I'm tempted to cave to reward / punishment system

[JoAnnaL1209]

My 5 year old son is going through a VERY awful phase, for the past maybe 2 weeks. He doesn't listen AT ALL and completely disregards me and is extremely distructive. We home school and I'm tempted to send him to school as well; he's just been TOO MUCH!!! I don't want to do rewards / punishments because I feel in the long run he won't get the right perspective on things, but it's the last thing I can think of to get through this difficult time. any alternative suggestions? Thanks!

[Bird Girl]

What's he destroying? If he's having emotional-type outbursts, a rewards/punishment system probably won't affect that anyhow, so if it's against your philosophy, I'd skip it. What you can do is strip his environment so there's hardly anything to destroy--like one stuffie on his bed, one book or set of manipulatives out at a time, one toy or toy-set (like legos.) Put everything else away, so he can't get to it. I can't be calm when someone is destroying things I love, so until you get this sorted, I'd put anything that you cared about AWAY.

Does he watch TV or play video games? Those can cause violent outbursts for no other apparent reason. Make sure he has plenty of time outside, lots of exercise and fresh air and sunlight. Boys especially get unbalanced emotionally from too much inside time, I think.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Can you see what the triggers are, or does it happen out of the blue?

There's many things you might try that could help, but its hard to know what he needs without knowing more details.

The Explosive Child is a good book for dealing with inflexibility and low tolerance to not having things exactly his way - does this sound like him?

Diet could be a factor, or sleep, or needing more physical activity.

Is he destroying things because he's angry, and if so, is it an out-of-control sort of anger or a meditated "I'm gonna bust this because I can't have my way" anger? Is he destroying things because he's just being too rough with them? Is he being more physical overall not related to anger or is it all anger-driven?

I'm not opposed to rewards/reinforcers but I think I would first try to figure out why its happening, and see if there's ways to modify the environment (as a PP mentioned), meet sensory needs, teach new skills, or deal with his health if its food/sleep/etc related.

[JoAnnaL1209]

Thank you for both of your responses, they have sparked some other things to consider.
His destruction is not from anger, he is TOO rough and rowdy. He doesn't have many toys, the things he destroys are couches, bed, pillows, and kitchen utencils that are accessible for kitchen play. and he leaves food ALL over the place.
His meltdowns are mostly food related, he doesn't eat what I make and drops to the ground screaming that he is starving. Or otherwise because he is not getting his way.
Whenever I ask him a homeschool question he says he 'doesn't want to speak', if I continue with probing questions, he will answer me eventually, but it's a struggle. I try to be non-emotional when he acts that way, but sometimes it's too much.
He has been watching tv,playing video games, and staying up too late ... this is also and issue with dh,him not thinking that these things are a problem.
have to go now ... Thanks!

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by JoAnnaL1209

He has been watching tv,playing video games, and staying up too late

I would say that's your problem right there.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Too rough and rowdy is often related to sensory needs (and maybe tv and video games as you noted). It might be useful to adjust your curriculum for a few weeks to try to incorporate more sensory activities, particularly full-body motion if you can. Jumping into a bean bag, swinging, being rolled up in a blanket like a burrito (and immediately unrolled), running, jumping, etc.

Hyperdash game is good for getting energy out AND learning numbers/colors:
http://www.amazon.com/Wild-Planet-46...1769857&sr=8-1

A balance board is fun and helps with sensory feedback: http://www.amazon.com/Diggin-00130-W...1769956&sr=1-3

Sitting on a hippity hop while doing academic-type stuff can be really useful in helping the child focus and stay on task.

You can make cooking part of your curriculum, having him choose from a few healthy recipes some things he might like to make for lunch. Maybe that will help with the food battles. Another thing that might help is keeping a snack tray out all day with healthy options that he can access any time: carrot sticks, celery with almond butter, fruit, cheese, etc if you suspect his blood sugar is so low by meal time that he overreacts no matter what you might offer.

