Do you ever wish you could get inside your DC's head?

[Momily]

My DS9 is not really a talker -- every so often he'll come out with something that lets me know he's thinking deep thoughts, but most of the time I have very little idea what the child is thinking.

He's a huge fantasy fan -- mostly audiobooks. Basically this is all he wants to read or listen to. I love fantasy too so I like the fact that we can listen together -- and then, of course, NOT talk about the book because that's just who he is.

Today we started listening to Eragon. I almost immediately noticed that while, like most fantasy books for young adults, there's a young boy growing up in a situation other than his birth family -- in this case he's living with an uncle and cousin. However, for once it's a warm, functional family. I started to comment on this to him, and when I said "Have you ever noticed that many of the characters in fantasy books are living with people other than their birth parents?" His reply?

"Of course, why did you think I liked them?"

Honestly, it never occured to me -- I assumed that he liked magic, or dragons or other aspects of the fantasy, but of course the journey of the young boys to figure out who they are and where they come from (a theme that repeats over and over in fantasy) would appeal to him. It also amazed me that we've listened to these books together for years and this has never once come up. Actually once he did ask me if Harry Potter was adopted, but that was years ago.

He also agreed that I am more like Garrow (the kind uncle in Eragon) than the despicable Dursleys in Harry Potter -- phew!

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

So, how did you respond to that? I'm really kind of stressed out at how to navigate this part of our experience - the telling her - and how she's going to react to that.

[aja-belly]

Originally Posted by kalkiwendy

So, how did you respond to that? I'm really kind of stressed out at how to navigate this part of our experience - the telling her - and how she's going to react to that.

wendy - with marvel we just incorporate it into everyday conversations when it is appropriate. we have pictures of her birth mother and we talk about her. i'm pregnant right now so we talk some about when jet was in my tummy and when marvel was in melaya's tummy and the firt time i got to see each of them. i don't know how much marvel really gets (thought she knows her birth mother by name and points her out in pics) but jet seems to get the concept and he is the same age as virginia grace (born 6/05).

[Polliwog]

Interesting story, Momily.

For us, it's not the telling that I wonder about. It's the moment of "getting." I talk about his having lived with his birth mother, foster family, and grandmother. I talk about T having given birth to him and his sisters. I tell Polliwog's story. But it's still not real for him. Eventually it will click and he'll have questions but for now they're just stories. In his mind, his birth mother is just a family friend who we see a couple of times each year. And Polliwog has never had a visit with her birth family in the 11 months she's been in care so to her, she's just his pesky, but loved, little sister.

[Momily]

As far as where the conversation went from there -- it didn't go far, which is typical. I can't remember it word for word but it was something like this.

Me: You know there's something I like about this book. Have you ever noticed how many fantasy books have boys who are growing up without their first families -- Harry Potter, the boy in beast quest, the boy in Dragonrider. . .

DS: Of course, why do you think I like them so much?

Me: You like them because they're like you?

DS: Yes.

Me: Hmmm, Well, one thing I like about this book is that the people caring for Eragon -- his uncle Garrow, are fine -- they seem like a family, like an adoptive family and not like the Dursleys or someone who don't seem like a family to me.

DS: Yes, they're more like us. Can we stop talking and listen to the CD?

As far as the telling vs. getting we also talked about it from Day one. Literally I held him in my arms that night and told him his story -- I'm pretty sure that at 16 days I could have been reading the phone book, but it was good practice. I've continued to tell it, and read books with other kids adoption stories, and make sure we had other adoptive families around, since the beginning. He's never asked much, but sometimes he'll make comments or do things that I feel are very profound. For example:

At around 2 3/4 he asked me if he came from my tummy (it was Christmas Eve and we were watching the Christmas pageant at my mom's church, and he asked where baby Jesus was, when I told him he was still in Mary he asked how he got there, when I said "God put him there" he asked "Did God put me in your tummy?" I explained that he had grown in Mama J's tummy (we had already talked about it before but he'd never shown that he understood).

