Totally bummed out

[punkrawkmama27]

I am really kind of sad, almost to the point of crying. We are planning a homebirth for November with a great midwife. This will be my 4th birth and my 1st homebirth. I have had mixed feelings sometimes. Most times I am so excited and cant wait, other times I read things online about dangerous outcomes, or my less than thrilled family and inlaws say something is going to go wrong, then I start to feel anxious and scared and I start thinking something is going to go wrong with the baby.

Last night I emailed my childrens pediatrician and explained that I was having a homebirth and that I want to see him right away for the first visit. He emailed me and said that he would [B]NOT[B] see the baby because I am putting the baby at great risk by having a homebirth and pretty much he would not support me. I just started crying because for one thing my children love this doctor. He is a good doctor to them. He has good Chrisitan values and though he didnt agree with my co-sleeping arrangement, and he sticks to a very strict vaccine schedule or else you are gone, he has been very good to the kids. The other thing is now I am going back and forth again, is this a good choice, am I really putting the baby at risk? I have been reading lots of birth stories on here and have been reading books from the midwife. They make me feel positive about the upcoming birth.

My midwife suggests that I find a family doctor that is supportive of homebirths for the baby, children, and rest of the family.

[Changed]

Originally Posted by punkrawkmama27

He is a good doctor to them. He has good Chrisitan values and though he didnt agree with my co-sleeping arrangement, and he sticks to a very strict vaccine schedule or else you are gone, he has been very good to the kids.

I'm left wondering what's so great about him. His values have next to nothing to do with the healthcare he should be providing...your cosleeping or birthing arrangements are none of his concern...he's inflexible about vaccine requirements and doesn't allow those decisions to be made by parents. I'm sure he's a nice guy and your kids may well like him but on the flip side, you may actually find a Dr. who respects your decisions as a mother AND is nice to your kids.

[MsBlack]

I agree 100% with your midwife!

No matter how much you like this doc, no matter how much your kids love him, he just abused his power in your lives and that is NOT good, not appropriate in the least. He first of all is not hired to be your judge, but only to provide the care you seek. It's ok for him to have boundaries (like a vax schedule he believes in), but not ok to dictate your life. He is a doctor, not god, or your preacher or your boss. Secondly he is clearly and blatantly speaking from ignorance of homebirth! And this is another element of his abuse of power. He has his own permission to speak THAT forcefully to you, even though he clearly has not done the research--his sense of his own power in his clients' lives is out of control.

Try to imagine that as much as you/kids like him, that if you open up to it you could find someone you'll like even more. Someone with a great deal more respect for his clients than your present one has, someone who may even be a lot more flexible about all matters that pertain to informed consent and the rightful domain of parental authority--like vaxing.

Don't let him get you down! He is wrong in so many ways to have said those things. Really. And hard as it may be to face losing him and looking for another you like so well, maybe this little crisis is just the opportunity you need.

good luck! trust yourself!

[GOPLawyer]

Um...yeah...I TOTALLY agree w/ the pp.

It sounds like this is a blessing. I would *never* stick w/ a doctor who was so disrespectful of my wishes.

Being nice and Christian do not necessarily equate to being a good doctor.

[Georgetown HB Mom]

I agree with all of the other posters. I would not take my children to a doctor that would try to force his opinions on me, no matter how nice he is. I am their mother and I will choose what I think is best for them. Also, he has obviously not done any research on homebirth. I would email him back and ask him for scientific facts saying that I am putting my baby at risk. Maybe take this moment to try and educate him on the safety of homebirth. Also, your midwife will do a complete newborn exam. There is no reason to take your baby to the doctor right away unless something is wrong. After my homebirth I did not take my baby to the doctor until she was four months old and only then because she was running a fever and was congested.

You will have a great homebirth. You are doing the best thing for you and your baby.

Take Care,

Lisa
Homebirth mom, senior midwife student

[wbg]

nak. leave this hcp! this will be a blessing in disguise! you need to find a supportive hcp. my pediatrician was very supportive of my home birth choices. When we discuss vax or vitamins, she always listens to my concerns respectfully. Even when we don't agree she will say how she feels without patronising me. She treats me with respect and it makes it easier for me to trust her judgement knowing she is open and respectful. She is respectful of my choices and i in turn respect her medical expertise. and my kids adore her!find a new doctor and trust yourself and your birth. all the best

[MommyofHero]

UUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!

i HATE it when doctors think that we are too incompetent to give birth to our own babies! sorry to sound critical of your doctor, but SCREW HIM!

