Help me help my support people with HB

[Thefrawg]

Ok, so the more I study and research, the more I am leaning for a homebirth. I have finally found one midwife who will consider taking me on, as I have had a c-section with my first baby. This is my third after a successful uncomplicated hospital VBAC.

Anyway, I know my risks are comparable with women who have not had a c/s at this point, but I am an hour from the hospital I would choose to go to for any emergency.

So, I am not sure how to address that issue with my decidedly NOT crunchy family. There is so much fear and ignorance in their concerns and I really feel bad for their stress. I know they love me very much, but.......I am an educated woman and have done the research. I know what I want.

Can you give me any advice on how to get my family's support here? I can't invite a bunch of crazy, scared, highly emotional women to my birth. But I want some of them there....

Help!

[jlizgar]

Have a movie night and watch the Business of Being Born with them! Also, you could print off info and give to them or send them links to info off the internet. If they still wont come around after all this just firmly but nicely tell them that you have made your choice (and its YOURS to make) and that you want their support but if they can not give it then they are not welcome at your birth.

Good luck

Liz

[Peppamint]

Originally Posted by jlizgar

but nicely tell them that you have made your choice (and its YOURS to make) and that you want their support but if they can not give it then they are not welcome at your birth.

:

It's definitely your choice to make, but it's nice if you're able to bring them around prior to the birth. I agree that watching videos might help.

[MommyofHero]

I personally wouldn't allow anyone present at my birth who did not whole-heartedly support my decision and believe in my ability to HB. I believe that during birth you become very sensitive to people's energies. I definitely would not want to pick up any sort of "doubt" vibe or fear vibe or whatever from someone present while I'm busy focusing on labor/birth. Just remember that having people present at a HB is much different than having people present at a hospital birth-- at home you won't have the nurses and drugs and medical equipment surrounding you, and to most people who don't agree with HB, that's a "dangerous" place to be.
I would consider having it a more private event if I were in your shoes...but that's just me.

[dogmom327]

I would hold off inviting anyone until you've educated them and are fully convinced they are on board--for your sake and for your midwife's sake. Having people around that aren't 110% supportive will cause problems.

[MsBlack]

I agree with the pp's on this--you don't want anyone there who is not 100% on board w/homebirth.

You have said that you want some of these people at your birth. I suggest that you start by introducing the idea, fielding the possible questions and upset, and see if any of these people actually come through to that 100% place, sooner or later. I like the movie night idea....maybe with a 'program' hand out that gives links and such for their further consideration.

Thing is, the people we may 'want' with us at birth, are not always the people we really 'need' at our births. I'm guessing that you want these particular people because you believe their presence will meet some needs: your own needs as a laboring woman, and possibly meet their needs/desires too--or what you perceive as their needs or desires--such as being able to bond with your baby (their new fam/community member) at birth. But anyone who is not entirely comfortable with homebirth is going to work against a peaceful happy birth, if only in a silent energetic way; and such people are the worst to have around if there is an emergency or even just a concerning variation from the norm, because they are so much more likely to panic or to get righteous/angry. And if things do get a bit iffy (or worse) at your birth, this is the absolute worst thing to have to have to deal with!

In any event, see who comes through for you, as 100% helpful/positive about your HBAC. If any of the chosen ones do, then great! Invite them to the birth. And if none do, then rethink your wants and needs, and who might possibly help you fulfill them.

And going a bit OT here....this is something that probably you and your mw will discuss but I thought bears mentioning: you said that your 'chosen hospital in case of emergency' is an hour away. In a real emergency in my practice, my policy is going to the CLOSEST hospital for safety's sake--this is the way it is for all mw's I know. The 'chosen' hospital is for non-emergency transports, such as for pain-relief. Just something to consider.

[Staciemao]

My mom was very nervous when I told her that I would be having my daughter with a midwife. Now she is the world's biggest advocate for midwives, waterbirth, etc. I credit the fact that she went to my prenatals.

I know that the reason my mom was not onboard at the beginning was because she was afraid for me and her grandchild. So I brought her to my prenatals and told her that she was allowed to ask anything she wanted, as long as she wasn't being confrontational or "Mama-Bear" like. She asked tons of highly intelligent questions, researched and read on her own, and was awesome at the birth.

It really was about education for us.

[pazerific]

Amen to everything MsBlack said! and even though those ppl might seem like you "need" them there, things will be ok if they can't make it or aren't invited. my parents are very supportive of HB and were there for dd1's birth. however, they didn't make it in time for dd2's birth (she happened fast, and they were states away), and while i got a little upset about it during labor, it really was ok. certainly i wished they could have shared that birth with us too, but in the end, dh was all i really needed. i hope you have a wonderful HBAC!

[Thefrawg]

I understand what you are saying, and I don't plan on having anyone there who is not supportive of my birth choices. I just would prefer to have their support so I can include them. It isn't as easy as just excluding them, because we are a close family, and the fallout will last months if I say my mother and sisters can't come. Really.

I will deal with that if I have to, but if anyone can throw me a lifeline on how to help them understand the safety of this decision, it would be preferable to me! The women of my family are so sensitive!

I do own a copy of BOBB and plan on having a movie night. That is a great idea. Thanks for the advice!

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Thefrawg

I do own a copy of BOBB and plan on having a movie night. That is a great idea. Thanks for the advice!

That movie is so great for introducing the concept of homebirth to people. It's a good first step.

[Citykid]

Maybe your midwife would be willing to meet with them and answer their questions? Most midwives are really great at giving answers to all those "but what happens if..." questions.

No one can give you the silver bullet that is guaranteed to convince your mom and sisters. But do they need to actually watch the baby come out of your vagina? Would they be willing to be present, but maybe stay in the living room, with the option to occasionally pop in and say hello?

Was your last birth unmedicated and intervention-free? If so, and they were present at that, that will go a long way to convincing them that HB is ok, because they will already know that you can birth on your own, and the only question is safety in case of emergency. But if you had any interventions, I'd say you've got a tough row to hoe.

Good luck!