Whining about transferring

[sapphire_chan]

I feel stupid posting this because Lina's birth wasn't even traumatic. But this seems like the logical place to whine about petty regrets.

I'd planned a homebirth since I first considered that I'd grow up and have kids. Wanted a UC since I heard of the idea and was ecstatic when dh came on board whole heartedly in the first month of pregnancy.

And now....

now I want a t-shirt for Lina that reads "not born at home--"

now I haven't told anyone we were trying for a UC when we transferred

now I don't even feel right saying it was a transfer since I was barely even dilated enough for them to admit me when we got to the hospital. If I hadn't been 100% effaced, they probably would have sent me home again.

anyway I know it's early yet and I will be less upset over things as time goes on and we are planning on at least one more child (and goodness knows witnessing a physiologically normal birth (please God?) is more important for Lina than being born at home)

and DH was nearly as disappointed which helps

but I just had to whine

Oh and the bitterness when someone asks "but you still ended up with a natural birth?" Hah. I am grateful I didn't have a c-section because of how difficult that recovery would have been, but I hardly think all the drugs I got equals "natural."

[FullMetalMom]

I've been there, I know how disappointing it is to have planned a homebirth and then transferred to the hospital. Even though it didn't end in surgery it was still heartbreaking.

[knitted_in_the_wom]

Hugs! It is okay to be disappointed, upset, even mourn a bit. I don't know your birth story...but obviously it was nothing like what you had wanted. We know that you are thankful for your healthy baby and what did go right in your birth.

Jenn

[leila1213]

I was just lurking, but I can't figure out from your post - why did you go to the hospital? Sorry, curious. :

[Arwyn]

There's no litmus test for whether your trauma (or regrets) are serious "enough" to need healing, sympathy, love, and support. It's OK to grieve even "small" losses. It's OK to feel bad. It's OK to be angry, and disappointed, and whatever else you're feeling. No one else gets to judge your feelings about your birth.

[runes]

I can really relate, and for the longest time, I felt like such a "fraud" for not having the natural birth at home that we had planned for.

It's now been almost 3 years, and it is not until very recently that I have gotten to the point that I again consider myself a "natural birthing" woman again. In the end, I realized that it was the intent that mattered. I was truly humbled by birth and the drugs that I received absolutely qualify as "compassionate use of painkillers".

Dh and I are thinking about adding to our family, and we will again plan the peaceful, natural homebirth that we had envisioned for DD's birth. And that all things considered, I feel SO fortunate to not have to be preparing for a VBAC. (ps: not harshing on mothers who have c-sections with that statement...just speaking MY truth, ok?)

Give yourself the space to mourn the loss of the birth that you had planned for. Be gentle with yourself, mama.

[calpurnia]

I've given up reading the birthing forums here because so much of the rhetoric used makes me feel like a failure.

I had also always planned a homebirth, had no fears or worries to work through about it all, assumed that since I was young & healthy & "birth works" that it would all be fine. I feel like the fact it didn't work was my fault, that I failed in my preparations somehow.

So yeah.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by leila1213

I was just lurking, but I can't figure out from your post - why did you go to the hospital? Sorry, curious. :

Over 30 hours of back labor and I just couldn't anymore. If labor 2 starts like labor 1, I'm downing 3-4 glasses of wine.

[bobandjess99]

I too felt sort of like you did..that MY birth trauma wasn't "bad enough". Heck, i didn't even transfer, my birth was just traumatizingly painful, but nothing "bad" happened in that i wasn't disrespected, cut, threatened, etc. I felt for a long time like the trauma I experienced wasn't valid or "bad enough" to warrant the extreme, debilitating effects that I had.
And by the way..i had some back labor with ds..like an hour or two at the end....I can't imagine 30 hours of it...I absolutely wouldn't have made it that long..I wouldn't have made it THREE hours..seriously. If my back labor hadn't presented during late transition/pushing, I'd have been at the hospital.

[leila1213]

Not to hijack, but can I ask a question of the OP and PPs who feel disappointed in not having the births they planned for? If the way the rhetoric is set up here on MDC to expect that everything will go well left you feeling like you 'failed', then what do you feel is the 'right' way to support someone who wants a natural birth? I'm asking because my sister is pregnant with her first and is planning a natural birth center birth. How can I help her prepare for possible pain or complications that might derail her plans, without it seeming like I don't believe in her ability to birth naturally? Thoughts on how we can do better to support each other for any outcome, when we want to support as natural a birth as possible? I don't want her to feel like a failure or like she's disappointing *me* if she doesn't end up with the birth she wants. (I hope I'm saying this the way it sounds in my head...)

