Help! Sibling rivalry!

[selectionsbysc]

My daughter and son fight all the time and someone always gets hurt--usually my younger 4 year old daughter. I don't know how to handle my 6 1/2 year old son, nothing is getting through to him to stop the hitting and kicking. Oftentimes, my daughter initiates it and bugs my ds. I'd like to let them work it out themselves, but when hitting and kicking is involved, I feel I must intervene. Any suggestions?

[sungod]

I have no solution but I'm watching the thread CLOSELY!!!! I'm in the same boat. Except, things don't usually get physical...just constant SCREAMING.

[bscal]

Totally taking an idea from Montessori (one of my dear friends is a Montessori teacher and gives me helpful ideas to use with my kids at home)... why not have a "Peace table"? Set up a small kids table and 2 chairs and they can sit there and calmly discuss the issue. At first you will need to sit with them and act as moderator but after awhile I would think that they will learn to compromise on their own. You need to be very careful that you encourage them to take turns speaking, don't interrupt the other child, listen carefully and they need to come up with a reasonable compromise. One that my children often do when they both want to play with the same toy is ask me to set the kitchen timer for 3 minutes. When the timer goes off they trade toys... sometimes that timer gets reset about 10 times but whatever works to keep the sanity, kwim? (Oh, and my younger DD just turned 3 so I have to sit down with them for a "meeting" when things start to get ugly and end up directing most of the meeting with my older DD.)

You may also want to sit down with your son (at a calm moment) and talk to him about alternatives to hitting. I have had to address this several times with my older DD (almost 6). The #1 rule in our house is "BE KIND". We role play and practice appropriate responses for all kinds of different situations. We talk a lot about feelings and how sometimes feeling angry can be very scary. Think of it this way, it's our job as parents to teach our child how to deal with those big scary emotions. I allow the kids to say anything to me... for example if little brother (who is 18 mos old) starts messing up something older DD is playing with she can come to me and tell me "I don't like baby brother! He makes me SO mad!" Verbally coming to me and venting her frustrations are perfectly okay, pushing him over or moving him out of the playroom and putting a baby gate up so he can't come in and play is not okay. Then I work with her on finding a way to solve the problem. Sometimes it's a matter of putting up the art supplies until he is down for a nap or I can take him with me to do laundry or something. Or finding him a few of his favorite toys to distract him.

Not that we don't occasionally have fights at our house... but teaching children to be kind to one another is an ongoing process.

Perhaps also you might want to give him an appropriate way to deal with that anger or frustration - hitting a pillow, running around the yard to burn off that energy, jumping jacks or do the freeze dance to rock music?

Beth

[heythere heather]

The book Siblings Without Rivalry is wonderful.

[carmel23]

Are they fighting when they're tired or hungry? This is usually when my guys pick on each other.

If there is no way to separate them (like when they keep going back to each other, even though they're totally bugging each other) I'll suggest that one child take a bath or shower. This usually gives them a break.

Or a change of scene is usually in order, we'll run around the block, go to the park, or just go outside and play a game.

Sometimes getting a board game out and playing with them works... or we'll read a story.

Is there a pattern to the chaos? Figure out when it happens and anticipate it (do an activity or listen to a book on tape, have a snack, etc).

Also, my 4yo can be kind of a cryer-- if his brother bugs him he'll just start crying and not tell him what is bugging him. So we talk about using our words and listening to each other.

Do they have their own space to get away for a rest?

[HeatherB]

I'm moving this thread to Parenting, where I'm sure you'll get even more responses!

[daytripper75]

I like the book "Mom, Jason's breathing on Me" by Anthony Wolf. The author says parents should do 3 things.
Don't take sides. If they know that you are going to remain neutral (except in extreme cases) they will start working things out themselves. "You two, stop it now." Separate the children if necessary.
Act fast or not at all. Act the moment you start to get irritated but act by not taking sides. "Cut it out, you two!" "I see two children who could use a family hug." Act before you are too annoyed and more likely to lose your temper/be snappish.
Don't listen. Don't put yourself in the position of judge. Answer the complaints they have in neutral terms. "Gosh, that sounds frustrating." "Do you need a hug?" "I don't want to hear it."

Wolf contends that bickering is very important. It can be noisy but it leads children to know things about their siblings. (i.e. Fifi gets mad when Lulu tells her what to do. Lulu is going to learn not to tell Fifi what to do or how to teach Fifi in a way that she will accept.)

I really love this book. I think it really taught me to stay out of my children's relationship with each other, that I can help them without dictating how the need to treat each other. They will learn to teach others how to treat them in being able to interact with their siblings without their parents always there.