What about the negative effects of controlling parent's anger?

[abbymay]

I was wondering, after reading the article about letting children go through tantrums for emotional health and stability, what the negative effects might be for parents not letting themselves go through the same thing.

I often find that trying to keep myself calm, understanding, grown-up - i.e. a positive and loving guide - when my children are verging on tantrums, and even when they are just misbehaving (throwing toys, food etc.) out of boredom of tiredness, makes me swallow my own anger and frustration and in the end it all comes out in an outburst of yelling that seems to me very similar to a child's tantrum.

Working, living with children sometimes can be as frustrating as the boy who was trying to make his balloon hit the ceiling and couldn't, and we as adult parents, although used to living in society and aware of others feelings and need for space, quiet, co-operation etc., are still as much human beings as our children are.

I find that much of the advice for practicing gentle discipline expects parents to have grown out of their own human phase. While children are given very generous amounts of understanding and forgiveness, parents (many of whom have already been brought up with less understanding themselves) are given stern words about keeping calm and objective, as though our own capacity for frustration has been (or should have been) removed.

Any thoughts about how this might make parents anger, when it finally released, much more intense and negative?

[turnipmama]

I think this is a really good post. I practice GD but it is quite taxing and I think sometimes a lot of the "experts" almost expect too much of GD parents. Despite my best efforts and lots love ect., there are times when I am angry, frustrated, hurt, exhausted, and I just want to scream and throw a fit myself. At the same time, just as I try to be forgiving and understanding towards DD, I try to do the same for myself, to take care of myself and to make sure my physical/emotional needs are fulfilled as well. Right now DH is on deployment and I am on my own there are times when I am just DONE emotionally and physically but I don't think that makes me a bad parent. I vent to other friends, relatives, try to let others watch DD so I can have a break, ect. so I stay in control.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I'm reading a book called Time Out for Parents http://www.amazon.com/Time-Out-Paren...1925175&sr=8-1 which addresses this issue.

Most adults in our culture tend to stuff their emotions. Its important to know what we are feeling, be gentle with ourselves about our needs, pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves that might not be true and are making things worse, and then meeting our needs. For example, child is screaming, we might think, "I've got to get control of this. This behavior is absolutely not okay! I will NOT be treated like a doormat! She should know better!" or we can think, "That noise is painful to my ears. How can I help my child through this and protect my ears?"

Being aware of our emotions, taking care of them, and doing what we can to meet our needs does NOT mean we have to express our emotion. We can choose not to express our emotion if it might add stress to an already stressful situation, would scare or confuse the child, or would get in the way of problem-solving. We can choose to modify how we do express our emotions, such as saying in a normal voice, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm going to take a timeout" instead of screaming it.

We should do exactly what we're trying to teach our child to do: be aware of our emotion, find out what's causing (or contributing) to it, express the feeling in ways that do not hurt us or anyone else, and problem-solve how to meet the needs or find something else to turn our attention to if its not possible to solve the problem.

[BeanyMama]

Really interesting thread. :

[Magella]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

I'm reading a book called Time Out for Parents http://www.amazon.com/Time-Out-Paren...1925175&sr=8-1 which addresses this issue.

Most adults in our culture tend to stuff their emotions. Its important to know what we are feeling, be gentle with ourselves about our needs, pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves that might not be true and are making things worse, and then meeting our needs. For example, child is screaming, we might think, "I've got to get control of this. This behavior is absolutely not okay! I will NOT be treated like a doormat! She should know better!" or we can think, "That noise is painful to my ears. How can I help my child through this and protect my ears?"

Being aware of our emotions, taking care of them, and doing what we can to meet our needs does NOT mean we have to express our emotion. We can choose not to express our emotion if it might add stress to an already stressful situation, would scare or confuse the child, or would get in the way of problem-solving. We can choose to modify how we do express our emotions, such as saying in a normal voice, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I'm going to take a timeout" instead of screaming it.

