or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Education › Learning at Home and Beyond › Unschooling › We've been hotlined!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

We've been hotlined! - Page 5

post #81 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by caspian's mama View Post
mammal mama, did you ever read the toxic book?
Thanks for reminding me! We haven't been to the library in a while (we tend to check out a ton of books and just keep renewing them for as long as we can) -- but I need to see if we can find it at one of our local libraries, and maybe check it out this weekend.
post #82 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeybeedreams View Post
it's really rather sad, and of course, she seems the sweetest, mildest person you ever met, but since she doesn't express her anger in any way, shape or form, it comes out in these twisted, bizarre and destructive ways.

maybe your mom is like that too.... sweet on the surface, but seething inside. people like that are just so toxic.
Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head here! I'm so sorry about what you've been through with your friend!
post #83 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by honeybeedreams View Post
in any case, you did the right thing and her not calling you just confirms it.
Yes, I agree. I'd be so devastated if one of my children ever broke contact with me, relationship is everything to me -- but I'm realizing that control is everything to my mom, and if she can't have control, she sees no point in relationship.
post #84 of 95
mammal_mama, I just wanted to offer my support in your decision to break contact with your mom. DH broke contact with his mom after she did and said some very vindictive, hurtful, dishonest things to/about us. It took her several years to face the truth of her actions, but she eventually called him, apologizing and humble. They've been working on their relationship and she truly seems like a different person.

I did the same thing with my dad when I was a teenager. (He was actually being hurtful to my mom - they were divorced and he refused to see how he was hurting me.) Time changes people. Especially time without the other person. Forces you to think about it and see your mistakes.

I don't know what causes people to act that way. Maybe a bit of pride that we do things differently than "they taught us"? Maybe not wanting to let go of control of their kids. I don't know. I just wanted to say, things can get better. Maybe in time she will see things differently. Everyone is capable of change. But in the meantime, you're doing the right thing for your family.
post #85 of 95
Thread Starter 
Thanks, Tara! I'm sorry that you and your dh have been through similar stuff with family members.

Yes, I feel good about my decision. Even though it is very sad, I feel assurance that it's really the only decision I can make, based on the way my mom has decided to perceive me, talk about me, and behave toward me.

It will be great if she reaches a place of genuine repentance, and truly desires a relationship with us! She's about to turn 84 -- but who knows, she could still live and stay in possession of her mental faculties for many, many years. Either way, I seriously know it's out of my hands. It's just up to her.
post #86 of 95
Thread Starter 
Update: I impulively called my mom today to wish her a Merry Christmas, and found out in the course of the conversation that it was my sister who reported us to Children's Services and my mom "doesn't blame" her. While the call leaves me feeling a little shaken, overall it gives me peace, because I won't lie awake anymore wondering about the minuscule possibility that I'm falsely accusing my relatives ...

And now that I know my mom agrees with what my sister did, I won't feel so sad for her anymore, thinking she's just a naive lady who talks too much and has no idea the damage her words can do. If you're interested in reading more about the call, I wrote about it here (you have to go to the last page of the thread to see my update) --

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1015701
Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for listening!
post #87 of 95
I saw you thread elsewhere about feeling bad about having no contact at the holidays. I hope you've found some peace now.
post #88 of 95
thanks for the update
post #89 of 95
I can relate! My children 9 7 and 3 (all boys) -we unschool and my MIL called on us in February of this year! We have not contacted her for 2 years prior to this but she knows that I am homeschool/unschooling and of course doesent approve (like I need her approval) so she called CPS on me. I came home from the store one day and there was a card on my door to call the investigator. I called and they set up a time to come out. The lady was very nice and asked me do I homeschool? and,Are my kids up to date on vaccinations? I told her yes they are homeschooled and she said "that is you chioce and there is nothing wrong with that" I aslo told her that they are up to date on vaccinations (not!) then she sat my boys down in the living room (remember she is a stranger to my kids) and asked them "how much school work do you do in a day?" and "do you like homeschooling?". She wanted me to leave the room while she asked them the questions but I explained that they do not know who she is and are not comfortable with her and that I would like to remain in the room durring questioning. She didnt push the issue. Everything went good ,she left and it was unfounded!

