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What does your own mother and/or mother in law think of being a SAHM? - Page 3

post #41 of 134
Both are supportive. My father actually had the "you just don't want to work" attitude until he came and stayed a week with us--that shut his big mouth! But everyone else on both sides thinks it's best for our children. My dad thought/thinks that too--he just also thought being a mom was a cakewalk.

Really, though, we live a 3 hr plane ride away from all relatives, so if they weren't supportive I don't think it'd really affect us.
post #42 of 134
They're both very supportive, generally.

I actually WAH, and sometimes feel overwhelmed by caring for 2 kids and trying to find time to get my work done without feeling like I'm neglecting them.

My mom is very understanding of this, and knows that when I vent about feeling overwhelmed I'm not saying that I wish I was somewhere besides home with my kids, I'm just saying that it's hard sometimes.

My MIL for some reason doesn't want me to voice *any* negative feelings whatsoever -- if I'm having a rough day, I'm not allowed to say anything about it to her or she'll say, "But aren't you so glad that you're home with them?" Like, because I'm thankful to be in a situation where I get to be home with my kids, I'm supposed to be ecstatic about it all the time and never feel like anything is hard. It's frustrating, but I guess it'd be worse if she launched into a "Then you should work outside the home" speech every time I brought it up. The sad thing is that all her reaction has done is make me shut off that part of myself when I'm around her, which stifles closeness, IMO.
post #43 of 134
My mom is supportive. She was a SAHM until I was about 8 (actually, she ran her own business from the home, but, basically, a SAHM).

My MIL is neutral. She hates me, but was a SAHM herself, so, she can't say much about it.

My gram is also supportive. She was a single WOHM by default in the 50s (her husband left her right around the time my mom was born...actually, to be honest, my gram smashed him with a cast iron frying pan after he hit her, dropped him off at the hospital, and never saw him again). I think she appreciates the fact that I have a choice.
post #44 of 134
Not sure about MIL, but my mom was a SAHM until she started going to school when I was a preteen, so I don't suppose she has a problem with it.
She does get on to me occasionally about doing school online or something, but I don't see a point in it right now, I'm young and there's plenty of time for that later if I feel the need.
I think right now she's more concerned with my younger sister (just graduated high school) because she's taking a little time off before college and for some reason my mom is obsessed with the idea that at least one of her children attend college and none of us have thus far.
post #45 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post
I think she appreciates the fact that I have a choice.
That is really, really great. I love grandmas like that. That's the kind I'm going to be.
post #46 of 134
My mom was a SAHM for years before finishing school and going to work. So she's fine with it, at least with me. (Although she harangued one of my sisters into quitting school and getting a job, and then harangued her for having a job and putting her kid in preschool. Go figure.)

My MIL thinks it's nice, I think. She worked once the kids were out of preschool, but I don't know how into it she was.

My maternal grandmother still thinks it's ridiculous to send women to college, so... I don't know if you can consider it "support" when it's really "default setting."
post #47 of 134
I'm lucky. Both my mom and MIL were SAHMs and loved being home with their kids and saw/see the obvious value in it. They are happy my dh and I can pull it off.
post #48 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by grumpybear View Post
My IL's come from an era where women's lib was just starting I guess and a working woman was afforded a lot of respect.
: With my paternal grandmother, this is definitely the case. She had an oops pregnancy right before she was to head off to college, and had to marry my grandpa. I don't think they've been happily married, and she sees it as not only liberating but also necessary for a woman to hold a degree and work at all times. While I agree to a certain extent, I feel so heartbroken that she has had to keep her guard up all her life.

As for my mom, she also went through an abusive marriage and feels that a woman should work - in some capacity - at all times. We tend to disagree. I went on an interview for an office job this past spring and she slipped up and said, "This is EXACTLY what you need." I actually felt I was letting her down when I declined.

As for my MIL, she hasn't held a job in 3 years. She doesn't even bring the word up at our home anymore....she's too busy mooching off her poor brother.
post #49 of 134
My mom would have been glad that I have the choice; that I didn't make the awful husband choice she did thereby requiring that she work (rather than allowing it to be a choice for her).

My stepmom doesn't like it.

