Ticked off 17 month old.

[Pumpkin_Pie]

I need some help mamas. My son is definitely the most high energy kiddo I have ever met, I am a single mama, so there are no breaks for me, and that combination is turning out to be very volatile. Here is the most recent situation:

DS LOVES to hit. I try to get him to hit the couch, floor, pillows, whatever, but he just LOVES to hit people with his hands, and with his toys. Lately, I have been removing the toys if he is hitting with them, and that does seem to help, but what to do about hitting his friends? He will just run up to them and scream "NO!!" and either push them down very forcefully, or whack them in the face. What I usually do is either go pick him up and say, "We don't hit our friends, hitting hurts" and put him back down a ways away from his friend. Occasionally I just totally lose my cool and snatch him up and say "NO!!!"

His other behavior that is driving me insane, is his absolute inability to watch other toddlers eating anything. I do daycare in my home, so I regularly have one or two other toddlers who are his age around eating lunch, snacks, whatever. If they are all seated at the small toddler table I have, he refuses to eat what is in front of him and snatches everything from in front of the other two. He doesn't really want to eat it, it really seems that he just doesn't want them to have anything. He will occasionally put the food in his mouth, but usually just throws it on the floor and giggles when they scream. I have resorted to physically holding him when the other two need to eat lunch, but that really isn't a good solution for us. Snacks on the go are a nightmare. He will grab the snack right from the hands, or even the mouth of the other toddlers, and everyone ends up screaming and mad.

He is just so mad all of the time, it is making me so sad. I need help. I get so angry with him for all of this, even though I know it is normal 1.5 year old behavior. I just really don't enjoy him very much at all if there are other children around. My friends cringe when they see him coming, which makes me even more sad.

I know I have written posts like this here before, but I really need some concrete ideas for the above two behaviors if anyone has any ideas.

Thanks mamas.

[LynnS6]

For hitting, I'd recommend:
1. Teaching him "gentle touches" and practicing, practicing, practicing. It's hard for a toddler to STOP a motion once they've started it, and it's hard to tell a child never to come near/touch another child. But if you focus on what he SHOULD do, it's easier. So, for example, if he's approaching another child with a toy in his hand, you can say "Toy on the floor". If he looks like he's going to hit with his hands, that's where "gentle" comes in. (Actually, focusing on what a child can do when you're trying to stop/prevent a behavior is probably one of the most useful "tools" in my parenting toolbox.)
2. Shadowing him as much as you can to PREVENT contact.
3. Keep up the toy removal/kid removal when he does make contact.
4. Deep breathing and reminders to yourself that this too shall pass.

For meal/snack time, I would suggest:
1. Assigned chairs for everyone so that each child has his/her own space.
2. A high chair for your child. He's little, his impulse control is almost non-existent, and this is clearly a hard situation for him. The other kids deserve to eat in peace. He deserves to have a space of his own.

[ShwarmaQueen]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie

I need some help mamas. My son is definitely the most high energy kiddo I have ever met, I am a single mama, so there are no breaks for me, and that combination is turning out to be very volatile.

What you're describing is the realization that your DC is transitioning from the "sweet, giggling, coo-ing perfect baby" stage to the mischevious toddler stage. And it's OK. And I don't think it would be as bad on you if there weren't other people's kids there to defend, kwim? He's going to keep doing it, as there is not much you can do to intervene (unless you want to start spanking him- NOT) so the best thing is to separate them when he starts acting up, like you are already doing. The stage will pass.

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

For hitting, I'd recommend:
1. Teaching him "gentle touches" and practicing, practicing, practicing. It's hard for a toddler to STOP a motion once they've started it, and it's hard to tell a child never to come near/touch another child. But if you focus on what he SHOULD do, it's easier. So, for example, if he's approaching another child with a toy in his hand, you can say "Toy on the floor". If he looks like he's going to hit with his hands, that's where "gentle" comes in. (Actually, focusing on what a child can do when you're trying to stop/prevent a behavior is probably one of the most useful "tools" in my parenting toolbox.)

