Is there a tribe for people who tend to alienate others? - Page 6

[expecting-joy]

OMG! I just read the first page and thought Me! Me! Me! can I join????

I recognize a few of you and hope to catch up soon. I live far from the culture in which I was raised, although I probably didn't fit in there either. College was the best experience I had being around like-minded people. Here it's definitely hard. The few friends that just accept me (and I them) no matter what even when we say/do off things are many time zones away.

I have no real relationship with my siblings. One has hated me since I was born. One lives on another planet and one is sweet, but not too deep or involved, and they all live far away. My mom died when I was young. I can can talk to my dad about the weather or the front page, but only superficially. It's frustrating and lonely.

When I make friends here they tend to be transient, as in not from here and moving on to someplace else. And it's hard to get to that deep level of satisfaction where you can talk about life and interesting things. Enough about nothing already...

I'll be checking back in. I hope you'll have me. :

(I hope that last smiley wasn't too creepy.)

Oh, in response to a couple items from the beginning of the thread, I cannot stand people being mean to others or crass or disrepectful. Ugh! I've seen far too much of that lately. And I love language and well learning just about anything.

[Spuds]

From what I've read many of you sound like you fall into a classic INTP personality type (or similar)... just like me :. If you're interested you can take the following test to determine if I'm right:

http://www.personalitytest.net/cgi-bin/q.pl

[Not Sure]

Oh please let me join, too!

Wow is this thread so me! And my DH, too - he is, in fact, an INTP. I am an INFJ, though the J is barely a J and in fact I even tested as a P once, and while I'm a strong F that in no way implies lack of T ability - in fact I am incredibly analytical and logical (science/math major in college and was working as a scientist until I got laid off a few months ago) but, due possibly to some really weird/abusive situations in childhood I am VERY uncomfortable with discord around me, and being very empathic it can affect me very strongly emotionally, so I always test F. It's like I know what's logical without even trying, and don't understand why others might not see what's so obvious, but unless it's one of my "things" (I'm very idealistic and certain principles I will defend to the death!) I'll often just let the other people "win" to get the bad vibes over with. Of course, I then resent them for it, but I care so little for most people half the time anyway it doesn't matter I suppose...

Anyway, I wanted to respond/write more, but I'm 8 months pregnant and been having terrible insomnia for the past few weeks (averaging maybe 3-4 hours of interrupted/disjointed sleep per night, and only 2 last night) so I need to go lay down now because I can't keep my eyes open much longer - not that I'll actually sleep when I lie down

Just wanted to say I'm SOOOO happy this tribe is here - I've been so lonely since moving to Florida and leaving my 2-3 good friends in Maine, and now I'm preggers and unemployed (way to go, corporate America, lay-off the pregnant lady and call yourselves "family-oriented!") and it's so hard to find anyone who "gets" me. Now I know why - you've all been here at MDC in this tribe!

[Danielsmom]

I want to join this tribe.

I can relate to some of the personality traits described here. I'm straightforward, kindhearted, sometimes tactless, but ultimately I wish people well and am generally harmless. Passive aggressive behavior drives me batty. Seeing cliques and social exclusion at work enrages me.

I think of myself as some sort of friendly cocker spaniel that might pee on someone's foot by accident, but whose tail would be wagging the entire time. "Oh, hi! Oops! Didn't mean it! Could you please throw the ball for me?"

However, I must give off some socially bad pheremone because in various social situations, I've been excluded. This is tough because while I am somewhat introverted, I actually thrive on social interaction. I do enjoy talking with adults.

As a stay at home mom, I have been incredibly lonely the last several years. I often feel that very few people "get" me. It's very hard to make friends as a stay at home mom. I never had this problem when I worked outside the home. In fact, in every place I worked, I made friends.

I have been fortunate through perseverance and damn hard work to make some fabulous mom friends and they have kindly alluded to my social goofyness. One mom described me as never "putting on airs" (why would I want to?). Another mom, when I was describing my current social dilemma of being excluded, said, "sweetie, you just need to keep trying so that people can see the wonderful person you really are." I, uh, need to get some clarification..."really are"?

And yet, in spite of being lonely, I have found joy in discovering the world with my kids, in rediscovering activities that I have loved for many years (nature hikes, writing, gardening, birdwatching, running), and focusing on those friendships that are flourishing.

[Not Sure]

Yeah!! We have successfully alienated this tribe!:

High fives all around to Danielsmom, Spuds, and expecting-joy!!

[crunchy_mama]

I have read this tribe a half- dozen times at least nodding my head in agreement. Reading others articulate so well what I feel and have experienced is so helpful. I was just telling dh today- I just don't understand people- I can truly have good intentions and thoughts put everything on the line for someone and then they read me as trying to screw them or judge them? I also make friends easily but keeping them or making it a deeper relationship, not so much.

