OK, update--my DS has not asked to nurse the last 3 nights for bedtime. So part of me is over the moon about it, and part of me is really sad. . .just processing those feelings. He's been on this huge books before bed kick and has been passing out before we get to "nuh nuh" He's missed one night before from time to time, but never 2 consecutive nights and certainly 3 is a shocker!
And yes, I know there are lots of things I can do to get him nursing at bedtime again if I want to keep him going, but I'm going to be honest--I'm incredibly ambivalent and conflicted about nursing right now and although I have initiated parent-led limits such as nightweaning and time limiting our day sessions, I also am not going to offer if he doesn't ask--that's just where I feel comfortable right now. I like what Flowers says in her book about not feeling like you're making a forever decision but that it's okay to just take it day to day.
Still causing me anxiety though that the last THREE days he's skipped one of his major sessions. . .it's like, be careful what you wish for. I'm a little sad for him and for me. Maybe he's just picking up on my ambivalence and not getting enough out of it (figuratively, not literally--I"ve still got milkies, ha ha)
I'm really glad you all shared your stories, especially since I am the only one I know nursing "this long" (ha) and the only one nursing + pregnant I know IRL. . .I also feel like a wimp because I feel like so many of you are more commited to nursing your little ones than I am, making it through worse situations than mine. Like I'm giving up when it's not really that bad. I even was nursed until I was 3 so I feel especially guilty that weaning is a possibility for us right now, that I'm not giving DS the gift I was given
I feel like, I don't know, like I'm not as gung ho as I thought I would be. My emotions are really surprising to me.
I think it's the aversion that's killing me. DS and I had 12 weeks of thrush where I literally lost part of my nipples and constantly bled due to tissue damage when he was born--I made it through that pain, we made it through teething and endless night nursings, and I told my DH, if it was just painful, I could take it--BTDT, I think I'm pretty darn tough. If it were just dry nursing, I could handle that.
But the feelings I feel when I nurse are SO strong, and SO disturbing, that it makes something that used to be so treasured into something so crazy and agitating, that alone makes me want to cry. I grieve for my old enjoyment of nursing lost and for his babyhood right to nurse which I feel like I'm stealing from him by getting pregnant again and creating these hormones that make me want to get him off of me the second he latches on.
I don't want to feel that way while I'm doing something that used to feel so perfect and good between us. I remember when I used to get that little nursing high after let down, and even though I still have let down it doesn't do anything to release any of those good chemicals or emotions, and I have even had such strong feelings during nursing where I actually feel like if I don't make him stop RIGHT NOW I will want to throw him away from me. It's just nuts, and I haven't ever met anyone who had it. Thank goodness Flowers wrote a little tiny bit about it in her book or I would think I need psychiatric meds