WARNING: LONG POST!
When I first got pregnant, we interviewed almost every midwife in our area and finally found one that was PERFECT for us! And I still really think she is quite perfect... she is everything we wanted in a midwife and both DH and I have always been extremely comfortable with her both personality-wise as well as confident that she was well qualified and able to make good judgement for mom/ baby.
I told her in the beginning that i am kinda "high maintenence" especially because I have had two previous miscarriages which has made me nervous from the beginning about this one. I felt like things were ok up until a couple weeks ago...
Something came up with my health, that if not resolved, would threaten my planned home birth. I had to go see the back up doctor and start dealing with the possibilty of a c-section.
Then my hubby had to go on a business trip (for 5 weeks). While he was gone I got extremely depressed since I am not used to being alone for so long and not having his company- plus it was hard being in my last trimester without him around. I slept most of the day so I could stay awake and talk to him at night (time difference). There is nothing he could have done to avoid going, but still I missed him...
during that time that he was gone several things happened....
one night I felt as if there was water running down my leg. It went on the whole day. I called my midwife and she said she wanted to check to see if it was amniotic fluid. I drove to the birth center at about 8 at night and it turned out to be nothing. She asked me how I was doing with my husband being gone and I started crying (i know!... so pathetic!) The thing is that at that point I got the feeling that she felt I was just really depressed and made something up about the water i was feeling... almost like a hypocondriac (SP?) (which of course I wasn't). I dont know what made me feel that way... if it was her tone or the fact that she just kinda dismissed the whole reason I came in the first place... who knows... but i just felt embarrassed!
Then one night a week or so later, I started having really bad contractions. I panicked and went into the hospital without telling her (mainly because i knew from talking to her and the OB that if I went into labor before the condition cleared it would be an automatic c-section and also if it turned out to be nothing at all, i didnt want to be embarrassed again and feel like i was "crying wolf")... so in my state of panic I ran into L&D. When I got there the nurse was AWFUL! She did an extremely rough cervix exam and then after monitoring me for a while comes in with this big shot that she said she was going to give me to stop contractions. I panicked once again... so i called her and told her that I was in L&D with contractions and the nurse wanted to give me a shot and asked her if I should take it or not. She was quite upset that I went into the hospital without even calling her.
Since then it has been back and forth between do i go with a c-section, no c-section, hospital birth, home birth... I am torn between my emotions, a medical condition, tons or "what ifs" and unknowns... trying to plan for a homebirth that might end up in a transfer due to those conditions, etc...
I COMPLETELY understand how this could all be really annoying and frustrating to her and that she has other clients and she wants me to figure out what exactly I am wanting so she can know what role to play... but it is much easier said that done to make a decision like this and weigh all the risks, pros, cons, etc... especially since it is my first baby! I feel really bad that she is having to deal with me being so unsure and so indecisive!
The thing is that I have noticed she has completely changed towards me. She used to be so nice and friendly with me and always show concern if there was something going on... these days she has taken a HUGE step back. For a while I thought maybe I was just being sensitive, but DH noticed it too, so I know I am not imagining things. She constantly seems annoyed with me and doesn't respond the way she used to to my phone calls or text messages... she is very short and matter of fact and almost at times seems uninterested or unconcerned. It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to tell her if I am having any concerns because I feel like I am bothering her. The last several times I have just called straight to the OB office or L&D for advice. I have become so uncomfortable that I am feeling like i should just plan a hospital birth only because i am so scared to call her if i *think* I am in labor and I am wrong, or if I feel like something during the labor process is off, maybe she will just get annoyed with me.
Despite the fact that she is am EXCELLENT midwife, I am just feeling so uncomfortable.
My husband called her and talked to her about it and she assured him nothing was wrong and she would give me all the support and encouragement during the birth. She did say she was upset that I went to the hospital without informing her, but she says that it is nothing she has done to make me feel that way and she said it is just that so much has happened in such a short period of time so *I* took a step back from her- not the other way around. This is probably true to an extent, but then I do not understand why she is STILL being so cold towards me.
I know i am pregnant and quite emotional and dealing with lots of things, but her acting so different and cold towards me is making me so uncomfortable.
I had finally decided to try and stick with my homebirth and now i am torn again. She is afterall my midwife, not my best friend, so should I just forget about it and go with things as planned since I do trust her to deliver the baby? or is the comfort factor really important?
We have already addressed our concern to her, so cant really do that again.... and I am due any day so i need to make a decision and start mentally preparing myself.
Any advice?