what exactly are you so scared of happening at the homebirth? you will have a medical professional present and if something horrific really does go wrong, you can transfer to the hospital, right? even so, you have to understand that the things you choose to believe have tremendous power on the outcome of your birth. for example, if you allow fear of something going wrong at the birth overwhelm your thoughts, something probably will go wrong. it's called a self-fulfilling prophesy. excessive anxiety alone can cause "complications" during childbirth. take the next 2 months to focus on releasing these fears, and don't believe the negative things you hear from other people.

since i'm not vaccinating my baby, i won't be bringing her to the pediatrician unless she becomes sick at some point. i hate doctor's offices! my midwife will be giving her at-home checkups til she's 2 months old.

just don't be too surprised to hear doctors bash homebirths. of course they don't agree with it-- they thrive in the medical/pharmecutical industry, after all.

if you've already had 3 babies, you shouldn't be questioning your ability to give birth safely anyway, in my opinion. i'm going to be a first-time mother, due in November, and i'm totally confident my homebirth will be safe and beautiful. (i've written affirmations all over my bedroom wall so positivity will sink into my head, and that has truly helped!!

good luck, mama

[srneda78]

Originally Posted by Changed

I'm left wondering what's so great about him. His values have next to nothing to do with the healthcare he should be providing...your cosleeping or birthing arrangements are none of his concern...he's inflexible about vaccine requirements and doesn't allow those decisions to be made by parents. I'm sure he's a nice guy and your kids may well like him but on the flip side, you may actually find a Dr. who respects your decisions as a mother AND is nice to your kids.

:

It seems like he's being really paternalistic and patronizing. Like you are not on his "level" so somehow you aren't capable of making your own decisions for your family's best interest.

I am having my first child soon (at home). It is common to have some nerves about it. But it seems like you are doubting yourself based on some online sources and family comments. You said you read good homebirth stories and bad homebirth outcomes. There are always going to be situations with unforeseen circumstances. The truth of the matter is that homebirth has a proven safety record. Your mw is trained to know when transfer is necessary.

One thing that I read recently in "Birthing from Within" is interesting. The author says that women who plan homebirths but deeply feel that the hospital is safer (even an unconscious feeling) may not be able to give birth at home (i.e. labor will not progress). If you really feel a hospital is safer for you, you might just want to plan a hospital birth as naturally as possible. Otherwise, work through your fears and tell the unsupportive people in your life that you don't need their disrespect and negativity. (BTW, I'm not saying that you feel that you can't do it at home; I'm making a general comment that sometimes women do feel safer in a hospital for some reason. I had to examine my own thoughts on this because I have some nerves about birth in general.)

You deserve to have the birth that you want -- whether it's at home or in a hospital.

[TCA2008]

I hope you will write him an educational letter letting him know how safe homebirth is - I'm sure your midwife can offer some articles/statistics. Also suggest he watch the Business of Being Born to learn more. Homebirth is the norm in many European countries. He needs to be educated about how normal, natural, and safe it is. And if he still doesn't come around, then perhaps you should seek out alternative care for all of your children, and make sure he knows why.

[WeasleyMum]

ITA with the other posters. His sharing some religious values with you and treating your kids well is not as important as actually respecting you, doctor-to-patient, person-to-person.

IMO it would be better to have a doctor with competely different religious views from you, but accepts your parenting methods, personal ideas on vaccinations, homebirth, and etc., than the current arrangement, since those things are more relevent to the relationship in question.

ETA: MOST pediatricians are pretty good with children, or else they really suck at their job!

[cathicog]

Originally Posted by punkrawkmama27

I just started crying because for one thing my children love this doctor. He is a good doctor to them. He has good Chrisitan values and though he didnt agree with my co-sleeping arrangement, and he sticks to a very strict vaccine schedule or else you are gone, he has been very good to the kids.
My midwife suggests that I find a family doctor that is supportive of homebirths for the baby, children, and rest of the family.

That doc has his agenda on his mind, more than your childrens' health, I fear. I totally agree w/your midwife, find another ped that is hb friendly, quick! And you might want to do more research on vaccines and thier possible side effects, as well. Your kids will probably adjust well to whomever you pick. You will be amazed at the difference homebirth makes, really! it is a whole other (positive) universe, and I would do it again, tomorrow...

[Juvysen]

Geeze... if he doesn't go with evidence-based decision making on this, what else doesn't he bother with evidence for...

