Unresolved birth issues w/husband

[rhoneyes]

Hey all...Im at a loss and feel terrible. Daniel expressed to me today how disappointed he is about our birth. We planned a UC but during transition I transferred to the hospital. I just couldnt take it and the fear overwhelmed me. I did not know what to do. its funny cause I didnt know what my body was doing, I had no idea that I was at the pushing point. the pain was so intense that I could not listen to Daniels coaching.

Well we both know now that If I had just relaxed and listened to him that I woud have had my home/water birth. If I had focused on what he was saying then we would have the birth we planned for. But I didnt. Instead medical professionals were the ones I could listen to,

well he feels that his role was taken from him and that he did not get to do what he knew he could do and that is birth our baby. he feels that his role as a father and coach was stripped away from him by the doctors and that I wouldnt listen to him when that was what we planned.

I feel terrible for helping take this awayfrom him. How do I help him resolve this? How can I make his experience like mine? We have gotten into a few arguments about it and it all comes down to: if only i listened to him.

did anyone go through this? how can I help him be at peace?

[dayiscoming2006]

I don't really know if there is much that you can do. Maybe you could apologize? And explain calmly to him that you didn't trust yourself and freaked out just so he sees that it wasn't him you didn't trust, it was yourself.

From your birth story it seems like things went pretty well even though you ended up transferring.

I believe this is your first child? So I guess you could just explain to him that you didn't know what to expect and the experience overwhelmed you. If you plan on more children and a UC then you could explain to him that you hope to have another with him and for it to hopefully be at home and that you will not transfer unless you feel there is a real need(emergency) and will trust him. (slightly risky to say though if you don't think you could trust him in that situation?)

I don't know if there is much else you can do. I'm sure that it will be better over time.

[tree-hugger]

In my opinion, a birth is about the mother and the baby much more than it is about the father. And I think the mother should have much more say than the father about where and how the baby will be born. It's the mother's body and so it should be her decision. I also think that the best place to give birth is often the place where the mother feels safe, comfortable, and secure. When the time actually came to give birth, if you decided that the hospital was the best place, then I really don't see anything wrong with it. If YOU wanted to transfer, then that should be YOUR decision, and I think your husband should just let it go that the birth didn't go as planned. I hope that you are able to find peace.

[crescentmoonmama]

Have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVf4rzam0Xo

I don't know if there is anything that moms can do to help dads process their births, but I definitely do think they need support and a place to work through their feelings.

You might think about contacting the filmmaker who also works with families and babies in healing from birth trauma.

[jenneology]

I actually think it is very cool that your husband saw himself as that involved and important to the birth of his child. I wish more husband's saw themselves in that role. I think that by recognizing and validating his feelings and his disappointment will go along way. You also could tell him exactly what you said here: that you realize you could have done things differently and he would have gotten what you thought you both wanted. You might have some of your own feelings of disappointment mixed in too. Do you feel defensive of your choice? Have you had to defend your reasons for transferring to him? What are his thoughts? I guess I'm trying to figure out better what the emotions are between the two of you. This sort of thing could result in a lot of conflict. When it comes to conflict, its always a good idea to apologize for what you can but stand strong for the things that you don't feel apologetic for. If you are sorry that he is hurt, apologize for that, if you are sorry that you transferred, apologize for that. But if you aren't sorry about the transfer, you can tell him, I can't apologize for that--its what I had to do, but I am sorry that (insert your thoughts here i.e. I took the opportunity to catch our baby away from you and that you are disappointed at that). Good luck and I HTH!

[hollycat]

sweetie, i dont want to make you feel worse but i cant even come close to understanding this. your hubbys primary role as a coach, and as a husband is to absolutely support you in whatever you need to do to have a baby.

it sounds like youre both really disappointed, but life is like that sometimes, you have a beautiful healthy baby and for him to continue to talk about what he lost here and how you screwed it up is something i ..... just find baffling.

from my POV you did absolutely nothing wrong here. you did what you needed to do for you and the baby at the time. his job is to support that completely. i agree with the previous poster - to me this is about your relationship. its about support, respect and love in relationship. im not sure it has anything to do with birth.

one thing i do know is that childbirth and having a kid can REALLY make men feel out of control. because when it comes to pregnancy childbirth, they arent in control. at all. no matter how much they'd like to pretend or try to be in control. and when a kid comes that can feel beyond their control, too. so that might be whats going on. regardless, i hope you stop blaming yourself. you are not at all at fault here.

