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Other Mom's Being Mean... - Page 3

post #41 of 104
I heard that so many times : But you know what it was so sweet to be able to go back and say "See I told you so"


I gave myself no options for pain medication it just wasnt something I could do. So that is the thought that got me through.
post #42 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommal View Post
People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.

But how is saying these things any better than saying "you'll never make it through without an epidural?" I will be the first to admit that I had an epidural with my DD's vaginal birth and I had no desire for a natural birth. Just because some women make choices in their birth that differ from yours does not mean that they are unsatisfied with their birth and need to scare and harass a new mom to make themselves feel beter. Because I chose an epidural does not make me weak, does not mean that I "caved", and I am most certainly not defective.

Just because a mom makes different choices in labor than you would does not make her inferior.

To the OP - please do not let these moms scare you - I have found that when women say such things it is usually in a joking manner, kinda schoolyard I'm better than you banter, and I would doubt that their intention is probably not to discourage you from birthing any way that makes you happy. I hope your birth is everything you dreamed it would be.
post #43 of 104
My mom, sisters, and cousin have all birthed naturally, no meds too. As did I. Before Ina was born, I worried a bit about whether it was really as manageable as they said ... like, given all the horrific stuff you see/hear in movies and on TV and from other moms, whether my family was just sugar-coating it for me.

My older sister assured me that really, it is just fine. That when Mom said it was like bad menstrual cramps, that's really what it's like. At least in my family, that's pretty much the way all the women describe labor - relatively quick, like bad menstrual cramps, relax and go with it and you'll be fine. My mom had 7, my aunt had 5, my sisters have had 3, 2, and 1; my cousin has had 1 and I've had two. The description has been true for all of us.

So if the women of your family have said it works - then IME, it's likely that it will work fine for you. Definitely do your research; read about birth, watch the birth videos, make sure you understand how the interventions can cascade and ways to manage pain that don't involve medications .... you can do this!!

The problem is that so many women in our culture today are told that actually, they can't do it. And given that, it's hard for them to understand why you'd want to try. You're bucking that trend.

In terms of preparing, other than the ones mentioned above - I'd say, also, practice consciously relaxing your body (toes, legs, arms, etc.). When I'm in labor, at any time that I feel like the pain is worsening, I've found that it's often because I'm focusing on the pain itself and tensing up. Consciously relaxing makes things so much more manageable! And as others have said - usually the point where you think, "Wow, I see why women want drugs," is usually transition and then you're almost done!
post #44 of 104
Thread Starter 
Thank you everyone! I definitely feel back to my normal self and have more confidence. If anyone else has any words of wisdom, please feel free to share!
post #45 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by hattifattener View Post
You know what's sort of fun, mama? I don't know if you're planning on having a second child or not, but I've really been enjoying the following kind of scenario: someone who doesn't really know me asks what kind of birth I plan on having, and I tell them, and they scoff... then I smile sweetly and say "I'm not worried about it. Natural birth went fine with DD1."

I guess this appeals to me because they start out thinking I'm cocky for daring to think that I could handle a natural birth, but then they might realize that they're a little cocky for making assumptions.
This actually did happen to a friend of mine - someone heard she was planning a natural birth and they said, "Oh my gosh, do you really think you can handle that? I've heard that labor pains are like a hammer hitting your cervix, how are you going to cope with no drugs?" She just kind of raised her eyebrow and said, "Well, I coped just fine with my 44-hour drug-free labor with my first child." The person just clapped their jaw shut immediately and turned away. HA!
post #46 of 104
I got those very comments from two of my co-workers while I was pregnant with ds 1. My water broke and on the second day of my water being broken I decided something wasn't right and I needed to go to the hospital. My ob who my midwife had chosen had had her own homebirths so she was all for it. When I got there she put me on pit right away and suggested I do epidural. I did do it because in the moment I didn't know what else to do. After having my son I felt like such a failure. I mourned the fact that I didn't have my natural homebirth and I know I wouldn't have felt that way as much had it not been for those ladies. I have gone on to have a natural hombirth with my second son and am trying for a natural homebirth with our third. After getting my natural homebirth I realilzed that I am no wimp. I felt very empowered. Hear me when I say this I am one of those people that if I stub my toe I scream about how it's broken. If I can do it anyone can. All births are different. Some women say it wasn't that bad and some say it was. For me it was very painful, but it's one of those things that you just know is a good pain and not a bad one. Okay back to my birth story. I now realize after having my natural homebirth that in the case of my first son having epidural was necessary. I had gone for two days with no sleep and without that epidural I would have never gotten the sleep I needed to push him out. Actually even then I was really weak and they almost gave me a c-section, but I pushed him out just in time with the help of a vaccum. He was finally born after 3 days of being in labor. All that to say, I have no dought you can do it. ANY woman can, but most women are too afraid to try. However if something happens and you do have to be transported and do have to have epidural it does not mean you are weak. You are going to do a great job. When you go into a birth with the decision to have a natural birth more than likely that is what your going to have. About the time you start saying you can't do it and you want epidural, it's time to push anyway. I am so excited for you! I think your an amazing woman just for making the choice to have a natural birth. Do you know how rare that is?
post #47 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeguard View Post
I cannot count how many conversations I've had EXACTLY like this. Did you also get the eye-rolling & the whole "you don't know what you're talking about" sigh?
:

I even got LAUGHTER from my OB's assistant during my dual care. She said, and I quote, "Oh you are, huh?" when I told her I'd be doing it natural. Nearly EVERYONE I told gave me the scary talk. Some women who did it natural (in the hospital) told me to "take the epidural". That WAS scary. I remember feeling like you did, too.