We have definitely worked quite a bit on "gentle touches". When he is in hitting mode, he will often touch gently once or twice, and then whack super hard and scream "NO!" with almost no warning. I think I need to "catch" him being gentle with his friends and praise him for that, rather than constantly reprimanding him. I don't know if he is old enough for that to work, but maybe it would help him to firm up what is appropriate for behavior around his friends.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

2. Shadowing him as much as you can to PREVENT contact.

I try to do this, but I had no idea just how MUCH shadowing was required for toddlers. It is exhausting to go play with other kids, because I have to tail him a foot or two away at all times. I don't have a partner, so there is absolutely no down time. This has to be my biggest frustration. I just want to be the mama who's child goes to the park and plays rather than tackles all the other kids. At least once in a while.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

3. Keep up the toy removal/kid removal when he does make contact.

Yes, this does seem to be helping. I took toys away all day today when he was either hitting with them, or when the boys would fight over a single toy. I just removed it and said, "xxx is going bye bye for now, Bye Bye XXX!" and would put it out of reach. There were some tears, but it really broke the cycle of their screaming, grabbing, hitting, so maybe it is working.

I did sort of do a time out today, which I swore I wouldn't do. DS shoved my DCB (day care boy) down extremely hard, and he hit his chin. I picked up DS a bit more roughly than I should have and plopped him on a chair and then attended to DCB. DS sat in the chair sobbing, and I held DCB. I was so furious at DS, that I couldn't give him any sympathy at all. I know he needed it, and really had no malicious intentions toward DCB, but I just can't figure out how to deal with the shoving and hitting as it happens in the heat of the moment.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

4. Deep breathing and reminders to yourself that this too shall pass.

For meal/snack time, I would suggest:
1. Assigned chairs for everyone so that each child has his/her own space.
2. A high chair for your child. He's little, his impulse control is almost non-existent, and this is clearly a hard situation for him. The other kids deserve to eat in peace. He deserves to have a space of his own.

Today, I had DS in his high chair, rather than at the small toddler table that I have for lunch, and it was much more peaceful. I think the toddler table is just too small. All three boys (when I have three at once) can reach each other, and get right into each other's personal space without even getting up. Also the chairs are so easy to get up from, it is irresistible to DS to remain seated when he can just get up and attack his neighbor. I think I will put DS in his high chair from now on for meals, no matter who else is here. I thought the toddler table was such a great/cute idea, but I can see now, he is just not ready for it.

Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen

What you're describing is the realization that your DC is transitioning from the "sweet, giggling, coo-ing perfect baby"

Ah, no. He never was a sweet, giggling, coo-ing perfect baby. He has been super high energy from day one, and has been hard on other kids for at least the last 6 months. It is just my patience that is wearing thin, and I am needing new ideas on how to handle him.

Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen

stage to the mischevious toddler stage. And it's OK. And I don't think it would be as bad on you if there weren't other people's kids there to defend, kwim? He's going to keep doing it, as there is not much you can do to intervene (unless you want to start spanking him- NOT) so the best thing is to separate them when he starts acting up, like you are already doing. The stage will pass.

It is nearly impossible to separate him. I do childcare in my home 5 days a week, so he has two other 1.5 year olds right in his living space for most of his day, nearly every day. I can't put him in another room and leave him there alone, so we have to deal with these conflicts immediately with all children present. I definitely will not start spanking him (although the urge has certainly crossed my mind ). I so want to just get along with him, and understand how to communicate with him, and how to really understand what is going on in his head. I hate that I end up making him cry nearly every day by getting mad at him for doing things that he is developmentally supposed to be doing.

There needs to be a tribe of mamas of insanely high energy toddlers around my town....

[ShwarmaQueen]

I hope it gets easier on you soon momma.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie

I need some help mamas. My son is definitely the most high energy kiddo I have ever met, I am a single mama, so there are no breaks for me,

Is there someone you can trade child care with? Taking care of your own needs is quite important, especially when you have a high energy/high needs toddler!

do you do sign language with him at all? While I'm a bit skeptical about claims that baby signs make kids "smarter", there is good research to show that kids who know a few signs are less whiny and maybe less frustrated because they can communicate a bit. It DOES get better when they can talk!

[TinyMama]

Would your son like a Pack 'n Play? I know that sounds kinda weird, but when my DD is overwhelmed and can't control herself (she's 16mo) she often asks for her crib. I plop her in there with a few books and her blanket and lovey, and she will sit quietly for up to 20 minutes as long as I am within view.

Sometimes I think they crave their own space just as much as we do, kwim?

