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What does your own mother and/or mother in law think of being a SAHM? - Page 2

post #21 of 134
my mom is really wierded out by the whole thing, but my MIL thinks i sh!t gold and can do no wrong so i get a lot of support from her!
neither of them stayed at home when raising us but i think the difference is that my mom wanted to work while my MIL really had no choice.
but luckily neither me or dh went to daycare, we both got lots of grandma time!

i think my mom will come around as time goes on, the baby isnt even on the outside yet, (i'm 8months, but was a SAHW before getting pregnant, that was WAY more of an issue to my mom than being a SAHM)
so as time goes on we'll see if she gets to be more supportive.
post #22 of 134
I'd say my mother in law and mama are supportive to nuetral. It's not spoken about a lot actually, so I don't think they would unsupportive if I went to work either. I think I'm lucky in the respect that my mil and mom know to support my choices on motherhood rather than forcing their own opinions, but at the same time we also do actually agree on most aspects. My mother tried to nurse but had no real support at the time, so she respects my wanting to nurse, and she cloth diapered me so she's my mentor in that area. My mother in law had similar experiences to my mom. I think? that breastfeeding was more of a taboo subject when they had children but now they are both supporters.

I haven't told them about wanting to either homeschool or put her in alternative schooling, so maybe they'll balk at that but I don't think so because neither is very happy about how public school seems to be fairing recently. Other than that, I don't think they understand all of my "crunchy" views, but they don't find them objectionable either.
post #23 of 134
Both are very supportive here.

My mom would have loved to stay home, but had to work out of financial necessity. I was lucky that my grandparents were able to care for me every day until I started school (next best thing to having a SAHP, imo).

My MIL, as far as I know, has never worked outside the home. She has sold Tupperware, babysat, and bred dogs, but was always at home. My BIL (the baby in the family) is 29, married with a family of his own, and my MIL is still at home. She keeps herself very busy.
post #24 of 134
My mom's been harassing me to go back. My father was a diplomat and we traveled all over the world and she had to quit her job to raise us and remain with her husband. I can tell she regrets it to this day. She will tell me things like, "A man doesn't respect you when you're not working." And there is nothing I can say or do to convince her that it meant so much to me that she was a SAHM. I tell her that I am doing this for my daughter, and the reply will be, "You'll regret it when she's a teenager and has some nasty things to say to you." I feel like she's bitter about her past and wants to correct it through me, by living vicariously through me. My MIL thinks that I am a looser since all my SIL's are working with a lot more kids than I. I just have one. But coming home and cooking and cleaning isn't exactly raising children. It's more than that.
post #25 of 134
My mom was a sahm, and did not enjoy it. She has told me ever since I was a child, NOT to be a sahm. Well, guess what, I AM a sahm. She is not happy about it, and in the past five yrs has taken any opportunity to making all sorts of digs and comments putting down sah and trying to convince me to return to work. My relationship with my mom has gotten worse since I've become a mom, it seems that she is unsupportive about ALL of my parenting decisions, it has been very disappointing that she is so judgemental.

My mil, is more traditional in her thinking and I think she is glad that I am a sahm. She wants me to take care of my kids, the house and my DH. It's not as much about my happiness, but basically she believes that the mom needs to take care of her family, so she is satisfied that I am fulfilling this role.
post #26 of 134
my mom was a sahm, she is way supportive. my mil is supportive, but she worked outside of home pretty early on with all her boys (and breastfed each for several years) and i detect that she judges me for not working some. esp. since we are living on a modest income.
post #27 of 134
I think my MIL thinks I'm lazy. She acts supportive to my face, but she kind of gives off this vibe. Add that in with comments I've heard other members of her family make about me when they thought I wasn't listening and I'm pretty sure she thinks I should be working. Oh well. None of her business.

My own mom isn't in my life.
post #28 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Erin* View Post
my mil is supportive, but she worked outside of home pretty early on with all her boys (and breastfed each for several years).
Wow, I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk of a mother or MIL (woman of one generation ago) who breastfed for several years and worked.

I just wanted to say that really is an accomplishment, especially if she did that when there wasn't much public support for bfing.
post #29 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DiasMumma View Post
She will tell me things like, "A man doesn't respect you when you're not working.".
Hmmm...

I think it really depends on the man.

I don't think my DH respects SAHMs as much as working women.

