Is there a tribe for people who tend to alienate others?

[Miss Information]

I don't know how to keep female friendships going for longer than a few years before I do something boneheaded to make them mad at me.

Even relationships with my sisters and mother are often strained. I usually am pretty okay with it, but sometimes it truly is stinky. I do get lonely with just me and my kids and my husband.

I try not to sit in judgment of others, but if I think there is another perspective (usually an AP, gentle discipline, natural health alternative kind of things lately), I will offer it. I tend to be a bit of an intellectual (not really doing much atm other than reading a lot and thinking about lots of different things), though I don't go around spouting out about the things I think about too much. Nobody would really care.

I've got pretty high standards for myself, but really, I'm easygoing on others. I do not act superior at all. I do look into the heart of a person and can usually make friends with certain people quite easily (keeping them going over the years is much, much harder). The only long-term friends I really have are men. I have 5 male friends I've been friends with. One is 24 years, one is 20 years, one is 10 years strong. Not bad, I think.

The only rule I have with regards to relationships (friend or family of origin)is: don't ever attack me or my kin, particularly without provocation. I will not sit quietly by without defending my own. But apparently, even though I think I have well thought-out POV, dh tends to think I am harsher and less accommodating when I feel attacked. It could be, all those years of being emotionally abused by my mother and two of my sisters could have a lot to do with it.

I've always tried to go for what I think are logical responses to things. And I tend to analyze way too much, but I also really am highly sensitive too. Yet at the same time, I have to be right. This having to be right may have cost me some friendships.

Sigh. So, is there a thread for women like this? Or something similar?

[MusicianDad]

If you get that tribe can I join? I know I'm a guy and all, and I do have some close friends, but a majority of people can only take me in small doses for the very same reasons you stated. The only difference is, it's not just me and my kin I'll defend. If anyone gets attacked, even verbally, particularly without provocation, I will come down on you hard. "I don't agree with what you say, I will defend to the death your right to say it." is how I live my life. Even people who are attacked for voicing an opinion that goes against everything I believe, will end up with me defending their right to say it. That tends to be the end all for most of the friends who decide to cut me out, because I won't let them verbally attack someone who thinks different then them. Now if it's a regular debate and going well and no name calling or personal insults, that's fine. But as soon as you start getting nasty with someone, watch out cause I will call you on it.

I've been labelled the official stirrer of sh** with some people I talk to regularly because of it.

I have also been referred to as a know it all. I don't try and I don't really think I know it all, but if I do know something is wrong or not quite accurate then I find it nearly impossible to keep quiet.

I'm not overly sensetive though, but I have been discribed as empathic. Which never made sense to me but oh well.

[Miss Information]

Musician dad -
Sure you can. I think I will change my title to be more inclusive of everyone.

I remember you from another forum. I've always liked the way you think.

Yes, empathetic is how I view myself too. That being said, I have a very strong sense of justice and it gets me into trouble. While I'm fairly smart, I'm not that able to see when I've crossed the line from being logical to being rude. Most people don't want to be wrong (heck, not even me). I could be right on every point I've made, but as my dh has told me, he perceives it as being personally attacked. Yet, I only see it as being logical.

You know, I really, really like the character of Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory. He was never apologetic for his need to be right. But he also didn't care either if people didn't like him for it either.

When I worked (in forensics and then medical genetics), I had a lot more opportunity to relate to others. I had a lot of opportunities for practicing being tactful, I think. Now that I'm a SAHP, I am down to a mere few. And the mere few is suddenly disappearing.

Sigh. I was warned I shouldn't have quit my career. But I was weak. I just couldn't maintain a full time career and be gone 11 hours a day from my little ones. Now I just don't have that many people to really interact with, and definitely not on the level I need. And I managed to alienate one and possibly another (who is a mutual friend of the one).

Anyway, "thanks for stopping by (and stay classy San Diego)" *. Hopefully others will wanna join too.

*****

Anyone know what movie that's a quote from? 10 points if you know the answer.

[MusicianDad]

Yay! Thank you! And I promise I won't get mad if you call me on my crap.

[MusicianDad]

Oh, and my puns don't help me make friends either.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Oh, and my puns don't help me make friends either.

Did you know there are many different pun formats? You probably did, but for others reading...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun

Formats for punning
* Bilingual pun
* Daffynition
* Feghoot
* Knock-knock joke
* Malapropism
* Shaggy dog story
* Spoonerism
* Tom Swifty
* Transpositional pun

I'm so stinkin' bored, lonely and starved for intellectual stimulation I'm off on a diversion on Wiki reading all about the different types of puns.

I'm a lover of humor, so have pun all you want!

I love self-referential statements:

This sentence has no period


I love language. I love word play. "I love lamp" (10 points for knowing what movie this is from - hint: it's the same movie as the one above).

"I palindrome I" (10 points for knowing who sang this song).

