PPD and grief

[foxtrot]

I've post in the past. I'm struggling with PPD. Tried Zoloft and had such a horrific experience (became suicidal on it) that I'm NOT trying any other medications at this time. I'm trying to get through this with therapy only. I'm doing okay. I'm coping and getting through my days. DD is 11 months now.

My problem is that I truly feel that much of my PPD is grief related. I had a rough pregnancy with DD. I was nauseous the entire 9 months so that meant I spent a lot of time lying on the couch while DS (who was 4 at the time) watched tv. I'm now struggling with overpowering grief at feeling like I lost an entire year or 2 of his life. I cry every day at what I feel I missed during that time. I feel almost desperate to have DD be 4 so that maybe I can relive some of what I missed through her (though I know she is a different person and it won't be the same). I feel like I missed all of his pre-K year. So many things I dreamed of doing with him before kindergarten I did not get to do firstly because of the pregnancy and then the next year because of the PPD. He is in kindergarten now. Full day. He's gone. My time of him and me is over and I can never have it back. I feel so robbed of that last 9 months with him during my pregnancy and robbed of the next 10 before he started kindergarten because of the PPD. I would give anything to just have a day with him as a 4 year old again just so I could live that time the way it should have been lived.

And then I would give anything to STOP thinking this way. I mean, it's over. It's done. He's 5. He's in kindergarten. I can't have it back.

Anyone else experience PPD more as grief than anything else? Any ideas on how to change my thought process?

[hedgewitch]

I experienced some ppd/grief with regards to the way my son was born and the fact that he couldn't nurse so I had to express etc. It is also something I'm expecting to deal with as my mum just died and I'm pregnant. Life doesn't work the way we expect, it just doesn't. I thought I would share both my kids with my mum but I won't. The thing is there is nothing we can do about what has gone, we have to be where we are. The more you worry the more you are likely to create the distance you are afraid of.

Focus on what is brilliant about your family, get some great pictures from those years in an album and remind yourself of the good times. If you really are more concerned about your son and what is good for him then be the mum you know you can be now. Let your need to care for him pull you away from the regret which will help no one. We are none of us perfect, we can only do our best with what we've got.

Good luck and hugs to you x