At around 3 1/4 he asked me who was in the room when he was born. When I told him I used the word "I think" and he said "but you don't know because you weren't there right?" He then asked whether someone was holding his birthmother's hand, and when I said "I think her mother was there, but I'm not sure. I hope she was there" he answered "because she was scared right, and it's not good to be scared alone." Years later we were able to ask his first grandma if she was there and she said yes.

At around 3 1/2 I found him playing "adoption agency" with a little (probably very confused) friend. He told her to be "a Mary" (the name of his social worker) and stood on a chair behind her and dropped a baby doll onto the table in front of her. Then he instructed her to say "Oh look! A beautiful baby -- she's perfect for Momily! and then pretend to call me on the phone. Then he left the room, came back in pretending to be me and scooped up the baby and took it "home". I asked him who he was on the chair and he said "God". I then asked him if he knew that he didn't come straight from god, that he came from his first mother, just like all babies come from a mother, and he looked at me and said "I know but I LIKE this story better".

At around 5 he asked me if Harry Potter was adopted. I asked him what he thought and he said no -- that adoption means your part of the family, and if he were part of their family he'd be treated the same as Dudley.

At almost 8 when he got the news that his first mother had died he said to me "So now she's happy?" I asked him what he meant and he said "Since I was born she was sad because she missed me and didn't know where I was (at that point our adoption was mostly closed, with letters and pictures -- this conversation was one of the things that prompted me to open the relationship with his grandma -- which is one of the best decisions I've ever made), but now she's in heaven with God and she can look down and see me every day -- I bet that makes her smile."

Also, at about 7 and 8 his best friend (who is a talker) would come over and ask me questions about DS's adoption, every time I'd ask DS's permission to answer and sometimes he'd say yes and sometimes he'd say no. But after the friend had left he'd come up and want to snuggle and say "You remember John's question -- can you answer it now?"

And now this, another indication that he's thinking even if he isn't talking.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, except to give you a sense of how his thinking has developed as he's grown. I'm still not sure he gets it entirely, sometimes I'm not sure I get it entirely, but he clearly understands a lot.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Momily, I really can't thank you enough for sharing your timeline and story. I've been tempted before to ask for just that exact thing. I know that ever situation is different, so no two stories are going to be the same, but what you've laid out really seems like a reasonable and healthy progression: one I'm trying to emulate.

Again, thank you.
Wendy

[Momily]

Originally Posted by kalkiwendy

Momily, I really can't thank you enough for sharing your timeline and story. I've been tempted before to ask for just that exact thing. I know that ever situation is different, so no two stories are going to be the same, but what you've laid out really seems like a reasonable and healthy progression: one I'm trying to emulate.

Again, thank you.
Wendy

Thanks Wendy!

I should note that every adoptive family I know has a different timeline and sequence of concepts. In some ways my DS was really early in his thinking (e.g. his comment about his birthmother being scared when he was born), and in other ways he seems to be taking his time (e.g. there's been a focus on his birthmother's loss of him, but he's never really acknowledged that he's lost anything -- I have many friends whose children have really mourned the loss of a their first parents as much younger children). This is really in keeping with his personality in general -- he's very empathetic and has wonderful insight into other's feelings, yet is very private about his own feelings, except for positive ones like excitement and joy.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Oh, you're right, without a doubt. I guess I've just sort of been looking for the language. Virginia Grace is speech delayed, so that makes things challenging; plus, it's a kinship adoption, post DCS removal. So, yeah, things are different.

I've shown Grace pictures of her birth mother and she's had reactions varying from "No!!!!" and turning away to ignoring me to basically a blank stare as if what I was saying meant nothing. I really don't know what she knows/remembers. And I struggle, myself, with anger at the abuse that she (barely) survived. Anyhow, again, thanks for putting it out there like you've done. With modifications for our own circumstances, I still think it's a good roadmap.

[Polliwog]

Wendy, my son's a little older and more verbal and his case is not nearly as horrific as your daughter's but I don't really know what he remembers. Honestly, it doesn't seem like he does. He was initially removed two months before his second birthday. He likes seeing his birth mother when he sees her but rarely (never?) talks about her.