We should do exactly what we're trying to teach our child to do: be aware of our emotion, find out what's causing (or contributing) to it, express the feeling in ways that do not hurt us or anyone else, and problem-solve how to meet the needs or find something else to turn our attention to if its not possible to solve the problem.

: (This is a great book, btw, and very worth reading.)

As someone who has struggled with anger, I think it's not about controlling/stuffing anger or about being allowed to have our adult tantrums. It's about learning healthier ways of managing our anger and caring for ourselves, so that we can be more (not perfectly) compassionate, calm, effective parents.

I find that much of the advice for practicing gentle discipline expects parents to have grown out of their own human phase. While children are given very generous amounts of understanding and forgiveness, parents (many of whom have already been brought up with less understanding themselves) are given stern words about keeping calm and objective, as though our own capacity for frustration has been (or should have been) removed.

IME, it is possible (though difficult at times) to remain calm (enough) and (mostly) objective while at the same time feeling frustrated. It's not that staying calm and objective means you don't feel frustrated--I don't think that's what most discipline advice is getting at. We have feelings, and we also have a choice as to what we do when we have those feelings. It's like I tell my kids: all feelings are okay, but some ways of expressing or trying to cope with feelings are not okay. So if I say hitting your brother is not okay, that doesn't mean that feeling angry is bad. It just means there are other, safer, healthier ways of dealing with your anger.

Anger is a friend. It's like a warning light on the car's dashboard, letting you know something needs to be attended to. And if you ignore that warning light and don't attend to the car, very unpleasant things can happen. It's not the light that's the problem (the light itself isn't what caused the very unpleasant thing to happen), the problem is the issue (which caused the light to come on) that got ignored. So with anger, I think of saying "I feel angry. thanks, anger, for letting me know there's a problem. Now, what's going on and how can we solve this problem?" It's rare that simply saying "hey, I'm angry" really actually solves the problem and makes everything okay (though it may be part of the process).

[caspian's mama]

the biggest (possibly only) thing that keeps my tantrums in check is remembering that parenting is 99% modeling. i really don't want to see my kid throwing his lightsabers or my phone across the room, right? so maybe i shouldn't let him see me doing it or, better yet, find something else to do.

i've wanted a punching bag for a LONG time now but kept resisting because i was concerned about it promoting more violence. casi and i are both reallyreally kinetic, though, and we crave that physical release when we're angry. so i'm getting one asap. i really think it will do wonders for us to stop, remove ourselves from the situation, and expel our negativity elsewhere.

[One_Girl]

There is so much stuff that children do that can be seen as annoying, uncooperative, naughty, etc... that it really doesn't make sense to let yourself show your anger all the time because you would pretty much be creating an angry and hostile environment. Part of growing up and being an adult is learning to control your emotions and stay calm even when you want to scream. There are so many times I have forced myself to stay calm even when I was angry at something my child did or said and then I have looked back and questioned why I was even bothered by it. There have been a few times when I did express a little anger at not being listened to or at a certain behavior and I got even angrier because it didn't make a difference, dd just went on doing her thing.

Children get more understanding because they are younger, have less self control, and have less control over their situation in general. As they get older they are expected to keep themselves a little more together each year and we teach them how to express their anger in words rather than storms of tantrums and how to calm themselves when they start to feel frustrated and overwhelmed.

Adults also do get a lot of compassion but that doesn't mean they should be encouraged to let go of their self control. This is especially important if you tend to get carried away by your anger because once a little gets out it can be very hard to pull back. I think an occassional outburst is to be expected from adults and modeling what you do to make amends is a good thing, but showing anger over every little thing seems petty.

[GuildJenn]

I've never really seen GD as having to hold back my anger, so that's interesting. I'm thinking out loud.

I guess for me the big lessons about GD have been:

1. Expectation management. My son is 3 now and coming into that 3.5 phase where everyone seems to question their parenting. I find that because I've read up on how this is appropriate I'm able NOT to take it personally. Because my expectations are lower/more realistic, and I know it's 90% a phase and it's about getting through the phase WITH our family rules and standards intact, I don't find myself so angry.

