Feeling shaken and sad

[PhotoJournMama]

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry this is kind of disjointed and rambling. I just feel depressed right now and need to get this issue off my chest, and get some perspective from you wise, insightful ladies.

I am 7 months pp and nursing almost exclusively (just started solid food introduction). When I was pregnant I gained a lot of weight - about 55 or 60 pds. When I first had my son, I lost 25 pds right away and then stopped at 205, where I am now. I don't feel terribly upset by it, and though I get down once in a while I eat healthily and try to get outside everyday. I have tried to go to the gym but only made it once. In high school I had lot of issues surrounding weight and eating disorders, so honestly I try to think of it as seldom as possible.

My issue isn't really with my weight, it's with my dh. He is 6'0 and 155 pds. He has asked me my weight a couple times before, but I didn't feel comfortable telling him and he didn't really push it. Well, we were at my aunts house this weekend and talking about how she is doing weight watchers and has had a lot of success. She showed me some of the books and I calculated how many points per day I would be able to eat. Well, my dh obviously deduced that it was in the 200's and casually brought it up while I was talking about maybe trying weight watchers. I asked him if it made him feel any less attracted to me. He said yes, it did. He went on to clarify that he did still find me attractive, just not necessarily as attractive as I was pre-baby.

I know he is just way too honest and didn't mean it to be cruel. He has been trying to give me lots of hugs, kisses, and love since then - but I can't even look him in the eye. I used to be so comfortable around him, had no problem being naked, etc.. We are taking ds to swim tonight and I don't want to get dressed in the same stall with him like we usually do (in the family change room, so we can both help with ds). I don't want him to touch me or be around me. I feel silly letting it affect me so much, and I know that for me it is a slippery slope with depression and constant attention to my body and weight. I just can't handle that extra stress at the moment.

I just don't know where to go from here... I don't feel like working out or joining ww anymore because I don't want him to think that I am doing it for him. I feel embarrassed when I try to bring it up.

Thank you for reading and empathizing with a sad momma.

[sophiesgrandma]

You can talk to him about how you feel about these issues and how it made you feel when he said he was'nt as attracted to you. He sounds like he really loves you and cares about you so would respond to your confiding in him.

It seems as if you are already eating healthily. Since you have food issues and previous eating disorders, I think you should keep eating healthily. It's good to think about health issues in regard to weight and not attractiveness issues since that is so subjective. You can try taking walks and just being more physical in general. It may just be you need to be a bit more active and in being more active you will begin to feel those endorphins flowing and your mood will naturally pick up.

You just had a baby only 7 months ago. You have been nourishing your baby and yourself. You sound like a beautiful giving woman to me. Don't even get on that stupid scale. Just tell your husband how you feel and what you need.
And by the way, it sounds like your husband could gain a couple of lbs.

[Doodlebugsmom]

I would feel exactly the same way if my dh said that to me! In your photo in your sig, you look absolutely gorgeous. After I finished bfing my ds (2 years ago when he was 2 years old), I did the Eat to Live plan for six weeks. I lost 25 lbs. and haven't put any back on. Honestly, I was always too afraid to try any kind of restrictive eating plan while bfing. I also have struggled with an eating disorder (binge eating) in the past, so I can't restrict too much. Now that my kids are a little older (4 and 6), I can find more time to get outside and exercise. I hike and bike. I went to a gym for a few years, but I enjoy outdoor activities more than the gym. Just give yourself some time. You just gave birth seven months ago. It is SO hard when they're little.

[Juvysen]

I would feel the same way. I hate, hate, hate, that my husband is thinner than I am, not to mention weighs less and is almost a foot taller... bleh.

[amcal]

Oh Mama s: My DH is the same way. I'll never forget him going to a prenatal appt with me and they were going to weigh me. I asked him not to look but he did - I weighed 202 lbs. His response? "WOW! I never thought I'd have sex with a 200lb woman". It broke my heart and spirit.

Ever since I was pregnant with my first baby, our sex life has drastically declined to the point that now we never have sex - it's been months. We have a lot of emotional issues between us that are keeping us apart now but in the beginning, it was because of my weight. I know he isn't attracted to me. But, you know what? He's not perfect either. I could pick apart his appearance to him but, I don't. But, he needs to understand that just because he's thin, it doesn't make him adonis.

I say you can not let this build up or fester. You must talk to him. Get your feelings out. It sounds like you have a wonderful, yet too honest, husband. Talk to him. Let him know how his words hurt you. Let him know that you want to be healthy and you plan to work on that but that his comments are so damaging to your self esteem.

[PhotoJournMama]

Thank you so much for the sweet replies. I was really feeling blue and needed that pick-me-up. Thank you again.

We had an opportunity to talk last night, and I think we have resolved the issue. I do know that my DH loves me deeply, and would do anything for me. This is not the kind of issue that I want to let destroy the wonderful life we are building together, nor the trust and respect we give each other.

I know that a lot of women deal with the same self-esteem issues after having children. I know that I will never have the same body, and I am accepting of that. As you said, sophiesgrandma, I am nourishing my son and myself. That is what I must stay focused on - not the changes I see in the mirror and on the scale.

Amcal, our sex life has decreased a lot since our son was born as well. I ended up having a c-section 2 days before my due date because of James' breech presentation, and was in mourning over this for a long time. Combine that with sleep deprivation, lack of time and energy, a difficult start to bfing, and a very hairy experience with bcp and, well, it was just the last thing on my mind. We still don't have sex very often, 2 x per week at the very most. Because of this, he has been feeling that I am not attracted to him as much either. I am, but that's another issue.

sophiesgrandma, you're right - he could stand to gain a few pounds. He eats like a bird and even though he shows interest in gaining weight, he doesn't take much action. He only recently started eating breakfast and lunch and only does that sporadically. A lot of people comment on it, and he notices that when he doesn't eat more he has absolutely no energy but he still doesn't eat a lot consistently when he is working. On weekends, he eats a regular amount.

[sophiesgrandma]

Amanda, I'm so happy you and dh had a good talk. Thats so important-especially because having a baby and being so focused in on taking care of the baby and the home and everything else can cause us to sometimes not connect with our partners.
I think the biggest factor in my and dh long marriage (almost 34+ years) is our making sure we talked in a meaningful way at least 1-2x a week. Of course now we have more time since all 3 of our chickadees have flown the nest to create their own nests.