[sweetpeppers]

Originally Posted by dayiscoming2006

I don't really know if there is much that you can do. Maybe you could apologize? And explain calmly to him that you didn't trust yourself and freaked out just so he sees that it wasn't him you didn't trust, it was yourself.

From your birth story it seems like things went pretty well even though you ended up transferring.

I believe this is your first child? So I guess you could just explain to him that you didn't know what to expect and the experience overwhelmed you. If you plan on more children and a UC then you could explain to him that you hope to have another with him and for it to hopefully be at home and that you will not transfer unless you feel there is a real need(emergency) and will trust him. (slightly risky to say though if you don't think you could trust him in that situation?)

I don't know if there is much else you can do. I'm sure that it will be better over time.

I agree, sometimes an I'm sorry can really help. It doesn't change anything, but it shows that you care.

[kimiij]

I don't think you need to apologize. But, I don't think he's asking you to do that. I think he's just processing his feelings and talking to you about the birth experience. Just as you might have shared with him your thoughts and emotions about the birth, he is doing that with you.

I wouldn't take it personally- and I know this is easier said than done. But, don't see his processing as a failure on your part.

I would just talk with him about why you wanted to transfer, let him know that it was not because he wasn't a good coach, and that in birth, sometimes plans don't always happen as planned.

I hope you guys are able to work through this together.

[whalemilk]

I agree with Hollycat. Your job in labor and childbirth is to listen to your own judgement and protect your own well-being and that of your child. It's NOT to provide your husband or anyone else with an "experience," spiritual, emotional, or otherwise. IMHO he needs to work out his disappointment with someone else--say, a counselor--and not blame you or make you feel bad about it. You did nothing wrong. And you didn't take anything away from him. Honestly I feel he's being a bit ridiculous, and if my own spouse laid something like that on me, I'd be pretty angry, and would steer him towards couples counseling. It seems like a very unfair thing to lay on a woman postpartum.

[ghannit]

Originally Posted by tree-hugger

In my opinion, a birth is about the mother and the baby much more than it is about the father. And I think the mother should have much more say than the father about where and how the baby will be born. It's the mother's body and so it should be her decision. I also think that the best place to give birth is often the place where the mother feels safe, comfortable, and secure. When the time actually came to give birth, if you decided that the hospital was the best place, then I really don't see anything wrong with it. If YOU wanted to transfer, then that should be YOUR decision, and I think your husband should just let it go that the birth didn't go as planned. I hope that you are able to find peace.

:
I almost feel envious that your partner wanted an "ideal" birth. Most men I know have no such ambitions! Hard to get them to even read a book on birth! But at this point I do feel he needs to let it go. You were in transition for crying out loud... and it was a first birth. You were overwhelmed and he should not take that personally IMO as he was not the one experiencing the contractions. Some people joke that women call their wonderful partners horrible, unspeakable names during labor and that the partners should never take it personally. Good that he wanted to/was there for you, but he was not in control of things there. He was your support. And this was your labor/delivery. You should not feel like you did anything wrong.
I understand his feeling of frustration in that he could not control the experience, but he needs to let this go.

[rhoneyes]

thank you all for the great advice. I too am really grateful that I have such an invloved husband and father. He never read a book but he listened to what I said and learned. He went to every bradley class. We have talked since then and realized the last time that we were both close to tears and I think there was a silent understanding that we were both a little disappointed and we left it at that.