I am trying to work on accepting that it is just who I am. It is hard for me knowing that I do not mean others harm and my actions and words are often misinterpreted. I totally come off as a know-it-all as well and judgmental- even when I am not trying to me.

I have a horrible sense of humor and others see me as brutally honest. I cannot hide my facial expressions well.

[savannah smiles]

A big "howdy" to all my fellow alienaters (sp?)! I've been following this thread for awhile but wanted to finally join.

I actually went earlier this year to be evaluated for Asperger's since it seemed to be the description that most fit me. As it turns out, I was dx'd with something called Schizoid Personality Disorder. Don't let the schizoid part of that alarm you, it just means "turned inwards." It's the most rare of personality disorders in terms of how often it's diagnosed and can often be confused w/ Asperger's.

While it was a relief to see "me" all spelled out, it was also a bummer to know that no matter how hard I worked, I wasn't likely to ever truly be different from how I am now. I really like me, but few others share that sentiment, lol! I've lived in my current house for 2.5 years and don't have what I would considered a true friend in the area, just casual ones. If I do end up finding a good friend, the wait would be well worth it!

I'll be following and popping in on this thread more often. It's nice to be with people who get it. :

[Juuulie]

Well! This is my very first post in these forums. I was planning to lurk a bit longer but when I found this thread I couldn't resist jumping in.

I recognized myself over and over again in all these posts. I'm an INTJ, I have no use for small talk, I analyze EVERYTHING, people think I am arrogant because I am direct and don't hold back when I know the answer, I am socially awkward, have very few friends, etc., etc., etc.

It's helped a lot to discover (thank you internet!) that I'm not the only one. Also, I realized that in the same way that history is written by the winners, pop culture is created by the extroverts. There was a funny/poignant article in The Atlantic a few years ago called "Caring for Your Introvert" that talks about this very thing:

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private" -- narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Indeed!

It doesn't help matters that my kids are turning out to be every bit as introverted as their mother. I would like to be able to teach them the skills they need to navigate our "extrovertist society," but how can I when I barely have those skills myself?

[elizabeth70]

I haven't posted here in forever, but I'm loving this thread! I just took the personality quiz, says I'm an "INFP", sent it to my DH and he got the same result. Love the "Caring for Your Introvert" article too!

Ok, off to read more posts!

Originally Posted by Spuds

From what I've read many of you sound like you fall into a classic INTP personality type (or similar)... just like me :. If you're interested you can take the following test to determine if I'm right:

http://www.personalitytest.net/cgi-bin/q.pl

[Not Sure]

The thing is, it's not exactly "societal," it's that 75% of the human population is extroverted and only 25% is introverted. We're just rarer than the extroverts, and majority rules. However, I find introverts to be far more interesting people, but then that may be because I AM one! I do find it aggravating, though, that introverts are usually described in such derogatory terms. We're not wrong, just different!

[expecting-joy]

Ah, so I'm a rare gem! :

Did anyone else exhibit libran tendencies toward that personality test. There were only four or five clear cut answers for me. The rest I wanted to answer with "it depends" and a short dissertation or I wanted to click somewhere on a spectrum line. For instance, a party where everyone is chit-chatting on inane topics makes me insane, whereas I have no trouble giving a long lecture to a crowd and fielding questions.

Dh and I took our kids to a friend of our dd's birthday party Saturday. It was so painful. We are able to fit in well enough, but it's so frustrating that no one has anything real to talk about. Do people just generally seem empty to gyou?

[expecting-joy]

Oh yes, and the craving peace and quiet/privacy versus social interaction...

I do crave social interaction. I crave those lovely late night conversations about the meaning of life and how to fix education and politics in this country with similarly interested, intelligent, thoughful people.

But I love me some privacy and peace and quiet. My biggest problem with our current home is that our yard is too exposed and I want privacy. I also don't like to share everything I'm up to. I like to have my private sphere. I have trouble with my Bekannten (acquaintance-friends) here, because they feel if you want to do stuff together sometimes, you want to do stuff together every day. I don't. And neither do my kids. My 5 yo likes to sit around and read half the day. My 2 yo likes to play pretend quietly with her trains and wooden people, animals and blocks. Somedays I worry because these Bekannten expect me to invite them when we go on outings, but although the three of us enjoy that sometimes, we also just like our quiet outings by ourselves, KWIM?

I miss the friends that I could feed the kids and then eat dinner with after putting the kids to bed and then stay up half the night chatting. Conversely, these same friends would be totally up for going dancing with me, whereas the Bekannten here want to be together all the time but not do the active things I love, like playing a game of waterpolo or volleyball or going dancing or ice-skating or skiing. It's weird.

