Need Reassurance

[BarefootScientist]

This is probably the millionth post on this topic but any ladies that have a minute to reassure me or share their experiences...

I feel like attachment parenting is right. I mean, how can I not meet DS's needs? I'm still nursing, and I still nurse whenever he wants. We cosleep. Sometimes he even naps on me. I've never made him put or cry himself to sleep. I pick him up when he wants to be held. And he has been having pretty bad separation anxiety so I don't leave him with people for more than a few minutes if he's not happy.

Am I making everything worse? In the long run, this will work out right? How long? All the babies I know who are parented in a more "normal" way are totally fine being left with strangers, go to bed by themselves and sleep through the night, and are so...well-behaved. In contrast, my baby cries when I get more than 10 feet away or a stranger gets to close, nurses or rides on Daddy to get to sleep every time, wakes up at least twice a night to nurse, and whines something terrible when he's tired. Have I created a monster?

This parenting style is working for us (SO FAR) but everyone else must think my kid is so spoiled...

Any thoughts? TIA.

Oh, also, any tips on making him more comfortable with strangers?

[dogmom327]

This parenting thing is hard isn't it? My DS is the same age as yours and there are days that I wonder if we are doing the right things (even though deep down I know we are). FWIW, we recently are seeing some huge changes in DS which are giving us faith. He does occasionally walk off to our back room in the house to play by himself. We left him with my best friend (first time!) the other day and he did great. He's also suddenly super friendly with strangers. It's kind of freaking me out actually because he wants everyone to hold him. It really is a good thing. Hang in there.

[AbbieB]

Your little one sounds like a typical toddler to me.

Keep the faith! Follow your momma instincts. Stay attached. Your baby will be healthier and happier for it.

I to am misunderstood by many when they see my spirited 5 year old's behavior and my way of dealing with it. Sometimes, when I am feeling a little to judged by the world, the kids and I will just stay home for a few days to recharge and reconnect.

I have found that I often find myself struggling as a parent right after a major growth spurt. I start to question everything and doubt creeps in. I think it a sign that you are adjusting to your growing child and it's good (it's just overwhelming sometimes). When I recognize the pattern I know it's time to slow down the schedule a little and give myself some extra attention.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by BarefootScientist

All the babies I know who are parented in a more "normal" way are totally fine being left with strangers, go to bed by themselves and sleep through the night, and are so...well-behaved. In contrast, my baby cries when I get more than 10 feet away or a stranger gets to close, nurses or rides on Daddy to get to sleep every time, wakes up at least twice a night to nurse, and whines something terrible when he's tired. Have I created a monster?

I think it's normal for many AP'd babies to be more need-intensive in the early years -- not that all of them are, but ours sure were/are. AP'd babies haven't given up on being listened to; they're used to having their cries heard and responded to, so they see very good reasons to communicate their feelings to their parents.

That's not to say that every "easy" baby has been left to cry-it-out and has given up on ever being heard. I've heard that some AP'd babies adjust very well to being left with strangers -- though it's kinda hard for me to picture an AP-mama feeling comfortable leaving her babe with a stranger in the first place!

We've never forced either of our girls (now ages 8 and 3) to be separated from us. But our 8yo is now perfectly comfortable going on her own to Sunday School and children's church. She's also happy going to friends' houses for playdates.

She started consistently feeling comfortable doing these things at around age 4. Before that time I went with her. By 3, she'd started to feel comfortable with me staying with her for a few minutes in children's church and then going on to church, so long as she knew she could access me if she wanted me.

Our 3yo still likes for me to come to Sunday School and children's church with her. But sometimes I've been running late, and Daddy's taken the girls to church ahead of me, and those times she's happily gone off with her teacher, without needing Daddy to come too. But if she knows I'm there, she wants me with her.

You'll find that there's a wide spectrum with AP, and what I've shared isn't necessarily "the norm" for AP families.

Oh, and we still don't expect our girls to go to bed on their own.

[LoganBsMom]

Have faith, you are doing great!! We are not strictly ap, but have been kinda sorta. We never co slept for lots of reasons. But I rocked DS to sleep every night until he was probably 2. I remember people always saying not to do that, it would make him too needy. I am glad I did. It was some of the best times! And honestly, have you every met a 15 yo who still wants to be rocked to sleep, held etc. They eventually loose that need for closeness. Enjoy it while you have it.

I have no advice on attatchment issues. I think that is a lot of just personality. I was very attentive to DS, no crying, carried, napped on me etc. But from day one he never had seperation anxiety. He asked several times to go home with the mailman, and with lots of random people he didn't know. It actually used to make me sad that he didn't miss me if I left him, lol. You just can't win.

