Is there a tribe for people who tend to alienate others? - Page 3

[expat-mama]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

I really don't get why somepeople can't be friends with someone who has some big difference of opinions. I can understand something being non-negotiable. But of the friends I have that have stuck with me, there are some big differences we have that we respect in each other because there are some big sames in there too.

Well, I have to admit I fall into this group a bit. (Again, it's funny because we are discussing this same thing in The No Friend Lonely Mamas tribe.) As I said before there are a bunch of issues I am extremely passionate about (I guess your big-ticket issues like racism, religion, politics, social/economic organization). In the other tribe, we were talking about being "intolerant of intolerant people" and "judgmental of prejudiced people". I have a really hard time being friends with people that don't see eye to eye with me on the "big stuff". I suppose it comes down to what you regard as non-negotiable, as you mentioned. For me that's a pretty big list. I'm an idealist and I've got high (perhaps unrealistic) standards.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital

I've been really driving myself crazy lately. I'm way too empathetic and other people's problems and struggles and difficulties affect me more than they seem to affect other people. And so I try to express that caring and empathy and desire to help and I come off as a crazy person! I don't get it!

They aren't used to other people caring enough to try and help them. So you scare them. That's my experience anyway.

[DreamsInDigital]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

They aren't used to other people caring enough to try and help them. So you scare them. That's my experience anyway.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Plus it helps that I'm pregnant and constantly crying over every stupid little thing.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital

Yeah, I get that a lot. Plus it helps that I'm pregnant and constantly crying over every stupid little thing.

So they want to deal with one of those TV pg moms from a decade ago who never had any actual symptoms of pregnancy then...

[EXOLAX]

Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital

I've been really driving myself crazy lately. I'm way too empathetic and other people's problems and struggles and difficulties affect me more than they seem to affect other people. And so I try to express that caring and empathy and desire to help and I come off as a crazy person! I don't get it!

Or they are cynical and don't trust your motives.

FWIW I don't take help easily. Empathy is great, but I'm a do it all myself kind of gal. Like someone else posted, some people really want their space when they are going through a tough time.

[annettemarie]

Several posts have been removed from this thread due to a negativity and disrespectful that are not in the spirit of Mothering.

Please keep the User Agreement in mind when posting:

Mothering invites you to read and participate in the discussions. In doing so we ask that you agree to respect and uphold the integrity of this community. Through your direct or indirect participation here you agree to make a personal effort to maintain a comfortable and respectful atmosphere for our guests and members.

and

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.

We will not host a tribe that exists to be negative or put down others. If the tribe continues in this vein, it will be removed.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Please do not discuss it on the thread.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by EXOLAX

Or they are cynical and don't trust your motives.

That's all I'm going to say about it because I tend to alienate people when I say more.

[AaronsMommy]

Could I join please? I had to stop reading all the posts and respond because I am absolutely shocked (and elated) that there are so many people out there that sound EXACTLY like me!

- I simply cannot get along with any mom (or dad) that is the slightest bit insecure about their parenting abilities. I try and I consider myself an empathetic person (but apprently they don't.) Someone recently told me that I "take myself too seriously" and "being a good mom/wife is too important to me" for us to be friends because it puts too much pressure on her and makes her feel like a bad mom/wife.

- People constantly get frustrated with me and shy away (or halt) conversations with me because I have too much information on subjects and insist on getting REAL information on issues and products before I act or buy, etc.

- I have no problem making friends, but keeping friends is near impossible for me.

- I am very intrinsic and I know exactly who I am, how I am feeling and what I need and I think that scares people?

Okay, I could blab on forever, but I'll stop I'm just really excited to keep reading and be a part of the conversation. Thanks for starting this tribe!

PS ~ I've been lurking around MDC for about a year now and I rarely ever see posts from Dad's, so I love hearing your point of view MusicianDad. Your post below, I could have written myself!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad
"I tend to be very anti-social because I find people who consider me knowing things to be a bad thing to be, well, a bad thing. I don't think less of someone because they aren't the studious type, but when they judge ME for doing lots of research about just about anything I have a hard time being nice to or even wanting to talk to them."

[Dewberry]

Miss, I could have wrote your post! LOL

People make me nervous in real life, I've been burned by friends and in the back of my mind I do not want to waste my time getting close to anyone anymore, including MY mom and sister.
I hate it.
I'm so lonely, dh works night shift so he is either sleeping or at work and the sucks.

I hope to read more stories on this, I was beginning to think I was the only one, yanno?