But then I know at least two husbands who do not want their wives to work. It's not that they support they decision or choice to do either. It's more that they want a traditional marriage where a wife prepares dinner by 5:00.

So, there are all kinds of men out there, including men who are supportive of the woman's choice, whatever it is.
post #30 of 134
Both my mom and mil were SAHM's while children were young. MIL worked part time but had lots of family to care for her kids. Once the kids went to school, they both WOH FT. My mom supports me SAHMing short term, then part time work. She knows how rough nursing school was, she went through it after I did. She does not want to see me permanently give that up. She thinks I should work part time once the baby is less dependent on me (nurses less frequently/eats more solids) That is my plan, too, so no conflicts there. MIL does not state her opinion, but does make comments like we should buy a new house in the burbs on a cul de sac area, and fly to florida next month instead of drive (we live in pa), and buy a new mini-van. Then looks at me like she is confused when we say we cant afford that stuff. I dont know if she is taking a slam at me b/c I am currently not working or what. She always had free child care and does not seem to get that right now if I work, we either have to 1. pay for childcare, 2. me work night shift but then go 48-60 hours without me sleeping and dh getting poor sleep as baby nurses every 1-2 hours at night AND the 3 y/o still wakes at night, or 3. work weekends and have zero family time.

DH is supportive of me SAHMing for now, when the kids are ultra needy as he would have a difficult time doing overnights and bed time alone, and does not want me getting sick from being chronically exhausted. He is very anti-daycare so that is out. He wants me working part time in the near future.
post #31 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
Both my mom and mil were SAHM's while children were young. MIL worked part time but had lots of family to care for her kids. Once the kids went to school, they both WOH FT. My mom supports me SAHMing short term, then part time work. She knows how rough nursing school was, she went through it after I did. She does not want to see me permanently give that up. She thinks I should work part time once the baby is less dependent on me (nurses less frequently/eats more solids) That is my plan, too, so no conflicts there. MIL does not state her opinion, but does make comments like we should buy a new house in the burbs on a cul de sac area, and fly to florida next month instead of drive (we live in pa), and buy a new mini-van. Then looks at me like she is confused when we say we cant afford that stuff. I dont know if she is taking a slam at me b/c I am currently not working or what. She always had free child care and does not seem to get that right now if I work, we either have to 1. pay for childcare, 2. me work night shift but then go 48-60 hours without me sleeping and dh getting poor sleep as baby nurses every 1-2 hours at night AND the 3 y/o still wakes at night, or 3. work weekends and have zero family time.

DH is supportive of me SAHMing for now, when the kids are ultra needy as he would have a difficult time doing overnights and bed time alone, and does not want me getting sick from being chronically exhausted. He is very anti-daycare so that is out. He wants me working part time in the near future.



I know what you mean by those looks. I get looks from people like that if I say we can't afford something. But, you know what? I also get looks if I say we can afford something.

I never noticed any looks when I worked. Now that I am a SAHM, if I say we can't afford something, people have said, on occasion, maybe you should go back to work. And when I've said we can afford something, people have, on occasion, said, must be nice to have a husband who makes good money!

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Really, the comments aren't that often, just every once in a long while.

I just have stopped talking finances with those people. They obviously have their own issues and sometimes SAHMs get unfairly dumped on.
post #32 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GooeyRN View Post
DH is supportive of me SAHMing for now, when the kids are ultra needy as he would have a difficult time doing overnights and bed time alone, and does not want me getting sick from being chronically exhausted. He is very anti-daycare so that is out. He wants me working part time in the near future.
I read your post and I was thinking, I bet if I worked night hours and DH had to take care of our child, he would be more supportive of me not working.



I know that DH only considers the option of me working when he works...basically the 9 to 5 shift, with DC in day care.

If I worked evenings, weekends, or nights and DH was in charge of all childcare while I worked, he'd probably sing a different tune. Not right away, but eventually.

I should try that!
post #33 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post


I know what you mean by those looks. I get looks from people like that if I say we can't afford something. But, you know what? I also get looks if I say we can afford something.

I never noticed any looks when I worked. Now that I am a SAHM, if I say we can't afford something, people have said, on occasion, maybe you should go back to work. And when I've said we can afford something, people have, on occasion, said, must be nice to have a husband who makes good money!

