Homebirthers without the support of relatives (or if you just didn't tell them)- how soon after...

[Rocketgal]

I'm kind of thinking of calling my parents and in-laws maybe 6 hours after we have the baby and if anyone asks questions we'll just make off like we had the baby at the hospital lol... I don't know. I know most people who have babies in the hospital give the grandparents a call *right away* and then the whole darn party shows up at the hospital to see the poor baby lol! So I kind of feel bad that they won't get that first "hospital meeting," know what I mean? I know they're going to raise hell about it, the fact that they weren't "invited to the hospital." Ugh... But I keep telling myself this is not about them, this is about us and our baby and I should not feel guilty. Right???

Telling= child protective services being called and *years* of harassment from parents who are both doctors. Not to mention they'd try to prevent it in any way possible and the stress I'm sure would be enough to kill me! Much less stressful than say having to hide a homebirth.

Edit: Frankly, and somehwat sheepishly, I could care less about whether or not I'm contributing to the worldwide acceptance of homebirth- my baby, my birth experience and my relationships with family are more important to me than that. Basically what I'm saying is that with some people there is just no use arguing. (Particularly if they're of unsound mind, KWIM?)

[jrabbit]

if you fib about "where" the baby was born, it will come back to haunt you. I think you could imply that you didn't get to the hospital on time, or avoid that aspect of the birth entirely. Usually, it's much easier to tell the truth about a home birth after it's happened successfully. We told the parents about a month before Molly was born - I had a lot of guilt associated with "not" telling.

--janis

[by-the-lake]

Just want to say this. Your baby, your birth experience. If you are not too comfortable sharing your choice of homebirth, wait the 6 hours or so then call. Say you and babe were doing so well you went home right away. Tell them its much more comfortable to meet baby at your home instead of the hospital. Please don't feel guilty.

[amydidit]

If for some reason I felt I absolutely couldn't tell my family where I gave birth I would probably wait a day, then call and just say the baby was born and you're resting at home. No need to say you went home already, or that you gave birth at home. Just, you are home.

Though personally, I wouldn't try to hide it. Why bother with the energy needed to deceive?

[peainthepod]

Anyone who would call CPS on me for having a safe birth in my own home wouldn't be allowed within 100 feet of my family or me. Are you sure they would do this or is it a "worst fear" kind of thing?

It's no one's business but yours where you choose to have your baby. Call them...or don't. You're a grown woman and don't have to do anything you don't want to. At the very least, you don't have to divulge the details of your birth. Just tell them you're home with the baby and ready for visitors (or not).

We're not letting anyone visit until 2 weeks after the baby is born. I need that time to recover and establish nursing and bond with my new baby and my husband. I can't even imagine having potentially hostile people around only six hours later! But different strokes etc.

[mustangtbn]

We didn't call anyone until the next day - but that was because we were both exhausted from being up for about 36 hours and not quite ready to come out of the bubble of bonding with our baby until after we had slept. Don't be afraid to insist on some alone time (like even a week or 2) with your baby before inviting over extended family or other guests, either, if find that's what you want. While other people, especially grandparents, are understandably excited, you are exactly right that really this is about you, your baby, and DH.

As for telling them, I'd say just confidently tell them (afterward to decrease your stress going in), as it will probably come up at some point anyway. You are making the best, safest decision for your family and your situation, based on your (probably extensive) research. I'm not sure if them possibly calling CPS is a "worst fear" kind of scenario in your mind or something you truly believe they will do, but I agree with PP that anyone who called CPS on me for my birth/parenting decisions, would no longer be a part of my or my DC's life.

[Thefrawg]

I sympathize with you. It is one thing to "give the finger" to strangers and such, but family is so complicated. I am not sure what I am planning to do either. I know if I don't invite my mother and sisters to my birth at some point, that the hurt feelings and guilt trips will haunt all family gatherings for a long time. It isn't fair, or very adult behavior, but it is family! But I can't have all that fear and anxiety in my home during labor! How unproductive!

Is homebirth illegal in your state? Where are you? I have told my family that I am not afraid of the evidence. If they can find credible statistical data to show that homebirth is unsafe, I would love to read it. Not anecdotes or stories from Baby Center (or whatever that cable show is called!).