I haven't been this silly in a long time. So thanks my friend.:

[DreamsInDigital]

I'm really bad at tact. I tend to drive people away IRL because I say things before I think about how they might be heard by others. Most people think I'm really weird. I just don't have a brain to mouth filter. The other day my neighbor asked to borrow the phone. I said sure and happily handed it over. Later he brought it back and without thinking I said "So when are you getting your phone turned back on?" He looked at me oddly for a second and replied that he didn't know, times were tough at the moment and he just needed to call his mom to ask for help with his electric bill.
It wasn't until MUCH later that I realized he might have thought I was annoyed at his borrowing my phone. I really, truly was happy to help my neighbor and felt absolutely no irritation at his use of the phone. I was really just wondering if they were going to have to live without a phone for a while and instead I came off sounding like a big ol' meanie.

Just one prime example. Way to go!

[MusicianDad]

"I love lamp" is from Anchorman isn't it?

"I palindrome I" is by They Might Be Giants.

Here's a gramatically correct sentense for you

"Colourless green ideas sleep furiously."

Other interesting sentencest:

"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

and the same type in French:

"Voix ambiguë d'un cœur qui au zéphyr préfère les jattes de kiwis."

I love palindromes too:

What palindrome did Adam use to introduce himself to Eve?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Madam, I'm Adam"

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital

I'm really bad at tact. I tend to drive people away IRL because I say things before I think about how they might be heard by others. Most people think I'm really weird. I just don't have a brain to mouth filter. The other day my neighbor asked to borrow the phone. I said sure and happily handed it over. Later he brought it back and without thinking I said "So when are you getting your phone turned back on?" He looked at me oddly for a second and replied that he didn't know, times were tough at the moment and he just needed to call his mom to ask for help with his electric bill.
It wasn't until MUCH later that I realized he might have thought I was annoyed at his borrowing my phone. I really, truly was happy to help my neighbor and felt absolutely no irritation at his use of the phone. I was really just wondering if they were going to have to live without a phone for a while and instead I came off sounding like a big ol' meanie.

Just one prime example. Way to go!

Maybe your neighbour has a difficult time understand some body language associated with curiosity.

I've had that happen before, but it happens when I fail to express my meaning physically as well as verbally so they miss read what I'm trying to say.

[annettemarie]

As a focused discussion, this belongs in personal growth, so I am going to move it there.

[TEAK's Mom]

I could wear out the nodding smily here:

overly empathic: Check
too many obscure references: Check
unwilliness to tolerate unkindness: Check
too intellectual: Check
knows the words to old TMBG songs: Check

Yeah. I'll be back.

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

As a focused discussion, this belongs in personal growth, so I am going to move it there.

Um...okay, but I don't understand why? What does focused discussion mean? Did I manage to alienate us from the finding your tribe forum ? I guess I don't know the rules of the tribal area.

[annettemarie]

FYT is for discussions not hosted in other areas MDC. based on your OP, this seemed like a topic best hosted in Personal Growth. Feel free to PM me with any other questions.

[Miss Information]

Okay, I guess I understand that. Though, being put here this assumes I want to grow and actually make changes to my fundamental nature. I'm not so sure I'm the one that needs to, or even wants to change. I am who I am, and for the most part, I like me, warts and all. I've decided that I'd much rather make friends online and forget real people. Okay, not really. But sort of.



Just was looking for commiseration, I guess. Not so much ideas on how to change, but basically find others who are like me that have trouble in the friendship department because we stand pretty strong on certain values/beliefs etc.

[annettemarie]

OK, I couldn't sleep because I was stressed out over this. I'm going to go ahead and move you back to FYT. Sorry for any inconvenience.

[annettemarie]

OK, you're back. Have a great night!

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

OK, I couldn't sleep because I was stressed out over this. I'm going to go ahead and move you back to FYT. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Thanks, we do appreciate it.

[mystic~mama]

hi there~ i read the posts and i feel like i relate in the sense that i don't easily make friends...I think maybe I purposely alienate myself...I am introverted and dont need to be around people all the much...I do have some need and feel more confident socially but also tend to shy away and want my own space...I have no idea if this fits this tribe or not and I feel like i am blabbing now...

[MusicianDad]

I think it probably fits. Others definatly tend to stay away from people who need their own space regularly. It's not a bad thing, but it's something your friends really have to understand really want to stick around. Apparently because humans are social creatures, we're supposed to want to be social all the time.

[EXOLAX]

Me! Me! Me! Can I join?

I saw this thread and said to myself "Oh yea...". Interestingly enough I recognize some of the posters here and I only visit a few forums.

Apparently I alienate people without even trying. I have learned that my personality type is in direct opposition to some others. I am direct, with a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I do not handle overt exclusionary behavior well and I have a strong reaction to statements of judgment stated as fact. I love to discuss, research, debate. I do not have social phobias of any kind and have been know to strike up conversations with complete strangers. Many times I am accused of being argumentative because I ask "why, how, or what information do you have to back that up?" kind of statements. I am a critical thinker and a skeptic. I have been told that I am intimidating and mom-friends (YK, the relationship based solely around the kids) tell me they don't like to discuss things with me because I have too much information on different subjects. It's pretty much a given that if someone is passive-aggressive we won't get along, if they also happen to be a judgmental or insecure mother then it seems I will most likely become their nemesis. (We're back on the playground here....)

Can I join? DH and I have a few close friends who all happen to be similar in personality to us, some with even less social grace. I long for the day I meet another mom who doesn't assume my knowledge on any subject isn't a judgment against their choices.