help me get it together here!

[jackson'smama]

I feel like I have lost it at my house. I don't know what's happened, but slowly, my almost 4 yo ds has become the king. I am not indicating I'd like to be queen (and my dh king respectively), but this has got to change. For whatever reason (i think alot of things slipped with "the new baby" - but that was 14 mos ago), we're having issues with the following:
*ds want to watch tv or have it on in the background most of the time ON HIS SHOW ONLY
*ds wants to eat in the living room - even if everyone else eats in the dining room, he wants to eat in the living room while watching tv. there are several problems with this, but recently, he's been making a mess while doing it. last night, i was not here at dinnertime and dh said ds spread creamy soup all over the living room in a matter of about 30-60 seconds of his absence because he "didn't want it".
*deliberate disregard for what i say like "don't dump water out of the tub" (i turn my back and it's dumped or splashed out and he'll immediately look at me and say "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to." ????? the other day, we were leaving the park with two warnings (5 minute and 1 minute) and when time to leave, i pick up youngest to head toward car and oldest starts walking the perimeter wall balance beam thing and just looks over his shoulder smiling, knowing i'm wanting him to come with me?????
*NONSTOP begging to buy something. most frequently toys. but sometimes it's just random shopping. "I WANT THAT NUTCHOPPER!" Seriously, he'll throw a fit over a bottle of hand sanitizer at the checkout! this week, it was a pack of 3 books with this little "book reader" thing. my impression was you put the reader on the page and it'll read the book. i said "maybe for your birthday." he asks grandma but doesn't want her to tell me. she says "no". so he moves on to daddy who says "yes" and bought it yesterday (and it doesn't work because you have to buy a separate reading machine that he wasn't aware of anyway .
*lying
*just a general "i want what i want and i want it NOW" attitude with no regard for anyone else in the family.

i'm sure a lot of this is normal borderline 4 year old limit testing and putting out his independence" feelers trying to see where he stands in the world. i'm getting that, but i just don't know how to handle it. i want to be gentle but i just don't know what to do. please help!

[ktmama]

I think it's important to remember that saying "no" and having limits is not antithetical to GD. There are lots of limits in our house, and they serve to set the tone and culture for our family life.

I think it's also important to have meaningful, not arbitrary and inconsistent limits. This truly means the world to kids. Every parenting book I've read extols the virtues of essentially, creating a container for our kids within which they can make sense of the world and define themselves.

In your situation, I would just think hard about what you want your house to be like and which values you want your kids to grow up with. If you want to have family meals around the dining room or kitchen table, then no eating meals any where else. If you want to limit TV or create a more quiet environment, set times for TV watching that make sense. For example, the TV is off during meal time. If you want your kids to grow up giving thoughtful examination to their consumption, set a rule that we don't buy impulse items at the store. And not just them, no one does.

Good luck with this and, oh, expect it to get worse before it gets better. He will definitely test the limits to see if you're serious!

[Unity9]

I would agree with the PP about setting limits for your 4 year old. Also, my understanding is your son trying to get your attention by doing those things. Kids misbehave just because they don't feel they belong. He wants to test your love for him. Showing love in different ways is the key. By spending time together, hugs and kisses, giving presents, empathy when they are hurt ...

My DS is 4 1/2 and DD is 16 months old. I had no problem with sibling rivalry until few months ago. I noticed that he was acting up to get my attention with unacceptable behaviors. So, I decided to set a especial mommy time every day 30-60 minutes It is just DS and me; no one else!! We do whatever he wants to do!! I can see the happiness in his eyes and he gets so excited. Big difference in his behavior by doing this! (Used to play with him all the time but we never called it "especial mommy time" he feels important)

Other tactic is to get him involved in house chores. My son loves to help cooking or washing dishes (even if it means he just splashes water all over the kitchen!) Sometimes, I let him do that while I prepare dinner

Make sure you and your husband are on the same page for parenting. If you say "No" to something your DH should do the same and visa versa. Otherwise, he won't respct you and your rules.

You also might be interested in "virtue parenting" . That is what we are using in our family right now

Good luck dear!

[Ursa Mater]

I struggled with this some, and DD is only 3, but she has on and off gone through bouts of defiance and the "I want it now waaaaaaaaaaah!" I believe in limits, and setting them with pre-event discussions and consequences (like, "you can go into the livingroom, but your food will stay on the table. If you decide to watch TV, then your food will get cold.") You will have to sit through some screaming and crying, initially, but that is the limit-testing. Before and afterwards explain the situation and the boundary, don't try to explain during his objections because he's not in the space to hear or understand you. And make sure DH is in on this with you, even through the screaming part.