afraid to go on playdates

[forrestguy]

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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Especially with new kids. I'm the one that's afraid, not my kids, because I don't trust that they'll act like civilized people. And it's mostly my almost six y/o son. He's been asking for friends, asking, and asking, so we finally met a kid close to his age who is also homeschooling and they seemed to get along, but then he had a playdate over at the kid's house and when I picked him up the mom was visibly at the end of her rope and said it was pretty rough. Then today we go over to a very nice, calm family's house. She was our midwife and she homeschools and her kids are so calm and well adjusted and then my kids come over and wreak havok. There was sword fighting that got too violent and my six y/o trying to wreck a block structure that the older kids made and I just start getting panicky like they're going to do something awful and everyone is going to look at me like I'm an awful parent and that's kind of how I'm feeling right now.

Kim
mom to three loving boys

[4evermom]

: I can relate! Just having one kid, it's easier because if he gets overstimulated (or bored? whatever), I can haul him away. I really treasure one friend we have that brings out the best in ds. She has a spirited kid, too, and her child and mine seem to take turns at getting riled up without usually feeding each other's frenzy too much. It's strange. Ds is just very sensitive and some people bring out the worst in him. Unsurprisingly, they tend to be people who are more controlling. Or tense. I bet your kids pick up on your feeling tense (I don't mean that quite as it sounds, that you bring out the worst, just that they probably are affected by your tenseness ). With my ds, it usually helped a lot to phrase things positively ("remember to walk in the house," rather than saying "don't run").

I like to meet people at playgrounds, personally. Sometimes I bring something that plays well in a group (enough nets for the creek, bubbles, stomp rockets).

[homeschoolingmama]

I am right there with ya!
My son is 2 and he bites and hits. I have to literally follow him around so I can be close enough to stop it. He isn't very verbal yet so I think that has something to do with it. He seems to feel bad afterwards but that is his first reaction when someone takes something. Our girls weren't aggressive so this is all new to us. Although, he shared for the first time today! :

[forrestguy]

I'm sure they do pick up on my tension. I need to relax, and also realize that not everyone is judging me. Instead of being so worried about what everyone else is thinking, just share my fears or concerns. It's hard, though, because people do judge you based on how your kids act and I guess that's somewhat valid, except that my kids act way different at friends houses then they do at my house. They also act way different when they're separated then when they're together. Thanks for the support, so good to know I'm not the only one.

[elizawill]

oh my gosh, i can completely relate!! my son is 4 1/2. i feel so badly because he really doesn't have friends, but he wants them! he's actually very social! the thing is - he is not gentle. he doesn't hit other kids and he's not mean to them... he just has no real sense of one's personal needs and boundaries. he wants to sword fight, jump, run, yell, laugh, bounce, chase, etc. he loves older boys to play with because they tend to horse around more... but older kids don't want to play with a 4 year old obviously.... so in return he's kinda a big pest to them and i have to intervene to try and redirect him. he won't follow cues that people give him to simply back off.

i'm at a complete loss and have no idea what to do to better meet his needs. not to mention, my son still can have emotional meltdowns. sometimes they're triggered by being tired...or hungry..or sometimes he gets embarassed or has hurt feelings. his emotional meltdowns can make it a billion times worse in public!!

going to group functions or playdates is really not fun for me on so many levels....but i can say it is getting a lot easier than it used to be...so i'm hanging onto the hope that he'll grow into himself before too long....and hopefully outgrow a lot of this.

so... yea. i understand.

[musikat]

OMG I could have written your post almost word for word -- except we don't homeschool. I, too, have three boys, ages 6 1/2, 4 1/2 and 17 months. My 6 1/2 year old is the main culprit, although I have occasionally had issues with the 4 year old (nothing NEAR the oldest though). I even get worried at Chick-fil-A when he is playing in the play area. He just gets so rough and doesn't seem to get the other kids' "stop" cues. Just yesterday we were there (to try and work some energy off between school and Kindermusik) and he was playing with a boy one year older than him. The boys played Star Wars for a few minutes then they started climbing the poles. The other boy's mom came in to say something to her son and MY son kept trying to pull hers down off the pole to keep playing with him. She finally turned to my son and told him, in a peeved tone of voice, "you need to stop touching him now."

I get very embarrassed and nervous. We have had some incidents at school (Montessori), too. I am just sad and at the end of my rope at the moment. I just found it interesting that I came on here and saw your post with some of the same issues I face.

Hang in there. I keep hoping it will get better!

[forrestguy]

Exactly! My six y/o has no idea when to stop or any sense of personal space or boundaries. He's used to being on the offensive, too, because when my older son has friends over and they don't want to play with him he ends up throwing stuff at them or telling them he hates them. It's very discouraging and tiring.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by forrestguy

Exactly they don't want to play with him he ends up throwing stuff at them or telling them he hates them.

that was daniel. it's EXHAUSTING.

[rzberrymom]

Not sure if anyone mentioned this, but I totally avoid indoor playdates for this reason. Maybe a playground, but I find the best playdates happen in an open field, forest, maybe by a creek--lots of room for swords and roaming, lots of sticks, leaves, rocks--no one has to fight over toys or who gets the swing first.

[aaronsmom]

This is sooo my son, but he's only two. One minute he can be really sweet, giving hugs and kisses and sharing and then in the blink of an eye he'll be biting, pinching, kicking and punching.
It's hard especially when most of the kids I know his age are not like that at all (at least that I see). So, when we get invited to birthdays or playdates I usually decline because I feel so embarrassed. :

[One_Girl]

It sounds like they need more open space to play in. Maybe an outdoor playdate would work better for them. I definitely prefer outdoor playdates to indoor ones. When kids get together inside they seem to wreak a lot of havoc, especially on the first few playdates. I have had my wonderful dd and her wonderful friend turn into barbarians at our house the first few times and take out things that they really shouldn't be in, like all of my underwear from the underwear drawer and using my knitting needles as swords, and then there is the attempts to kiss whenever you leave the room if they are at that curious about adult stuff stage. I just stay with them and don't let them have time away from me when we are inside and if the parent is here they tend to do the same. When we go outside they get more freedom and there is less to hurt themselves or others on. It may also help to stay with them during the whole playdate as well and monitor what they are doing and intervene to prompt them about rules or the words they are using.