family issues around my secretive birth plan...

[cellarstella]

Wish me luck, ladies... I have to tell my mom today that I don't want her at the birth. I didn't realize (since I didn't tell her) that she assumed that I would call her when I go into labor so she could drive over here. But the other day she was like, "I'll be waiting for that call so I can come and take over with Maddy!" I was taken aback and didn't really respond but I really need to because I don't want her to be hurt afterwards. I hate dealing with emotional crap with my mom. She's so irrational. I get along way more with my dad in the sense!

I already shot down her idea of taking DD away for a few days all the way across town to her cigarette smelling home. They *claim* they only smoke outside but it reeks there. DD has never spent the night away from my side let alone away from home. Can you imagine how damaging it could be to be sent away for several days at the arrival of a new sibling? My mom hadn't even thought of that. Just to give you an idea of why I don't want her taking my DD overnight.

I already made arrangements with both neighbors for DD, the preferable ones have even set up their guest room for her already just in case. I know my mom would be offended that I would choose the neighbors over her, so maybe I won't mention that? I don't know... I just want her out of my business this time. She got to see my first birth and take the world's worst pictures of it, isn't that enough?

I tried to talk to my sister (she lives halfway across the country) about this and she is demanding that I tell my mom because she's also demanding that I tell her when I go into labor, and she doesn't want to have to keep it from my mom. Calling people is not something I want to focus on this birth. I love my sister and don't want to cut her off... but that's kind of where I feel pushed right now.

Oh and also they're both under the impression that we have a midwife, and we don't. They just don't have the fundamental understanding of why I would choose to do birth the way I do. My sister has never given birth; I think she would have a better perspective if she had. Or maybe not... she's told me that she would definitely give birth in a hospital and nowhere else, in case something goes wrong. She's much more cautious (and trusting of authority figures) than I am. I'm content to be in my own protective little cave right now. I don't feel the need to broadcast my plans and my birth to everyone until I'm announcing the new baby, yk? I just don't want this to cause a rift. It's supposed to be a happy occasion. Sometimes I wish I just lived too far away for this to even be an issue.

I just needed to vent to some people who might understand... if you have any advice for me, lay it on!

[Angi]

I think we have the same mother.

You can easily explain the using the neighbors instead of her as "DD would be much closer, and it would be easier to get her over there, and she would be able to be right there afterwords... " And you need to be firm about her not being at the birth.

Or you can just "forget" to call? Or everything went so fast that you didn't have time?

Good luck.

[zinemama]

Not in your ddc, but I don't understand why you have to call and explain anything to your mother.

Just have the baby and call her afterwards. Once the baby is there, that will be the focus, not what's done and past.

[yummama]

you could always avoid telling your mother (And sister) the whole truth. Just say you dropped DD of with the neighbors because you were having a few minor contractions and were just going to go to the hospital for a little monitoring--and then BAM things happened and you gave birth--sorry for not calling!

[Baby_Cakes]

Eeh. Tricky. I'd hate to have a secret like that looming over my head as well. I actually just went though something similar, telling my mom we were homebirthing b/c keeping it from her was causing more anxiety than thinking about dealing with what her reaction might be.

If I were in your shoes, I would compromise. I would tell her that you would call when you were in labor, but there really is no need for her to come pick up or be with Maddy. Tell her you already made arrangements if you feel comfortable with that. She might just want to be let in on the excitement of knowing the baby is coming.

I don't think you need to disclose that you aren't using a midwife. It's one of those things. If people really aren't going to understand, it's better not to stress them out over it b/c their negativity and panic can rub off on you.

Also I just wanted to add that my mom smokes too, and her house reeks (though she does smoke inside and doesn't even try to be discreet about it). I have so much sympathy for you b/c I know whenever I have to go over there for even a small amount of time I feel disgusting and my clothes smell like smoke for the rest of the day. I can't imagine bringing a baby over there at all, let alone letting a child stay there for a few days. I'm with you on that.

[LegalScrapper]

I think we have the same mother. Mine smokes too. And is insistent we call the moment I go into labor - not so she can come help. Nope, that would inconvenience her - it's so she can start worrying. Then call 15 million times to ask for a progress update.

My plan - I'm not calling her when I go into labor. And I'm not telling her that. Why deal with her anger 2x (when I tell her I won't call and then when I don't call). I'm just going to say things got hectic, we got busy and we couldn't call.

I'm also delivering in a hospital where mysteriously my cell phone won't have good reception

Hope things go well and that your mom doesn't give you too much stress.

[Charmie981]

Originally Posted by yummama

you could always avoid telling your mother (And sister) the whole truth. Just say you dropped DD of with the neighbors because you were having a few minor contractions and were just going to go to the hospital for a little monitoring--and then BAM things happened and you gave birth--sorry for not calling!

: (or something like it)

[dimibella]

Honestly I wouldn't call them until after baby is born. Just let them know that you and baby are doing well, that's what matters most. It would be the only way to protect your birth IMO.

[Montse]

Originally Posted by dimibella

Honestly I wouldn't call them until after baby is born. Just let them know that you and baby are doing well, that's what matters most. It would be the only way to protect your birth IMO.

I agree and would follow this course of action :. It would eliminate the countless progress update phone calls and worry from your mom and maybe sister. I like the idea of calling them after your baby is born. Just tell them it happened really fast and you needed to focus.

When I was still in Phoenix, my mom was insisting on being at my birth and it stressed me out to no end. I decided the best thing I could do to stay calm and focused was to call after my baby was born. It would give me a little time alone with my husband and new child before she comes rushing over to meet her! hehe! Now I'm in Dallas and she's already bought her plane ticket! I get 15 days alone with my baby before my mom arrives! WOOHOO!

