Emotional causes of self-sabatoging eating (binging) / control issues - Page 5

[DBZ]

I'm subbing. This is soooooooooo me. I am also OCD.

When I have had a really bad day, I'll eat ice cream with lots of hot fudge. Often two bowls *hangs head in shame*. I have that book "when food is love" that someone mentioned. I should start reading it.

One of my big issues is that I suffer from depression. I'm currently off my meds so the emo eating is way worse. I don't dare weigh myself LOL. I have a new script though so maybe I'll start reading the emotional eating book as it starts to get back in my system.

[sunnysandiegan]

Originally Posted by Sailor

I'm glad I could help.

And I totally understand the part about just needing to surrender to the process. For me, that was the most difficult part. And even once I surrendered ... I had my moments of doubt, and steps backwards. I really had to learn not to beat myself up over taking a few backward steps. As long as I moved more steps forward than back - it was a good thing.

Anyway, good luck to you!

Interesting that you said that! I was just saying almost exactly what you wrote to my breathwork/meditation facilitator on Monday. Surrendering is soooo very hard for me... I am releasing all those pent-up emotions, though, and it is becoming easier and easier to just "be". I never thought I would ever be able to say that and truly mean it. It felt good when he just smiled and said it was all part of the process and that I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing. It feels extra good to hear someone who has gone through this process say the same thing.

I have a question for you, Sailor, if you don't mind. Were you ultra emotional during your healing process? I feel like my emotions are frequently right on the surface and frequently they just spill out in the form of tears or angry words, especially the tears. It's like a darn water faucet that is constantly "leaking". It feels somewhat cleansing, in a way, but it also brings up more emotions tied to negative connotations of crying. Such a mixed message tears bring up for me. Hmmm...

Thanks again, you really are an inspiration for me.

[Sailor]

Originally Posted by sunnysandiegan

I have a question for you, Sailor, if you don't mind. Were you ultra emotional during your healing process? I feel like my emotions are frequently right on the surface and frequently they just spill out in the form of tears or angry words, especially the tears. It's like a darn water faucet that is constantly "leaking". It feels somewhat cleansing, in a way, but it also brings up more emotions tied to negative connotations of crying. Such a mixed message tears bring up for me. Hmmm...

Oh, absolutely. I was VERY "raw" for lack of a better word.

But, in a way it makes sense that you would be very emotional. The holistic/homeopathic doctor (who was also a bit of a therapist on the side, lol) I was seeing told me that for so long I had been repressing and creating a buffer with food ... that, now, everything was coming out. I didn't deal with it then - so, I had to deal with it now. He told me to just let the emotions flow - not to fight them.

Sorry if this sounds weird or kooky ... but, the more weight I lost, the more emotional I became. And, for me, it really felt like the fat I put on were layers separating me from my self, life, etc. So, as I peeled them away, I got closer to me, my emotions, life, etc. Which obviously was going to be emotional. Hey - I said it would sound kooky.

I actually went to a Zen Center for a month. It was the Tasajara Zen Center in CA and I went during a work period - so you worked, and got to stay for free. But, "work" was gardening, pressing tofu, baking bread, etc.

Anyway, one of the monks there told me to imagine my "self" as a deep ocean. The waves flowing back and forth are my emotions. When I have a painful or bad emotion, I should experience/feel the wave flowing out ... but let it continue to flow out, as opposed to receding back into the ocean. Sometimes it took several waves of that emotion to let it all flow out. Sometimes only one. It just depends on the strength of the emotion. The good feelings I should experience AND let them flow back into the ocean. So that the ocean would be filled with happiness/fulfillment/joy/excitement/etc. and only the memories/impressions of the negative emotions remained. But, not the negative emotion itself. If that makes sense.

This was a great meditative technique that I used in the evenings and it really worked for me.

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat. (Btw, I'm in San Diego too ... not sure if that's what your username refers to.)

