Is there a tribe for people who tend to alienate others? - Page 5

[rightkindofme]

I'm a bit late to the party, but I promise that I fit in.

I have mellowed a lot as I have grown up but I still have a hard time with people. Part of what is hardest for me is that I often make terrible first impressions. People think I am overly aggressive, hostile, rude, abrasive, etc. Once they get to know me a little better I hear, "I used to think you were just rude, now I really appreciate that you are so honest and up front." I used to make friends really easily but at this point I think that most of those people were "friends" in the myspace/livejournal sort of sense: they aren't your friends they are people you know. Once upon a time I was considered one of the biggest nexxus points for the bay area freak communities. When I got married and went monogamous my popularity evaporated. I guess I know why I was popular.

I'm not even sure that people stopped liking me. I think it is more that the party-crowds value group interactions over individual interactions and I'm not interested in partying anymore.

I alienate my family in a big way though. My family is uneducated, reactionary, and they tend to think that laws don't apply to them. I'm lawful good. (And a complete freakin nerd.) When my family is engaging in behavior that is harmful to minors I report them and then have to deal with fallout for years. And then there is the fact that most of my extended family won't acknowledge that I am alive because I reported my father for molesting me. I should have "kept my mouth shut."

So yeah. I've also got the issue that I don't suffer fools. Boy does this blow up regularly.

I have more I want to say but my teething kid who is nursing right now is sucking my brains out of my head with the milk. (I think the occasional bites distract me and keep the train of thought from being consistent.) And I wanted to respond to a bunch of posts individually but it took me two days to read the thread so I have forgotten what. *sigh*

[Heathen Mama]

I hope I don't get banned for asking the question, but how come so many posts are deleted? I post here so infrequently 'cause I don't want to respond to something I care about and have it yanked if it disagrees with the MDC rules in some way...

I've been alienating my very religious associates over issues of this election. When I was in high school, I was mildy acquainted with a girl (we were in detention together all the time, we fought once and we spoke but weren't "friends"). She told a few of us one afternoon that she was pregnant with her father's baby. She wound up miscarrying after just 3 months. That really shaped my views about women and their rights and their bodies, and how girls shouldn't ever have to make those decisions.

Anyone who's not intelligent enough to do more than quote slogans and talking points is really gonna be put off by me.

And I seem to be waist deep in those types!

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by Heathen Mama

I hope I don't get banned for asking the question, but how come so many posts are deleted? I post here so infrequently 'cause I don't want to respond to something I care about and have it yanked if it disagrees with the MDC rules in some way...

If you have specific questions, your best bet would be to PM a moderator or administrator rather than discuss it here on the thread. From the User Agreement:

Do not post to debate or challenge the MDC User Agreement, the moderators, administrators, or their actions. Constructive criticism and questions for purposes of clarification are best addressed directly to the moderator or administrator by private message or personal e-mail. If this is not successful, see Recourse.

Obviously, to respect members' privacy, we're not going to discuss individual User Agreement violations with you unless they were your User Agreement violations.

Just stick to the UA and you should be fine.

[rightkindofme]

Man I need this tribe more than usual lately. Anyone else noticing Mercury's retrograde? I feel like I'm arguing way more than usual and I don't like it.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

Man I need this tribe more than usual lately. Anyone else noticing Mercury's retrograde? I feel like I'm arguing way more than usual and I don't like it.

Oh, man....I always get into arguments during Mercury Retrogrades! And I usually find out it's a retrograde after I've resigned from a chat group in a huff and gotten my feelings hurt by someone else, and said something that came out wrong to someone else.....I really should pay more attention to when they're coming up and just hide.

I just posted in TAO, it may not be showing up yet, but my router tried to catch fire yesterday morning and I was without the internet until this afternoon. Is that the ultimate Mercury Retrograde communication snafu, or what? :

[nonconformnmom]

I can relate so much to what people in this tribe are experiencing! I don't have time to post now, but I hope to commiserate on this thread a bit later ....

[yogal]

so can someone sum up the last 4 pages of this thread.

i think my boyfriend is one of you and I'd like to learn about it so I can cope with it because up to right now I've basically just been alienating him right back until we're both alienating each other.
I try to catch myself before I do it but sometimes its just hard to not feel like we're drifting so far apart.

Does any of this make sense?

[nonconformnmom]

Wow, see, this is me to a T. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone!

