My DD (A) is almost 3.5, bright, articulate, and often sweet and loving.
But when she is tired, sick or under stress she lashes out at other kids.
She's had a lot of change lately....became a big sister at the end of March, we moved to a new house in June and she started a new bilingual preschool about a week and a half ago. Lots of big stuff, and its understandable that she's under stress. She can be very, well, THREE at times...ignoring us, laughing at requests, running away etc, which is frustrating, but most of that is anticipatable/preventable. And ultimately we're her parents and can deal with it. (We're both home most of the time right now and despite having moments of exhaustion etc. we have a lot of resources & time).
But...what I find to be the most difficult of her behaviours is how she lashes out at random kids.
If you're still with me, I'll give some examples of recent incidents and how we handled them (because I think we could be doing a lot better).
1) First day of preschool...in retrospect, we overdid it, going out for an errand afterwards. We ran into some friends at the mall, a mom and her daughter age 4, I'll call her T. We are chatting with the mom and she seems to playing happily with T, who she`s met once before. They are laughing, running around, when all of a sudden, I spot A trying to push T off the bench. I say `be gentle A' at which point A looks at me, grins and smacks T hard across the stomach. I freak out, go over and pick A up and put her on my lap telling her we don't do this to people, and forcing her to apologize. She is very mad, and doesn't want to apologize, eventually she goes over to T who looks very upset & perplexed and shouts an angry 'sorry' at her.
In retrospect, my own furious reaction didn't help, nor did forcing an apology. But how could I have handled this better
2) Last Thursday, I wasn`t there, but dw took dd and baby dd to the park to play, and had to leave within 20 min. because dd was going around poking random children.
3) Today, we are at a local kids farm, a fun outing after a rough morning at home (we had fun baking and playing, but we are both grumpy and getting over colds). We had the place mostly to ourselves, and dd was having fun. Until two incidents:
a) a little girl (also about 3) comes up to dd and I while I am reading her a story. Dd says, do you think she wants to listen too? And I say, maybe, and invite the little girl to listen. She smiles. A then moves to block the entire bench we are sitting on, preventing her from joining us. She then says I don't want her to listen, I want her to go away. And moves to push her. I intervene and immediately take dd and leave the area. Little girl is obviously hurt by the interaction.
b) Dd is the only kid on the playground at the farm and playing happily. Another little boy, 2.5 or 3 comes along and starts playing happily in a different area. Dd runs at him roaring. I intervene, as I can see this escalating. I pick her up and carry her over to the bench to sit with me. I explain that I think she's had enough and that we need to go. And that she needs to be kind to other kids. I go over to dw who is sitting nursing and say that it's time for us to go. We get up to go, dd darts away finds the little boy and roughly shoves him in the chest before I can get to her. I carry her out of the farm. We decide to cancel her swimming lessons and a playdate planned for the day (she has had trouble with this friend in the past) and have a quiet family dinner out instead. She tells us that she will try to be nice if we go ahead with the plans, but we say that we think that a change of plans is better for all of us.
When asked about her behaviour her explanations include:"I'm having an angry at children day" and "I wanted to be the only one at the farm". Well, okay, but that's not an okay way to express these feelings. And of course, she's not quite 3.5.
These are a few incidents of a larger number....but I don't want to suggest she's like this most of the time....maybe 25% or less....we have many many good days, weeks etc. We spend LOTS of time playing one on one together fostering a strong, positive connection, and generally we delight in our funny, fun, loving kid. Also dd is a great big sister. 95% is great with the new baby (aside from screaming to wake her up...another thread). But these incidents really really disturb/worry me. I'm just at a loss...she has never been aggressive until she turns 3. Also, I know that for me hurting/being mean to other kids is the number one thing that pushes my buttons the hardest. I'm a nice person (too much so sometimes) and really value that...
help!
But when she is tired, sick or under stress she lashes out at other kids.