[Arwyn]

Leila, I think that'd be a great topic to start in the main Birth and Beyond forum, and you'll get a lot more responses that way, and not derail sapphire_chan's thread. You can link to it here if you want these women to answer.

[leila1213]

Originally Posted by Arwyn

Leila, I think that'd be a great topic to start in the main Birth and Beyond forum, and you'll get a lot more responses that way, and not derail sapphire_chan's thread. You can link to it here if you want these women to answer.

Good idea. Sorry, sapphire_chan!

[Synchro246]

saphire

I've always felt a sisterly bond to you here on these boards and you've been lovingly supportive of me when I've whined about my transfer to the hospital with my first. It took me a long time to process the whole thing. I remember coming home from the hospital to the house, all prepared for birth, UGH . I recently looked at pics from that birth and the bitter half of my bitter-sweet feelings are finally fading, 3.5 years & a normal, quick homebirth later.
First time transfers are SO common whereas the second time around things really are much more likely to play out more smoothly. Really.

Your body is obviously incredible--you made a GORGEOUS baby!


I'm rambling.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by leila1213

Good idea. Sorry, sapphire_chan!

That's fine. I'm not quite ready to answer the question fully myself, but it's a great one. I'll check out the new thread.

[sapphire_chan]

And now the bills are coming in. Which is extra annoying because the only reason I bought health insurance, and got an extension of coverage, was to not have to deal with the bills if I had to go to the hospital.

[Doula Dani]

I want to ask you- what was beautiful about your birth? I agree that it sounds like there were disappointing parts, and I know that that is a hard thing to deal with. Very hard.

What went right? Let's talk about it.

[magnoliasmama]

I'm dealing with the same things right now. The heartache I felt over the birth of our baby was unbearable. I haven't had a chance to write it all down yet, but I'll be posting my own story soon.

I just wanted to share whats really helping me at the moment. Find all the things about your birth that you can be really proud of.

Like for me... I'm proud that I healed so incredibly quick from major abdominal surgery... or that my body stopped labor when something was not right... or that I found the space in my heart to forgive my midwife even though she was really insensitive towards me after the birth.

Find one thing and write it down and then find another. Keep writing down all the things about your birth that you are proud of. Soon enough you'll be beaming with pride over your experience and how amazing you really are.

Right off, I would say that tolerating 30 hours of back labor makes you pretty effing amazing!

[magnoliasmama]

And now the bills are coming in. Which is extra annoying because the only reason I bought health insurance, and got an extension of coverage, was to not have to deal with the bills if I had to go to the hospital.

Oh, and I'm dealing with this too. When I saw the bills I cried. Twenty percent of sixty thousand dollars is a lot of money :

[Juniperberry]

Im glad i found this thread. I know what it's like coming to terms with the fact that the birth you experienced was so far from the one you imagined.

I had DS at the hospital (was totally ignorant to the option of doing it any other way at the time) and I wanted to have a natural birth and experience everything, and enjoy drawing strength from DH - I had a real vision of how it would be.

I ended up being induced when I was 41 weeks (again, I was ignorant as to my options) with pitocin and I went from no pain to excruciating madness in 2 hours and I cried for an epidural. I got the epidural and that was that. No more pain. I felt delirious and strange... anyway, I had to be told when to push, they had to help him out with a ventouse... and I was and still am incredibly dissapointed with the birth and with myself for not handling it and not being more prepared. I really feel like I failed.

Reading that you went through 30 hours of back labor is incredible... I couldn't even handle 2 hours.... so to me you're already a saint

I totally agree with the pp's that you really need to think of the positive parts of the birth no matter how small and insignificant they may be. There are good points to mine... it took me a long time to see them, but it does help.

s

[cottonwood]

Originally Posted by Arwyn

There's no litmus test for whether your trauma (or regrets) are serious "enough" to need healing, sympathy, love, and support. It's OK to grieve even "small" losses. It's OK to feel bad. It's OK to be angry, and disappointed, and whatever else you're feeling. No one else gets to judge your feelings about your birth.

Originally Posted by bobandjess99

I too felt sort of like you did..that MY birth trauma wasn't "bad enough".

I'm really glad for this thread, because although I refer to my birth as traumatic, I always feel afraid that when people actually hear the story they'll be like, "Uh... okayyyy..."

And by the way..i had some back labor with ds..like an hour or two at the end....I can't imagine 30 hours of it...I absolutely wouldn't have made it that long..I wouldn't have made it THREE hours..seriously. If my back labor hadn't presented during late transition/pushing, I'd have been at the hospital.

Well, all back labor isn't created equal. There's feeling contractions in your back and then there's feeling like your back IS BEING RIPPED APART. Neither is fun, but one extreme is definitely do-able longer than the other!