[Verity]

Way back when, before I had children (my oldest is now 14), I had close friends. Since then, I've drifted apart from most old friends. I rarely make new friends because I am shy and even when I do talk to new people, I tend to put my foot in my mouth. I cannot seem to offer an opinion in a way that doesn't offend or alienate people. When I do manage to make a friend, the friendship doesn't last more than a couple of years before I do something stupid. My husband seems to be the only adult who can put up with me.

I've often wondered how my relationships got to this point. I used to chalk it up to not having enough emotional energy for people other than my husband and children, but it occurred to me recently that much of these difficulties began around the time my older sister died, in December of 1995. She'd had problems with depresssion and substance abuse and died of a drug and alcohol overdose. She may or may not have had the conscious thought of killing herself that night, but I suppose it can be argued that if a person is at the point that she doesn't care how much she's drinking and how she's mixing alcohol with drugs, she doesn't care if she lives or dies and and her behavior is, in essence, suicidal.

Maybe the timing of my interpersonal issues is coincidental, or maybe my inability to get along with people has something to with not having completely processed my sister's death and having unresolved anger against the world and God. I also feel defective, that something is wrong with my family, and by extension with me, that something considered unspeakable, such as suicide, could have happened in my immediate family.

The more I write, the more I realize I probably need a support thread for suicide survivors.

[mom2anangel]

I feel like I fit in here. I tend to alienate people a lot. We came into natural parenting after DD was born. It wasn't a decision made prior to giving birth. DH and I still are working towards becoming more natural. I tend to alienate families who have made the decision to be natural since before the birth of their children and people who have always been that way. I ask to many questions and I think they feel like I'm questioning their decisions rather that asking for more info. I also tend to alienate friends I had before had DD and while I was preggo, most of them are a lot more mainstream than I care to be. My family also has mainstream values so it's hard to deal with them sometimes. All in all I have a hard time making friends because I'm very set in my beliefs and feel like I have to defend them to family. I'm very open when other people have different beliefs, I just am over confrontational when people tell me my parenting choices are wrong. That's all for now, it's nice to know there is a group out there that i fit in.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by mom2anangel

I feel like I fit in here.

Me too!

[sunnymw]

I belong here It's also hit-or-miss with family because when I do things differently, it's sometimes seen as an attack on their methods. But you know, to each their own.

[Swirly]

Originally Posted by Miss Information

Okay, I guess I understand that. Though, being put here this assumes I want to grow and actually make changes to my fundamental nature. I'm not so sure I'm the one that needs to, or even wants to change. I am who I am, and for the most part, I like me, warts and all. I've decided that I'd much rather make friends online and forget real people. Okay, not really. But sort of.



Just was looking for commiseration, I guess. Not so much ideas on how to change, but basically find others who are like me that have trouble in the friendship department because we stand pretty strong on certain values/beliefs etc.

HAHAH, OMG - this is so me! I am a self-professed PITA because of my profound sense of justice and ideals, my inability to censor my mouth, my stupid, tactless honesty, my inability to let someone state something that isn't correct, LoL. I am a total joy to be with, I am sure.

I also really don't like people for very long once I get to know them. Their imperfections bother me as much or more as my own do. I am so easily disappointed in others when I feel they are disloyal or something.

[magentamomma]

joining! Back later

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by Verity

Way back when, before I had children (my oldest is now 14), I had close friends. Since then, I've drifted apart from most old friends. I rarely make new friends because I am shy and even when I do talk to new people, I tend to put my foot in my mouth. I cannot seem to offer an opinion in a way that doesn't offend or alienate people. When I do manage to make a friend, the friendship doesn't last more than a couple of years before I do something stupid. My husband seems to be the only adult who can put up with me.

I've often wondered how my relationships got to this point. I used to chalk it up to not having enough emotional energy for people other than my husband and children, but it occurred to me recently that much of these difficulties began around the time my older sister died, in December of 1995. She'd had problems with depresssion and substance abuse and died of a drug and alcohol overdose. She may or may not have had the conscious thought of killing herself that night, but I suppose it can be argued that if a person is at the point that she doesn't care how much she's drinking and how she's mixing alcohol with drugs, she doesn't care if she lives or dies and and her behavior is, in essence, suicidal.

Maybe the timing of my interpersonal issues is coincidental, or maybe my inability to get along with people has something to with not having completely processed my sister's death and having unresolved anger against the world and God. I also feel defective, that something is wrong with my family, and by extension with me, that something considered unspeakable, such as suicide, could have happened in my immediate family.

The more I write, the more I realize I probably need a support thread for suicide survivors.