She's had a lot of change lately....became a big sister at the end of March, we moved to a new house in June and she started a new bilingual preschool about a week and a half ago. Lots of big stuff, and its understandable that she's under stress. She can be very, well, THREE at times...ignoring us, laughing at requests, running away etc, which is frustrating, but most of that is anticipatable/preventable. And ultimately we're her parents and can deal with it. (We're both home most of the time right now and despite having moments of exhaustion etc. we have a lot of resources & time).
But...what I find to be the most difficult of her behaviours is how she lashes out at random kids.
If you're still with me, I'll give some examples of recent incidents and how we handled them (because I think we could be doing a lot better).
1) First day of preschool...in retrospect, we overdid it, going out for an errand afterwards. We ran into some friends at the mall, a mom and her daughter age 4, I'll call her T. We are chatting with the mom and she seems to playing happily with T, who she`s met once before. They are laughing, running around, when all of a sudden, I spot A trying to push T off the bench. I say `be gentle A' at which point A looks at me, grins and smacks T hard across the stomach. I freak out, go over and pick A up and put her on my lap telling her we don't do this to people, and forcing her to apologize. She is very mad, and doesn't want to apologize, eventually she goes over to T who looks very upset & perplexed and shouts an angry 'sorry' at her.
In retrospect, my own furious reaction didn't help, nor did forcing an apology. But how could I have handled this better
2) Last Thursday, I wasn`t there, but dw took dd and baby dd to the park to play, and had to leave within 20 min. because dd was going around poking random children.
3) Today, we are at a local kids farm, a fun outing after a rough morning at home (we had fun baking and playing, but we are both grumpy and getting over colds). We had the place mostly to ourselves, and dd was having fun. Until two incidents:
a) a little girl (also about 3) comes up to dd and I while I am reading her a story. Dd says, do you think she wants to listen too? And I say, maybe, and invite the little girl to listen. She smiles. A then moves to block the entire bench we are sitting on, preventing her from joining us. She then says I don't want her to listen, I want her to go away. And moves to push her. I intervene and immediately take dd and leave the area. Little girl is obviously hurt by the interaction.
b) Dd is the only kid on the playground at the farm and playing happily. Another little boy, 2.5 or 3 comes along and starts playing happily in a different area. Dd runs at him roaring. I intervene, as I can see this escalating. I pick her up and carry her over to the bench to sit with me. I explain that I think she's had enough and that we need to go. And that she needs to be kind to other kids. I go over to dw who is sitting nursing and say that it's time for us to go. We get up to go, dd darts away finds the little boy and roughly shoves him in the chest before I can get to her. I carry her out of the farm. We decide to cancel her swimming lessons and a playdate planned for the day (she has had trouble with this friend in the past) and have a quiet family dinner out instead. She tells us that she will try to be nice if we go ahead with the plans, but we say that we think that a change of plans is better for all of us.
When asked about her behaviour her explanations include:"I'm having an angry at children day" and "I wanted to be the only one at the farm". Well, okay, but that's not an okay way to express these feelings. And of course, she's not quite 3.5.
These are a few incidents of a larger number....but I don't want to suggest she's like this most of the time....maybe 25% or less....we have many many good days, weeks etc. We spend LOTS of time playing one on one together fostering a strong, positive connection, and generally we delight in our funny, fun, loving kid. Also dd is a great big sister. 95% is great with the new baby (aside from screaming to wake her up...another thread). But these incidents really really disturb/worry me. I'm just at a loss...she has never been aggressive until she turns 3. Also, I know that for me hurting/being mean to other kids is the number one thing that pushes my buttons the hardest. I'm a nice person (too much so sometimes) and really value that...
help!
s to you ams2009 --It is really hard isn't it? I also find it hard to manage my own emotions around a situation (embarassment, annoyance with other parents) without transferring those emotions onto dd. Who is still little & learning. We are slooowly getting better at anticipating these things and giving her words (they often happen when someone is saying goodbye/leaving) which she finds hard. And we are trying to minimize our interaction with other kids for the moment, especially ones we know are challenging. Sigh. 3 is haaaaaard.