[sunnysandiegan]

Wow Sailor! It is uncanny how similar our experiences are in some ways. My facilitator, who I also consider to be part therapist LOL, told me nearly the same thing about how I've been repressing my emotions (only certain ones, in my case, but it doesn't matter) so long and now we are releasing them. It is to be expected that I will have "off" days. He encouraged me to lighten my schedule as much as possible during the healing process so I could focus on healing and not have to deal with "bad" days while juggling a lot of other commitments, too. Lightening my load goes against every fiber of my being, but I really, really, really want good health so I am working hard to just surrender and follow along. It seems like an oxymoron to be saying it is hard work to clear my schedule when I stay at home with one school-age child. I'm guessing others on this thread may "get" that it has very little to do with what I "do" and far more to do with who I "am".

The intellectual side of me thinks, um, yes, that sounds a bit kooky (to use your word...LOL) about your weightloss, but other parts of me totally and completely "get it". It sounds a bit scary, in a way, but also reassuring to hear it upfront in case I have a similar reaction.

I did my first solo full session today and it went pretty well. I need more practice, but that's okay. Your meditation focus on the ocean metaphor sounds similar to my breathflow practice, which is basically a more kinesthetic form of meditation.

Yes, my username refers to my location, and I would love to talk to you offline. Thanks! I'll PM you so as not to bore everyone else in this thread.

[Elecampane]

Subbing...just came here to look for a thread exactly like this. I have been really struggling with this issue lately and it's soooo heartening to know I am not alone. I am afraid to weigh myself, afraid to put my jeans on in the morning for fear they will no longer fit. I lost a ton of weight last year but have gained it all back plus some, due to bingeing. Yet I am very controlling, probably OCD, in most other aspects of my life.

I'll be checking out the When Food is Love book...

[kamesennin]

Originally Posted by Elecampane

Subbing...just came here to look for a thread exactly like this. I have been really struggling with this issue lately and it's soooo heartening to know I am not alone. I am afraid to weigh myself, afraid to put my jeans on in the morning for fear they will no longer fit. I lost a ton of weight last year but have gained it all back plus some, due to bingeing. Yet I am very controlling, probably OCD, in most other aspects of my life.

I'll be checking out the When Food is Love book...

I don't have anything scientific on this, but I would bet a lot of emotional eaters/bingers have obsessive personalities. I know I do. I get caught up in projects and just need to finish them, or get started on new things all the time. I don't abandon unfinished things to start other ones, but I definitely have A LOT of things going on.

[GouGou]

Originally Posted by kamesennin

I don't have anything scientific on this, but I would bet a lot of emotional eaters/bingers have obsessive personalities. I know I do. I get caught up in projects and just need to finish them, or get started on new things all the time. I don't abandon unfinished things to start other ones, but I definitely have A LOT of things going on.

Actually there is a relatively new line of thinking within psychology that there might be a connection between ADD and binge eating. People with ADD have difficulty with understimulation. It makes sense. You're a mom. You spend all day doing these repetitive, somewhat mind-numbing (albeit important) tasks, but you, yourself, are understimulated and kind of depleted. At the end of the day, food is really easy to reach for. And because it's not in response to physiological hunger, per se, it's hard to stop at a point of physiological satedness.

There may also be an "emotional" component to all of this. But that can't be all of it, because there are enough people who, when faced with the same emotional challenges, lose their appetite and drop weight.

It's a very multi-dimensional issue.

[Nickarolaberry]

Couldn't read this thread and not post. I could have written the original post.

I struggle with this so much. And in trying to model good eating habits to my kids, because I don't have them. It doesn't help that dh is unfailingly healthy, a triathlete, a healthy eater, and oh yeah, a bariatric surgeon (does gastric bypass surgery) and sees every day the health effects of obesity -- thus nagging me, all the time, about my eating habits.

I'm a perfectionist, first born, high achieving daughter of a mom who is obsessed by weight/calories/thinness etc. and a achievement-oriented dad. Huh.