2. Being the change I want to be in the world rather than imposing it on my child. So rather than saying (implicitly): "you had better respect me!" I try to focus on what I control, which is problem solving in a respectful way that I hope my son will eventually emulate. So when I see a conflict as a chance to model how I want my son to end up, I feel kind of powerful and not as prone to anger.

Not to say it doesn't happen. I just don't find that, for me, GD creates a bottle of anger or anything like that. I find it has helped me to find a road that suits me and I'm less likely to get angry because I feel good about it.

When I do get angry I don't always suppress it either. (Sometimes I do in that adult way a pp noted.) I don't yell or hit but I feel fine saying (and modelling) "I'm really frustrated right now. I'm going to sit on the couch and breathe." I even feel okay saying "I am SO ANGRY right now I am going to go bananas!" and then jump up and down and make gorilla sounds. Which actually WORKS ON ME.

[I-AM-Mother]

great topic. I'll leave you with this quote: "Do not teach your children never to be angry: teach them how to be angry."
-Lyman Abbott

[ann_of_loxley]

Controlling your actions towards other in anger - and controlling your anger are two different things. Thats a good quote above that sums it up...

"Do not teach your children never to be angry: teach them how to be angry."
-Lyman Abbott

I am sure everything has already been said but I like posting so here it is lol...

My son has tantrums. He needs the emotinal release. We talk about it. I want him to know that I am there for him no matter what he is feeling because feelings are okay to have. I would like for him to be emotonally healthy. This doesn't mean I let him hit me or lash our at me or yell at me. I also believe in teaching my doing. I am teaching him to respect me by respecting him and also respecting myself. I do not want to be hit, its hurts...so does yelling at me. He has never hit me, but if he has, I would tell him I do not like it and that it hurts and remove myself from the situation as to not let myself get hit again. He has yelled at me and I simply tell him I do not like being yelled at.

The same goes for me. Its fine for me to be angry, frustrated, upset...etc I dont control my feelings though. I dont bottle them up. But I too am not to go about hitting my son or yelling at him. I need to respect him as well as myself. So perhaps I can go hit a pillow or a scream into a pillow when I am upset to help me release my feelings. My son may see this. He even comments on my feelings sometimes. He will say 'you are angry - you are upset...its okay to be upset'...and then maybe I will expand and we can talk about it as talking about our feelings can also help us to feel 'better'.

I think it could send them mixed messages if you are showing them that you never have any feelings - in a sense. If they are older and can cotton on, how to even bottle feelings up.

But even we can make mistakes. Its important to show them through this as well. We are not perfect. Sometimes I shout. But then I can show my son that I am sorry for shouting and apologise to him, etc. This can show him I am human and we all make mistakes and thats okay too.

[milkybean]

Originally Posted by Magella

As someone who has struggled with anger, I think it's not about controlling/stuffing anger or about being allowed to have our adult tantrums. It's about learning healthier ways of managing our anger and caring for ourselves, so that we can be more (not perfectly) compassionate, calm, effective parents.

It's like I tell my kids: all feelings are okay, but some ways of expressing or trying to cope with feelings are not okay. So if I say hitting your brother is not okay, that doesn't mean that feeling angry is bad. It just means there are other, safer, healthier ways of dealing with your anger.

Anger is a friend. It's like a warning light on the car's dashboard, letting you know something needs to be attended to. And if you ignore that warning light and don't attend to the car, very unpleasant things can happen. It's not the light that's the problem (the light itself isn't what caused the very unpleasant thing to happen), the problem is the issue (which caused the light to come on) that got ignored. So with anger, I think of saying "I feel angry. thanks, anger, for letting me know there's a problem. Now, what's going on and how can we solve this problem?" It's rare that simply saying "hey, I'm angry" really actually solves the problem and makes everything okay (though it may be part of the process).

Oh I agree with all of this!

