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post #41 of 95
ruth

MM, please do read toxic parents. i finally did last night (someone recommended it to me at least 3yrs ago, if not longer). it was great. she specifically and very clearly addresses the concept of forgiveness (and guilt and "honoring" parents) from both a psychotherapeutic standpoint and a judeochristian one. hopefully you'll find it useful, as i did.

be good to yourself right now. one of the biggest things i haven't been doing is grieving as much as i should, in my efforts to just be *strong* and *together*. try to spend time with other family, if you're able, and allow yourself to be mothered by other sources of love.

post #42 of 95
Thread Starter 
Kelly, this book sounds like just what I need. I'm going to try to find it at the library. I'm glad it's been a help to you, too!

And, to everyone, and Thank You! It's great to have all this empathy and encouragement!
post #43 of 95
Mammal mama, I just saw this today and read through. We ended contact with my parents when ds1 was 11months old after an incident that was too close to the abuse I endured as a child.

We went to help them this past Christmas after my dad was in a serious collision that left him immobile for a while. My mum needed help and my dad's business would have folded without our help; we went willingly, and of course hoped that in doing so, there might be a chance of reconciliation. While there they were very grateful and respectful. Then once we returned from 6 weeks away from our home, I called my dad to say happy birthday, and in that short conversation, he managed to divulge his obviously unchanged opinion of me and my abilities. That was disappointing to say the least. We haven't spoken since.

During our stay to help my parents, dh had to end relations with his dad too- for similar reasons- emotional abuse of both him and our boys, which is where it went too far for us.

We have also been treated like we're melodramatic, but if you've experienced the manipulative and hostile sort of child-parent relationship that we have, you'll know that we probably waited too long to do something about it.

After years, I do not harbour anger toward my parents, and sadly, I will not likely see them again; we've moved more than 6000km away from them. I remain open to reconciliation, though, but it would take an actual effort from them toward me and my family, a first for them.

I just love my husband and children too much to let them experience what has taken me years to rip apart and try to put in order. I can easily empathise with you and the decision you've had to make. I know it's not easy, but in the end, it's not honouring either you or your mum to knowingly allow an unhealthy relationship to both continue and live on in and through others- your children most especially.

I am praying for you. :
post #44 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PreggieUBA2C View Post
Mammal mama, I just saw this today and read through. We ended contact with my parents when ds1 was 11months old after an incident that was too close to the abuse I endured as a child.
I'm so sorry for what you went through!

Quote:
We have also been treated like we're melodramatic, but if you've experienced the manipulative and hostile sort of child-parent relationship that we have, you'll know that we probably waited too long to do something about it.
Yes, I understand exactly! I feel like I waited too long, too.

Quote:
I just love my husband and children too much to let them experience what has taken me years to rip apart and try to put in order.
Yes, that's exactly how I feel. I'm 44 and still trying to work through all this. I'd like to spare my children that -- maybe then they'll have more energy for living life!

Quote:
I can easily empathise with you and the decision you've had to make. I know it's not easy, but in the end, it's not honouring either you or your mum to knowingly allow an unhealthy relationship to both continue and live on in and through others- your children most especially.
Very true!

Quote:
I am praying for you. :
Thank you so much! And thanks to everyone else who is praying! Another big
post #45 of 95
Oh man, that's such a shame. I'm sorry that someone in your family would do that to you.
post #46 of 95
Thread Starter 
Update: I saw our homeschooling group-leader today, and she said she did get the call from the social worker, but had been so busy she hadn't had a chance to call and let me know yet.

It sounds like it went well, maybe -- but I'm a little puzzled. The leader said the social worker asked if I'd talked with her, and she said, "Yes, she told me you weren't familiar with homeschooling ... well, this is what the state of Missouri requires, so this is what we do ..." and the worker said, "Well, I'm mainly just concerned about safety" and the leader told her I was a very loving mother, and that was about it.

The bolded part is what freaks me out: Since when she knocked on my door she said they'd already cleared up the injury-concern (presumably by talking with the hospital where the girls' fractures were treated) -- and then on her assessment she checked the box that said our home was safe -- for her to tell my group-leader that was her main concern, that seems kinda fishy -- but maybe I'm just overreacting.

So here I'd been thinking the safety-issue was already resolved, and the more days that passed without me hearing from the school board or prosecuting-attorney, the more assured I felt that it was over. And since I'd trusted my hunch about this social worker being trustworthy -- it's rather disconcerting to find out she wasn't completely honest from the get-go.

So now I just don't know .. More waiting ...
post #47 of 95
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
Update: I saw our homeschooling group-leader today, and she said she did get the call from the social worker, but had been so busy she hadn't had a chance to call and let me know yet.

It sounds like it went well, maybe -- but I'm a little puzzled. The leader said the social worker asked if I'd talked with her, and she said, "Yes, she told me you weren't familiar with homeschooling ... well, this is what the state of Missouri requires, so this is what we do ..." and the worker said, "Well, I'm mainly just concerned about safety" and the leader told her I was a very loving mother, and that was about it.