I am not very overweight, maybe 15 lbs. It's enough, and I'm on a mission. I have started running again (after a 2 month hiatus due to pneumonia). But everything else always feels like I'm juggling so many balls and I have this awful sweet tooth...I hide behind the kitchen cabinets

[JayGee]

Originally Posted by GouGou

Actually there is a relatively new line of thinking within psychology that there might be a connection between ADD and binge eating. People with ADD have difficulty with understimulation. It makes sense. You're a mom. You spend all day doing these repetitive, somewhat mind-numbing (albeit important) tasks, but you, yourself, are understimulated and kind of depleted. At the end of the day, food is really easy to reach for. And because it's not in response to physiological hunger, per se, it's hard to stop at a point of physiological satedness.

There may also be an "emotional" component to all of this. But that can't be all of it, because there are enough people who, when faced with the same emotional challenges, lose their appetite and drop weight.

It's a very multi-dimensional issue.

All of this resonates with me. I find that the times I am most likely to binge are those times when I am just plain exhausted by the mundane-ness of my life ~ make dinner, fold laundry, play doggies, go to the bus stop. It's like I can't stand another minute of it, so I eat, to make it a little more interesting !

I actually am one of those people who can't eat when things get emotionally difficult. When I was having some health issues last year, I dropped 10 pounds because every time I looked at food, I felt sick. So, I guess I eat from boredom more than anything. And frustration. Not anger. Not sadness.

Maybe I should be asking myself how to make my life a little more interesting !

That said, I am now 12 days binge-free .

[spughy]

I haven't read through this whole thread yet. I will, because I see a lot of what I've been going through here, but I wanted to share my experience -which is actually slightly different because I am decidedly NOT a perfectionist or OCD or anything like that, I'm pretty laid-back - and tell you about the "a ha" moment I had listening to a radio program last night.

I'm overweight - not morbidly obese, but chubberific. I eat too much, and I can go for several days being "good" - ie, not snacking (it's the snacking that gets me, I can eat perfectly normal meals and stop after them, but if I start snacking I don't stop until I feel ill) - and then for whatever reason - usually someone offering me something - I'll fall off the wagon. And I think about food A LOT. I will plan what treats I will get myself, even to the point of sneaking something into my grocery order in such a way that DD won't see it. I will practically force her to have a nap so I can snack. I let DH do bedtime ALL the time so I can munch while he and DD snooze, and I'm actually grateful it takes her half an hour or more to fall asleep and that DH usually falls asleep with her because I can stuff more food in.

Sometimes I have treats because I had a bad day, but more often it's just because they're there... either in the store and I might not see them again (ha) or in the fridge and it's something that might go bad (ie, leftover Chinese food, cheese, etc.) I don't have a whole lot of stress in my life, it's pretty good. I have a lovely daughter who is mostly well-behaved and easy to get along with, I have a husband who works too much and isn't getting his ass in gear about applying for the jobs he really wants, but that's pretty much the worst I can say about him, he's a fantastic dad and a great partner and I just like being around him. My ILs take my DD two days a week so I can do errands and volunteer work, I have a lot of really good friends (yes, including some I will talk to about this), I'm close to my mom and sisters (dad is deceased) and overall, I have very little to complain about.

But still I eat, for no good reason. Except, I think I figured out why, I just am not sure how to fix it. Last night I was listening to the podcast of the CBC show "Quirks and Quarks" and they interviewed a researcher who was looking at whatever area of the brain lights up with pleasure stimulus (forget exactly where that is) and examining obese vs normal weight individuals. They expected to find that obese people were getting more stimulation in the pleasure centre from food, but instead they found exactly the opposite. So, it seems that obese people eat not because food gives them pleasure but because it DOESN'T. The brain fully expects a pleasure hit from food, then when it doesn't get it, it says "oops, better get more."

This totally explains SO much about my eating habits. Why I can stop after a normal meal (because it's just about regular eating at that time of day, not so much because it's phenomenally tasty) but after a snack or a restaurant meal, I just want to keep eating. Why I can look at the cookie or cheese and cracker or bread or whatever and say "I don't need this. There is no reason I should eat it." and then eat it anyway.

I don't know exactly how to stop this. I've been reading online and a lot of the overeaters who have successfully stopped seemed to do so by completely eliminating trigger foods, which seem most often to be of the refined carbohydrate variety. And I know these foods aren't good for me, but I struggle with both the idea of giving them up forever and displaying restrictive eating habits to my DD - although I think self-restricting for health reasons, and not seeming sorry about it maybe isn't unhealthy? I don't know. I do know I have to do something.