Anyway, treasure it now, he won't want your affection so much in a couple years. The only time ds wants to be really cuddled these days is when he is sick. Otherwise, lots more interesting things to see.

As far as what other people think, who cares! Really, someday they will be jelous at how well adjusted and happy your LO is, and nobody will remember how much you doted on him! Enjoy, it sure does go by fast!

[mistymama]

You are doing exactly what you need to be doing!!



Those first few years are more difficult, at least in my experience. Everyone told me I was making things harder on myself than I needed to .. but in all honesty, it didn't feel hard, it felt right for us. DS was actually almost 9 months old before I found out that what I was doing (parenting from my heart, doing what felt "right") was actually called AP.

Anyway, it does get better. Ds was VERY attached to me through about 3 years old. Then, it was like all of a sudden he turned super social, confident and was ready to take on the world. He started Kindy this year and he is super confident, independent and secure. He even made me drop him off in carpool line the first day ... he told me he was big enough to find his classroom on his own! Ugh.

They really do grow up fast and those clingy baby and toddler days become a distant memory. In fact, there are days I wish he would just let me rock and hold him .. but of course, he's a "big guy" now and can't have that.

Don't listen to anyone else, listen to your heart, your instincts.

[east carolina]

You're totally right in meeting your baby's needs, and your kindness is certainly not the reason he's clingy. He's clingy because that's they way he is now developmentally and was just born with this innate desire.

My DS is 3.5. He still naps on me sometimes. He can also spend all day with DH without me and when he recently spent the night at grandma's for the first time he asked for dad, not me.

[GuildJenn]

It will be fine. Your kid will be able to sleep in his own bed alone in college, and he won't still be nursing. Honest!

[BarefootScientist]

Thank you everyone.

[cappuccinosmom]

All my children were still waking to eat and partially cosleeping up until about 14 months. We never did full cosleeping but people still thought we were crazy to allow our babies to "manipulate" us like that. We simply refuse to do CIO and although we do "train" them to sleep in thier own beds, they know that if they need us, we will always pick them up, no question. It has been hard, the lack of sleep, but it is worth it. On-cue breastfeeding goes on as long as they want it to. So far the two olders have weaned by 18 months, likely because of my pregnancy and my milk supply going down. I wear my babies as much as my body allows, and even into toddlerhood if they're having a bad day, they can go on my back so that they can be close to me while we get on with life.

And our children are wonderful in spite of being "spoiled" like that. The older two are very independent, sociable, and wonderful. : I'm sure yours will be too.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by BarefootScientist

In the long run, this will work out right? How long?

Good news/bad news. For my child with severe separation anxiety, it wasn't until he was about 4 that I really could leave him in places like the church nursery. This is his personality. He's an introvert. He's slow to warm up. He's also somewhat prone to anxiety, and he had a few sensory issues that made making sense of the world more difficult.

But, even with my child who had minimal separation anxiety, she was 4 before she'd willingly go to the church nursery (even though she happily went to day care 3x a week from 15 months on). She also still needs a lot of physical contact.

The good news? My kids are now 4 and 7. When ds, now age 7 (and my severe separation anxiety kid) went off to first grade last year, he got on the bus for the first time without looking back. He was excited, a little nervous, but quite secure. Not so for many of the other 1st graders. He spent the summer out in the neighborhood playing with the other kids. It really is true that they're dependent on you for such a short period of time. He would be gone for HOURS. This, from a child, who at age 4-5 wouldn't play outside unless I was there. Once HE was developmentally ready, he had a secure base from which to explore.

But even better, ds is a careful, thoughtful child. He's able to describe to me in words what he's feeling and what he needs. "I'm feeling like I need more mommy time." "I need more attention from you." He doesn't need to act out to get attention (usually, we're not perfect!). He can TELL me what he needs, and he knows he'll be listened to (most of the time). How many adults do you know who don't do that? He's also beginning to understand the nuances of emotion and will say things like "I'm a little scared and a little excited." This is a MAJOR achievement -- his natural tendency is to be somewhat Vulcan in his approach to emotions. When he was 2-3, he'd say to me "I like you a really lot" and not "I love you". For him to be able to identify not ONE but TWO emotions and that they can occur together is a huge developmental leap.

Originally Posted by BarefootScientist

Oh, also, any tips on making him more comfortable with strangers?

Time. Time. And more time.

Let HIM approach other people when he's comfortable.

In addition, have him get to know people in the safety of your arms. Don't encourage people to hold him right away. We wouldn't dream of sitting down with our arms around a strange adult, and yet adults expect to be able to do that with him.