Originally Posted by Sierra

• When I am really interested, engaged, and animated, people think I am being passiontely argumentative.
• If I am willing to engage with an idea for the duration of a conversation from a fairly singular viewpoint in order to give me a particular homebase with which to critically and skeptically evaluate an opposing idea, people assume that I am passionately, fervently, and genuinely attached to that viewpoint. And it doesn't matter if I give the disclaimer that I am engaging with the viewpoint for the advantage of a place at which to contrast another viewpoint in order to look critically at it. So few people apparently engage in this type of thinking, that it is the rare gem who can accept me at my word.
• I am not a know-at-all, and I try not to act like one. Actually, I tend to be very humble. However, people frequently seem to mistake me being opinionated for being a know-it-all. The two seem distinctly different to me, and I am easily convinced that my opinion is wrong when it is, if I am presented with information that indicates I am wrong. I do not claim to have all the information I need before forming an initial opinion.
• Apparently people are turned off by my neutral or thinking faces. I am told regularly that I have an angry, uspet, frustrated face when I am in fact just deep in thought or just sitting neutrally with little emotion at all. This is actually one of those things that I find most hurtful.
• I am direct, and bottom-line in my style of communication. I am completely confused by the emotional undertones that people seem to assign to much communication. I am blown away by the way people read emotional information in factual statements I make.
• That said, I am an emotional and sensitive person. I have obsessive anxiety about almost every single relational exchange I have with people. My conversation yesterday with the gal from my work probably blew over for her in a couple of hours, for me, I am still tearful about it today. This itself doesn't really alienate people, but I do think it makes me too fearful about seeking relationships.
• I too am highly empathetic, and I am particularly defensive about underdogs or vulnerable people (or animals).
• I care deeply for people but tend to somehow be very transient in my relationships. I seem to float in and out of engagement with people. Just because I haven't called someone I love for more than a year doesn't mean I love them any less. For me, even though I am an extrovert and seek social relationships, I have trouble with committed behavior in my friendships.
• I am very forgetful. Many times people have to remind me of conversations we've had, things we've done together, or information they have shared with me. For me, it isn't a reflection of importance. I have a problem in my brain where I just can't access stored information easily.
• I'm highly intellectual. I don't think of myself as particularly smart, but I am wired to think non-stop and to always be seeking to learn. My leisurely activities include research, political engagement, reading (often non-fiction), writing (often non-fiction), and educational events such as parenting workshops. I have little energy or patience for most of the "relaxing pastimes" of my peers.
• I am a verbose person. This turns some off. On the other hand, sometimes words fail me when I need them most. Especially in emotional situations. This turns others off.
• People sometimes think I am critical because I look at things critically.
• I am the last to grow tired of many debates/conversations. I sometimes stick on a subject for too long, and when other start to think it is running round in circles, sometimes I am seeing finer and finer nuances emerge or am just coming to understand another viewpoint with greater and greater clarity. I also have been accused of being repetitive when I talk because I tend to see important but subtle nuances in language as if they have been highlighted mid-air.
• I usually differentiate more than others between challenging someone's ideas, even deeply held beliefs, and challenging or attacking someone's person. I don't mind debate in the least...its an activity I've enjoyed since childhood. And I don't have to even have an attachment to the topic.
• In the last couple of years I have become totally pop culturally illiterate.

.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by yogal

so can someone sum up the last 4 pages of this thread.

i think my boyfriend is one of you and I'd like to learn about it so I can cope with it because up to right now I've basically just been alienating him right back until we're both alienating each other.
I try to catch myself before I do it but sometimes its just hard to not feel like we're drifting so far apart.

Does any of this make sense?

Well, we could but you would get more out of it by reading the whole thread. It isn't that long.

The short version: man do we have trouble communicating sometimes. UGH!

[quietasariot]

Can I join? I swear, I feel like I could write a book on How to Alienate Others. :/. Especially females! LOL.

[nonconformnmom]

Originally Posted by quietasariot

Can I join? I swear, I feel like I could write a book on How to Alienate Others. :/. Especially females! LOL.

Well ..... I dunno ..... I feel kinda alienated by you already.









(If you need a co-author for your book, I'm available.)

[quietasariot]

Lol :d

[mrsshunk]

I feel right at home here. I'm for some reason a really intimidating person, or so I am told. I love to debate, but I do listen as well. I'm terrible at being anything but brutally honest. There's nothing I hate more than people beating around the bush. If I don't have anything I want to say, I don't waste time with mindless small talk chit chat. I make no apologies for offending people; they should know how to deal with someone else's opinion. For some reason I can't seem to remember that other people are so much more sensitive than me.

[raykelnickicola]

.