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Really, the comments aren't that often, just every once in a long while.
.
The comments that you described drive me mad sometimes. I hate that. "It must be nice to have a wealthy husband to take care of you." Um, he isn't wealthy. Look down at my shoes. You can see how much money a family has by looking at their shoes. Heaven forbid you buy something that someone else does not have. "Should you really be buying X when you don't have much money and aren't working?" :

Our bills are paid. We can have some nice things in life, but not many. That is our choice right now. Yes, we can have more money but our quality of family life would suffer and we would all be tired and cranky. This is what we choose right now. MYOB and Have a nice day. is what I feel like saying sometimes.
post #34 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I read your post and I was thinking, I bet if I worked night hours and DH had to take care of our child, he would be more supportive of me not working.



I know that DH only considers the option of me working when he works...basically the 9 to 5 shift, with DC in day care.

If I worked evenings, weekends, or nights and DH was in charge of all childcare while I worked, he'd probably sing a different tune. Not right away, but eventually.

I should try that!
The tune quickly changes for a lot of dads if they are going to be responsible for the kids and house while the wife is at work.
post #35 of 134
Mother - my mom was not a SAHM and took great pride in her work. She would have hated to be a SAHM. People don't always understand that the choice they make isn't necessarily right for everyone, and I'd put my mom in that category, though she's gotten used to it.

My mother-in-law thinks women should stay at home until their kids are in school and then they should work. So she respects it to a point. But even if I'd make minimum wage and would have to pay for child care before and after school and during the summer, she'd think I should work. And that I should do every bit of work around the house on top of that.
post #36 of 134
My mom was a SAHM for 10 years--when the youngest started school. She loved it and wouldn't understand at all if I had chosen to work. (Although she is very supportive of my sister who has to work.)

MIL stayed home for 3 years after her youngest was born, so this is one (and probably the only ) parenting decision that she doesn't think I'm nuts for.
post #37 of 134
My mother is mostly supportive. She feels like I should do some kind of WAH thing for now because she's very big on women having their own money in a marriage "just in case"-which always seems kind of odd to me since she and my Dad celebrated their 35th anniversary in July, but I understand where she's coming from on that. But at the same time she also believes that it's important for children to have a parent around when they're young. She was home with us (doing work from home stuff) when I was a kid until my younger brother was in the third grade-then she went back to work part time, and was home from work before he got home from school. She went back closer to full time when I was a little older-when I got home from school before my brother did, and we were on our own for an hour or two in afternoon for a few days during the week, but she was still home in time to do things like drive the Hebrew School carpool.

My mother in law doesn't really say anything. She worked when her children were little-she was a teacher in the public school system, but her daughter is a crunchy, stay at home, homeschooling Mom and so I don't get much resistance for the way we do things here.

I've said before, and I mean it-I don't need my mother's approval for my parenting choices, but I do appreciate it. It makes things that much easier in the confidence department.
post #38 of 134
My MIL seemed fine with my being a SAHM until her daughter had a baby and chose not to be a SAHM. My MIL has never said anything derogatory about my choice, but regales me with stories of her daughter's brilliant career.

My MIL was a SAHM for many years with her four children, so her behavior puzzles me somewhat. Blood is thicker than common experience, I guess.
post #39 of 134
My dh is not American. In fact, in his country, there (quite literally) are NO day care centers. Strangers do not take care of people's children. There are women who work, but they have family support who takes care of the kids. Men *never* stay at home. The roles are as traditional as they are long-standing. My husband is from the Middle East. So, the thought of me working and putting my child in day care wouldn't just be odd... it would not even cross their minds. It's so far outside of their radar that I don't think they would even know how to form an opinion of it. My dh is very progressive, though. He would support me 100% if I went back to work. If circumstances dictated, he would be the sah parent.

My family couldn't care less. I had a successful career for 15 years. I'm older. Dh is older. I suppose my family wonders why I gave up such a lucrative job, but they understand that since we had time to have one child, and only one child, that our lives would be very focused on parenthood. Dd is 6 yo... I'll probably never go back to work full-time and even if I did, since my job was as a computer programmer, I'd be too old for it anyway. That's a job for young jocks.
post #40 of 134
When my mother in law was alive, she was very supportive and felt it was the right thing to do.

My mother feels the same way - they both feel it is where a mother belongs.

In fact it seems the whole family feels very supportive of moms who stay home!
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