Bribing...

[Ligeia]

I'm not sure if this belongs in toddlers or this forum but I am looking for discipline alternatives. We just welcomed our new ds into the world almost 7 weeks ago now and since then, my 2 yr old dd became very defiant. I think it's partially a phase and partially acting out because of the new little one. The thing is, I am with the two of them 24/7 and so, while he does demand attention away from her, I wear him a ton in the sling and give her PLENTY of attention of her own throughout the day as well.
My dh has begun bribing her all the time to get her to comply. He uses candy, ice cream, trips to the park/toy store to play, a movie she likes, etc. I HATE it. I do not think she should be constantly bribed like this; I worry that he's going to turn her into a spoiled brat this way! With me, I try to talk things out with her and get her to listen that way which sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. My dh refuses to stop because he thinks that my technique hardly works and that his always does so why change. Firstly, I'm really frustrated that he just doesn't seem to care about my opinion. Secondly, I just don't have good alternatives to give him to try so I probably do sound like an idiot, I don't know. Can anyone give me some GD alternatives to bribing? TIA smart mommas.

[Daffodil]

What kinds of things are you guys trying to get her to do? I don't think bribing is always terrible, but here the alternatives I can think of:
- Let it go. Let her choose not to do it. Not so useful for toothbrushing or getting strapped into the carseat, but might be appropriate if the battle is over wearing a coat, having a bath, or anything else that isn't vitally important.
- Make it fun. Challenge her to a race or offer a piggyback ride when it's time to leave the park or go upstairs for a bath. Tell stories or sing songs during toothbrushing. Have her clothes call her to come get into them and cry if she doesn't come.
- Distract her from objecting. Say something funny or talk about the interesting thing you're going to do next while you're lifting her into her carseat or putting on her shoes and socks.
- Make it happen, instead of waiting for her to listen and respond. Don't spend 5 minutes calling her to come and get dressed - go to her and start putting her clothes on. Lift her off the table right away instead of telling her multiple times to get off.
- Just insist, calmly but firmly. (This works better for stopping a behavior than for making something happen.)

[forrestguy]

I would worry about bribing with candy because that could lead to issues with sugar later on.

[valkyrina]

Buy your dh a copy of "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn. If that doesn't get him to stop, I don't know what will.

Kohn talks throughout the book not only about how rewards or bribes DON'T work (especially in the longterm), but about how the use of them can be damaging to the way your child views the activities she is bribed to do. This is especially important when it comes to behaviors that you want her to WANT to do.

HTH. It's a good read anyway.

[babsbob]

My second child is now 18months old but I still feel so tired that I resort to bribing and coercion more than I'd like. Sometimes it's just all you can do when you have a new baby and are sleep deprived.

The thing I forget is that making it fun (whatever it is) and being silly almost always works to diffuse a situation and help the kids feel more cooperative. I am always amazed how much easier it is when I am fun and silly. I just wish I could remember it more when I'm tired!!!!!