Sharing: I want everything to myself!

[widemouthedfrog]

My dd is three. I'm unsure how to handle a sharing situation.
My current thoughts on sharing:
It's ok to have special toys that you don't share. Try to put them away before someone comes to play.
It's fine to finish your play, just let the person know that you will give them the toy when you are done.

My dilemma is when dd wants ALL of a certain toy. For example, at the water table she wants to play with ALL of the boats at once (6 of them), even though there are many other children happily playing with them. I think that it is reasonable that she play with 1 boat and each of the other children play with 1 boat.

Of course, when she is not able to control ALL of something, she is upset.

So, what would you do?

[junipermuse]

That is tough. Is the a situation at preschool or at home or both? For me I think I would point out that other children really want to play with the boats too and that they feel sad that they don't have a boat to use. I would really emphasize how the other children are feeling and that it's important for everyone to be having fun and ask her if she has any ideas or solutions. Sometimes that's all it takes and other times a child needs the adult to be more firm. When I was a preschool teacher I sometimes would set a limit that when many children wanted to play with a small group of items, that each child could have two --one for each hand. For some young children it is almost a physical need to have both hands occupied while playing, and each child has two hands and so can't really control more than two boats, cars, etc. at a time. So that for me made a very logical limit. Also even with a limit of two sometimes not everyone who wants to play will be able to, some may have to wait and play with something else in the meantime. It really depends on how many children are there. If the issue is something like blocks or legos you can ask that she take just a few at a time, so she leaves most of the item in a communal place to be shared and takes just what she needs as she builds she me come back for small amounts, no one can take the pieces she has already built only pieces in the communal pot. It also can be helpful to see if she'd like to work together with another child. That way when a child uses a block it's not taking from her structure but adding to her structure. I think it's important to let her know that certain items are meant to be shared and can be used by several people and let her know that she is expected to share those items. Offer her the chance to play with a special item by herself if she is feeling like working/playing alone instead. Wanting to play by oneself is fine, but certain particular items must be shared if they're going to be played with. Just some ides.

[widemouthedfrog]

She's still getting used to preschool, and I don't think that it will be a huge issue there. It's mostly in public play areas or with groups of friends or individual friends.

I like the idea of "one for each hand" - that's a logical limit to me.

I do explain how the other children might feel, but I think that her wanting the toys outweighs any empathy that she has for the others at that moment. It's a pretty big want!

She does a lot of solo play at home and she is an only, so she is used to having control over ALL of the toys most of the time. Except when I decide to be a difficult playmate . However, she does play with the other kids in our complex a lot, so she gets regular doses of needing to share limited quantities of things - and she's now in preschool.

Any ideas from others, too?

[verde]

A friend of mine suggested the idea of "taking turns" when dealing with the preschool crowd. This seems to work a lot better than the concept of sharing.

[hipumpkins]

In our home it is perfectly fine to want...getting however is another story.

anyway...At 3 i would do all the suggesting from above including how the other children feel and then sympathize with the emotion that comes whether anger or sad.
I would let my kid experience it and move on and finish playing when the hurt feelings are done.
Something like,
"Aggh I don't want Leah to have a boat!!!"
"I hear that you are angry. Leah wants a turn, too"
"Noooooo"
"Oh sweetie you feel like you need to have all the boats"
"Yes..not Leah no boats for leah"
"Aww let me know when you feel ready play WITH Leah b/c she does get a boat, too"
Wahh wahhh...ok I'm ready"

I'm not kidding that is how the scenarios go with my 3 year old.


He just needs to let it out..then he is ready to play.

He had a special race car he did not want to share. He held it and played with it and then gave it to me when he wanted to do something else. He said, "mommy hold it..Don't let James have it"
I said, "well if you aren't playing with it right now what might be a fun thing for you do for James?"
He ran over and gave him the car and said, "just don't bring it home"

The 2 boys played race cars down the slide. It was great!

[eunytuny]

I always try to help my 23 month old son "help" other kids learn how something works. Like I'll say "Lets show Janie how to push the boats in the water. Let's see if she can do it herself" and that usually works. Just an idea. It brings out the helper/teacher in him.

[junipermuse]

Originally Posted by widemouthedfrog

She's still getting used to preschool, and I don't think that it will be a huge issue there. It's mostly in public play areas or with groups of friends or individual friends.

I like the idea of "one for each hand" - that's a logical limit to me.

I do explain how the other children might feel, but I think that her wanting the toys outweighs any empathy that she has for the others at that moment. It's a pretty big want!

She does a lot of solo play at home and she is an only, so she is used to having control over ALL of the toys most of the time. Except when I decide to be a difficult playmate . However, she does play with the other kids in our complex a lot, so she gets regular doses of needing to share limited quantities of things - and she's now in preschool.

Any ideas from others, too?

When you're out are they her toys that she doesn't want to share or are they someone else's or do they just belong to the play area? I think I would also let her know that when she is playing at home alone she can have ALL of something. If you're at a playdate and she isn't sharing you can let her know that going home and playing with ALL of something is an option if she isn't feeling like sharing, but if she wants to stay and play with her friends she needs to share. i wouldn't say "If you don't share we're going home" More like, "We need to share at Emily's house because these are emily's toys and she is sharing with us. It's not fun for your friends unless everyone shares. At home when you're by yourself, you don't have to share, but when you're playing with friends everyone needs to share. If it's hard to share today, we could go home if you want, or we could try to find a way to let everyone play together."

If other children are coming over to your house I would ask her help ahead of time in choosing toys that she would like her friends to play with and also putting away toys that are too special to share. Also you could ask her to pick ahead of time which doll she would like and which she plans to let her friend use or which color boat she wants to use and which is for her friend. It might be easier for her to think about sharing when she is relaxed with just you and then you can help her remember the plan she made after her friends have arrived. As for things like blocks and legos you could ask her to help you divide them in to two (or more) groups ahead of time. Put each group into a separte container like a small box or dishpan and then each child can have their own set to play with so no one is taking blocks from another child. I think talking and preparing ahead of time is key because it gives her a chance to practice and rehearse the idea of sharing in a stress-free environment.

I think you're right that her desire overrides her empathy and that is totally normal at that age, but we point it out to children anyway because it helps them to start becoming aware bit by bit that other people have feelings too. This is a long process for children it doesn't happen overnight.

I also think it's so normal for a child not to want to share sometime it's worth letting it go to a degree and just finding something else for the other child to play with. It really depends on each individual situation I guess.

[Ursa Mater]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

"Aww let me know when you feel ready play WITH Leah b/c she does get a boat, too"
Wahh wahhh...ok I'm ready"

I'm not kidding that is how the scenarios go with my 3 year old.
He just needs to let it out..then he is ready to play.

I second that! I think there's the desire to not let the kids get upset at all, but I've learned that the frustration is (usually) short-lived, and they get back to playing. Sometimes my DD will work it out on her own or with the other kids, sometimes they become distracted by another toy, sometimes she's tired and just melts down. It will all depend on the situation, as always. After the initial offering of a solution, I step back a bit and let things sink in, then if the problem persists or escalates, I step in to change the situation. Either the offending toys go away for a break, or DD and I go off for a cool-down and afterwards we talk about it to try to get to the bottom of her reluctance to share.

Sometimes I want it all, too.