Don't listen but do prepare. The first hour of labor caught me off guard with its intensity - be ready for it to be unexpected. Next time I think I'll do much better with a plan to relax...I thought I'd be able to lay down and relax for hours before "real" labor started but my water broke and contractions started with a WHAM. It took me about an hour to really wrap my head around it and relax into breathing through them. Try to practice your visualization and coping techniques...have several ideas written down, like putting on a specific cd, having a snack, drawing a hot bath. I panicked a bit at first and think a list would have helped my initial tension.

You'll do fine, I promise. It is such an incredible experience and one I can't wait to do again!
post #48 of 104
Pity them, they can't know the exhilaration and pride that comes from giving birth naturally. Deep down, they (or at least the one who said she wanted a natural birth) are probably disappointed in themselves and this is their way of dealing with it - bah.

I actually got a comment like that during my last pregnancy (from a stranger), and got to reply "really? I did ok without drugs the other two times, but I suppose you never know.."
(that one ended up being an unplanned UC, because the midwife didn't make it in time - easiest birth ever).
post #49 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Haselnuss View Post
Pity them, they can't know the exhilaration and pride that comes from giving birth naturally. Deep down, they (or at least the one who said she wanted a natural birth) are probably disappointed in themselves and this is their way of dealing with it - bah.
I gave birth vaginally to my first daughter with an epidural in place - believe me, I do not want your pity. I am not disappointed in myself nor am I any less proud. Statements like this are just as hurtful as what was said to the OP - why can't we accept that we all have a different ideal when it comes to a birthing experience and leave it at that.

A woman does not have to have a compltely natural birth to be proud of herself and her birthing experience. These kinds of arguements do nothing to end the Mommy wars.
post #50 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
I gave birth vaginally to my first daughter with an epidural in place - believe me, I do not want your pity. I am not disappointed in myself nor am I any less proud. Statements like this are just as hurtful as what was said to the OP - why can't we accept that we all have a different ideal when it comes to a birthing experience and leave it at that.

A woman does not have to have a compltely natural birth to be proud of herself and her birthing experience. These kinds of arguements do nothing to end the Mommy wars.
I can see how that comment would offend you. I don't think, and I could be wrong, but I don't think she meant that comment to all women that have had epidurals. I think she meant the comment to be for those ladies that said those comments. I tend to agree that any women that says to another women there's no way you can do it, is probably upset that she didn't. All births are beautiful because at the end you have a beautiful baby. I too had an epidural with my first, unplanned, but it didn't and doesn't make me any less of a person for it. I did have a natural birth and something is definantly missed when you have an epidural. I say that also to clarify what the poster had said. I personally think all of our birth experiences should be celebrated.
post #51 of 104
I'm pretty sure pp's who have said to pity people like that are NOT referring to every single woman who has had drugs in labor, but to women who feel the need to put others down for anticipating a drugfree labor. TCMoulton, I can't imagine you would ever make those kind of catty, fear-mongering remarks. I truly believe that people who DO make these mean-spirited remarks are coming from a personal sense of failure and disappointment with themselves, thus trying to build themselves up by tearing another down. You are satisfied with your birth, you're confident you made the best decision you could for your situation at that moment, and you have every reason to be, so you don't feel the need to lash out at others in that way. Some women do, though. And it sucks when they give in to that temptation.
post #52 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by micah_mae_ View Post
I know, it just hurt my feelings. I feel like no one believes that I can do it. I'm starting to doubt myself...
Gosh, so many of us have been in this conversation I am sure.

Got that from my SIL, my family, other people....

I can only say that there are people out there who for their own personal reasons want to kill your thunder. That's what I learned.

My SIL gave me attitude about 'exclusive breastfeeding' (because you know, though that is what is best people *never do that* etc.). Also, drug free births...because the pain is so bad and nearly everyone is *induced* these days anyhow.

Her opinions were shaped by her experiences. My own brother once said to me breastfeeding doesn't matter other than the colostrom the first few days...which he has medical training (psychiatrist) though in reality he says that because that's what his first two kids got. People can justify things however they want in their mind.

You are strong enough, your body knows how to give birth, you can absolutely have a natural, drug free birth if that is what you choose to do. I've done it three times, plan on a fourth. Take that negative energy from other people and throw it out the window. They're just spewing garbage to bring you down for their own personal reasons.