Edited by raykelnickicola - 3/16/11 at 10:50pm

[user_name]

howdy! ? enjoying reading this thread...feeling like i'm playing a role in a movie whose name i don't know and almost all you guys are versions of me. how self-absorbed is that? sorry -- just wanting to relate further and connect with fellow disconnectors some more...

[NaturalMamma]

What an interesting thread

You mean, I'm not alone?! :

I wonder if there is a name for our kind of personality?

I can so relate to all these things...and the things you said, Sierra. I'm super empathetic, sensitive yet a bit tough and direct with people. I can't stand being around any form of pretentiousness (sp?)...I like people to be "real" and am totally turned off by artificial people and superficial chit-chat. My biggest thing is that I like things to be "on the table"--for people to be honest and open with me. And I hate verbal/mind games! You have a problem with me--just say it! Instead people drop hints about something they want or expect from me and then they get irritated when I haven't gotten the message. Oh, I'm getting the message, but for pete's sake--be a grown up and speak your mind. And when people throw jabs at me and I'm standing there wondering if I'm being overly sensitive...should I let it go, should I say something. But I'm not usually that quick-witted. It's later when I'm obsessing over the remark that I come up with something.

Yeah--I just say stuff too. Like someone who was talking about her credit card debt. I just blurted out, "man--you gotta just pay that off!"

It find it a little irritating when I'm at dinner somewhere and everyone plays the little game of "who is going to get the last remaining potatoes" where someone who really wants them isn't going to say something b/c she doesn't want to appear selfish and then someone ends up finishing them just so they don't go to waste, but they don't really want them. Can't people just simply say what they want and everyone can negotiate openly? I nipped that in the bud when DH and I met. "If you really want to see a certain movie, just say it. If I want to see something else, I'll say it and we'll compromise/negotiate."

Well, that's my little contribution to this therapy session.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by NaturalMamma

It find it a little irritating when I'm at dinner somewhere and everyone plays the little game of "who is going to get the last remaining potatoes" where someone who really wants them isn't going to say something b/c she doesn't want to appear selfish and then someone ends up finishing them just so they don't go to waste, but they don't really want them. Can't people just simply say what they want and everyone can negotiate openly?

We don't have that problem in our house. The default is that my husband will finish everything because he loves to eat (and he has a higher metabolism). If I want it I tell him early on that he isn't allowed to finish it because I want more. He always sets aside waaaaaaay more than I really want so that I can be sure to have enough.

You gotta be pushy when you live with a guy who has four brothers. In his house you ate fast or you didn't eat.

[JollyGG]

Originally Posted by quietasariot

Can I join? I swear, I feel like I could write a book on How to Alienate Others. :/. Especially females! LOL.

This one struck me. I don't have a problem alienating everyone. Just women. I am a female but I grew up with brothers, I went into science a career. I do just fine communicating with men but women and I often have issues. I did discover once I moved into my career field that I have not problem with the women I now work with. I think a lot of them left behind a lot of the pettiness and catiness to get here. But in groups of moms or in previous jobs (substitute teaching, nurses aid) where the demographic was mostly female I tended to have issues. Even in high school when I was in sports I would get along way better with the guys teams but had trouble working with my own teammates.

Anyone else only have issues with one gender or the other?

[leosmommy]

.

[mama librarian]

"i think my boyfriend is one of you and I'd like to learn about it so I can cope with it because up to right now I've basically just been alienating him right back until we're both alienating each other." -Yogal



Yogal, I can relate. I just discovered this group, and although I personally do not have these characteristics, my partner belongs to this tribe without a doubt, and it is edifying for me just to know that there are others out there like him. He is incredibly social, but is unable to fulfill that need because he tends to just turn everyone off. I feel hurt for him, but am unable to change anything. As it is, I am an introvert, and will avoid conflict at all costs, and unfortunately, his personality tends to cause a bit of conflict with others. He is forthright, logical, full of opinions and ideas, and just tends to send people scurrying for more 'common' ground. He is completely unable to 'do' small talk, and has facial expressions that just seem to aggravate people. It hurts me because I know he desperately wants to connect with other people, and thinks he is doing so, until he is rejected time and again. He has good intentions, but others aren't able to see past his demeanor. I am having a hard time not blaming him for our lack of social interactions and friends, and when I do make acquantainces with someone who is a potential 'friend', I am embarrassed to introduce him, because I know what their reaction will be. I know this wasn't helpful to your situation, but sometimes an empathetic ear makes the difference.

I feel like I inadvertantly belong to this tribe, simply because my life partner is a member, and it helps me to see things from his perspective.

Thanks