And even knowing this, after DH and DD went to bed I ate 2 slices of toast liberally enhanced with gooey camembert-type cheese, plus a couple cookies. Yay me.

[MeloMama08]

Originally Posted by spughy

I ate 2 slices of toast liberally enhanced with gooey camembert-type cheese, plus a couple cookies. Yay me.

"liberally enhanced!!!" LOL true. A lot of my worse food transgressions fall into the category of foods being liberally enhanced. Like when I have a healthy apple and peanut butter but "liberally enhance" the PB with mushed up brown sugar.

Annnnnyway I am so heartened to see the popularity of this thread. I am at a point right now where I don't even try not to eat garbage... It's really bad. I have some light PPD issues and I am at home all day with the baby so I just eat whatever garbage I feel like. It's terrible. My self-esteem is dropping and I'm starting to hate my body more than ever before. Yeechhh. It's so easy to just buy clothes for the baby and ignore the fact that I dont fit into anything. in the store. The self-loathing is always fuel for the overeating fire...

[texmati]

MeloMama, thanks so much for starting this thread... I'm also at the same point as you... just given up

[momatheart23]

I just saw this thread and it spoke to me so much. I am a first born perfectionist who had been able to leave an abusive marriage, get off welfare, start a successful childcare business, raise children that are turning out amazingly well in spite of the challenges of all of this, and then get into a healthy relationship and pretty successfully balance a blended family with teenagers, (this isn't just bragging, I swear).
The thing I could never control was my eating and my weight. I knew all about nutrition, doesn't mean I would follow it. In fact the "better" my life got in all other areas, the worse my weight got. In fact I went to my holistic chiropractor and told him I was eating better and better, but my weight wasn't changing at all, and he told me my weight personally was more related to stress than what I was eating.
So I started school to be a clinical hypnotherapist, and the first month when we weren't even talking about weight or doing stuff related to that, my weight dropped ten pounds, and it was because I was doing meditation every day faithfully. Then when we did the module related to weight, and we did this dissolving technique where the old body image is dissolved away, I literally felt all the pain and negative emotions relating to it go away with it. My weight personally had been related to a rape when I was 14 and ever since that day, I had felt this heaviness descend upon me, and that day I actually felt it go away, it was the craziest experience. So now I have gone from a 18 to a 12, and it is still going, and I know it will stay because the emotions relating to the weight went too, so I am not at a core level scared to be thin anymore.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by momatheart23

So I started school to be a clinical hypnotherapist, and the first month when we weren't even talking about weight or doing stuff related to that, my weight dropped ten pounds, and it was because I was doing meditation every day faithfully. Then when we did the module related to weight, and we did this dissolving technique where the old body image is dissolved away, I literally felt all the pain and negative emotions relating to it go away with it. My weight personally had been related to a rape when I was 14 and ever since that day, I had felt this heaviness descend upon me, and that day I actually felt it go away, it was the craziest experience. So now I have gone from a 18 to a 12, and it is still going, and I know it will stay because the emotions relating to the weight went too, so I am not at a core level scared to be thin anymore.

First of all s Mama. Congratulations, I'm glad you found something that worked for you and what a great job you've done getting your life on track!!!

Just wanted to say that your post spoke to me because I've also overcome a ton of hardship and was always very active and a good weight. But since I've had two children with all the stress that entails, relationship issues with dh, working through my past (issues that have resurfaced), blah blah blah, my weight is UP. I have never been this heavy in my whole entire life. 5'4" and 200 lbs. : I really believe it has to do with the stuff I'm working through around being a good enough mother, learning to control my emotions, depression/anxiety stuff, etc. What's embarassing is that most people know me as slim/normal but now I'm big and I know people are wondering. Oh well.