I had a round of anger management counseling that was invaluable. Before then I would stuff my feelings, or let it come out in punching walls, door jambs, or even my own hand (broke a bone that way, boy did I feel stupid!). Those things never worked. After the counseling, I learned ways of expressing myself without needed to hit/punch. I can still be angry, but I'm not being scary while doing so.


When my husband tries to stuff his anger, he explodes almost inevitably. Today for instance has been really challenging for him, b/c DS might be catching a cold and hubby has had the TV on All Day Long. DS has been going bonkers for hours now, and I keep trying to convince hubby to find other things to do, but hubby is tired too and just wants DS to be amused by the TV. I'm just as annoyed at DS's behaviour, but have to keep stepping in with different methods and attitudes. DS is bugging both of us, and I'm expressing myself while working to get things done.

Although it's exhausting to use the techniques my counselor taught me, but it's more exhausting to listen to hubby stuffing and exploding all day long!

[mindymom]

I love this thread! i am mostly just enjoying reading everyone's thoughts about this, but i wanted to add that different people have different needs when it comes to expressing emotion. i think it's fine for some people to say adults should have grown out of getting angry and just focus on solving the problem, while for others (children AND adults) the catharsis of a periodic "temper tantrum" is necessary. (for example, dh is fond of teasing me that i am going to have a good hard cry once a year whether i need to or not. and he's right.)

maybe we just need to GD ourselves as much as we do our kids. i mean, if you knew your child was bottling up resentment over little things, or was feeling shacky-wacky from being at home too much, etc, what would you do for them? now, apply that to your own emotions. (i like the punching bag idea! i actually think that's great modeling and i doubt it will encourage your child to think that violence against people is acceptable.) the great thing about being adults is that in general we have a greater capacity for self-reflection, so we can see some of these things coming and take positive action before we explode.

[mamamelia]

ummm, this is probably not the norm, but i allow myself to get angry - i've gotten over trying to be the chirpy, playful everything-is-fine-24/7 parent. today for instance, the 21mo dumped the wooden peas and carrots down the drain in the backyard and boy was i pissed. after a full day of being very patient and super understanding, i just lost it (especially because i asked them repeatedly to NOT take the little can of peas and carrots outside). they love that can of playfood.. but somehow the toddler thought it would be fun to throw them into the drain.

well when i found out i took them both inside and went off! i stomped my feet and said that i was not very happy with what they did. the 4yo went quiet and the 21mo just stared at me like "oh crap she's angry" and i said that i will not be buying more peas and carrots to replace these ones because i asked them not to take the can outside to begin with. well, after saying that and 5 minutes of me muttering to myself i finally calmed down and felt better and was ready to sit down with the girls and be rational. i explained calmly that the playfood was now gone and that any other playfood should not be taken outside next time. i hugged them and said sorry for yelling and they took it pretty well. my 4yo hugged me and said "its ok mama, i know you were just sad because i didn't take care of my toys. i will take care of them more next time" and everything was pretty much back to normal straight afterwards.
i felt guilty after that but i had a good think about it and realized had i just been easy going about it, i can assure you more toys would have made it down the drain by tomorrow and well, that's just not something i'm willing to be ok about since the toys cannot be retreived.

i have outbursts and act like a child at times but i ensure never to use damaging words like "your naughty or bad" or worse, get violent.. but rather just yell and rant about how i am not happy with that *behaivour*. then i always apologise when i've calmed down.

anger management has been hard for me.. and i come from a family who all have a very filthy tempers.. so i think my little half assed rants are pretty good considering what i've seen from people who share my genetic material. i hope to get to a point where i can just say "ok i'm angry, i'm going to sit down for 5 minutes" but right now i'm just at the point where i scream for a minute and then mutter to myself afterwards. its a work in progress.