He'll take a lot of cues from you. For example, sit down on the floor with him and ask your guest to sit down with you. Talk to the guest, but don't encourage them, initially, to do more than greet your son. Let your son stay in your arms or get down on the floor to play while you converse. Then maybe have the guest play parallel to him, or slowly enter into ds' game. So, if ds is putting blocks in a bucket, give a block to your guest and have them do it too.

Remember that this is a developmentally appropriate and biologically programmed response to strangers.

[IBC Mama]

Hugs to you, mama. It is so hard. When my DD was little, I worked my booty off trying to meet her needs, and now that she's almost 5 I'm still working harder than a lot of parents I see, even other AP parents.

One thing I finally realized: my kid is high-needs. She always has been, and probably always will be. But the work we've done so far keeping her safe, close, and attached has helped all of us manage her needs... and now she can often tell us clearly what she needs. It's amazing.

Also, parenting this way is a lot of work, but I do think that for me it's still easier than dealing with how I would feel if I tried to do things a different way to make it easier. If that makes sense.

If you have the resources, it can help to find ways to get help for yourself without putting your kid in an uncomfortable situation. We hired a couple of young teenagers, homeschooling kids, who could come over and play with our DD and our neighbors DS while the mamas were home. Another thing that helped me was finding a group of like-minded mamas to hang out with. We spent lots of time together, which helped us normalize our experience. It is hard to find the other mamas, but I think it is worth any discomfort or risk to reach out and build a community.

hang in there, mama. Sometimes I think the doubts do build up when it is time to make a change, because your kid has changed or because your own needs are not getting met.... but I also think it's natural to doubt yourself when you are trying to do something so hard that is not the norm.

[ShadowLark]

HUGS! He's 15 months old, right? That's still prime separation anxiety age. As for cosleeping - he's a BABY! Of COURSE he still wants to snuggle with mommy - that's a GOOD thing! (My boy is a stinker - he LIKES his own space, always has. My girl co sleeps, and I consider it a triumph when I can roll over! She's only 11 months old, though. She's also already FIERCELY independent, and I know the day will come far too quickly when she wants her own space too.)
How much daytime nursing does he do? My girl knows that nursing = getting sleepy - she'd rather not nurse in the daytime unless it's for a second or two. But at night, she's all over me - TOTALLY normal!
Dr Sears says that the investment you make now will help avoid problems later, and I agree. Your baby needs you - whether that need gets met now, like you're doing (and like you're supposed to) or later (partially and badly) with drugs or something, in a desperate attempt to fill a void that can't be filled... well, that's up to you.
It sounds like you are doing a FANTASTIC job, mama! KEEP IT UP! Once you prove to him that you'll ALWAYS be there, no matter WHAT, he'll find his wings and soar.

[Greenmama2AJ]

Keep the strength!

Our children are the same age. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I could have written your post!
My SIL and cousin have babies similiar in age to ours - they are mainstream and they're little ones seem angels. They will happily sit for literally hours in their prams and make barely a peep. At their 1st birthdays they would happily be passed around to complete strangers, let the grannies kiss them and giggled excitedly when plopped in a highchair to devour birthday cake.

My DS HATED his 1st birthday. He loathed complete strangers trying to pick him up and walk around, he refused to kiss the grannies, he cried bitterly when he was forced to sit in a highchair away from Mom so that he could be the centre of attention.

Take heart.
I teach highschool and I can guarantee you that the kids who fall off the tracks later in life weren't AP'ed as kids. I've met their parents.
I totally 100% agree with some of the fantastic posts above.
AP is how children are meant to be parented! Our kids are exactly how nature intended them to be, it'll get better!

[BarefootScientist]

Originally Posted by ShadowLark

HUGS! He's 15 months old, right? That's still prime separation anxiety age.

I know, but none of the other ~15 month olds I know seem to have any separation anxiety! Except for one, also AP'd.

But anyway, thank you so much to everyone who responded. I needed to hear all that and I am feeling much more encouraged. : I may have to come back and read this thread again a couple times in the next few years...

[cappuccinosmom]

I know, but none of the other ~15 month olds I know seem to have any separation anxiety!

I know plenty of non-AP'd kids with the separation anxiety. Just in our 12-14 kid Sunday School class (2 and 3 year olds) we have at least three children every single week who fuss and don't want to stay with us, cry for their mama's, etc.. Unfortunately their parents often make them stay. These are children who are in daycare, and who see us every week, so it's not like we're strangers or unfamiliar to them.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

Unfortunately their parents often make them stay.

That's just too bad! I sure couldn't enjoy my class if I knew my child was sobbing her heart out for me.