What about the negative effects of controlling parent's anger? - Page 2

[Think of Winter]

This topic, in different forms, comes up here pretty regularly, and it's always helpful to me, so thanks for this post. Kinda like the "my 3 yr old is making me nuts" posts. It's really reassuring to know it's not just me.

I do feel angry a lot. And often it is out of proportion to the situation I'm in. It does not seem right to me that my kids acting their ages can just make me insane, but there you go. It does. But I've gotten a little better at handling it. This list helps. Having a supportive dh helps. Deep breathing, time to myself when I can get it, taking time outs when I need to, reading about developmental stages and age-appropriate behavior. I think for me, a big part of the problem is unreasonable expectations of how children should behave.

I don't blame myself for the angry feelings, but I do get really disappointed with how I handle them sometimes. I snap at my kids, I yell. But I'm working on it, and I've modelled apologizing really well.

I don't really try to hide or control my anger, since it doesn't work for me. I do try to alleviate the feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed, and filter what comes out of my mouth and take a step back when I'm feelign grabby. It is hard. This is a good question.

[mbravebird]

Originally Posted by MeMommy

Just wanted to throw in an idea - I've been struggling with intense anger, depression, anxiety, etc, for years, and in the past few months, as my oldest entered that two-year-old-I'm-gonna-test-Mommy-on-everything-she-says phase, it got so terrible that I actually hit her once. I found solace within EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques, a supportive, gentle, and deeply healing energy therapy. It has helped me release so much blame, helplessness, fear, terror, abuse, trauma, etc, from my childhood, that were behind my frightening anger adn panic attacks. I am healing my relationship with myself and my relationship with my DD. DD trusts me so much more now, when I hold her she melts into me, something she has never done before. I just wish I had started healing myself earlier! If anyone wants more info, they can go to the website, www.emofree.com. There's a free manual you can download, thousands of true stories of how people used EFT sucessfully, and there's forums where you can ask questions and find information from EFT experts. I highly recommend it for anyone who is serious about working on themselves to be a better parent, and it's great for helping children deal with their issues, too!

I second this post. I've used EFT in the midst of anger, right in front of ds, while I was standing in the bathroom trying to get a handle on myself. It's really helped, both in the immediate and for the long-term. In fact, I'm glad to be reminded of it -- I haven't used it in a while but after reading this yesterday remembered to use it to help myself through a situation. Not to "not seem angry", but to help me navigate the anger appropriately.

It seems to me there is regular anger and there is toxic anger. EFT helps with both, but it can be particularly miraculous with the toxic anger, the stuff that's less related to our kids' behavior and more related to our inner make-up. It's good to have an alternative at those times, because often the "rules" we try to govern ourselves by with anger get thrown out when toxic anger shows up.

I also find it to be useful to be very, very aware of when my needs aren't getting met and, even if I can't meet them, actively being very gentle with myself and kind to myself. Sometimes I physically rub my heart when I'm feeling at wit's end. It really helps.

I agree that getting and feeling angry is not dangerous to kids. Well, I guess I think toxic anger is dangerous. But regular anger seems to be difficult, but not inherently dangerous. And I agree that if the underlying needs behind the anger, including expressing oneself and being heard, are not tended to, the anger can explode into a bigger thing than it would have been otherwise.

I agree that perfection is not the goal. I always say that I know my son knows what the standards are, even if I'm not meeting them, because I try to acknowledge what I wish I'd done. That's something I didn't have as a child, so it feels significant to be able to offer it. An example of evolving and relating instead of controlling and managing. That's what I'm going for, anyway...

[Carma]

When we are for example in a hurry and I need 3 year old DD to get dressed in a faster way. I explain to her that I am in a hurry and that we need to get dressed quickly so we will be on time. Often that helps her go faster. When I just get angrier and angrier because she is delaying and I don't explain why etc. it takes usually longer in the end. Also when I see she is taking an effort too I get less frustrated.
However she is still in the phase where she likes to help very much, so helping me to be on time is still fun for her.

When I do get frustrated I try to release frustration in a 'funny way', or defuse my angry reaction, remember the tv-add with the mum who sprayed her child with the faucet hose?