[cellarstella]

Unfortunately I thought my sister would be more understanding and helpful, and told her too much. They know I'm having a homebirth, that's all fine and good since we faced that with the first birth, just not that I don't have a midwife.

Anyway, I went ahead and called my mom because I didn't want my sister talking to her instead. She was really upset at first but I kept her on the phone until she felt better. I discussed Dr. Sarah J. Buckley and her studies on the effects of attendants on the hormonal process, and I think that actually helped a bit. I also explained that it wasn't about her, it was about protecting my birth process in lieu of my intuition and the research I've done that has really resonated with me. Then we talked about some other issues we've avoided talking about forever. So we agreed that I (or DP) would call her, but she would not come over unless we explicitly asked her to. I know she won't come over until we tell her it's OK. I think I'll ask her to call my sister just so we're not calling anymore than one person.

It's kind of a relief... but gah I really didn't want to have to go through that today and I'm a little spent now.

[cellarstella]

Originally Posted by Montse

I agree and would follow this course of action :. It would eliminate the countless progress update phone calls and worry from your mom and maybe sister.

I will likely not get the countless phonecalls from my mom at this point... but I'm thinking my sister will be calling. We'll probably just unplug the phone.

[daniturtle]

I'm glad it worked out relatively well. It's so exhausting to have to do that kind of thing. Unplugging the phone sounds like a great idea!!!

[lwuertz]

Originally Posted by cellarstella

I tried to talk to my sister (she lives halfway across the country) about this and she is demanding that I tell my mom because she's also demanding that I tell her when I go into labor, and she doesn't want to have to keep it from my mom. Calling people is not something I want to focus on this birth. I love my sister and don't want to cut her off... but that's kind of where I feel pushed right now.

This is me. Everyone in our family just keeps saying how they expect we are going to call them all and tell them when we are in labor. Yeah right! We'll have other things to think about.

[Charmie981]

I was induced in the hospital and no one knew until after he was born, with the exception of people who happened to call that day and needed an excuse for why we weren't able to do something (ie, Jason had a church committment he had to miss, my dad randomly called to see how things were going and if he could stop by the house at which point we had to tell him we weren't at the house, etc). I'm sure people are/were miffed at not being kept in the loop, but we learned with our first child that we didn't want everyone knowing we were in labor (the phone rang multiple times while I was PUSHING b/c no one had had an update for 24 hours!).

[dimibella]

Originally Posted by cellarstella

Unfortunately I thought my sister would be more understanding and helpful, and told her too much. They know I'm having a homebirth, that's all fine and good since we faced that with the first birth, just not that I don't have a midwife.

Anyway, I went ahead and called my mom because I didn't want my sister talking to her instead. She was really upset at first but I kept her on the phone until she felt better. I discussed Dr. Sarah J. Buckley and her studies on the effects of attendants on the hormonal process, and I think that actually helped a bit. I also explained that it wasn't about her, it was about protecting my birth process in lieu of my intuition and the research I've done that has really resonated with me. Then we talked about some other issues we've avoided talking about forever. So we agreed that I (or DP) would call her, but she would not come over unless we explicitly asked her to. I know she won't come over until we tell her it's OK. I think I'll ask her to call my sister just so we're not calling anymore than one person.

It's kind of a relief... but gah I really didn't want to have to go through that today and I'm a little spent now.

I'm so glad it worked out well mama, that is great! Now you won't have to worry about anything else but you and baby and a peaceful labor.

[SkyMomma]

Ok so this is off topic, but I wanted to pass along the info. Earlier in this thread there was some discussion re: smoking. Just FYI, there is some preliminary research being done right now re: 'third-hand smoke', which is chemicals etc leaching or off-gassing from clothes & fabric that have been exposed to cigarette smoke. Wish I could remember where I read this article! But it really struck me at the time as both concerning (I've got family members who smoke, do I want them holdind the baby even when they're not holding a cigarette?) & as making quite a bit of sense.

OP - Not to suggest that you start any new challenges with your mom! I'm glad things have resolved & wish you a very peaceful & beautiful birth.

[alyssatuininga]

Originally Posted by Angi

I think we have the same mother.


Or you can just "forget" to call? Or everything went so fast that you didn't have time?

Good luck.

Originally Posted by yummama

you could always avoid telling your mother (And sister) the whole truth.

This is pretty much what we did to avoid having them here or haing the talk. We just called too late and things happened "really fast".

[chaoticzenmom]

It doesn't sound like you need advice. You've got it figured out...but just one idea ( a sneaky one)

HOw about you tell them that your midwife has said that the baby will probably come about 2 weeks later than you expect the baby to come. Then, they'll stop harassing you.

Positive energy coming your way!

[cellarstella]

Originally Posted by SkyMomma

Ok so this is off topic, but I wanted to pass along the info. Earlier in this thread there was some discussion re: smoking. Just FYI, there is some preliminary research being done right now re: 'third-hand smoke', which is chemicals etc leaching or off-gassing from clothes & fabric that have been exposed to cigarette smoke. Wish I could remember where I read this article! But it really struck me at the time as both concerning (I've got family members who smoke, do I want them holdind the baby even when they're not holding a cigarette?) & as making quite a bit of sense.

OP - Not to suggest that you start any new challenges with your mom! I'm glad things have resolved & wish you a very peaceful & beautiful birth.

Oh, I totally agree! I've always said, "if I can smell it, I'm ingesting it." DH smokes too. He does only smoke outside, and far away from doors and windows... I still wish he'd just stop though.

I told everyone that my due date was "late September, early October, depending on who you ask." My EDD was actually Sep 20 based on conception date + 266 days, but now I've read something that says white women tend to go *on average* 269 days (and I'm all northern european descent). I've been hoping on Sep 23rd anyway, before reading that, so that's the day I'm hoping for.