[Juvysen]

I've been really struggling with my own anger lately. My daughter has a tendency to throw things at people and when something hits my son or the cats I have a REALLY hard time keeping back the mama bear thing. I have been yelling into the air because it keeps me from yelling at her. Sometimes I stomp my feet... because I really REALLY need release and I realize that doesn't sound like the most adult thing to do, but honestly, I'd prefer she does that than the hitting or biting that she's been doing. *sigh* I'm such a work in progress lately. Bleh.

I'm not feeling great about how I'm handling things, so it'd be great if people could keep from flaming me.

[MeMommy]

Just wanted to throw in an idea - I've been struggling with intense anger, depression, anxiety, etc, for years, and in the past few months, as my oldest entered that two-year-old-I'm-gonna-test-Mommy-on-everything-she-says phase, it got so terrible that I actually hit her once. I found solace within EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques, a supportive, gentle, and deeply healing energy therapy. It has helped me release so much blame, helplessness, fear, terror, abuse, trauma, etc, from my childhood, that were behind my frightening anger adn panic attacks. I am healing my relationship with myself and my relationship with my DD. DD trusts me so much more now, when I hold her she melts into me, something she has never done before. I just wish I had started healing myself earlier! If anyone wants more info, they can go to the website, www.emofree.com. There's a free manual you can download, thousands of true stories of how people used EFT sucessfully, and there's forums where you can ask questions and find information from EFT experts. I highly recommend it for anyone who is serious about working on themselves to be a better parent, and it's great for helping children deal with their issues, too!

[mamazee]

There was a thread not long ago that you might find relevant: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=964853

Basically, I don't think we do any favors not allowing our children to see us having all available emotions and modeling appropriate ways of dealing with those emotions. If my daughter never sees me angry, she never gets to see healthy ways to deal with anger. I want my daughter to be comfortable with all emotions and know how to work with them, so it's important she see me work with them.

[I-AM-Mother]

Originally Posted by mamazee

There was a thread not long ago that you might find relevant: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=964853

Basically, I don't think we do any favors not allowing our children to see us having all available emotions and modeling appropriate ways of dealing with those emotions. If my daughter never sees me angry, she never gets to see healthy ways to deal with anger. I want my daughter to be comfortable with all emotions and know how to work with them, so it's important she see me work with them.

isn't this topic and the limits of gd two different subjects, because if not, i mos. def. need to delete my post here.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by I-AM-Mother

isn't this topic and the limits of gd two different subjects, because if not, i mos. def. need to delete my post here.

The title of the other thread is misleading, and I think the content in the other thread is similar.

[I-AM-Mother]

Originally Posted by mamazee

The title of the other thread is misleading, and I think the content in the other thread is similar.

you're right!

[dflanag2]

Originally Posted by mamamelia

ummm, this is probably not the norm, but i allow myself to get angry - i've gotten over trying to be the chirpy, playful everything-is-fine-24/7 parent...

anger management has been hard for me.. and i come from a family who all have a very filthy tempers.. so i think my little half assed rants are pretty good considering what i've seen from people who share my genetic material. i hope to get to a point where i can just say "ok i'm angry, i'm going to sit down for 5 minutes" but right now i'm just at the point where i scream for a minute and then mutter to myself afterwards. its a work in progress.

Yes! This is similar to me. I want my kids to see me model that all emotions are okay, and that we all have to work on how to handle them.

Originally Posted by Juvysen

I've been really struggling with my own anger lately. My daughter has a tendency to throw things at people and when something hits my son or the cats I have a REALLY hard time keeping back the mama bear thing. I have been yelling into the air because it keeps me from yelling at her. Sometimes I stomp my feet... because I really REALLY need release and I realize that doesn't sound like the most adult thing to do, but honestly, I'd prefer she does that than the hitting or biting that she's been doing. *sigh* I'm such a work in progress lately. Bleh.

I'm not feeling great about how I'm handling things, so it'd be great if people could keep from flaming me.

No flames here. I think feet stomping is a great way to vent frustration. Maybe you will teach DD to stomp her feet rather than hit/bite?

Gotta go, a fight is brewing between the kidlets...