Having him participate in the homeschool schedule at the beginning of the day might help him feel more in control. What I do for DD is have 4 basic time slots: Arts and crafts, worksheets, reading, and computer learning. Within those categories she can pick from two or three activities (so for arts and crafts she could choose playdoh or painting, for example; for computer time she can choose from Starfall.com or PBSkids.com, for reading she can choose which books, etc). We have a flannel board schedule and she places her selections in the time slots then we start, taking frequent breaks as needed.

Sounds like you have two issues: too rough and tumble but in good spirits, and food-related tantrums.

Its harder to try and stop behavior and easier to try to teach alternatives to those issues. Giving him more control over food and having more frequent access to healthy foods might help with the food tantrums. Redirecting him to one of the gross motor activities available to him when he is about to trash the bed or whatever might help with the destruction. If you want to use a reward program, you might even give rewards when he independently asks for a motor break and appropriately uses one of his gross motor activities. Given his food issues, I think I would avoid using edible treats as rewards and go more for video time earned, free time earned, or special weekly activities or something.

[JoAnnaL1209]

BellinghamCrunchie
Wow, thank you so much for your thought out response; it certainly puts our activities in a different perspective. Right now we are in a letter block, using waldorf block learning method. Do you happen to know how I could incorporate the methods you suggested to learn phonetic sounds / letters and things of that nature? We have a large trampoline, so I think I'll try to think of some ideas to incorporate that. By hippity hop, do you mean a ball with a handle to bounce on?
What kind of learning is this called, so I can google for more ideas / books? This is definately something we will try. I have some sensory integration books with great activities to stay busy, but they are not 'educational' in the academic sense.
The snack tray is a great idea as well, can't wait to try it. Do you have any more suggestions for what I might offer as easy snacks? And would I still attempt breakfast / lunch / dinner ... or just a full tray throughout the day?
Thanks!!

[mlh]

Hugs to you!! Good for you for reaching out for help. The first thing my Naturopath suspects when my kids are acting different is diet...and she is always right! You could try eliminating certain things to see if it helps. Dairy would be a good one to start with...or soy, eggs, wheat.
I would also suggest less t.v. and more playing outside along with lots of quiet down time. And it never hurts to give a homeopathic or herbs to help calm him down.
My kids are also very affected when they don't get enough sleep! On these days we really take it easy and try for naps and early bed times...or at least an early down time in the evening.
We did the snack tray with my first dd and she liked it. We would put in nuts, seeds, carrots, celery, cereal, dried fruit, hummus for dipping, pita triangles.
Good luck....things will get better and you are a wonderful mom!!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by JoAnnaL1209

Right now we are in a letter block, using waldorf block learning method. Do you happen to know how I could incorporate the methods you suggested to learn phonetic sounds / letters and things of that nature?

You might try the homeschool forum. There are many Waldorfers over there. I'm not really familiar with Waldorf, except for what I've learned here; that its pretty nature-based, is that right? It sounds like something we would like. Here's the Waldorf section: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...play.php?f=285

Originally Posted by JoAnnaL1209

By hippity hop, do you mean a ball with a handle to bounce on?
What kind of learning is this called, so I can google for more ideas / books?

Yes, exactly.

The hippity hop is actually recommended for kids with ADHD, but I think it works well for kids who are simply energetic or have a bit more of a sensory focus. I read about it on the special needs forum here. I'll bet if you were to post in special needs (there are a lot of homeschoolers over there, too) people would have some great ideas for helping the active, sensory kid to participate in his homeschool activities.

Here's a great thread for more sensory activities: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ry#post8889807



I usually pull the food tray about 2:00pm because we try to have one family meal a day (not always successfully but we try ) and we usually eat around 5pm. So maybe you could focus on one meal together, if you wanted, and pick up the tray maybe 2-3 hours before that? Or whatever you think might work.

There was a really good thread about snack trays with some good ideas for what kinds of snacks are healthy and interesting and can stay out a while. I'll try to find it. It was either in this forum or nutrition, I think. Here's one: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...t=toddler+tray