Or maybe I am. I'm athletic and enthusiastic, but cannot do superficial or bystander. I like to be very organized, but can do instantaneous, depending on the circumstances. It's harder with young kids who have food allergies and need naps and some planning.

[greenthumb3]

Originally Posted by expecting-joy

Oh yes, and the craving peace and quiet/privacy versus social interaction...

I do crave social interaction. I crave those lovely late night conversations about the meaning of life and how to fix education and politics in this country with similarly interested, intelligent, thoughful people.

But I love me some privacy and peace and quiet.

Oh, let's be friends! This is me! I would forego the party chat and board games my whole family LOVES in favor of great conversation about topics that are meaningful to me/us. (I play to sneak in some fun conversation, but never play to win; I am not "motivated by competition".

I also love peace and quiet and becoming a mother has challenged that aspect as there are so many clamoring voices so much of the time and I crave those quiet moments, I need to journal and write poetry and talk to myself on long walks.

I have been feeling more and more lonely, esp. as my family members grow up and I discover how different I am than most everyone and that my in-laws tolerate me but really don't "get" me. Even my closest (only) friend comments on how "serious" I tend to be. I am a thoughtful person who likes to think about things below the surface and dig "deep". I guess that turns most people off?

I am really struggling with people at church, my main "social group" I face weekly. It seems like no matter what I do or say, ppl get the wrong idea about me entirely. I am letting go of the expectation they will understand me and that I will almost always be more patient/understanding with them than they are with me. Sometimes I wish I knew what I did that was "wrong", but then I look around and realize it's my genuine nature and not trying to compete that puts ppl ill at ease, b/c it brings into question their way of being. I work hard at being fair and even and kind, but I no longer go out of my way to please people, and I am glad to be free of that old burden, needing constant validation. I have a hard time understanding the "social rules"--or maybe, I understand them but disagree with them simultaneously and refuse to play by the status quo, which I disagree with and actually do not "vote" for by my behavior (you know, those "self-appointed alpha people")
Anyway, I am officially joining!

[greenthumb3]

Originally Posted by expecting-joy

Ah, so I'm a rare gem! :

Did anyone else exhibit libran tendencies toward that personality test. There were only four or five clear cut answers for me.

YES! There were some I could say yes to both, or need to explain more, but overall, I think my results are fairly accurate. Funny, cause I went to college to be a family therapist but left to raise a family. I guess I am rare, too, part of 1% of the population!

INFJ: "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1% of the total population. These are serious students and workers who really want to contribute. They are private and easily hurt. They make good spouses, but tend to be physically reserved. People often think they are psychic. They make good therapists, general practitioners, ministers, and so on.

[Mamacitac]

Oh man! I could have so wrote your post, OP! Seriously, I had to look at your username to make sure it wasn't me or started this thread.haha
I can especially related to pushing my sisters and mom away. I hate being alone (well I have dh and boys) but I also dread the idea of starting new friendships and stuff because of the many times I've been burned in the past by other female friends and vice versa. I just hate real life people.

[Mamacitac]

What does it mean if I'm too lazy to read and fill out the personality test?
I want to do, but I can't get into it.

[punkrawkmama27]

Can I join this thread? I have made so many friends over the years, but only one of them do I talk to regularly anymore. My best friend is male, we have been friends for 24 years. I just dont feel like putting on an act to make someone like me.

[punkrawkmama27]

And, can I just add, that I wasnt always like this. In highschool, I just didnt care if I people liked me or not, but as I got older and was at home with children all day, I craved someone to talk to other than my children. But, I felt I had to change who I was in order to find a friend. After being the last time of being burned by a new friend, I decided that I am going to just be myself. I am not mean, and try not to judge people, but I am also not going to exhaust myself to keep a friend that wouldnt like the real me! I have one friend that I talk to regularly that is female, and I dont have to act fake with. That to me is a true friend.

Also... most days I am completly happy just spending the day with my children and their father when he gets home from work.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Not Sure

The thing is, it's not exactly "societal," it's that 75% of the human population is extroverted and only 25% is introverted. We're just rarer than the extroverts, and majority rules. However, I find introverts to be far more interesting people, but then that may be because I AM one! I do find it aggravating, though, that introverts are usually described in such derogatory terms. We're not wrong, just different!

[bubbledumpster]

Hi. I think I belong here.

I seem to be able to alienate people within 10 minutes of meeting them.
I'm tired of having people tell me they never know what I'm going to say next or that I'm weird or crazy or that my personality and the things I do don't make sense.

Everything I do makes perfect sense to me.