This has helped me, in my mind at least, to ease the guilt and frustration. I know they love me. IF they are willing to bring actual studies and facts to the conversation, then I am willing to discuss it. IF not, we just have to agree to disagree.


Maybe that will help you too??? It doesn't really answer your question. I guess on the timeline, if you believe that you are doing the right thing, then don't hide it. Wait until you are ready to visitors and then call them. Play it by ear and see how your birth goes. Maybe you will be ready sooner, or later than 6 hours!

[jrabbit]

wow. I can't imagine a scenario where family would call CPS *after* a healthy loved baby has been born, just because it was born at home. My mother is a doctor, too, and she disagrees with home birth on principal, but she would never suggest that I was harming my child by doing so. Of course, she might be the first to say "I told you so" if something bad happens. (And, of course, that would probably be the last time I talked to her, but I am not planning for that worst case scenario.)

I'm sorry that you feel such negative pressure. I still wouldn't make up a hospital story. I'd omit that detail entirely. Wait 24 hours, then call and say you're home and in another 24 hours, they could visit ...

What if: you call CPS and find out anonymously if there is a procedure for that type of complaint? I have a friend who works for CPS, and they aren't obligated to follow up on just any type of call.

best wishes
--janis

[barefootpoetry]

We had a "home" birth but didn't give birth at OUR house, so I called my mom after the birth. It was around 1 in the morning by the time we were settled, so even if we'd been at home, I doubt we would have had visitors banging down our door at that hour. Still, it was really nice to go to sleep that night just the three of us (we spent the night there), and we hung out for a while the next day waiting for our appointment time at the peds to roll around. When we got home in the late evening, we called the family again and they all came over.

[Georgetown HB Mom]

I would not lie about where you had the baby. This is the kind of thing that continues to help stir the pot that homebirth is bad or unsafe. I know a labor and delivery nurse who has a dad that is a family practice doctor. She decided to give birth at home. Her dad and family were not very supportive so she invited them to the birth. She had a beautiful birth and now her dad has an entirely different opinion about birth and is supportive of homebirth. I am not saying to invite your family because that can be a huge stress but I would not hide the fact that I was giving birth at home. And if they give you a hard time about it I would suggest some reading they can do and if they continued to give me a hard time about it I would tell them unless you have something supportive to say, don't say anything at all. Also, if they threaten to call CPS that should be the last time they are allowed around you or your baby. And if they try to harrass you about it for years to come you need to tell them to stop. You are a grown women and you are a mother and you need to stand by the decisions you make even if others do not agree with it. And if people including your parents do not want to respect the decisions you make then maybe you should reconsider having them in your life. Don't lie about the choices you make.

Lisa
Homebirth mom, senior midwife student

[bvnms]

Originally Posted by Rocketgal

I'm kind of thinking of calling my parents and in-laws maybe 6 hours after we have the baby and if anyone asks questions we'll just make off like we had the baby at the hospital lol... I don't know. I know most people who have babies in the hospital give the grandparents a call *right away* and then the whole darn party shows up at the hospital to see the poor baby lol! So I kind of feel bad that they won't get that first "hospital meeting," know what I mean? I know they're going to raise hell about it, the fact that they weren't "invited to the hospital." Ugh... But I keep telling myself this is not about them, this is about us and our baby and I should not feel guilty. Right???

Telling= child protective services being called and *years* of harassment from parents who are both doctors. Not to mention they'd try to prevent it in any way possible and the stress I'm sure would be enough to kill me! Much less stressful than say having to hide a homebirth.

Edit: Frankly, and somehwat sheepishly, I could care less about whether or not I'm contributing to the worldwide acceptance of homebirth- my baby, my birth experience and my relationships with family are more important to me than that. Basically what I'm saying is that with some people there is just no use arguing. (Particularly if they're of unsound mind, KWIM?)

If you're sure they would call CPS, I would wait the 6 hours and then say you're back home. I've had to deal with CPS before because of my ex's sister(not because of homebvirth but still it was not needed) and I can't blame you at all for not wanting them involved. It took 2 years to get them out of our lives and now that sister of his is never allowed to be anywhere near my kids.

[pantufla]

Hmmm. Are they going to question why you were "released" from the hospital so early???

I would definitely wait to call them. Or give them a quick call, say, "baby's born, gotta go! We'll call you later when we're ready for visitors." and then just call six or 12 hours later and say you are home.

