or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Yes they ARE your kids!!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Yes they ARE your kids!!

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
I have about had it. Dh refuses to spend ANY money on 'my' kids. Tonight OUR 19 yo son wanted gingerale - ds has tonsillitis and has been basically in bed for the last couple of days. I asked dh to go to the store for it and he REFUSED because I expected HIM to pay. If he ever does take a kid somewhere for something he takes MY bank card to pay for it. And MY vehicle so he isn't burning HIS gas. Yet if I ask him to get something for my car, like a windshield wiper, he goes all defensive and says that isn't HIS responsibility. He thinks that since he pays the mortgage and I make slightly more money than he does I should have to pay for everything for the kids. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Once he wouldn't give dd 75 cents that she was short at the store for something.

Didn't he marry all of us?!?!?! Why does he have this selfish attitude? Doesn't he realize by being a cheapskate he's alienating EVERYONE?

I am SO sick and tired of him being so bloody cheap. It's days like this I wish I had never married him. He just keeps making the kids hate him more and more, and I have pretty much lost all respect for him.
post #2 of 30
I'm confused... you say "our" son, but then further down you say didn't he marry all of us?

So are the kids his biological kids or step kids?

And if they are his step kids and you did not have conversations about what type of role he'd play in their lives before marriage... well, I don't understand why you wouldn't have. It's a pretty big thing to commit to or assume. Everyone has different boundaries.
post #3 of 30
Regardless of what conversations you had before you got married & who's kids are who's, in the examples that you have given, he sure sounds like a cheapskate!
WOW, it sure sounds like you need to have someone come over to stay with the kids, get away from the house and have a good long talk about how this is making you feel.
If I were in your shoes, I would be frustrated too. I am going to make the assumption that you have separate bank accounts? Have you thought about having a joint "family" account that you both contribute to that can be used for "stuff"...all of those little things that it sounds like he doesn't want to be a part of? It sounds kind of silly, but having a separate account for incidentals might make him a little more "giving".
Regardless of what you decide to do, you should definately sit down with him in a neutral place and have a real honest discussion with him....before you become even more resentful about it.
post #4 of 30
Thread Starter 
Sorry I wasn't clear - I was mad. They're my kids biologically, not his, we got married when the youngest was 7. I call them our kids, he calls them my kids whenever they want something that costs money.

El Cheapo refuses to have a joint bank account. Well, I should say that when we got married I made mine joint, which he never uses, and he kept his to himself.

He has real issues surrounding money.
post #5 of 30
Saw this in new posts.

Have you had a discussion with him about your family's budget and your contributions to that budget? Where you sit down and list out every.single.thing your family spends money on from the mortgage to groceries to magazine subscriptions to lattes to hobby items etc etc etc?

He thinks the mortgage is a fair contribution. You think it's not enough. Crunch the numbers and see. If he is contributing enough then you should start paying some of what he covers so that he has money freed up to handle incidentals without feeling resentful. If he's not contributing enough, he seems like the type to respond better to hard numbers.

Mind you, I'm assuming your mortgage is about 50% of your budget. If you've got a really tiny mortgage then ignore the above.
post #6 of 30
They're NOT his kids. They're your kids, and their biological father's kids.

Are you receiving child support? Do you teenage children have jobs? Did you tell your DH before you got married that you expected him to financially support your kids?

You say he is paying the mortgage. In that case, he is providing a home for your kids. That's quite a bit of financial support right there.

I have a teen and a pre-teen, and they can be, uh, a bit self centered where money is concerned, and seem to think at times that DH and I are ATMs to buy them whatever they want. This attitude drives me up the wall to the point where I don't want to pay for things for them. Maybe your kids are displaying this attitude too, and that is grating on your DH to the point where he thinks "$crew this, they are not even my kids and they give me this entitlement attitude"?
post #7 of 30
That's really sad. I'm not married to my boyfriend, but I buy his daughter (and her sister) things when they need them. If I take her out somewhere, I'll pay. It's just the friendly thing to do. Sounds like your husband has some issues. Does he have his own children that he pays child support for?
post #8 of 30
sorry to be harsh but your husband sounds creepy in a eally bad way. personally i would not choose to be in a marriage where money wasn't shared so that right there is hard for me to relate to, much less imagine being with someone who won't buy my child a soda when he is sick. it doesn't sound like your husband know how to love people and that is a very dangerous situation emotionally to be in for you and your kids. i would seriously consider leaving this marriage or at the very least getting some counceling for yourself to figure out why you choose a relationship like this and what you can do to change it or get out of dodge. good luck.
post #9 of 30
I doubt we're getting the whole story here, but if it's like you said...that's ridiculous behavior on your DH's part.
post #10 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by naydog View Post
So what if he's paying the mortgage? Does anyone here really believe this has anything to do with money? NO. It has to do with how the man's actions, that happen to involve money, make his wife feel, how his actions, involving money, show how little he cares about her children. His financial contributions to the family are restricted to his only being responsible for paying the house note? Are you serious?

