what do you tell other people's kids? (donor conception)

[theMword]

Our daughter is only 2, and we haven't run into much in the way of particular questions, except the random "Where's her daddy" type stuff, which is easily explained with, "She doesn't have a daddy, she has another mommy." The preschool-and-under crowd doesn't seem to question that.
Yesterday I was at the playground pushing her on the swings, and two older girls (6 and 8, sisters) were pushing their babydolls in the swings next to us. They were very inquisitive and chatty. They wanted to know where dd's daddy was and I told them the no-daddy-two-mommies thing. We live in NYC, so it's not like we're the only queers in town. They wanted to know which mommy's belly she had been in, if she was adopted and so on. I explained dd had been in my belly, but her other mom adopted her. I was vague and I don't think I said anything at all controversial, but I started to worry that they would ask me about how two moms *make* a baby (luckily, they didn't) and I didn't want to get into it about sperm donors and stuff like that with kids I don't know.
Does anyone have a pithy, honest, but not too TMI response that you give to children about where your donor-conceived babies came from?

[eclipse]

My kids (5 and 7)have asked me this question about female couples we know that have kids. They already know it takes sperm and eggs to make a baby, so I just told them that some men donate their sperm to help men who don't have sperm and women who want babies but don't have a man they want to make a baby with (to cover both single women and lesbian couples) make a baby, and that usually a doctor helps hook up the sperm and the egg. I might not talk about sperm and eggs with a stranger child, but maybe use "man parts and women parts" ? I'm not sure, but something along those lines.

[pleasantlyfurious]

My answer is very similar to eclipse's - and I liken it to donating blood.

[lexbeach]

I think what you tell your own kids and what you tell a stranger's kids are definitely two different things. This didn't come up for us until this past spring when a child in my 5-year-olds' preschool class told me that Luke and Jaz had to have a daddy since you need a daddy to make a baby. I said, "well, they really don't have a daddy. They have two moms." And she said, "but how did you get your babies without any daddy?" And I asked, "what do you mean?" And she said, "well, my mom and dad told me that to make a baby the daddy and the mommy have to kiss and roll around, and you need a mommy and a daddy." I said, "huh. Well, you should ask them how two moms can have a baby without a daddy, then." All along I was kind of just hoping that Luke and Jaz would pop in with the real truth (you know, about the owner and the flowers . . . lol (this is in reference to this post)), but they just stood there, silently. Anyway, my response was enough for their friend. If she had instead responded with more accurate information (i.e. "well I know that you need sperm and eggs to make a baby and the dad puts the sperm inside the mom . . . ") then I would have provided more information as well (i.e. "well a nice man, gave us some of his sperm to help us make a baby even though he wasn't the dad").

HTH!

Lex

[FtMPapa]

Lex, so with you!

It's so important to LISTEN to kids first, and figure out what they're actually asking.

For example, some of the 8 year olds at summer camp were very interested in exactly how one transitions from F to M and, unlike adults, who tend to be interested in "How do you take hormones?" and "How many specialists do you have to see?" and "How much did surgery cost?" and stuff like that, they were more interested in things like "How do you know that you were changed from a girl to a boy?"

I explained that it was something I knew, because I had decided to do it, and had asked for help.

They weren't worried about the nuts and bolts, they were worried that someone might have changed them from girls to boys while they were asleep, or before they could remember.

So when kids ask "How can you have two mommies?" they might be asking "Who reads your bedtime story?" because in their house, Dad always reads. Or they might be asking "How did you get sperm?" and the only way you're going to find out is if you listen to them first.

Incidentally, in my experience, kids are generally asking much less than you think they are, and they will be satisfied with much less information than you are able to give them. I'm not saying give them as little information as possible, but it strikes me that kids digest one or two new ideas at a time, and more than that is going to get scrambled and confuse them. Actually, the same is true for adults, more often than not.

I'm also in favor of giving kids accurate metaphors, but not deceiving them - I.e. "stars" as ova, or "seeds" for sperm, but not "When two mommies love each other very much, the stork will show up with a baby."

[tigermiep]

but... but... ftmpapa, isn't that where my baby is coming from????

storks, I tell you.

What's really hard is telling whole group of children who have very different levels of information. With one or two, you can do what ftmpapa said-- listen and ask to ascertain what information they really want.

[theMword]

Thanks.
I think what was worrying me is that
1) I hadn't thought about what I would tell older kids before
2) Since they were strangers, I don't know how well acquainted they are with the mechanics of conception.
Thank you for the reminder to listen carefully to what the child is asking, rather than getting wrapped up in what I am thinking about what the child is asking.

[JenInMpls]

I remember one of the moms at my old school telling me about listening to her son and niece, then both 5th grade age and obviously having a firm grip on the sperm + egg = baby thing, postulating in the car how the heck their teacher, whom they also knew was queer and married to a woman, could be pregnant. Instead of jumping in and explaining, she just zipped her lips and pretended she wasn't paying attention. They actually came to the conclusion on their own that we must have gotten sperm from some man. Then they started thinking about who it could be, guessing of course all of the male teachers at the school, and mom had to work really hard not to laugh.

My pat answer is "that's a great question for [your parents/mom/dad/a grown-up close to you]!" and when I got pregnant I did offer to all of the parents at school to enlighten *them* as to the mechanics of how I got pregnant so that they could explain it to their kid however they wanted, as I was going to turn the questions back to them as parents. I never had any parents ask and I also never had any kids ask. If one of T's preschool classmates asked me and I gave them this pat answer, I would also call the parent to warn them that their kid might be coming home with an interesting question.

[FtMPapa]

Originally Posted by tigermiep

but... but... ftmpapa, isn't that where my baby is coming from????

storks, I tell you.

I'm so sorry Tiger! I did some research - and you're right.

Tiger Cubs are indeed delivered by storks. Here's the complicated part - they're kind of dangerous, since they are large cats and storks are birds, so the storks have to use a special type of baby blanket to carry the cubs in their beaks.

[simcon]

Honestly, I've just said that Maddie has two moms, and if the kids are inquiring further, I've said that our family also had a donor who helped us conceive her. I don't elaborate on what the donor donates or does voluntarily, but beyond that it would depend on my relationship to the parents and the child. I especially like it when older kids ask in front of their parents

If they persisted beyond that, I would probably ask them what they knew about how babies were made, and either go from there or refer them to their parents.

I really appreciate honest questions from older kids, though, and I don't want to come of as at all coy or evasive with them, or to imply that it's only something they should talk with their parents about, so I would try to answer as fully as possible only what they asked with as neutral language as possible (theirs). Their parents might be super uncomfortable if asked, and so convey that something is "wrong" to their kids, and also, I think that other adults can be an important resource to kids. So if asked what a donor does and it was clear that the child did not use the term "sperm," I would probably say something like he was a man who gave two woman the gift of being able to have a baby.... and if they asked how (and didn't know how babies were made), I might tell them that their parents might prefer to explain that process to them.

[tigermiep]

that's right, ftmpapa.

dangerous, my little cublet will be.