[ChristSavesAll]

Ok I agree with other posters on here but I would like to add a few things... You said he has good Christian values, are you a Christian? I am a Christian and I just had my first UC, just my mom and hubby, oh and ds (4). I got so much attitude about it from just about everyone, but I was surprised that I got the most from the people at my church. It's like, trust in God... except for ____. Before we had doctors, God was our sole medical provider, everything was brought to Him in prayer. Why? Because He is in control. Pray and God will give you peace.

You do need to keep in mind that for each person there is a time to live and a time to die. Long before we were born or our parents or even grandparents, God knew which children He would bless us with at what time and when He would take them back.
Aside from intentionally trying to kill your child, there is nothing you can do to take their life, when it's there time to die that's it, nothing can be done.
Things can go wrong, but they will whether you are in a hospital or at home and they will be handled differently at each place. I studied up on the things that could go wrong and learned how to handle those situations, perhaps it would help you if you educated yourself on what to do in those instances.

You said you read some bad outcomes for homebirths? Have you read the bad outcomes in hospitals? Read some of those horror stories and you will think twice before ever walking in a hospital again. I read one story recently that is just appalling, look in the healing birth trauma forum. I'm not anti-hospital but I will not go there unless everything else has been tried first.

[punkrawkmama27]

Thank you for all the replies. I just want to start off by saying, that I am so excited to have a homebirth. I had never even know that women were still having homebirths until after the birth of my last child. It was a normal hospital birth, but the way I was treated afterwards by the nursing staff and lactation consultant at the hospital was terrible and no one would listen to me, except my mw, so I am very happy and looking forward to having this baby at home.

As for the doctor, I should have put in more of why I respect him as a doctor. He is a teaching doctor as well at the university out here and has won many awards for his teaching. He is always in the paper. I never really thought of him as arrogant, but now I am beginning to see that he is and has been. I will be looking for a new family doctor for the family.

I just wish that I could get support out here. I have some friends that have birthed at home and their wonderful experiences are so uplifting, but the majority of people I talk to tell me that I am putting the baby in danger. To hear it come from the doctor really hit hard at first, but now I am kind of understanding why he said it.

[knitted_in_the_wom]

Originally Posted by GOPLawyer

Being nice and Christian do not necessarily equate to being a good doctor.

Ummm...yeah!!!

I'm a conservative Christian...and it sometimes really drives me nuts when Christian women think that just because their Dr. is a conservative Christian, said Dr. walks on water. Here are just some examples of problems I've observed with "Christian" Drs in my community:

*the OB/GYN I saw for years prior to pregnancy and for my first pregnancy stripped my membranes without asking my consent first. I didn't want it done--I thought he was just checking my cervix for dialation/effacement until he said "now what I'm doing might cause you to start having contractions sometime in the next 24 hours." Then when I showed up in labor the next morning (contractions actually started that night--surprise, surprise), he informed me that he would be going off call at 7 a.m., and a Dr. I had never met before would be attending my birth. WHY IN THE HE*& DID YOU STRIP MY MEMBRANES THEN??? This same Dr. and his partner have been the care providers of choice for 4 of my clients--all of whom I've warned about the issue of them having other Dr's taking call for them at least 50% of the time...but of course all 4 of those women were SURE that they were special and their OB would show up for their labor ("after all, he caught me!" one of the women stated). 3 of them birthed with "Dr. Stranger."
*a female Christian OB (who was working at the practice I went to during my first pregnancy, she has since moved on, and on...) has stated to friends of mine that she "doesn't trust vaginal birth" and puts all laboring women on continuous internal monitors because of this
*a male Christian OB routinely cuts episiotomies without consent
*a female Christian OB saw no problem when I was relating to her how an OB (not sure of his religious persuasion--but, ahem, he was the on-call for the one of those 3 clients of mine I mentioned earlier) had cut an episiotomy without consent on a woman who specifically stated in her birth plan that she preferred to tear

[punkrawkmama27]

Originally Posted by knitted_in_the_wom

Ummm...yeah!!!

I'm a conservative Christian...and it sometimes really drives me nuts when Christian women think that just because their Dr. is a conservative Christian, said Dr. walks on water. Here are just some examples of problems I've observed with "Christian" Drs in my community:

