I'm so frustrated and could use some support

[GracesMama]

I so, so want to practice GD, but I feel like a failure lately. I just get so frustrated with 3 year old DD and before I know it I'm so angry that I'm yelling, making threats, bribing, etc. Last week, I was so mad at her I resorted to name calling. This week I was so mad I daydreamed about taking off with the baby and leaving her with her daddy, not for a few hours but forever. It's like something snaps inside me and I become this different person. I used to be so patient and gentle. What has happened to me?

Also, I used to love the idea of homeschooling, but now I'm thinking I may not be cut out for it, so I feel like more of a failure. There are days when I wish I had sent her to preschool this year. I feel like such a bad mom.

Anyhow, has anyone else felt this way? What can I do? What books can I read? Sometimes I wonder if I need counseling to deal with my anger. That really makes me feel like I'm a failure. Oh, and since I'm just laying it all out there, I'm already on antidepressants. I've been on them off and on my entire adult life and I got back on them shortly after my second baby was born. It seemed to help for awhile, but I'm back to having a short fuse.

[Twocoolboys]

Three is the single most difficult age I have experienced so far with my two oldest, who are 9 and 4. The first time around, it was hard, but I had an only then, so I could deal with it. The second time around, it was so much harder. The baby was born right in the middle of ds2's three-year-old year. It was so hard.

But, I can give you some encouragement because, at age 4, both boys got so much easier. I am so proud of my 4 year old now. He has really grown in the past couple of months. He's pleasant to be around again, funny and helpful. So, hang in there! It gets better.

In the meantime, I highly recommend Connection Parenting. It is my absolute favorite parenting book. Even when things were toughest with my then 3 year old, I tried (and usually succeeded) at getting some connection time every day (even if it was just a few minutes). I think that really helped us come out of that year with an intact relationship. I'm so thankful that even when I was the most frustrated with him, we still had this time together that was positive. I made myself put my frustrations on the shelf for that 15 minutes to half hour every day. And, for that time when I could focus on him, he was mostly ok, too. Of course, he would go right back to the frustrating behaviors afterwards! But, we made it and you can too!

[mamaduck]

Mama, in my humble opinion, it is a miracle that any of us survive age 3. It is a tough, tough, age. Its important to be gentle with yourself -- adjust your expectations -- not just of your dd, but of yourself too. ESPECIALLY with a baby. Oh my gosh, it is HARD to have a 3 years old and an infant at the same time. I REMEMBER!!! You are in a fragile state. You need to lavish yourself with gentleness. It is justified.

For the record, I think you can send your dd to preschool now and still plan to homeschool long term. I know plenty of people who have done that! You can look at preschool as a resource to help you right now, not as a lifetime commitment, you know?

If nothing else, try to arrange some regular playdates or time with a grandparent, or *something.* You need a break! I remember when my ds#2 was born, I had an ongoing arrangement with a neighbor to "trade" our preschool age kids so that we could each look forward to a break every other day. And the kids thrived with the arrangement. Call in favors, set up support, get whatever kind of help you can get. There really isn't going to be a tougher more demanding time than right now.

[forrestguy]

I agree that three is awful. Personally, I didn't find four that much better. Go ahead and send em to preschool. Both my kids went to preshool and we are homeschooling now. Homeschooling nine and six year old boys looks way different then staying home with a baby and a three year old. I remember how awful it was. I used to have really ugly thoughts about both my kids when they were three. And it's so confusing because just a year or so earlier they were these perfect little babies. It's not unnatural to have negative feelings or thoughts about your kids, it makes you human. I've also said some pretty bad things. They bounce back. Just say you're sorry and move on. It will get better.

[LaLaLaLa]

I don't know anyone who is perfect or who doesn't have bad days with their kids. Mine are 4 (DD) and 2 1/2 (DS), and spend a lot of their time seriously testing me. It's hard to believe that kids who are so tiny can so effectively push my buttons.

I know that if I am pushed too hard, I will say or do things I regret. So I try really hard not to let myself get pushed to that point.

When I start to get irritated, I TELL my kids. They (DD, at least) understand my irritation is not a good thing in their lives, as an irritated Mommy doesn't want to take fun trips to the park or the children's museum. Sometimes they adjust their behavior accordingly. If not, I then DO things that show my irritation. Most often I put the kids in the car and go through the coffee shop drive-through. I play my music (not theirs, as I usually do while driving), and turn up the volume if they are screaming. They never scream for long; they get the point in moments and after fifteen or so minutes in the car they are calm, I have my coffee and my music and my quiet kids so I am calm and ready to get back to life by the time we get home.

