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Other Mom's Being Mean...

post #1 of 104
Thread Starter 
I know that I'm pregnant so I'm probably over reacting because of hormones. I just feel very alone. Let me explain what happened today.
I was at church, sitting in the lobby (the chairs in the sanctuary hurt my back these days) watching the sermon. One of my close friends came and sat with me with her new son and another woman who has had 3 kids was with her. They started talking to me about my upcoming birth (I am 31w3d). Someone said something about getting an epidural. I replied that I'm going to have a natural birth, with no medications.
And they laughed at me. They laughed and said "yeah, good luck."
I was embarrassed, I felt naive. So I tried to justify myself. I said "women have been having babies for thousands of years. My mother, grandmother, aunts and cousins have all had multiple natural births. I'm not worried about my ability to give birth naturally."
My friend said, "yeah, I was cocky too."

Because of this conversation, I am now terrified where I used to be confident. I'm anxious where I used to be calm. I need reassurance. Someone please help me...
post #2 of 104
I got those comments a lot, too. And I did go on to have two natural births. I don't think those comments had anything to do with you personally. They were addressing their own feelings and experiences, not yours.
post #3 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama369 View Post
I got those comments a lot, too. And I did go on to have two natural births. I don't think those comments had anything to do with you personally. They were addressing their own feelings and experiences, not yours.
I know, it just hurt my feelings. I feel like no one believes that I can do it. I'm starting to doubt myself...
post #4 of 104
Ignore them, you'll do great! Then you can go back and tell them how awsome you're birth was, and they'll look at you like you have a third eye, but that's ok too
post #5 of 104
I cannot count how many conversations I've had EXACTLY like this. Did you also get the eye-rolling & the whole "you don't know what you're talking about" sigh?

Because of this I refuse to talk about my birth plans with anyone unless I know for sure they will be supportive. I do a lot of nodding & smiling when people start giving me "advice" & just let it pass right through me.

We'll both do great!!!
post #6 of 104
Thread Starter 
Thanks ladies...I know I'm going to do it. I'm just getting more terrified of the pain.
post #7 of 104
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Oh, you'll want the epidural" or "You'll LOVE your anesthesiologist" etc., I'd have quite a few dollars. Don't listen. People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.
post #8 of 104
I'm all hormonal too....

FRACK them and FRACK their stupid opinions!! I'm only 6wks I am will snap the neck of the next person who gives me unwarranted "birth advice" I can only imagine 32 weeks of "opinions" BLAH!!! People should know better by now to not anger preggos...

Honestly, I am more scared of the pain of INTERVENTION then I am the pain of natural birth! My body is equipped to handle a normal birth, not a rushed, medicated "let me put this needle in your spine" birth :
post #9 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommal View Post
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Oh, you'll want the epidural" or "You'll LOVE your anesthesiologist" etc., I'd have quite a few dollars. Don't listen. People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.
Yeah that's true...I can't have an epidural even if I want one anyway. I'm having Corbin in a birth center. If I do have to transfer to a hospital, my husband is under strict instructions to deny medication for me unless I use a code word which only we know.
post #10 of 104
I got those exact same comments. From just about every co-worker mom in my office. Absolutely, those comments are how these women deal with their OWN feelings and have nothing to do with you.
Don't get anxious, get MAD! For me, every skeptical comment I got made me more determined than ever to have a natural childbirth. I wanted to do it because it was the best thing for me and my baby, but almost as much I wanted to prove those skeptics wrong! It was as though I had made a public commitment to go through with this thing, and there was no way I was going to go back in the office with my tail between my legs and admit they were right. This approach may not fit your personality, but I guess it worked for me. I've had two fabulous natural births, and I am so happy I didn't let anyone change my mind or sow doubt in me.
By the way, when I hear women who say "I wanted to try it with out the drugs, but then I just couldn't handle the pain blah blah blah" I have two reactions. One is, "trying" isn't likely to cut it. Of course labor involves pain! If your plan is to just go in there and see how much it hurts and then hope you don't feel the need for drugs, that's pretty much guaranteeing an epidural. In my opinion, you need to be pretty committed to the concept of natural birthing and understand why it is important, as I'm sure you are. The other reaction is, "handling" the pain requires preparation. The pain is there for a reason - it is telling your body what to do, and its helping your baby come into the world. I learned how to handle the pain through classes, research and PRACTICE - lots of practice - prenatal yoga, relaxation techniques, just lying in bed at night breathing slowly and deeply. My sense is that 80% of women barely prepare for birth at all - and I bet, if you're posting on MDC, you are more prepared than anyone at your church ever was!
Good luck and keep your confidence - read all the great natural birth stories here at MDC - you are going to do great.
post #11 of 104
IGNORE THEM! Everyone told me that too. They all said I was "way too big of a wimp", and I'd be "begging for the drugs" Well, guess what, even with pitocin (BAD STUFF, AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS), even with 28 hours of labor, I didn't even have a tylenol. Giving birth is the most exhilirating, empowering thing you will ever do. My birth was very painful, I'm not going to lie, but I did it, and so can you! :