*the OB/GYN I saw for years prior to pregnancy and for my first pregnancy stripped my membranes without asking my consent first. I didn't want it done--I thought he was just checking my cervix for dialation/effacement until he said "now what I'm doing might cause you to start having contractions sometime in the next 24 hours." Then when I showed up in labor the next morning (contractions actually started that night--surprise, surprise), he informed me that he would be going off call at 7 a.m., and a Dr. I had never met before would be attending my birth. WHY IN THE HE*& DID YOU STRIP MY MEMBRANES THEN??? This same Dr. and his partner have been the care providers of choice for 4 of my clients--all of whom I've warned about the issue of them having other Dr's taking call for them at least 50% of the time...but of course all 4 of those women were SURE that they were special and their OB would show up for their labor ("after all, he caught me!" one of the women stated). 3 of them birthed with "Dr. Stranger."
*a female Christian OB (who was working at the practice I went to during my first pregnancy, she has since moved on, and on...) has stated to friends of mine that she "doesn't trust vaginal birth" and puts all laboring women on continuous internal monitors because of this
*a male Christian OB routinely cuts episiotomies without consent
*a female Christian OB saw no problem when I was relating to her how an OB (not sure of his religious persuasion--but, ahem, he was the on-call for the one of those 3 clients of mine I mentioned earlier) had cut an episiotomy without consent on a woman who specifically stated in her birth plan that she preferred to tear

Whoa...I never said the man walked on water. He is only a doctor, not Jesus himself. I really dont appreciate that part of your reply, it sounds like you are being kind of condescending towards me. I just liked the fact that he was able to relate to our Christian family values. What I was very impressed with is the way he handled my children (I have been to some pediatricians that just didnt seem to know how to relate to a child or how to make them feel comfortable and safe at the doctors) also he is not just a pediatrician, but a teaching doctor. He teaches at the local university and I really truly believed that he really knew about homebirth, ect. My midwife even had him on her list of "homebirth friendly" (or somewhat homebirth friendly) doctors.

Oh and by the way if I thought he was that great, then I would listen to him and nix my plans on having this baby at home, just to please him.

[happydoulamama]

I found myself at odds with our pediatrician on some issues and it made me doubt myself a lot- not a positive feeling I wanted to have all the time! So I switched doctors and feel supported 100% now. Such a weight off my shoulders!

Really, don't give this guy this much power over you, your decisions, and your feelings!

You made a great decision to have a homebirth. It takes a very strong person to live on the fringe and deal with comments from others. It took me a long time to build up a confidence that isn't shaken as easily!

[titania8]

Originally Posted by punkrawkmama27

Thank you for all the replies. I just want to start off by saying, that I am so excited to have a homebirth. I had never even know that women were still having homebirths until after the birth of my last child. It was a normal hospital birth, but the way I was treated afterwards by the nursing staff and lactation consultant at the hospital was terrible and no one would listen to me, except my mw, so I am very happy and looking forward to having this baby at home.

As for the doctor, I should have put in more of why I respect him as a doctor. He is a teaching doctor as well at the university out here and has won many awards for his teaching. He is always in the paper. I never really thought of him as arrogant, but now I am beginning to see that he is and has been. I will be looking for a new family doctor for the family.

I just wish that I could get support out here. I have some friends that have birthed at home and their wonderful experiences are so uplifting, but the majority of people I talk to tell me that I am putting the baby in danger. To hear it come from the doctor really hit hard at first, but now I am kind of understanding why he said it.

stop telling them then. its no one's business but you and your dh. period end of story. though i do know how hard it can be when people ask questions that need more of an answer than "yes, everything is fine." i've learned to be vague and keep it short. you do what you need to to protect your state of mind---it IS important. more so than their need to warn you of all the imagined dangers inherit in birthing without millions of dollars of equipment to monitor everything. :

peace to you for your upcoming birth. i hope you are able to find a supportive dr for your family.

[nashvillemidwife]

Originally Posted by punkrawkmama27

Whoa...I never said the man walked on water.

I don't see anywhere that she claims you did.

[punkrawkmama27]

Originally Posted by titania8

stop telling them then. its no one's business but you and your dh. period end of story. though i do know how hard it can be when people ask questions that need more of an answer than "yes, everything is fine." i've learned to be vague and keep it short. you do what you need to to protect your state of mind---it IS important. more so than their need to warn you of all the imagined dangers inherit in birthing without millions of dollars of equipment to monitor everything. :

peace to you for your upcoming birth. i hope you are able to find a supportive dr for your family.

Oh belive me, I dont talk about it with anyone in my family anymore. I dont need the negative feelings and rude comments I get from them (they do the same thing over homeschooling, but that is a whole different story). I was just really excited about my decision and wanted to share it with my family at first and when I got the negative attitudes I just stopped talking about it to them PERIOD. The reason I emailed the ped is to see when he would see the baby, I had no idea he would respond that way and was really shocked. My midwife did have his name on the list of family care/peds that are homebirth friendly so I was thinking he would be more respectful of it.