Nope. The OP here makes more money than he does, so maybe that has something to do with his insecurities, I don't know. But his actions toward the woman he claims he loves and her children, are not those of a man who loves his family. Those are the actions of a man who compartmentalizes his life so he doesn't bear any responsibility for the parts of his life that really don't matter to him.
This is very very true
post #11 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
They're NOT his kids. They're your kids, and their biological father's kids.
I'm really glad the stepfather I grew up with didn't have this outlook, or I would have been really, really hurt.
post #12 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
They're NOT his kids. They're your kids, and their biological father's kids.
If my DH felt this way, I never would have married him. The OP is right imo -- when you marry a person with children, you marry the children as well. I couldn't live my life with someone who felt my children and I are separate.

Good luck with this situation, it certainly is not an easy one to handle.
post #13 of 30
We're on a very tight budget, but we work as a family unit, and all money is "our" money. The kids do have allowances, and when my dss was short money, I'd lend it to him, because it's a learning process about saving money, calculating what you need and so on.

It sounds like your finances are very separate, and that you have things divided up. My parents did that, and all the kids things came out of mom's checking account, because that's how it was budgeted. Granted, it seems like dh is nickle-and-diming, and being petty, but if at the onset of marriage it was decided mutually that you would pay for the kids, it seems like it's something that needs to be re-addressed.

I can see being upset at his pettiness, though.
post #14 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by arismama! View Post
sorry to be harsh but your husband sounds creepy in a eally bad way. personally i would not choose to be in a marriage where money wasn't shared so that right there is hard for me to relate to, much less imagine being with someone who won't buy my child a soda when he is sick. it doesn't sound like your husband know how to love people and that is a very dangerous situation emotionally to be in for you and your kids. i would seriously consider leaving this marriage or at the very least getting some counceling for yourself to figure out why you choose a relationship like this and what you can do to change it or get out of dodge. good luck.

I have to agree with this... Not creating a joint family expense account would have been a definite deal breaker for me.

I have helped to provide for my DSD from day one, and never thought much of it... DH and I knew early on we were getting married, and all money is family money, what is needed in the family, is taken care of.
post #15 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by BedHead View Post
He has real issues surrounding money.
I have issues about money. I've been called a miser, a penny-pincher, selfish, etc. etc. And, you know...I can't even imagine not giving a kid $0.75 when they were short, whether it were my child or not, unless there was a pattern of that child always wanting other people to make up the slack on things. Heck - I'd give $0.75 to a stranger who was short in the checkout, unless I was really hurting for cash.

Every family has to work out step issues for themselves, but this goes way past issues about money, imo.
post #16 of 30
That's a shame, and I"m sure it has to be hurtful to you and your kids.

DP and I have been together for almost 8 years, but are not married, yet it seems ridiculous on my part not to add 75 cents, or to exchange cars, or to demand his bank card whenever dsd needs something. It never crossed my mind. Sounds like some counseling and some serious discussion about finances is in order for the two of you.

*HUGS*
post #17 of 30
Our children are OUR children, even though two have bio father who is quasi in the picture.


My husband.... we keep separate checking accounts/credit accounts... but we each have passwords, and on the credit cards, we each have a card for each account. We ebb and flow money between us. BUT.. he pays the mortgage, the car payment and most of the expenses of the home. If the kids are sick, he get them what they need. If they have school expenses... he floats them the cash. He is getting paid tomorrow... his check will be larger than normal, so he is putting money in my account, to share if you will.


This is a pretty normal money relationship between husband and wife who married in their 30's.

If our car that I drive needs work, he either works on it or takes it to the shop. If our car that he drives needs work, it might go on my credit card. Marriage is a partnership. I left a former boyfriend for this kind of behavior. He made well over 100K a year, but split "our" bills 50/50, with me making less than 10K a year. Sure thing honey, I really need that new corvette and that payment, as a student.


You are in a power and control relationship..... never a good thing. Seek help.
post #18 of 30
Does he pay for food? Living expenses? Do any of your children have jobs? I would probably refuse to buy anything for a 19 year old still living at home who wasn't paying rent. If you don't like the way he's treating you ad your children then move out. You said you make more money than he does.
post #19 of 30
Does your dh see that his behavior is causing stress on your relationship? You guys really need to get in some sort of therapy program, preferably one that will provide both couples counseling and individual time as well. He has control issues. I'd go so far as to say possibly attachment issues as well. I was married to someone similar for about ten years. It was horrible and incredibly stressful. I never felt like we were really a couple. We were two totally separate individuals living as roommates. There is a self-centeredness there and some resentment that he is dealing with in a very passve-aggressive way.
post #20 of 30
I just wanted to quickly say that it does seem like he has some issues regarding control, and also probably resentment towards your stepkids (maybe the teenage hormones are just driving him nuts? I don't know)

But, for the record, my DH and I still have seperate accounts, not a joint one in sight. We share money, ie, if I have money for the phone bill and he does not, I will pay the phone bill. We just don't have the same accounts (bank loyalties, haha)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Blended and Step Family Parenting › Yes they ARE your kids!!