A little something that has really been helping

[Mizelenius]

Since school has started my oldest DD has been prone to more outbursts than usual. I really cringe when she yells . . .when she yells, it is VERY loud, VERY jarring, and I just never know how to react.

Now, I am not saying this solves everything, but I do this. I say:

Are you aware that you are yelling at me?

And then I wait.

Or sometimes,

You are yelling at me.

And then I wait.

After the waiting (depending on what happens next) I might add something like, "When you yell, it makes it harder for me to listen to you. Talk to me about the problem." I try not to add things like that too often-- just waiting is better.

I have been finding that simply MAKING THE PERSON AWARE of (describing) the behavior and then WAITING is key. When I phrase it as "Are you aware that . . ." I think it lessens the anxiety all around. I am automatically giving them an "out." I think often my children are not even aware of what they are doing when acting on impulse. Not adding anything means I am not hinting at lecturing, and I am giving them time to figure out what to do next.

If nothing else, it helps me calm down and not feel so anxious after she's yelled!

Hope this helps someone.

[allgirls]

What a fantastic suggestion!

I'll give it a shot...it's a bit intense around here since school started as well.

Also, I bet it works for a lot of different things.

"Are you aware that you sound rude right now?"

I love it.

[Shami]

Thank you. I hope I will remember this. I like that you are just stating a fact, not lecturing or scolding. So, does this deescalate (sp?) the situation so that you can move on without a lot of blah, blah, blah?

[Think of Winter]

I love your suggestion.

Do you think I could get my kids to tell me this?

[BlueSkyJennifer]

Thanks for sharing that, I love it!

[LemonPie]

Thank-you! This has been a huge issue around here since school started too. I'll definitely give it a try!

[indeospero]

I love this idea. We've been having a lot of difficulty with whining around here. I think I am often too quick to jump from, "You are whining," to making suggestions, like, "How about trying that again in your strong voice." That puts her on the spot; I think the waiting is probably a better idea.

[EnviroBecca]

Two cautions about this:

1. It's not for young children, like under about 7 years old, who may not make the connection between what you're saying and what you want them to do.

2. It's easy to overdo. My partner is very sensitive to tone of voice. Never mind his issues with our 3-year-old; he complains about the way I am speaking to him nearly every time I get upset. Now, this doesn't mean I don't need to work on my tone. But when I'm expressing something that's very important to me, and he interrupts to criticize me, I feel as if
a. He's not listening to WHAT I'm saying
b. He cares about his feelings more than mine.
When this approach is used frequently, it can lead to, "Fine! Whatever! You don't care about me, so I'll just go away!" which shuts down communication about the actual issue at hand.

I'm glad this is working for you! Just saying...

[Embee]

Great suggestion/revelation, mama.

Also, good points made my EnviroBecca.

Lately, I've found "silent attention" to be my very best friend. DS is high strung and I can't say a word because he gets it directly from me. When I was young, I became verbally "uptight" usually because I didn't felt listened to or because I was afraid or assumed I wouldn't be listened to.

Miz, I like your suggestion in particular because DH has actually used this approach on me and while it might have made me angry initially, overtime it has helped me to stop and take note, manage my emotions better, and express myself more clearly and because of this, I'm truly "heard." I feel proud of myself for finally learning how to express strong emotions in a way that is respectful toward others (at least most of the time). Truly, I didn't feel I would ever master this. As a kid, I was either made to go to my room or given the words, "Don't you tell at me, missy." Once my mom was mad at me for yelling, he ears were shut down to my problem. Skills for dealing with strong emotions are well under appreciated. DH is kind, and always has a humorous approach to things and in our years of marriage, I've adopted this (about all things but mostly myself). And when he happens to point it out to me nowadays (not very often I'm glad to report) I might respond with (in my best Robin Leach accent), "Yes, I know I'm yelling . . . and don't know why!!!" Smiles. Laughter. A more disciplined and respectful discussion ensues... problems are heard and usually, solved.

The fact that you stay present, that you wait, surely indicates to your DD that she is important and that you want to hear what she has to say.

The best and thank you,
Em

[Mizelenius]

If anyone has tried it, please report back!

EnviroBecca, you are right, I don't think it would work with a younger child for screaming, but my DD is 6, and I think it would have been OK at age 5 with her as well. So, probably dependent on your child.

As for it being overdone, well, sure. I mean, if you do it over and over again, then you would just sound like a canned record or robot. That goes without saying. Sometimes when DD is yelling, I just say, "Do you need a hug?" That helps a lot, too. I know that most of the time when she's yelling like that it's about something other than what she is actually yelling about . . .she's feeling bad and letting off steam.

Embee, your DH sounds awesome. Kudos to you for doing such hard work on yourself. I know from personal experience that those reactions can be hard to change-- very hard.

[Shantimama]

I do that too and it usually really helps!

[Robinna]

I love this and can see it working on my 5yo (he's pretty sophisticated in his understanding of tone).

[Mrsboyko]

I have been using this on my 22 month old. Obviously i don't wait for a proper response, it usually goes:
"Ouch, your yelling is making my ears hurt. Is there something you need help with? Use your words."

[Greenmama2AJ]

I really liked your I statement afterwards as well. "When you do this, it makes me feel ...". That deflects blame off the child. Nice work