The bolded part is what freaks me out: Since when she knocked on my door she said they'd already cleared up the injury-concern (presumably by talking with the hospital where the girls' fractures were treated) -- and then on her assessment she checked the box that said our home was safe -- for her to tell my group-leader that was her main concern, that seems kinda fishy -- but maybe I'm just overreacting.

So here I'd been thinking the safety-issue was already resolved, and the more days that passed without me hearing from the school board or prosecuting-attorney, the more assured I felt that it was over. And since I'd trusted my hunch about this social worker being trustworthy -- it's rather disconcerting to find out she wasn't completely honest from the get-go.

So now I just don't know .. More waiting ...
Maybe the social worker was just trying to make sure she got the assurance she needed from your homeschool group-leader, so she could check all the boxes and close the file?

Hope you get some info that you're in the clear, ASAP!

ZM
post #48 of 95
That's what I'm thinkign too. IMO, she meant that she's not really concerned with the laws of homeschooling as much as knowing that your children are being taken care of (socialization, etc.) I think she just was looking for proof that you actually are an active homeschooler, not just an abuser hiding behind a homeschool veil.
post #49 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by zeldamomma View Post
Maybe the social worker was just trying to make sure she got the assurance she needed from your homeschool group-leader, so she could check all the boxes and close the file?

Hope you get some info that you're in the clear, ASAP!

ZM
Thanks!
post #50 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
That's what I'm thinkign too. IMO, she meant that she's not really concerned with the laws of homeschooling as much as knowing that your children are being taken care of (socialization, etc.) I think she just was looking for proof that you actually are an active homeschooler, not just an abuser hiding behind a homeschool veil.
I hope that's all it was!
post #51 of 95
post #52 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by caspian's mama View Post
Thank you!
post #53 of 95
No one needs this kind of stress. Regular life is bad enough!
post #54 of 95
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
Update: It sounds like it went well, maybe -- but I'm a little puzzled. The leader said the social worker asked if I'd talked with her, and she said, "Yes, she told me you weren't familiar with homeschooling ... well, this is what the state of Missouri requires, so this is what we do ..." and the worker said, "Well, I'm mainly just concerned about safety" and the leader told her I was a very loving mother, and that was about it.
this is how i read this.... she really isn't concerned with the homeschooling part, esp. since it doesn't fall under her expertise. she is saying, "my concern, as a CSP person is to make sure that children are safe." period.

i wouldn't give it another moment's attention. consider it done unless you hear otherwise. so often when we haven't been respected as children we second guess ourselves. your children are safe, you are a good parent and if the worker does contact you again and give you a hard time, you can mention your parents vindictiveness in a very mild way. try not to live in fear, it only attracts more of the same.
post #55 of 95
Thread Starter 
Right. My main concern is if she doesn't see homeschooling as her area of expertise, mightn't she decide she needs to pass the "educational neglect" part of the report the caller made, on to the school board who is then supposed to immediately send it to the prosecuting attorney?

Since she's asked so little about my daughter's education, I'm not sure if that means it's not really a concern -- or if it really means she's just clearing up the safety-concern, so she can close that up and let others pick up the ball from there.

Which means I can't feel assured that it's all over when I get my "case-closed" letter. Now I'm wondering how quickly the school-board or prosecuting-attorney notifies people when they've been reported for educational neglect -- mainly because I'd like some kind of timeline so I can assure myself that "After X-amount of time has passed, we can feel reasonably sure that the school board was never contacted and it really is over."

But I have no idea if something like this might get "sat on" for a month, many months, or longer ...

But, , you're absolutely right that there's no point getting all worked up over what "might" happen.

Thanks again, all!
post #56 of 95
no point getting worked up but, instead of spinning your wheels, you can take this time to make sure your ed records for the kids are in order and have dotted Is and crossed Ts. maybe you won't hear anything in a month- maybe not in 6- but when you do you'll have researched the laws backwards and forwards so it won't matter anyway.


post #57 of 95
Thread Starter 
True!
post #58 of 95
So sorry that happened -- how scary and upsetting! I'm really glad to hear that it went smoothly and was resolved quickly and easily. I don't think I'd be too concerned with the comment to the group leader -- well, I would be concerned, I'd freak out, actually - but as an objective non-involved person here I'm saying it sounds like a formality and that I think that you and your children are safe.

Breaking ties with family can be heartbreaking, but also healing and cathartic. I'm sorry you are pushed into that.
post #59 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Collinsky View Post
Breaking ties with family can be heartbreaking, but also healing and cathartic. I'm sorry you are pushed into that.
Thanks! I know you're right about the healing. But I think i"m still kind of stunned right now.
post #60 of 95
I don't think it would be bad at all to check in with the caseworker when you get your case-closed letter. You could call her up and say, "I got this letter and I just want to make sure it's all over. Is there anything else I should be expecting to hear about?"

Then maybe she'd tell you if she sent your case on to the school board...
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