At this point, we can talk reasonably. The things I do (taking them in the car against their will, ignoring their requests for their music, dulling their screams with my music) are not exactly nice. But they prevent me from exploding with rage, which would be even less nice.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Don't let all of the "this is what I do" perfect-sounding comments around here fool you. We all offer lovely advise, but all of us have less-than-perfect moments! We just sound pretty good "on paper". If all you are sinking to is yelling, then yuo are ahead of some of us. At the stage you are at now, I had a 3 1/2 YO and an infant and I was constantly fighting the urge to slap/hit/spank whatever. I only truly snapped a couple of times, but it was a constant fight.

Honestly, that was when I truly realized that SAHM-ing wasn't where my strengths were. A part-time job was absolutely neciessary to keep my sanity and keep my kids from being abused. Now, I am in no way suggesting that as a solution for you -- I'm offering it as an example to prove that not all of us are perfect, calm GD parents all the time!

I don't think there is anything wrong with preschool for your 3 YO. It will give you a break and give her some experiences she won't get otherwise. You can make a final schooling decision later. I also don't think there is anything wrong with saying you aren't cut out to homeschool either, FWIW.

Other things that helped me through that rather trying age and stage was a DH who was a full parenting partner, regular breaks for the kids (mine ended up being work, but you get the picture), guilt-free use of the YMCA's childwatch so I could take an exercise class, and guilt-free (well, almost) liberal use of fast food playplaces and lunch -- that way my 3 YO could run and play without getting away from me and I could sit with the baby.

Do what you need to do to maintain sanity and patience with the kids. Fast food is going to do much less damage than a yelling name-calling mommy. Preschool is much better than totally losing it on a regular basis. Find you limits and work with them. We are all human and we can only do so much. Some of us reach those limits sooner than others. Accepting that and working with it will make it much easier!

[GooeyRN]

My dd was always a challenge. But now at 3, she is kicking my a$$. I am very much struggling to make it to the end of the day.

[*GreenMama*]

I am SO with you.

My oldest isn't even 3 yet and he's kicking my butt! I feel like this horrible snapping dragon mama when I want to be all zen.

Screaming, time outs... ugh. I just don't know what to do when I just nursed baby to sleep and DS1 screams right next to him. Or now that he's taken to trying to SIT on the baby I don't know how to make him not do it, I mean its something that HAS to stop or he can seriously hurt Nate.

[GooeyRN]

Originally Posted by *HolisticMama*

I am SO with you.

My oldest isn't even 3 yet and he's kicking my butt! I feel like this horrible snapping dragon mama when I want to be all zen.

Screaming, time outs... ugh. I just don't know what to do when I just nursed baby to sleep and DS1 screams right next to him. Or now that he's taken to trying to SIT on the baby I don't know how to make him not do it, I mean its something that HAS to stop or he can seriously hurt Nate.

YES!!! She intentionally woke up the baby today. I got him to sleep, put him in the swing and walked away. She looks at me and says "I am going to wake up the baby!" and runs to him and yells in his face and squeezes his hands. : Now it is 2pm and I have an extrememly cranky baby and wired 3 year old.

I don't know how to parent her anymore. I told her to entertain herself while I cleaned up the aftermath of the tornado (aka her) and she ran circles around me yelling "entertain! entertain! entertain!" over and over until she got sick of it, and then said "I entertained myself. Now play blocks with me NOW!" I started doing time outs when she hurts the baby or me and it just isnt helping the situation, but gives me a little sanity.

She was difficult as a baby, not too bad as a 2 year old, but I can't handle the 3's! She is just ... I don't even know how to describe her. She is like a 15 year old in a 3 year old's body.

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by GracesMama

Anyhow, has anyone else felt this way?

Ah, yeah. I cried for a considerably period of time the other day before I posted this -

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...410&highlight=

My head literally buzzed with white noise during the carseat episode.

More books recommendations in this thread -

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=968414

I ordered some of the books people recommended but they havent arrived yet.

Hugs.

[MrsAprilMay]

Our kids are almost the same age. Take it easy on yourself. If you can, get out and spend time with other adults. Playdates are for the mamas maybe even more than for the kids. I know it sounds cliche, but giving yourself a break will recharge you. I went out last weekend without DD, and it has completely recharged me. I feel refreshed. My cup is full, so now I can fill theirs!

[bl987ue]

It seems to me that the majority of the letters I see in this folder are about 3 year olds. The problem is that the software this forum uses is not set up so that people can readily find answers to their questions, so every day a parent of a 3 year old poses exactly the same question. You are not alone!

My child is 7 now, and 3 was by far the hardest year we had with him. It is that way for many, many people. It does get better, once they get older, but the best way to get through it is to pick your battles, win the battles you choose, and do not be swayed by tantrums. (As opposed to meltdowns, which are a different story). And be utterly, completely consistent. Routines help, and I bet getting your wee one in preschool so she has some time with other kids would be good for both of you. And absolutely, you need to take care of yourself!

