Desire to "get it right"...

[Melly24]

My baby girl is seven months old now, and since she was a couple of weeks old I have felt a really strong *need* to get pg again ASAP so I can "get it done right this time" meaning birth. (Birth story here)

I'm not going to get pg anytime soon because I dont want to risk my milk drying up, but I'm worried that in a couple of years when we do TTC#2 it wont be for the right reasons in my head...kwim?

Anyone else?

[AutumnAir]

I am so sorry about your traumatic birth experience. It really sounds like the typical cascade of interventions and not anything wrong with you. It seems that you were coerced into all sorts of things that you knew you didn't want.
I also had a very traumatic birth (link here) and, yes, like you, part of me desperately wants to 'do it over'. However, I know that if I got pregnant again now it would send me off the deep end. I'm only barely holding it together as it is. Right now I don't actually want another baby ( though I've always wanted at least two) but what I really want is the chance to go back in time and do that one right. Of course, since that's not an option, the only way of somewhat erasing the horror of the bad birth is to have a good one. I know that it's not logical, but yes, I fantasise about having the birth I wanted.
But I know that I'm nowhere near being ready to go through all of that again. I'm not sure if I ever will be.
I think you'll know yourself when you really want another baby and not simply the chance to 'get it right'.

[Melly24]

Thanks so much for your reply. And I'm sorry you too didnt have the birth you wanted

Originally Posted by lisabeeprague

Right now I don't actually want another baby ( though I've always wanted at least two) but what I really want is the chance to go back in time and do that one right. Of course, since that's not an option, the only way of somewhat erasing the horror of the bad birth is to have a good one. I know that it's not logical, but yes, I fantasise about having the birth I wanted.

This is how I feel exactly. Maybe when the time is right to have another baby, I wont feel like I have to do this one over, but accept it and prepare for the next one...hopefully

[Happiestever]

I definitely had those feelings after my son was born. And I still to this day wish I could go back and change things. Seven months is still so fresh. Be easy on yourself mama, I know you are not alone. There are so many women just like you who are in the same place you are right now. You are a stronger individual because of your experience. I know I will never be the same and in many ways I am grateful for my experience. Now I take very little for granted, and educate myself to my max.

[sjuffs]

I had those feeling of wanting to be pregnant again just so I could try at a vaginal birth again the day he was born. I then waited until he was 10 months to get pregnant since my Midwife said that I could still try for a VBAC with only an 18 months interval and so as soon as she said that then I wanted to get pregnant. I have always wanted 4 kids so I did want another one but I really was getting pregnant also so I could try again and "DO IT RIGHT". Well I did and it was the most amazing experiance. What really surprised me was that it never healed the pain of my firsts cesarean birth but it filled the loss I felt from his. I felt complete that I got pregnant, carried and grew the baby, and pushed it out of my Vagina all naturally which was a huge dream of mine. I felt complete with that pregnancy and birth experiance. After wards I still feel pain and loss when I think of my Sons birth. After my VBAC I was actually more mad that it happened since obviously I proved I could do it and my body works just fine and I am more then big enough to birth them. I learned so so much in between the cesarean and VBAC and knew that I had to trust my body and let things happen completely natural even the 5 days worth of stop and start contractions, looseing my mucus plug, so crampy and achy and feeling huge I still waited it out. I read and read and researched everything I could find about VBACS and Natural Childbirth, pro and cons of all interventions, and hundreds of birth storys. I am now 7 weeks pregnant again and hoping for a HBAC. I would never ever agree to a cesarean again unless it was for the health and safety of the baby or I. I know the loss you feel and the yearning to try again. For the whole 10 months before getting pregnant again I would see a pregnant women and feel jelousy and if I heard of someone having vaginal birth especially reletives it would make me want to cry 'WHY ME" I thought I did everything right and knew so much. If you really feel you need to talk about it and it consumes your thoughts lots of the time then find a councilor or support group because it helps so much to talk to women who have been there.

Don't worry about when you try to concieve again, just because you want to try again and birth Vaginally you will still want and love your baby with every breath you take and just as much as you love your baby girl.