When I first got pregnant, we interviewed almost every midwife in our area and finally found one that was PERFECT for us! And I still really think she is quite perfect... she is everything we wanted in a midwife and both DH and I have always been extremely comfortable with her both personality-wise as well as confident that she was well qualified and able to make good judgement for mom/ baby.
I told her in the beginning that i am kinda "high maintenence" especially because I have had two previous miscarriages which has made me nervous from the beginning about this one. I felt like things were ok up until a couple weeks ago...
Something came up with my health, that if not resolved, would threaten my planned home birth. I had to go see the back up doctor and start dealing with the possibilty of a c-section.
Then my hubby had to go on a business trip (for 5 weeks). While he was gone I got extremely depressed since I am not used to being alone for so long and not having his company- plus it was hard being in my last trimester without him around. I slept most of the day so I could stay awake and talk to him at night (time difference). There is nothing he could have done to avoid going, but still I missed him...
during that time that he was gone several things happened....
one night I felt as if there was water running down my leg. It went on the whole day. I called my midwife and she said she wanted to check to see if it was amniotic fluid. I drove to the birth center at about 8 at night and it turned out to be nothing. She asked me how I was doing with my husband being gone and I started crying (i know!... so pathetic!) The thing is that at that point I got the feeling that she felt I was just really depressed and made something up about the water i was feeling... almost like a hypocondriac (SP?) (which of course I wasn't). I dont know what made me feel that way... if it was her tone or the fact that she just kinda dismissed the whole reason I came in the first place... who knows... but i just felt embarrassed!
Then one night a week or so later, I started having really bad contractions. I panicked and went into the hospital without telling her (mainly because i knew from talking to her and the OB that if I went into labor before the condition cleared it would be an automatic c-section and also if it turned out to be nothing at all, i didnt want to be embarrassed again and feel like i was "crying wolf")... so in my state of panic I ran into L&D. When I got there the nurse was AWFUL! She did an extremely rough cervix exam and then after monitoring me for a while comes in with this big shot that she said she was going to give me to stop contractions. I panicked once again... so i called her and told her that I was in L&D with contractions and the nurse wanted to give me a shot and asked her if I should take it or not. She was quite upset that I went into the hospital without even calling her.
Since then it has been back and forth between do i go with a c-section, no c-section, hospital birth, home birth... I am torn between my emotions, a medical condition, tons or "what ifs" and unknowns... trying to plan for a homebirth that might end up in a transfer due to those conditions, etc...
I COMPLETELY understand how this could all be really annoying and frustrating to her and that she has other clients and she wants me to figure out what exactly I am wanting so she can know what role to play... but it is much easier said that done to make a decision like this and weigh all the risks, pros, cons, etc... especially since it is my first baby! I feel really bad that she is having to deal with me being so unsure and so indecisive!
The thing is that I have noticed she has completely changed towards me. She used to be so nice and friendly with me and always show concern if there was something going on... these days she has taken a HUGE step back. For a while I thought maybe I was just being sensitive, but DH noticed it too, so I know I am not imagining things. She constantly seems annoyed with me and doesn't respond the way she used to to my phone calls or text messages... she is very short and matter of fact and almost at times seems uninterested or unconcerned. It has gotten to the point that I dont even want to tell her if I am having any concerns because I feel like I am bothering her. The last several times I have just called straight to the OB office or L&D for advice. I have become so uncomfortable that I am feeling like i should just plan a hospital birth only because i am so scared to call her if i *think* I am in labor and I am wrong, or if I feel like something during the labor process is off, maybe she will just get annoyed with me.
Despite the fact that she is am EXCELLENT midwife, I am just feeling so uncomfortable.
My husband called her and talked to her about it and she assured him nothing was wrong and she would give me all the support and encouragement during the birth. She did say she was upset that I went to the hospital without informing her, but she says that it is nothing she has done to make me feel that way and she said it is just that so much has happened in such a short period of time so *I* took a step back from her- not the other way around. This is probably true to an extent, but then I do not understand why she is STILL being so cold towards me.
I know i am pregnant and quite emotional and dealing with lots of things, but her acting so different and cold towards me is making me so uncomfortable.
I had finally decided to try and stick with my homebirth and now i am torn again. She is afterall my midwife, not my best friend, so should I just forget about it and go with things as planned since I do trust her to deliver the baby? or is the comfort factor really important?
We have already addressed our concern to her, so cant really do that again.... and I am due any day so i need to make a decision and start mentally preparing myself.
Any advice?
I just pm'd you, lots of prayers being sent your way mama.