[momatheart23]

Yeah what was weird for me, is when I was in my abusive relationship with my ex, I got big, but size 14 was the biggest I ever got. Then when I was single and getting my life on track, and everything was going good, I went up to an 18. I never understood why, and then this holistic chiropractor I mentioned earlier did this test on me. He had me imagine myself in a dark tunnel with no light at all, he told me to hold my leg straight and he pressed on it, and my leg was strong. Then he had me imagine myself in the same tunnel but with a little light at the end. Then he pressed on my leg again, and I lost all my strength.

I couldn't understand it at all. Why was I more comfortable and strong with no light at all then with a light at the end. Then later in my class I realized that right before the rape, my life had everything on track, everything was the best it had ever been, this was the beginning of high school. Then it happened and nothing was ever the same.

So basically the better my life got now, the more scared I got. So the hypnotherapy helped me work past all of that. It is amazing how certain life circumstances will just trigger emotions. It definitely can be frustrating. I hope you figure out something that works to move through it all.

[Pariah]

So I've been reading Intuitive Eating, and I really don't like it so far. The method (eat what you what, when you want, and your body and mind will adjust because it won't think it is about to be starved/put through a diet again) seems like a set up for failure.

[JTA Mom]

I haven't 'binged' in a long time. Well, not the crazy, compelled eating drives I used to get.

However, I eat way too much, and too much of it is crap I *know* isn't good for me. I used to be able to cook healthy, to go to the Gym, to lose weight. Now I feel so stuck.

Part of it is dealing with depression, especially after losing my first son. I gained quite a bit of weight (10lbs with the preg, 10 more afterwards, then got preggo with ds2, gained 38lbs--bad birth experience, NICU stay, colic with at traumatized baby--ugh). I'm currently 18lbs above my pre-prego weight with ds2. 48lbs above my pre-prego weight with ds1. I feel HUGE. Like a Cow. And feeling huge doesn't help my eating.

I contemplate joining a gym, but in this economy, I feel bad about adding on a monthly expense. I think I will though. I need somewhere to go away from family to recharge. I feel so drained and exhausted. I never recharged from losing ds1. Now that ds2 is a bit older, I feel like I can get on track again.

I do best with a schedule. Anyone else? It's when things get hectic that things spin out of control. Oh, and if I'm sad too? Lol, here comes a bar of chocolate to make me feel better. I'm definitely an emotional eater. I used to binge, but nowadays, I just gravitate towards crap if my feelings are all over. So before I might eat a HUGE salad, followed by chicken, brown rice, bread rolls, and dessert. Now it's pasta with a bit of butter. So no major 'stuffed' until I explode all day long type of binges.

The thing is, we live with MIL. And with her around, I feel a ton of pressure to NOT cook. Like I annoy her when I cook by 'dirtying' up the pans. Seriously, it annoys her when pans get dirty. 'Cuz you know, they are just to look at.
Of course, then I found the crockpot & it did wonders with giving me healthy food to eat. She didn't like that either because she felt 'left out' since we'd cook it late (dh gets home around midnight from his job), and she wouldn't touch the leftovers. I think I'll just ignore her. She thinks nothing of going out & bringing home fast food--for herself.

Ok, end of intro & rant. lol

Ami

[spughy]

I dunno if it'll help anyone but I have a blog that I started a while ago detailing my weight loss/overeating struggles...

I've been doing really well the last week. I think reading this thread and realizing I'm not the only supposedly normal person who just eats vast amounts of inappropriate food helped.

[academama]

I am seeking a new therapist to help me with this problem.

I was so stressed out about the election that it was even worse than usual this past week--I just felt driven, like I couldn't help myself even when I was trying to change the "script" and ask myself, "do I need this? Do I want this? Will I enjoy this?"

[JayGee]

I've actually been doing really well with bingeing lately. I haven't binged in 24 days now . I joined an online group through Sparkpeople called Living Binge Free and it's really helped to know that I'm accountable to another group of people. They have 21 day binge free challenges that I'm involved in and a shortish chunk of time like 3 weeks is easier to manage somehow. Heck, I even made it through Halloween without eating my way through all the candy as I usually do. Would anyone else here be interested in a binge-free challenge like that? I doesn't have to be 21 days. A week, 10 days, whatever. It's just a goal to work towards and a group to keep you accountable.