[Vancouver Mommy]

Very much so. I had an attempted homebirth with my first, which ended up a relatively un-traumatic midwife attended vaginal birth, except with pitocin and an epidural, fetal monitoring, catheter, IV and all that crap. I went home a few hours after the birth and had a lovely recovery at home. My second was a perfect home waterbirth - everything I could have hoped for, followed by a pretty scary ambulance ride to L&D for a manual placenta-ectomy due to a retained placenta, further complicated by a velementous cord insertion with a broken cord and pretty good PPH. Really anemic for three days and then back for a transfusion. My perfectly homebirthed son spent two nights in hospital in his first week of life. So yeah, I would love to give birth again, but I realized pretty early on that I didn't really want another child. I try to accept my births for the experiences and lessons that they gave me, and not dwell on the ways in which they weren't "ideal".

[eastkygal]

My first birth was a unnecessary c-section. She was supposed to be our only child, but I had to have a do over. I had to have a second chance. It took me a year to get pregnant. I started trying on DD1's 1st b-day. I planned an HBAC for my second. I had a great midwife and doula, but because of circumstances out of an of our control I had to be transferred to the hospital and there I had a repeat c-section. I'm still grieving that, but I am so thankful that this time I got to experience labor (didn't the first time), and Ivy chose her b-day. I love my second child just as much as my first, and I don't regret having another baby for the do over experience. The only trouble now is that I know another child would be too much of a strain on me healthwise, financially, and emotionally, but I still have the longing of getting a do-over. My recommendation is that you fully evaluate if your lifestyle and hopes for the future accomodate another child going along for the ride. If it does, go for it. If not... I'm not sure what to do because I'm still trying to figure that one out.

[WendyBee]

I'm so glad you posted this! That's exactly how I felt as well! There's just something so comforting in finding out that you're not the only one...

I'm with sjuffs - I wanted to be pregnant again the day #1 was born. We waited 5 months before actively trying and, when that didn't happen, did our second round of IVF 3 months after that and got twins! It left me with mixed emotions because I had wanted twins the first time around but the second I really wanted a VBAC and I had had a hard enough time finding a doctor who would even let me attempt a VBAC period! I ended up having to go through more consults halfway through my pregnancy because of the multiples but it was soooo worth it! My doctor was wonderful and my VBAC was incredible and I think getting to do it with twins just made it all the sweeter. In fact, I really think it has been the climax of my life to this point. I would relive that night all over again. Sometimes it makes me sad now because it's over. (I'm already looking forward to #4 to do it all over again, but I need more sleep first!)

I agree with the others - as long as you want more kids and take into consideration how close they will be should you actually get pregnant right away - GO FOR IT! A VBAC is amazing. I know it doesn't work out that way for everyone so you'll definitely want to try to come to terms with the fact that you might end up with a repeat. But I think at least knowing your options and doing all you can to have the birth you want would make it a little easier the second time around. (Maybe not. Apologies if I'm stepping on any toes here.)

I'm so wordy - sorry. The other amazing thing is how fast the time goes. It's hard to believe that it's already been 2 years now since I was in your shoes. I remember feeling like each day that I was making myself wait was an eternity. Try to focus on enjoying your first baby because, even if you get the birth experience you want, you won't get the chance to have just one baby again.

[kalamos23]

I'm so glad I found this post - I have been struggling since DD was born with wanting a do over. We planned on having 2 anyway, but DD has multiple food intolerances right now and I can't risk getting pregnant for a while because she needs her milk. DD's birth was a UC turned hospital transfer after 43 hours of labor - ended up with a vaginal delivery but I got there in transition and my water broke as I stepped out of the car at the hospital so I know I could have done it by myself, which really irks me. I hit the typical "I can't do this anymore" transition wall and I think DD was slightly malpositioned, which the car ride fixed. I didn't have to go through any major interventions like you girls have had to, but I still have really been struggling with not having her birth the peaceful way that I wanted her to have it. I'm so glad I'm not alone in these feelings!

[alicia9178]

I had a traumatic birth with my 1st and spent a multiple number of times trying to do it right with subsequent births. Then a few babies down the line I ended up with a C-section and with my last baby born 7/15 planned a homebirth to try to have more "control". What I finally learned was that I could not "make" it right after my home VBAC turned into a hospital VBAC...but she was still a VBAC...so I guess I accomplished something. It took a lot for me to learn that I just cannot "control" my birth and I just had to really take time to process the experience. I did the best I could to have an optimal expereince, and then I just had to really accept what I was handed. Interstingly enough I used the following part of the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
It helped in a small way.
Alicia