OP, I wanted to comment on what you shared about your childhood discipline: how the straightforward approach used in your childhood worked for your family, and how you saw this as logical and peaceful (no yelling or spanking, while using consistency and arbitrary rewards/non violent punishments to shape character). I think this is a widely used approach in other developed countries (Americans are more likely to use violent punishments IMO). I'm always glad to see families who are disciplining without hitting or yelling. The approach you described works for many children when two factors are taken into consideration. The first is age appropriate expectations, and the second one is personality.
Many people wind up in Gentle Discipline because of a personality issue with their child and traditional discipline. For whatever reason, their child just needs *more* in terms of engagement, creativity, and cooperative problem solving.
A second reason people wind up in Gentle Discipline is to learn how to parent during the window of time before a child is developmentally able to handle a traditional "When the dishes are done you can play" approach. Many 2 and 3 year olds will routinely melt down in the face of that logic, because they are not developmentally mature enough to understand the logic being used. You wind up with a toddler who is thrashing on the floor, screaming hysterically, and being less cooperative instead of more.
I have noticed that with older children, in Gentle Discipline, there is more reliance on the traditional logic you experienced in your childhood. I notice that the advice for handling problems with older children and teens is much more "traditional" than the advice for handling toddlers and preschoolers.
My explanation of this goes back to the issues I raised above. Gentle Discipline tends to be a salvation for parents of very high needs children, as well as parents of very young children. Even among GD families, there tends to be a shift towards somewhat more traditional logical consequences and more inclusion of "when/then" tactics as kids grow up.
One interesting last point is that when we talk about our own childhood memories, we are *usually* remembering ourselves from the ages of 4 or 5 and upward. Fewer adults have clear memories of their daily life at the ages of 2 and 3. What works with a 5 or 6 year old can be disastrous with a 2 year old--but few of us actually remember well enough to know this.
My rambling point is that you will notice there are very few posts here regarding older children, and I think this is for a reason. If you can survive the early years by building up the skills learned in Gentle Discipline, the older years are often easier to navigate. Not always of course, but in terms of "please put your plate in the sink before leaving the kitchen", your 10 year old will probably just think "okay" while a 2 year old may fall on the floor in hysterics. Your 10 year old might see the statement as logical, and need no further discussion, while the 2 year old takes it very differently. With GD you are looking for ways to gently and creatively involve the 2 year old, striving for an overall positive experience...because that level of creativity and patience is what a 2 year old might *need* in terms of discipline. Most 10 year olds don't need you to explain why they should put their plate in the sink, and in my experience, it has been enough to simply say "Please put your plate in the sink before leaving the kitchen". If there is resistance, I want to hear why, and get to the bottom of the issue. I think something is wrong if my older child needs lots of discussion or consequences lined up in order to cooperative with basic requests. By learning to discipline without punishment in the early years, *I* am actually more effecient dealing with older-kid discipline issues. I might say 'Please do the dishes before playing gameboy--it will be too late afterwards and the noise of clanging dishes will wake me up". I DO make a habit of explaining my reason if it's not obvious. The most I might get from ds is some grumbling. But I don't find I need to get into detailed discussions, or hand out punishments, in order for him to see the logic of my requests and cooperate.
Anyway, just some rambling thoughts for an interesting thread...
Many people wind up in Gentle Discipline because of a personality issue with their child and traditional discipline. For whatever reason, their child just needs *more* in terms of engagement, creativity, and cooperative problem solving.
A second reason people wind up in Gentle Discipline is to learn how to parent during the window of time before a child is developmentally able to handle a traditional "When the dishes are done you can play" approach. Many 2 and 3 year olds will routinely melt down in the face of that logic, because they are not developmentally mature enough to understand the logic being used. You wind up with a toddler who is thrashing on the floor, screaming hysterically, and being less cooperative instead of more.
I have noticed that with older children, in Gentle Discipline, there is more reliance on the traditional logic you experienced in your childhood. I notice that the advice for handling problems with older children and teens is much more "traditional" than the advice for handling toddlers and preschoolers.
My explanation of this goes back to the issues I raised above. Gentle Discipline tends to be a salvation for parents of very high needs children, as well as parents of very young children. Even among GD families, there tends to be a shift towards somewhat more traditional logical consequences and more inclusion of "when/then" tactics as kids grow up.
One interesting last point is that when we talk about our own childhood memories, we are *usually* remembering ourselves from the ages of 4 or 5 and upward. Fewer adults have clear memories of their daily life at the ages of 2 and 3. What works with a 5 or 6 year old can be disastrous with a 2 year old--but few of us actually remember well enough to know this.
My rambling point is that you will notice there are very few posts here regarding older children, and I think this is for a reason. If you can survive the early years by building up the skills learned in Gentle Discipline, the older years are often easier to navigate. Not always of course, but in terms of "please put your plate in the sink before leaving the kitchen", your 10 year old will probably just think "okay" while a 2 year old may fall on the floor in hysterics. Your 10 year old might see the statement as logical, and need no further discussion, while the 2 year old takes it very differently. With GD you are looking for ways to gently and creatively involve the 2 year old, striving for an overall positive experience...because that level of creativity and patience is what a 2 year old might *need* in terms of discipline. Most 10 year olds don't need you to explain why they should put their plate in the sink, and in my experience, it has been enough to simply say "Please put your plate in the sink before leaving the kitchen". If there is resistance, I want to hear why, and get to the bottom of the issue. I think something is wrong if my older child needs lots of discussion or consequences lined up in order to cooperative with basic requests. By learning to discipline without punishment in the early years, *I* am actually more effecient dealing with older-kid discipline issues. I might say 'Please do the dishes before playing gameboy--it will be too late afterwards and the noise of clanging dishes will wake me up". I DO make a habit of explaining my reason if it's not obvious. The most I might get from ds is some grumbling. But I don't find I need to get into detailed discussions, or hand out punishments, in order for him to see the logic of my requests and cooperate.
Anyway, just some rambling thoughts for an interesting thread...
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