Since then when the subject comes up he isnt so angry and im not so defensive. It definately went both ways. I felt attacked and he felt left out. but talking it out really allowed him and me to express those feelings. I think he feels I lost faith in him as a support.

so i feel we got passed it..as long as we keep our eyes open for each others feelings. Even with all the medical personel in the room with me it was his face and steady cuaching that I remember

[FullMetalMom]

Originally Posted by whalemilk

I agree with Hollycat. Your job in labor and childbirth is to listen to your own judgement and protect your own well-being and that of your child. It's NOT to provide your husband or anyone else with an "experience," spiritual, emotional, or otherwise. IMHO he needs to work out his disappointment with someone else--say, a counselor--and not blame you or make you feel bad about it. You did nothing wrong. And you didn't take anything away from him. Honestly I feel he's being a bit ridiculous, and if my own spouse laid something like that on me, I'd be pretty angry, and would steer him towards couples counseling. It seems like a very unfair thing to lay on a woman postpartum.

[ghannit]

Originally Posted by rhoneyes

thank you all for the great advice. I too am really grateful that I have such an invloved husband and father. He never read a book but he listened to what I said and learned. He went to every bradley class. We have talked since then and realized the last time that we were both close to tears and I think there was a silent understanding that we were both a little disappointed and we left it at that.

Since then when the subject comes up he isnt so angry and im not so defensive. It definately went both ways. I felt attacked and he felt left out. but talking it out really allowed him and me to express those feelings. I think he feels I lost faith in him as a support.

so i feel we got passed it..as long as we keep our eyes open for each others feelings. Even with all the medical personel in the room with me it was his face and steady cuaching that I remember

Nice...
It's certainly sounding like a good relationship!
If I had been in a position such as he was, I can imagine feeling that way too.

[mwherbs]

Originally Posted by rhoneyes

Hey all...Im at a loss and feel terrible. Daniel expressed to me today how disappointed he is about our birth. We planned a UC but during transition I transferred to the hospital. I just couldnt take it and the fear overwhelmed me. I did not know what to do. its funny cause I didnt know what my body was doing, I had no idea that I was at the pushing point. the pain was so intense that I could not listen to Daniels coaching.

Well we both know now that If I had just relaxed and listened to him that I woud have had my home/water birth. If I had focused on what he was saying then we would have the birth we planned for. But I didnt. Instead medical professionals were the ones I could listen to,

well he feels that his role was taken from him and that he did not get to do what he knew he could do and that is birth our baby. he feels that his role as a father and coach was stripped away from him by the doctors and that I wouldnt listen to him when that was what we planned.

I feel terrible for helping take this awayfrom him. How do I help him resolve this? How can I make his experience like mine? We have gotten into a few arguments about it and it all comes down to: if only i listened to him.

did anyone go through this? how can I help him be at peace?

a woman giving birth needs to be listened to. you were uncomfortable and afraid - it sounds as if you have had considerable trauma yourself. I like that your DH was very involved but there is no guarantees in birth, it is not a performance it is an event unto it's self and you did your best with what you knew at the time. so things we talk about before labor, like how much work it is to have a contraction- it is like lifting a fridge- most men understand after we talk about that, so then they know in the middle of a contraction would not be the best time to talk about much but there is also something else to consider in that analogy and that is that the person carrying the fridge may need to set it down -- yes we may want it all the way up-those stairs but for right now this is how far it is going to go- and we may even revise the plan once the experience has started- this is how birth is done we cannot find fault with mom or baby as far as what they need and you needed a different setting --
now I will say that we have had many clients where dad has so marginalized at previous births in the hosptial that they are not even sure that he should attend the home birth so I can understand that he may have had some extra nudging as far as feeling pushed aside-- so with that in mind he may want to write down what happened at the hospital.Details of the birth, procedures and what the people said any feelings-- bascially the birth through his eyes-- (but doesn't get to blame you, my only rule) then from that story have him consider if there are things that were good as well as what complaints -- can anything be added/edited in? now is there a letter of praise and complaint that can come from this -- if so then a letter could be written an sent to not only the doc(s) but the hospital administrators and the nursing staff ... those are just a few things that can be done--
big hug to you mom--- and take care