[Katwoman]

I spent almost the entire 3rd year of my dd1's life telling everyone I was a terrible parent. I read books, talked to people, tried things and it boiled down to me feeling like a failure. I also dreamed of leaving. Mostly because I thought they would be better off without me. And then she turned 4. I can't even explain what happened. It was like the aliens took my 3 year old and replaced her with my wonderful 4 year old. (Almost over night. Weird!)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not alone. I'm sorry it's so hard for you. And we're all here for you.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by GooeyRN

My dd was always a challenge. But now at 3, she is kicking my a$$. I am very much struggling to make it to the end of the day.

Yes. So is my toddler. I'm barely making it to the end of the day as well. I crash early every evening. I mean, like fall fast asleep at 7 pm or 8 pm.

[allgirls]

Yes...I hate THREE. I have absolutely where the term terrible twos came from...threes are the worse



I have a ton of patience..seriously, I have only ever really lost my temper with a three year old(and a teen but that's a different forum).

It's like suddenly they are still cute but deliberately disruptive..they do it on purpose...they have a knowledge of what gets a reaction and they do it just to see.

It takes a lot of work but the best thing I have found is a very boring reaction, matter of fact voice and move along.

It's so difficult.

My daughter will be 3 next month..this month has been horrific. She's afraid of everything, she's clingy and independant at the same time, she's loud, she screams, she tantrums, she's moody and she's very very verbal and will NOT take affection or understanding at all

"I know you are angry"

"screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

"Can mommy do anything to make you feel better?"

"screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

"Ok I'm over here if you need me"

"screaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm"

"Let me know"

"Don't talk to me screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmm"

It doesn't last. Take time for yourself and use the good times to connect.

[*mommy2twins*]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

Don't let all of the "this is what I do" perfect-sounding comments around here fool you. We all offer lovely advise, but all of us have less-than-perfect moments! We just sound pretty good "on paper". If all you are sinking to is yelling, then yuo are ahead of some of us. At the stage you are at now, I had a 3 1/2 YO and an infant and I was constantly fighting the urge to slap/hit/spank whatever. I only truly snapped a couple of times, but it was a constant fight.

Honestly, that was when I truly realized that SAHM-ing wasn't where my strengths were. A part-time job was absolutely neciessary to keep my sanity and keep my kids from being abused. Now, I am in no way suggesting that as a solution for you -- I'm offering it as an example to prove that not all of us are perfect, calm GD parents all the time!

I don't think there is anything wrong with preschool for your 3 YO. It will give you a break and give her some experiences she won't get otherwise. You can make a final schooling decision later. I also don't think there is anything wrong with saying you aren't cut out to homeschool either, FWIW.

Other things that helped me through that rather trying age and stage was a DH who was a full parenting partner, regular breaks for the kids (mine ended up being work, but you get the picture), guilt-free use of the YMCA's childwatch so I could take an exercise class, and guilt-free (well, almost) liberal use of fast food playplaces and lunch -- that way my 3 YO could run and play without getting away from me and I could sit with the baby.

Do what you need to do to maintain sanity and patience with the kids. Fast food is going to do much less damage than a yelling name-calling mommy. Preschool is much better than totally losing it on a regular basis. Find you limits and work with them. We are all human and we can only do so much. Some of us reach those limits sooner than others. Accepting that and working with it will make it much easier!

What a wonderful post! Thank you, I really needed this today

[Niamh]

Originally Posted by allgirls

It doesn't last. Take time for yourself and use the good times to connect.

This is fantastic advice.

[EmilyNY]

Three was a very hard age here, too, and four is much, much better. I did read Unconditional Parenting when my son was 3.5 and made a lot of changes based on that which I think helped, too. Mostly just easing up on myself and releasing myself from the role of "behavior police" helped a lot.

I only skimmed through the other responses, but I wanted to mention one thing that I don't think has been mentioned: I was feeling really emotionally unstable around ovulation after I got my cycles back after my second son was born. I snapped at every little thing - lots of anxiety and feeling like a bad mom. On my midwife's advice, I started taking a magnesium supplement and a high-quality multivitamin. It has made a *remarkable* difference. I think that magnesium really saved me.

[J's Mama]

I hear ya mama. I've been feeling like a failure alot lately too. I don't have any answers; just wanted to let you know that I feel this way alot too. Ditto to your homeschooling comment. Sometimes I snap and I cringe at the things that come out of my mouth and the tone in which they come out. I am aware that alot of it is the result of unhappiness in other areas of my life now I just need to take some action. I wish you patience and luck.

[GracesMama]

Thank you everyone. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. I appreciate all your suggestions and support.