (foster parents) are heartless. It's because I don't think I am strong enough to let a child go after they became a child of my heart. I realize, as parents, we all have to let go at some time but usually it's at a much later age when the child is older and more equipped to deal with the world. Although, I think my foster mom taught me much better ways of dealing with the world I had to deal with. Hmm. Food for thought.
I realize this isn't the most intelligible post but I needed to get my thoughts out. I very much hope I have not offended any of you by posting this.