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Originally Posted by TinyMama

Would your son like a Pack 'n Play? I know that sounds kinda weird, but when my DD is overwhelmed and can't control herself (she's 16mo) she often asks for her crib. I plop her in there with a few books and her blanket and lovey, and she will sit quietly for up to 20 minutes as long as I am within view.

Sometimes I think they crave their own space just as much as we do, kwim?

I actually tried something similar to this today for the first time. DS was ramming into DCB with his bike, and when I took the bike away, he then started hitting and kicking DCB while I was changing his dipe. I got so frustrated, I put DS in the living room on the other side of the baby gate in between the kitchen and living room, and he just stood there and watched me change the diaper. He calmed down immediately, and didn't even whimper. He hung out in there watching us for a few minutes, and then when he asked to come back into the kitchen, I picked him up and he was much more calm.

I did it purely out of desperation, but it really seemed to help. I am definitely going to be trying it much more frequently. I feel so horrible at putting him in another room, but he really is right there with us, there is just a gate to prevent him from tackling anyone.

As for getting breaks, it is hard. I do get an hour during church occasionally when he will stay in the nursery, and most Saturdays, I do a childcare swap with another mama so I can swim laps at the gym for an hour. It is so nice to get the time away, but I so wish I had a bit more.

We actually had a pretty big breakthrough today. He was trying to steal a toy away from DCB as usual, and I said, "give that back please, we don't take G's toys away from him", and he actually let go! He cried and stood next to DCB, but didn't try to take it again for a few minutes. I was so proud of him! I gave him lots of praise and tried to help him find a new toy. He didn't want to be redirected, but at least he knew I was happy he had stopped trying to steal the toy. Baby steps... I keep having to remind myself that baby steps are good...

[WhaleinGaloshes]

Have you tried wearing him on your back? Maybe this would give him a chance to center himself and take a 'time in', observe and be close to you. He's trying to learn to calm himself and handle emotions and figure all this out.

As high energy as you describe him, I won't be surprised if you say he's always hated being worn and I would never suggest you force him or CIO with him back there, but maybe you can gently encourage him even if he objects a bit.

I think that kind of quiet contact can be a very healing and calming tool if he can accept it.

ETA: It gives you a kind of 'break', too. I'm single, and when DD was that age the time she spent on my back in the Ergo was my break.

[TinyMama]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie

I actually tried something similar to this today for the first time. DS was ramming into DCB with his bike, and when I took the bike away, he then started hitting and kicking DCB while I was changing his dipe. I got so frustrated, I put DS in the living room on the other side of the baby gate in between the kitchen and living room, and he just stood there and watched me change the diaper. He calmed down immediately, and didn't even whimper. He hung out in there watching us for a few minutes, and then when he asked to come back into the kitchen, I picked him up and he was much more calm.

I did it purely out of desperation, but it really seemed to help. I am definitely going to be trying it much more frequently. I feel so horrible at putting him in another room, but he really is right there with us, there is just a gate to prevent him from tackling anyone.

I'm glad this worked! Now, if you can do it BEFORE you're frustrated and BEFORE he freaks out--as a preventitive measure--then he should begin to understand that separation is a good way to moderate his feelings. But I'm very careful to not be frustrated/angry/etc. when I move DD into her crib, b/c I think she can sense my emotions, yk? Be as casual as you can be, while boiling inside.

[Just1More]

Hi!

This is going to sound totally unsympathetic, but...I love these threads! They are always chock full of such great ideas. I find myself happy that I'm not alone in my struggles, and that there are so many things to try. Thanks for starting this one!

Okay...so here's my two cents. My ds is almost 16 months, and I just figured out the source of his "fits" in the last week or so. It's been odd to me, because I'm trying to give him whatever it is he's asking for, and I'm really trying to figure it out, and he'll STILL be throwing a fit. Not a screaming on the the floor fit, but a throw himself on the floor silently and glare at me, then pick up the nearest toy and throw it, then push himself up on his hands and plop on his bottom again, still glaring at me. And I think...what IS the deal? He'll be asking for something, and I'll be giving it to him, and he still won't take it. Hmmm.

And then I recently realized that those fits equal a need to be with me for a few minutes. He's ALWAYS been so independant and strong and capable, that it's really hard to remember he's a BABY. I mean...since he was born, practically. We'd go for a walk and want to set him down at the end of the driveway and let him walk himself to the door...when he was 2 months old. He's just always been like that. He doesn't want cuddled, and he doesn't comfort nurse, usually. So, when suddenly he needs that, it doesn't register. DD needed it ALL the time...I started ds that way and realized I was smothering him...