MDC mamas are with you!
post #12 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by meganmarie View Post
I got those exact same comments. From just about every co-worker mom in my office. Absolutely, those comments are how these women deal with their OWN feelings and have nothing to do with you.
Don't get anxious, get MAD! For me, every skeptical comment I got made me more determined than ever to have a natural childbirth. I wanted to do it because it was the best thing for me and my baby, but almost as much I wanted to prove those skeptics wrong! It was as though I had made a public commitment to go through with this thing, and there was no way I was going to go back in the office with my tail between my legs and admit they were right. This approach may not fit your personality, but I guess it worked for me. I've had two fabulous natural births, and I am so happy I didn't let anyone change my mind or sow doubt in me.
By the way, when I hear women who say "I wanted to try it with out the drugs, but then I just couldn't handle the pain blah blah blah" I have two reactions. One is, "trying" isn't likely to cut it. Of course labor involves pain! If your plan is to just go in there and see how much it hurts and then hope you don't feel the need for drugs, that's pretty much guaranteeing an epidural. In my opinion, you need to be pretty committed to the concept of natural birthing and understand why it is important, as I'm sure you are. The other reaction is, "handling" the pain requires preparation. The pain is there for a reason - it is telling your body what to do, and its helping your baby come into the world. I learned how to handle the pain through classes, research and PRACTICE - lots of practice - prenatal yoga, relaxation techniques, just lying in bed at night breathing slowly and deeply. My sense is that 80% of women barely prepare for birth at all - and I bet, if you're posting on MDC, you are more prepared than anyone at your church ever was!
Good luck and keep your confidence - read all the great natural birth stories here at MDC - you are going to do great.
Thanks, I like to think that I'm prepared. But I can't think of how to be. I read natural birth stories and watch hundreds of birth videos. I don't know how to practice birth! Any advice?
post #13 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsdocmartin View Post
IGNORE THEM! Everyone told me that too. They all said I was "way too big of a wimp", and I'd be "begging for the drugs" Well, guess what, even with pitocin (BAD STUFF, AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS), even with 28 hours of labor, I didn't even have a tylenol. Giving birth is the most exhilirating, empowering thing you will ever do. My birth was very painful, I'm not going to lie, but I did it, and so can you! :

MDC mamas are with you!
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind during my own labor. You ladies are so great, I knew if I could just get to MDC that I would be ok.
post #14 of 104
Let their ignorant remarks be even more of an incentive to succeed! Just imagine how good it'll feel when they ask you how your birth went and you can smile and say, "It was great - all natural, no drugs." And then they can EAT THEIR WORDS. Oh yes.

Half of the reason why I love DS2's birth is because I proved everyone wrong who told me I couldn't do it. IN YOUR FACE!

