Mamas, help me help my colleague

[ASusan]

who is getting custody of her 2-wk-old & 3-yr-old nieces today. What does she need and how can I help? In addition, they have no power. (out because of storms, should be back...in a couple of days).

We both have crazy days at work today...barely time to think. Her DH is picking up the girls right now.

Any suggestions for what I can gather for them to make the next week or so go more smoothly?

(I could even pump for them. My son is refusing pumped milk at daycare anyway!)

Thanks!

[quantumleap]

The things I didn't really think of ahead of time were:
-booster seat for the table/eating (although, at three, she might be tall enough?)
-sippy cups (again, at three, she should be out of these though)
-crib sized blankets
-bath toys (of course, these are easily improvised, but sometimes it's fun to have something task specific)

Of course, if your co-worker already has children, I don't think there are going to be any surprises for her. She'll likely know what she likes to have and may have gotten rid of after her own children were through with them. Have you had a chance to ask? There are likely issues surrounding pumped breastmilk for foster children wherever you are. It's not typically "allowed", even though I'd love to have it available for a foster child.
Does she have craft supplies and a few toys for the three year old? What about organizing meals, if work is chaotic for you guys right now. It's quite an adjustment to go from coming home from work and preparing a meal and eating later (sans kids), to needing to have something in their mouths practically the second you step in the door at night, especially with no power!
They're going to be busy! Are you close enough that she can come cry on your shoulder at some point? Especially if this is their frist fostering experience, it's ridiculously overwhelming. About a week into our first placement, I was an emotional wreck!
All the best to her, and how nice of you to think of doing something supportive for the family.

[ASusan]

No- they're child-free. So, a carrier, diapers, and bottles...

[Sierra]

Hmmm...well, the bottles are hard. Before we got our first babies placed with us, we collected two or three types and thought surely we'd have something in the mix that a baby might take. Both ds and dfd refused all three. With ds we had to experiment with a bunch of types before we finally settled on one. With dfd, she came with a couple of bottles that she didn't really like, but accepted better than the ones we had. Be sure, before you get some bottles, that they know what the baby is accepting. If they are still figuring that out, you could either (a) help them out by getting one each of three to five kinds to assist them in trying a sampling, or (b) tell them as soon as they figure out what the baby will take, to let you know because you want to get them several.

The other big thing that would have helped me is if someone had advocated for me or helped me advocate for myself that I needed a little time off. When ds was placed at us at 1.5 days old, he was still in the hospital, but I sort of immediately went into this "postpartum state." I was literally writing a sermon by his bassinet just a day after he was placed with us. My supervising minister offerred to take the sermon off my hands, but I felt like it was the right time to give that sermon. And then there was a crisis in the church that needed to be addressed. But once that all stabalized, I wish someone had helped me see how much I needed to have a month or two to come to grips with parenting this new little babe who I had no idea was arriving even just a week earlier. From that point onward, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was drowning at work. It was hard. Even if the placement is short-term, if there is any reason to believe this will go on for more than three or four months, I'd say this mama should take at least a few weeks to get settled in. There is no way to really "get" what it means to become an "instant parent" until you have been there. Even if you know it might happen (like when you get foster licensed), when one day you wake up without kids and by that afternoon you are planning their move into your home, it is just a lot to take in (even as joyful as it can also be).

[frog]

Depending on the three-year old, some of those socket guards would be good (even if she's past that stage, her sib won't be fore a while but it's not as urgent if she is). I'd also see about getting them some sort of child's medical handbook thing--whatever works for their philosophy.

[quantumleap]

No other kids hey? It is a shock to become instant parents!

Carrier - maybe a pouch? Easy learning curve, could work for both the three y/o and the infant... Wearing our 2 y/o was one of my more brilliant ideas. He thought it was a bit nutty when I was sliding him in there, but then, ah, peace!

Is there a flea market/salvation army/goodwill near you? That might be a good starting place for toys, clothes and books. Our fostering agency will provide car seats, strollers and pack and play type play pens, which may or may not be an option for these guys. Did they seek out custody (ie: do they know about resources due to going through training of some sort?), or was this just a last minute kinship thing? 'Cause I think they might need even more help if it's the latter.

With the power thing - do they have enough flashlights and batteries to keep a three year old in a new house and living situation confortable going to the bathroom at night, etc?

The more I think about this, the more I go, "Whoa". They are going to need some time off!

[ASusan]

It's a kinship thing. Her DH is currently off work, although I think he starts up again in a week or two. We are mid-semester, so not much flexibility there. Her classes are set, although the rest of her schedule might be flexible.

Suggestions for time off are good - we do have FMLA if they need it.

Overall, I think the situation might be at least a few weeks, but it could go on quite a bit longer. My guess is that they can get SOME stuff from the parents, but the newborn stuff - and newborn adjustment - kinda makes my head spin a little.

[Polliwog]

If you have a Freecycle group in your area, post a wanted request. She, or you, will get lots of stuff that are just clogging other people's closets.

Outlet covers are a must. I'd do the toddler sippy cups since kids from chaotic backgrounds aren't often given open cups. I wouldn't be too surprised if the three-year-old also used a bottle, so sippys can come in handy. A booster seat for the table is important. My four-year-old has a hard time reaching the table unless he's up on his knees. You can get an inexpensive one at Target. The three-year-old might still be sleeping in a crib, that's fairly common too. A toddler bed or even a mattress on the floor would be a good transition in that case.

A toothbrush and fluoride-free toothpaste is a must along with tear-free shampoo/bodywash.

[MCR]

A couple of gates that stay in place with the pressure bar (does that make sense) They've never had kids, they need to fence up to give themselves time to child proof. Outlet covers are a great idea, and some cupboard locks.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by ASusan

Suggestions for time off are good - we do have FMLA if they need it.

Are there any options in case they can't afford that? Is there a maternity leave clause that could be applied with a little advocacy? My dw used to work at a place where you could donate any desired amount of your paid time off/vacation days or sick leave to other employees. They would do collections for one another for things like this.

[sleet76]

I'm not a foster parent, but the best help I've had when I've had additions to the family is food--meals! Could you set up a dinner-providing schedule for your friend by people at work? If she has to be there and not home with the kids, maybe she could walk in after work with dinner already done for a few weeks.