Still it is a horrible experience and because of my mother in law im sure they will be back one day!
post #90 of 95
Thread Starter 
vegmama3 -- and I'm glad everything went well! I'm amazed that your mil was able to get them to come out, considering that you guys hadn't had any contact with her for 2 years prior. Maybe I've had a false sense of security, thinking that it's not so likely to happen again since we've broken all contact with my relatives.

We know it was my sister who actually made the call, but my mom expressed that she was supportive of my sister when I called her on Christmas Day (the last time I talked to her, and the last time I ever plan on talking to her). And this whole hotline-thing seems to have been an offshoot of numerous conversations between my mom, my sister, and my mom's brothers and sister and their kids (all of whom my sister is much closer to than me, because she spent a lot of time being cared for on the family farm due to my mom raising her as a single mom; my sister's 19 years older than me).

So, anyhow, my husband and I decided our best course of action was to just break contact with the whole bunch of them. I'd initially called the one aunt and uncle who don't seem to get as wrapped up in all the gossip, and they have my number now and I think they'd call me if my (84yo) mom's health took a turn for the worse or something ... however, I decided not to make any real effort to keep in touch with them, either, because my aunt did question me about whether we were using a "progressive" curriculum with our oldest, so we could make sure she didn't fall behind her age group.

And I was just vague and said we found all kinds of math and reading programs on the internet.

Anyhow, I was under the impression that CPS would only take a call seriously, if the caller was reporting actual observations. Meaning, if we had mutual friends who were still in touch with both of us (we don't), my mom or sister could take something observed by the mutual acquaintance, and call about that. But I was thinking that since they're so unlikely to hear any new information about our kids, in order to call they'd literally have to fabricate stuff.

Which my sister may very well be capable of doing, I don't know -- but of course that's something I have no control of. But what is your understanding -- can they just call and say, "I'm concerned because she broke all contact with us so we want you to go check on them" -- and would CPS actually make a visit for a call like that? Don't they actually have to have something new to report?
post #91 of 95
Well where I live they come out for ANYTHING! 7 years ago my stepsons mom called in a report and said that his shoes were too big and he tripped when he walked and they came to his school with a police officer and pulled him out of class (he was in K) to check his shoes! For real! (my stepson has lived with us for 9 years) They closed out the report with no problems but I was shocked to see that they would act on a report like that.

After the incident where my MIL called on us a few months ago I received a phone call from my local school board telling me they needed the information on my kids private school (phone number/email/address) to verify the legitimacy of the school! A few days later I received an email from our private school telling me they had been contacted and confirmed our enrollment!
post #92 of 95
Thread Starter 
Wow! Well, I guess I won't let myself feel overly-secure, but at the same time will try to not overly-worry.
post #93 of 95
[QUOTE=mammal_mama;13582124]
Anyhow, I was under the impression that CPS would only take a call seriously, if the caller was reporting actual observations. Meaning, if we had mutual friends who were still in touch with both of us (we don't), my mom or sister could take something observed by the mutual acquaintance, and call about that. But I was thinking that since they're so unlikely to hear any new information about our kids, in order to call they'd literally have to fabricate stuff. /QUOTE]

yeah, that call would not have been accepted in a lot of states, but i have heard FL is pretty harsh as far as CPS goes.
post #94 of 95
I just saw this thread for the first time.

I cannot imagine family doing something like this, especially when it's pretty obvious that you put so much time and effort and care into your kids' learning.
post #95 of 95
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Materfamilias View Post
I just saw this thread for the first time.

I cannot imagine family doing something like this, especially when it's pretty obvious that you put so much time and effort and care into your kids' learning.
Thanks! I think my sister's hostility had been building, especially since a few months before the call, she had wanted my mom to pay her to put together curriculum for my older dd. My mom said she would only do it if I was willing to follow it.

And I thanked my sister, but explained that we have internet access too, and can easily look up stuff ourselves (she was basically printing different stuff out that she'd found on different sites, and organizing it around themes). I explained that the activities looked fun -- but dd often has her own ideas of what she wants to do each day, so while she might very well choose to do some of the stuff, I just couldn't promise that we'd make it worth my sister's while (and my mom's money) by following the whole curriculum.

I think she was p!ssed that I prevented her from making some additional income -- and also that she and my mom were both offended by the fact that I'd leave it up to dd to decide what she wanted to do.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Unschooling
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Education › Learning at Home and Beyond › Unschooling › We've been hotlined!