Plus, remember that they're forgetting one important thing - you aren't them. Just because they had an epidural doesn't mean you will. Just because X or Y or Z happened to them doesn't mean it'll happen to you. They're projecting their own birth experiences onto you, and that's not fair.
post #15 of 104
I had cousins laugh in my face for my ideas. But I went on to have two amazing natural births.... so I guess I got the last laugh.
post #16 of 104
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by barefootpoetry View Post
Let their ignorant remarks be even more of an incentive to succeed! Just imagine how good it'll feel when they ask you how your birth went and you can smile and say, "It was great - all natural, no drugs." And then they can EAT THEIR WORDS. Oh yes.

Half of the reason why I love DS2's birth is because I proved everyone wrong who told me I couldn't do it. IN YOUR FACE!

Plus, remember that they're forgetting one important thing - you aren't them. Just because they had an epidural doesn't mean you will. Just because X or Y or Z happened to them doesn't mean it'll happen to you. They're projecting their own birth experiences onto you, and that's not fair.
Thanks, I have to remember too that they were strapped down to a bed on their backs and I will have freedom to move around.
post #17 of 104
DH's cousin actually yelled at me at my baby shower when she found out I was planning an unmedicated birth. How inappropriate and rude, right? But I think it was really just a reflection of her own insecurities and fears. She didn't have the birth she wanted, so she was trying to spread some misery around. It sucks, but it happens. Try not to take it personally, and don't feel bad about keeping people like that at a distance for the rest of your pregnancy. You don't need their negativity in your life. I will certainly never see this cousin in the same light again. I feel sorry for her but that doesn't mean I have to let her bring me down, you know?

You're right when you say that you can do this. All of your female ancestors have done it and you will too. Stay strong and congratulations! Even if they won't support you, we can. You're going to do great.
post #18 of 104
Don't listen... Every birth is different. Not every birth is awful.
post #19 of 104
Get used to it It's the first of many disagreements you will have with other mothers. The difference is- you will grow in your confidence as a mom and at some point it seems the unwanted advice lessens. Those moms were very rude to shoot down your hopes for your birth. Next time say "I know I am new at this, but that doesn't mean I can't have hopes and dreams for my first birth- didn't you?"
You can do it. It was the worst pain I have ever had in my life but it made the end so sweet and the memories so sharp following. I'm very grateful for my birth plan and the nurse that made it possible for me.
Good luck!
post #20 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama369 View Post
I got those comments a lot, too. And I did go on to have two natural births. I don't think those comments had anything to do with you personally. They were addressing their own feelings and experiences, not yours.
This is very, very true!
Quote:
Originally Posted by micah_mae_ View Post
I know, it just hurt my feelings. I feel like no one believes that I can do it. I'm starting to doubt myself...
I believe you can.



As others have said, there's a HUGE difference between walking in to a hospital with a "well, I'd like to go natural (because it'll get me brownie/bragging points/I've heard it's 'best' but I don't know why/my cousin Sara did it and I hate how she smirks at me)", and making a very informed decision to birth without easy access to pain medications, in a place with a low risk of interventions, because you want what you know to be safest for you and your baby. There's a chance you might actually need interventions of some kind -- no matter how well prepared we are, there's always that chance. But you can minimize those odds with your educated choices, and maximize your odds of the best outcome possible -- a healthy, drug-free, no intervention vaginal birth in a mother-friendly and baby-friendly, emotionally supportive and empowering atmosphere.

In the Western medical model of birth, "they" are absolutely right that the odds of you getting that outcome are really, really low. But you know what? You're not following the Western medical model of birth, so your odds are really pretty good. You know what to expect, as much as possible (you know to expect the unexpected, right? ). You know what the range of possibilities are. You know you might need pain medication, and you've arranged a way to have access to that, without having easy access. You will do great!

And next time, tell 'em to stuff it. Or just stuff your fingers in your ears and hum a happy tune. :
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