Being that I have attended LLL meetings and tend to hang with natural people natural, drug free childbirth is the norm around me. Maybe you need to hang around some more of those women.
post #53 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Turquesa View Post
Second that. I'd also add Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. Ina May Gaskin noted that labors were shorter once women had voiced and dealt with their fears. It's even better to get this out of the way before labor.
Read some Ina May! Read happy, natural birth stories. Do you have a doula?

I had a similar experience at my *baby shower* before my first child. I had been very quiet about my natural birth plans, so it wasn't like it was a reaction to me being cocky or anything. These women, some of who had NEVER given birth, started in on how I would NEED drugs, and how awful labor was, etc.

All except for one woman, who said "Not me! I could have given birth in a field!"

So that is what I held on to - that image of a woman so strong and confident that she could have given birth in a field.

I have had two drug free births. They were not easy, and they were not pain free - but they were worth it.
post #54 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by justice'smom View Post
I don't think she meant that comment to all women that have had epidurals. I think she meant the comment to be for those ladies that said those comments.
:

That's how I took it too. It sounds like the women who made these comments were not only being mean, but were aiming to purposefully bring her down. We all here know that there is a time and a place where an epidural can be a wise intervention. But to tear into a woman's plans/beliefs/positive energy about birthing...to me it sounds like these women who made the comments have issues with their own births and their own experiences.
post #55 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by SABE View Post
I got plenty of comments like that when I was pregnant with my first child, and that just motivated me even more to prove them wrong and have my unmedicated birth. Now that I've had three of them, some of the same people act like I have some sort of superhero status, which makes me equally uncomfortable. I guess I'm hard to please!
It's because either way, they're denying you status as a normal, capable human woman. Either "no one can do that" or "no one NORMAL can do that". It's still denying that while natural birth in this culture is something of an accomplishment, what it really is is something 90%+ of all women could do fairly easily in the right circumstances.
post #56 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommal View Post
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Oh, you'll want the epidural" or "You'll LOVE your anesthesiologist" etc., I'd have quite a few dollars. Don't listen. People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.
this so totally proves judgement on both sides and I find this attitude even more sad than the ones that epdiurals are wonderful! I just say each to "HER" own. it's all our own personal choices. I used to get all worked up over it all but you know what? it's so not worth it to even respond with negativity.. especially when it's someone with an obvious agenda. I think many women could use a course in tactfulness.
post #57 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by beka1977 View Post
All except for one woman, who said "Not me! I could have given birth in a field!"

So that is what I held on to - that image of a woman so strong and confident that she could have given birth in a field.

I have had two drug free births. They were not easy, and they were not pain free - but they were worth it.

I *love* that imagery. I met a woman once, who gave birth in a hospital with her first, and really wanted to go natural. She shared with me afterwards how everyone and anyone was hounding her to take drugs at the hospital. She was a little vocal. Somewhere during transition, she told them all where to go LOL. She told me during the roughest time she kept on imagining that mother who gave birth while there was a huge flood in a tree (remember that was all over the news) and kept the picture in her mind. Through the roughest times she imagined the woman birthing.

Well, she had her natural birth, and went on and had two more at home with midwives.
post #58 of 104
ps- giving birth is not a contest
post #59 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arwyn View Post
It's because either way, they're denying you status as a normal, capable human woman. Either "no one can do that" or "no one NORMAL can do that". It's still denying that while natural birth in this culture is something of an accomplishment, what it really is is something 90%+ of all women could do fairly easily in the right circumstances.
It is an accomplishment, I think. Because the system is not set up that way. I have a late friend who had breast cancer during her second pregnancy, and she had chemo done that third trimester. In her case, for medical reasons she needed to be induced. She had a doula there with her, and she made it through her birth without pain medications (her previous birth was natural at a free standing birth center). She shared with me later that the nurse that was on call said to her that she was only the fourth mom she had seen in 20 years go without pain medication. Too me that is kind of scarry.

I know the local hospitals have like 98% epidural rates. They also have 40%+ cesarean rates as well. Not a very good hospital maternity state. We have some hospitals over 50% cesareans.
post #60 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post
ps- giving birth is not a contest
Yeah, I think about it the same way. It's sounds like the women who made the comments have issues with this as well.

I realized once, when I was on a mainstream breastfeeding group, that a LOT of the women really took offense to the fact that I had natural births. And, it wasn't that I even talked about it a lot. We would report our OB/MW visits, etc. I never said anything negative to anyone about their birthing choices, we always offered positive support and well wishing to other women there. Of course, I found *after* the list decided to disband when a few stinkers on there wrote horrible things criticzing other members of the the group as their last post. Of course, myself and another member who had natural births, who didn't circ, were criticized in some of those emails...it was then that I realized that sometimes even by the fact of existance people get offended sometimes. I mean, none of us women who were criticized ever said anything negative or demeaning about anyone elses birth choices, but still they were offended by the choices we made. Which in my book is weird...I mean, you can only control what you do...why care what other people do or what other people think?

I suppose though that sociological trait could be extrapolated to other areas like politics, religion, etc. too.
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