Carma

[milkybean]

Ooh ooh ooh. EFT was mentioned. During part of my time in practice as a chiro, I worked for a woman who did EFT and Brain Gym. The tiny itsy bitty bit she taught me was something where you put the tip of your tongue on the front roof of your mouth, and there was something else that I don't remember.

So when I find myself getting too angry (let me sidetrack here....there is normal anger and there is over the top, scare my husband, anger...I have to be CAREFUL that I don't go into the over the top anger with my son, b/c it messes him up for the day, and teaches him how to be freakishly angry...I let myself be angry, just not ANGRY), I have found that I start clenching my teeth, and it makes the angry stronger. So if I can do the tongue/top of mouth thing, that causes me to open my mouth a bit, which relaxes my jaws, and I find myself losing anger (it just drains out) just by NOT clenching my jaw.

So just that little bitty bit can help me, if I can remember to do it.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by milkybean

Ooh ooh ooh. EFT was mentioned. During part of my time in practice as a chiro, I worked for a woman who did EFT and Brain Gym. The tiny itsy bitty bit she taught me was something where you put the tip of your tongue on the front roof of your mouth, and there was something else that I don't remember.

So when I find myself getting too angry (let me sidetrack here....there is normal anger and there is over the top, scare my husband, anger...I have to be CAREFUL that I don't go into the over the top anger with my son, b/c it messes him up for the day, and teaches him how to be freakishly angry...I let myself be angry, just not ANGRY), I have found that I start clenching my teeth, and it makes the angry stronger. So if I can do the tongue/top of mouth thing, that causes me to open my mouth a bit, which relaxes my jaws, and I find myself losing anger (it just drains out) just by NOT clenching my jaw.

So just that little bitty bit can help me, if I can remember to do it.

Ooh! good tip. I'm gonna have to remember that, because when I *do* keep my jaw from clenching I definitely get better faster...

[alexsam]

I posted in the other thread, but I feel like saying it again so... Bear with me (or skip me )....

I totally get mad. I never call names, say demeaning things, I am not cruel or scary. But I'll yell. And show frustration. And all of that. I'll even swear (again, not in a cruel way). And I just can't do the "perfect words" and will say what I feel, which often includes things like "Hey! Cut that out!" Or "Quit it, wouldja?". I'm not an inherently mean person, but I am passionate, honest, and straightforward.

For a long time, I tried to be "perfect mom". I'd swallow all the frustration and anger. I'd try to use all the perfect words. I'd steel myself with patience. And I found that really, I was slowly killing the part of me that made me me. As I would repress that part of me that was upset, I was also repressing the same parts that were the spontaneous, fun, and interesting. I was vanilla ice cream. And, I'm more of a New York Superfudge Chunk . I realized that my son would not grow up knowing ME, but this crazy "perfect" mom who was some sort of stranger. And that there are lots of people (myself included) that had wonderful moms who sometimes had hissy fits, lost their tempers and all that. Now, my mom and I laugh about it ("Remember when we drew on the carpets with those markers and you freaked out? Man, you were MAD!" "Oh my GOD! I wanted to kill you and your sister! It took me hours to get that out!" and we both laugh... Because she knew somewhere in her that these things happen and we knew that she would never really hurt us and loved us even when she was mad).

I realized that there was way more to mother-child relationships than words. That the perfect words are not so perfect because they are not mine. I realized that the anger was OK as long as it was not destructive and that I too was allowed to be a person. And in showing myself as a person to my son I was giving him the gift of myself and of a relationship that will grow and mature because it will always be me- not "little kid mom" or "teenager mom", but me, just dealing with what comes my way.

So, I'm done holding it in. Like I said, I don't have any anger issues. I'm never out of control or unreasonable or cruel or mean or say hurtful things. I'm basically a good mom and a good person and I TRUST myself to be angry and even yell and say "imperfect" things because I TRUST in the relationship I am building with my son. I'm POSITIVE that one day we'll talk about the time I freaked out when... or how I hit the roof when... but that is ok. I'll remind him what he did to get me so worked up .

[Surfacing]

subbing to come back later and read - great thread!

[St. Margaret]

I'm right in the middle of the section in Adventures in Gentle Discipline (from LLL, and the author used advice from MDC mamas! : ) where it discusses this very issue-- about being a "real" mom and not bottling it all up until you explode, or teaching your kids to be "fake."

I will come back later to read/discuss more, but I wanted to throw that resource out there!