Verity, I'm so sorry. There is a million things you could probably hypothesize about what added up to the final result, but I can assure you it wasn't your fault. The combination of depression and substance abuse renders a person with really little ability to make good judgments. I know, when I've been close to having suicidal thoughts, the only thing I thought about what how I badly felt and how I much I wanted it to stop. You don't think much about how your actions will affect others. You have to forgive yourself, your family, AND your sister. You didn't cause her depression, and like a run-away train, you could not have stopped it either. She was going through her own personal hell, but you don't have to continue to hold on to the guilt that you live with or be angry with others for not being able to stop it from happening either.

I know, though it's easier said than done. I'm a sensitive person, particularly with regards to family. I would probably need emotional support to let go. Sometimes, we hold on to the guilt, because if we didn't, we might be afraid we might forget about the person we lost. But you never forget. You just forget to hurt as much until one day, you are a stronger place and it doesn't hurt quite so much.

My heart hurts for you, because I can imagine the pain. I've felt that kind of loss then I lost two babies, and when I held my sisters hand and watched her give birth to her stillborn son. Only you have a lifetime of memories with her to mourn. I'm so sorry.

[sunkissedmumma67]

I belong here! I'm very introverted, and happily so. I haven't had friends in several years. After i divorced my 24 hrs a day partying husband, i realized all my friends were through him (party people too) and i wasn't even like them. Also i didn't even really like them either! It's not that i don't want friends but i got to have some stuff incommon. I even alienate people online. I dont mean too or maybe i do? Hmmmmmmmmmmm, well anyway its like they say 1 thing that i really dont like and i'm outta there! I lose all interrest in getting to know them further. Its also hard for me where i live, not many parents into natural parenting at all! They look at U like you are CRAZY, if U don't parent by the mainstream rules and live the mainstream life!

[Lilypie32]

Ah ha! I found my tribe.

I have 3 good friends. 1 of them I've know since gradeschool and our friendship is great with the exception of our almost yearly, nasty fight. The other friend is a really good friend but she is making some awful choices in life that I do not support. And the last friend is an ex-bf who was bi when with me and is now gay.

I am not good at making friends. I am strong-willed, independent, indifferent to most people, I just don't like most people. I prefer to do things with my 3 friends, or with my Mom or alone. I have always been a loner and a homebody. All of those traits were not a positive in my marrage which ended in divorce. I am happier being single. I always have been!

I trust almost no one. I'm cynical and loud. If I don't like what action you take by me like accidently running over my foot with your grocery cart and you then do not apologize you will hear from me til you get in your car and drive away.

[Verity]

Originally Posted by Miss Information

I've felt that kind of loss then I lost two babies, and when I held my sisters hand and watched her give birth to her stillborn son.

I am so sorry for the losses you and your sister experienced. I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.

I appreciate your post. My first child was a year and a half old when my sister died, and we had two more children after him. I think I was so busy with my own life that I never took time to process what had happened and to mourn.

The worst part is my relationship with the friend who has known our family forever (over 40 years). I have always experienced her as being somewhat judgmental, and I've never been able to fully relax around her since my sister died. Part of me is just sure she looks at our family and thinks, "Losers."

[Miss Information]

Originally Posted by Verity

I am so sorry for the losses you and your sister experienced. I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.

I appreciate your post. My first child was a year and a half old when my sister died, and we had two more children after him. I think I was so busy with my own life that I never took time to process what had happened and to mourn.

The worst part is my relationship with the friend who has known our family forever (over 40 years). I have always experienced her as being somewhat judgmental, and I've never been able to fully relax around her since my sister died. Part of me is just sure she looks at our family and thinks, "Losers."

Sounds like you need to spend as little time in contact with her as possible. But, in all honesty, if you can't the best way around that feeling is to assume positive intent until you know the truth. Right now you are making the assumption that she's thinking "losers" when that really may not be thinking at all. Or even if she is thinking that, you really can't control what she thinks and expresses, but you certainly could ask what she means by comments or looks that you don't understand what she means by. Unless of course, you really put too much stock in her opinion. That would make it harder to call her on things she says or any questionable vibes she gives off.

If the friend is more your parents' friend, then I wouldn't stress so much about her. You can chalk it up to the fact that she's insensitive and opinionated and move on. But if she's your friend, then that would make it harder.

My mom has a close family friend that is judgmental too, but I steer clear of her when she is at the house. She speaks from a place of bitterness about most things. I may have to go to family functions where she's at, but I don't have to share the same personal space as she does, you know?