My MIL thinks I'm lazy and should work, even though SHE was a SAHM (except for a year or two while her husband got his later in life degree in Nuclear Engineering at A&M). Also gets on my case about cleaning, even though she has *always* had a cleaning lady.
post #50 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bens_mommy_2005 View Post
: With my paternal grandmother, this is definitely the case.

and she sees it as not only liberating but also necessary for a woman to hold a degree and work at all times.
I agree with your grandmother. I think having a degree and work experience is liberating. I don't know if it's necessary, but it's certainly advisable, in my opinion, and makes things easier IF you need to support your family yourself.

It just opens up my options and provides a better safety net, I think.

I don't think women (and men) need to work at all times, but job experience certainly helps when you need to get a job ASAP, and working certainly helps bring in an income.
post #51 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by milkybean View Post
My mom would have been glad that I have the choice; that I didn't make the awful husband choice she did thereby requiring that she work (rather than allowing it to be a choice for her).
I've learned that the choice we make at the onset of a marriage could end up looking like a different choice, as time wears on and people change.



Incomes aren't constant. Jobs aren't constant. Even a spouse's personality isn't always constant.

Someone else mentioned in another forum, or posted a link to an article, about how the ultimate feminist choice was choosing a good mate who could support you (either in the emotional or financial sense).

We can't always know how that person will change though, and that impacts our feelings on whether we made a wise choice marrying a certain person.
post #52 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I agree with your grandmother. I think having a degree and work experience is liberating. I don't know if it's necessary, but it's certainly advisable, in my opinion, and makes things easier IF you need to support your family yourself.

It just opens up my options and provides a better safety net, I think.

I don't think women (and men) need to work at all times, but job experience certainly helps when you need to get a job ASAP, and working certainly helps bring in an income.

Based on some of the threads I read on this board, I think that you are right. Even the nicest, kindest man can turn on his wife. A death can happen without warning. An illness can be financially devastating.

I don't think that it is "living in fear" to protect yourself. I think that it gives peace of mind.
post #53 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post
Based on some of the threads I read on this board, I think that you are right. Even the nicest, kindest man can turn on his wife. A death can happen without warning. An illness can be financially devastating.

I don't think that it is "living in fear" to protect yourself. I think that it gives peace of mind.
:

ITA.

Very, very true.
post #54 of 134
Both very supportive. My Mom was a SAHM through our entire lives. She did do a little work for the school nurse occasionally, but didn't work full-time until my brother (the youngest) was off to college. She was always home when we left for school and when we arrived home.

I think MIL worked for about a year before she met FIL. Then she stayed home to raise her 5 children. Even after they all left the house, she stayed at home. Even now, at age 78, she's still at home. FIL passed away 12 years ago, but even still she cooks, cleans and now cares for one of her granddaughters.
post #55 of 134
I come from a family of women who all had MRS.degrees.Dh comes from a family where the women all worked and still do.I've always had to work pt if we wanted any extras.

It's tough working a "job" when being a SAHM is already fulltime work.Sometimes I just feel worn out.
post #56 of 134
I have no idea what my MIL thinks about it (wouldn't care if I did know).

My FIL is crazy supportive. He's a very traditional older man from the Midwest.

My mom has always been supportive. She had to work all the time while we were growing up and I know she regrets it and is happy that I have different options.
post #57 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by SAHDS View Post

My FIL is crazy supportive. He's a very traditional older man from the Midwest.

.
We're friends with a couple who have a baby about six weeks younger than my daughter (who is five months old.) We were at their daughter's Christening recently and I was chatting with the baby's grandfather-who fits that description. He told me that I was doing divine work by staying home with my daughter, and that he thought his daughter in law was being selfish by choosing to go back to work because she would "go crazy staying home all the time."

I didn't know quite how to react to that.
post #58 of 134
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ErikaG View Post
We're friends with a couple who have a baby about six weeks younger than my daughter (who is five months old.) We were at their daughter's Christening recently and I was chatting with the baby's grandfather-who fits that description. He told me that I was doing divine work by staying home with my daughter, and that he thought his daughter in law was being selfish by choosing to go back to work because she would "go crazy staying home all the time."

I didn't know quite how to react to that.
People can be so polarized on this. It's not either or. It's not so black and white.

Women who work aren't selfish. And women who stay home aren't lazy. The stereotypes are so wrong.
post #59 of 134
They're both very supportive and subscribe to the belief that staying home for your kids first 5 years is crucial.
post #60 of 134
My mother in law hates my guts haha. No matter how hard I try to keep everyone happy she just dislikes me.

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