I don't know what's up with me

[Surfacing]

Just needing a little support. Sorry I haven't been around this board much, I've been very busy with my 8 mo. old and my 3.5 y.o.

I've been on Prozac for about 14 mos. now (since I was 4 mos. PG with dd2) and it's been pretty good--sometimes it's been GREAT! I've had some flare ups of anxiety, but now it seems a flare up of depression or something. I don't know what's up with me. It's so weird.

First of all, I've gained about 20 lbs since dd2 was born in January. : That means I am now a total of 50 lbs over my BMI recommended amount. I danced for 25 yrs before having children and had a decent body.....can't believe how big and heavy I am now. I hate it. But I have no time or energy to exercise. It's like I've lost motivation. I don't know. I wonder if the weight gain is from the meds? I also look in the mirror and feel SO UGLY and FAT and DISGUSTING. I feel repulsed by my appearance. I feel unattractive, detestable, and unlovable. I am even thinking about doing things like making myself barf after eating (uhh bulimia?). I've never done this before and intellectually KNOW that it's not a good idea. Still.... I have old tapes playing in my head about this (hearing my heavy sister being chided about her weight throughout her life). I don't know, I just feel like I hate myself right now.

My dh and I are in counseling right now. It's hard. Sometimes I get so confused about who I am and how I am limited being in this marriage. It's so weird. I don't know what to think. There are tons of wonderful things in our marriage, and I really do love dh, I want to be together with him. But somehow I feel like I could be accomplishing so much more if I weren't married and with children. Does that sound weird/bad? I feel so guilty for thinking that. But I feel sad that I resent the ways I feel held back intellectually and professionally. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just settle for what I have?

I'm sorry, this is all jumbled up and weird. I'm just venting these thoughts.

The truth of the matter is, even if I was single and without children, I know I'd have something to complain about then too! That's just me.

Thanks for listening. I'm just feeling so down. I think I need to get off my butt and exercise, but it's so hard with dd2 still nursing to sleep..... my time is not my own.... Tell me this will pass, wouldya?

ETA - I've even started smoking again sometimes. Tsk tsk it's so unlike me. Terrible. I think I should call my counselor.

[mom0810]

Please do call your counselor.

I just wanted to offer support. I, too, gained weight on an ssri. The good news is, it started to FLY off once I was done taking it. At 8 months PP, you might be ready to start lowering your dose. Prozac USUALLY does not cause weight gain, but you never know. The good news is, prozac is the easiest one to wean off of.

I don't know about the depression creeping back in, but I wonder if your child is getting teeth? When ds2 starting teething and nursing All. Night. Long. I started to get really down. Your sleep affects your weight and your mood, too.

I would talk to your therapist and see what kinds of things you can come up with. Sometimes a 3rd party can see things or offer things you would not have come up with on your own.

[Surfacing]

Yes, dd2 is teething......she's waking up a lot and sitting up, crawling, standing, crying. I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off to keep my older dd occupied, keep up with the cleaning and cooking.....and I'm just talking BASICS here, my house still looks like a disaster area. I'm feeling bored at home with the kids at times and wish I could have some more grown up stimulation. I feel frustrated and trapped. OTOH I do feel happy and love my children. Gads, so many mixed up emotions.

Why do some SSRI's cause weight gain?

[mom0810]

Nobody knows why. In fact, my pharmacist was telling me that they are currently doing a trial or study to find out why and to develop one that doesn't.

It's just kind of a known fact about them but I am not sure we know why. Some pdocs, including mine, will even deny that it's true. But it is very true.

[Surfacing]

Yes, strange. Anyhow, thanks for your support. I am feeling a little bit better now, like the cloud is lifting. Dh and I are making some time together, and I am getting some time to myself to get some things done. At times I feel powerless and frustrated when I can't get things done due to the constant demands of the day.

Thanks again!

[goodygumdrops]

I'm so glad to see your feeling better. I think one of the biggest challenges of being a mother is making time to decompress. I hope you have a nice time with your hubby...:

[Surfacing]

Thanks.

Actually I've just woken up now at midnight after a couple of hours of sleep and I feel like cr@p. Ringing in my ears, bloodshot eyes, tingly arms, blah blah blah. Feeling paranoid and anxious. Just having a rough time of it. It will pass.

So Prozac is the easiest to wean off of........but still there should be some withdrawal symptoms with it, no?

I don't know when I'll be weaning. The truth is I have seasonal or cyclical depression and bad PMS. So the Prozac helps with that too obviously. I might be on something for the rest of my life, yk?