So, I pick him up and read a book. I sing a song or two. I play cars. Something. He just needs a few minutes. Or I let him nurse a bit. He rarely stays in my lap for more than 5 minutes, but then he'll slide off and be calm and content again, his happy sweet self. Your ds probably feels in constant competition with the other boys for his mama. These things may be his way of attracting your undivided attention, or of showing the other boys this is his house and he "rules the roost". Can you build in time for just him everyday. Like put the others down for their naps, but keep your ds up 15 more minutes?

The other thing I've noticed when he's acting that way is that if he doesn't need a minute with me, then he needs a nap. He does it when he's hungry or tired. Fair enough. (And it's not my fault he's not consistent about naptime...I've tried and tried...but HE switches everyday and if I don't CIO...how do I MAKE him nap?) Anyway, usually when the fits start I'm in for a long haul, but if I'm really careful to notice his very early tired cues, we can avoid it all together and he'll nap and wake up hungry, but happy again.

My last thought is probably not going to earn me any brownie points, but does your ds have a male influence? My ds loves daddy, and seeks men when we go places. Even though he's shy, if there is a man in a mostly female setting, ds (for several months now) will say "hi!" and start showing off for him, trying to get his attention. My dh is gone a lot and works long hours, and when he doesn't come home in the evenings, ds starts to get pretty grumpy and hard to manage. If I spend 30 minutes or so in fairly rough play, he's happy again. He just really needs to get that out, and if I'm not careful, I can try to make my busy, robust boy play quiet games with me and dd all day. He's not going to sit and play anything for long, you know? And he needs more than to be allowed to roam. He needs me to roam and laugh and rough-house WITH him, to make him comfortable and happy being him. Just a thought.


And...what are you feeding him? Dyes, and processed junk can make behavior that's just appalling...and the child doesn't even know they are doing it, really. It just changes things entirely. I'd stick to whole foods and make sure to do everything to be certain ds is feeling his best, and that may make it easier for him to "play nice".

Hope your days get better! Basically, for 5 days a week...you have triplets. That's tough! Don't be too hard on yourself!

(c:

[Pumpkin_Pie]

Thank-You mamas for all of your thoughtful replies. I am so grateful that I can come here and not get the "You are spoiling him, and he needs to learn to not be so manipulative" response. You are all so fabulous!

TinyMama, I am working so hard on reading his signs that he needs to be seperated early before we both lose our cool. Yesterday I was much more causual about removing toys when he and my other DCB were fighting over things. I would first try to help him to find another toy, but when that didn't work, I just removed the toy from both boys and said very calmly "We are putting xx away, no more xx". The crying was much, MUCH less than the day before, and he really seems ok with me removing whatever it is. I am so happy that this is working. Now, I hope the removal of HIM from situations will work equally as well and we can both stay calm and sane.

Wearing him on my back when he is getting out of control is a great idea. He LOVES to be worn most of the time. I don't do it all that much anymore unless we are on a walk, mainly because I don't really think to. Thanks for that reminder. I had started to do that to get dinner cooked and housework done a couple of minths ago, and it was helping quite a bit. I think I need to write myself a list of reminders of things that work for us both to regroup.

Just1More, I am positive that he is seeking Mama time most of the times that he is being aggressive towards other kids, but he generally seems to do it when I CAN'T give him one on one time, like during a diaper change for a DCB, or while I am cooking a meal. It is also hard to give one on one when I have three at once (which is only two days a week, thankfully), so as much as I know he needs it, it is very hard. I am going to start wearing him on my back more as suggested above though, so we will see how that goes.

As for male influences, he really has none. I don't have any male friends, and only my father as a male relative, whom he only sees about once every month or two. I wish he had more contact with men, but he doesn't, so we deal.

His diet is great. He is thin, and I am trying to get more calories into him, but he LOVES fruits and veggies and will pick them over processed crap. Just yesterday I was visiting a friend, and she was feeding her kids Kraft Mac and Cheese and she made veggie stir fry for the adults, and he wouldn't even take a bite of the mac and cheese and gobbled down the broccoli, beans and peppers in my stir fry. He gets no artificial colors, very little processed foods, about 50% organic, and he drinks mainly water with one or two sippies of cow's milk a week. I cringe to think of how nutty he would be if he ate junk food regularly.