I'm so sorry, this is the last thing you should be dealing with when preparing for your baby.

[laohaire]

The welfare of your family comes first, so I too would be willing to lie my head off.

But I'd be afraid, especially with doctors as parents, that the lie could totally unravel and thus be worse.

I'm not giving advice to do or not do anything, but you'd have to consider the questions that your parents will ask. Some posters in this thread have implied that you can just duck the issue, but I can't imagine any parents, much less DOCTOR parents, who aren't going to have some questions about the birth. Which OB was on call? Why did they release you so early? Don't you have to go back in tomorrow for a checkup since you had an early release? Did they do the heel stick? Etc.

The scenario where you just waited too long and "accidentally" had the baby at home, I don't think that would work in this case either. Most people who do that call the ambulance. And then the baby is admitted for a couple of days because the birth would have been "septic." There would be a whole lot more questions than even an implied hospital birth.

I wonder if lying and saying you went to a birthing center might be a better idea. Sure, it may still horrify your parents, but most people see it as "more legit' than homebirth. Then it would be easier to explain early release and so on. Also your M.D. parents won't know the staff there. (You definitely would have to pick out a birthing center, get the name of a midwife there, and know where it is for the lie to possibly stand up). Just from what I know from your post, I'm kind of thinking this might be the better scenario.

PS: I totally agree with a PP that I would also have difficulty having any relationship with anyone who I seriously thought would call CPS on my family.

[mpvelaz]

I had a hospital birth with DS and didn't call any family until about 5-6 hours after he was born because I didn't want anyone there and it wasn't until the next day that anyone even came to visit. I am planning to have a homebirth when I get pregnant with the next and I will do the same thing then as well.

[zoebird]

i gave birth at 1:30 am. thus, we slept until 9 or so, then called everyone.

[njbeachgirl]

I gave birth at 11:47 pm and we called everyone the next morning. Our family was supportive(ish) but I needed to labor alone, and it didn't seem to make sense to call in the middle of the night when we just wanted to go to sleep anyway.

[forumyonly1]

i'm having a home birth this time and i'm not telling my parents or my in laws.. but they all live out of state so that's not a real problem for me. i plan on calling them the next day and saying the baby is here.. i may imply that we didn't make it to the hospital if they press the issue or i may just say we're home and we're fine! either way.. i don't need the stress that would come from telling them so that's my plan!-- if they live near you.. i would wait 24 hours so they wont be concerned about why you were released from teh hospital so early!

[claddaghmom]

If someone calling CPS is a true concern for you and not just one of those many worries we pregnant women have, then why bother calling them up?

I would not be anywhere near someone who would bring so much stress and possible pain to my family.

[tammyswanson]

(sigh)..why does it have to be so ding dang complicated?

I told DH to tell NO ONE on his side about our plans to UC HB..and I told NO ONE on my side. Dh of course told his mother, but at least she didn't try to meddle (too much). We didn't call anyone until the next day, and we didn't have anyone come down till at least 2 weeks afterwards.

We took DS to the hospital on day 3, but it was only because my mother was freaking out because we hadn't taken him to a germ ridden hospital yet..never mind there was nothing wrong with him. The only good thing about that experience is, I used the hospital record to help me get a birth certificate. But, at the hospital they thought we were 'suspicious' and even dressed up a cop as a doctor to try and 'catch us' at something. What, I have no idea!

At least with my parents, they just told me to call when I wanted them to come down. They didn't 'demand' that we let them come right away, even though DS is their first (and probably only) grandchild.

Also, when I finally told my mom that I had planned the whole thing, she said that she sort of thought I did..a few weeks after I had the birth..she said she thought maybe I did because I knew 'too many details' about what to do, the terminology, etc.

I hope that whatever you decide to do, that it works out for the best for you and your LO. Go with your 'inner voice'. That is what guided me, and I'm so glad I listen to it.

[bobandjess99]

how far away are these people? Is it likein teh same town and you see them daily-ish?

honestly, if I truly thought they would involve CPS (well, I'd move far away from them, but that's another story..LOL!) I would wait a couple days, if that is at all an option. Wait until you have visited your ped/family doc, such that even though you are dropping the "he was born at home" bomb, you can back it right up with the "and we took him to the doctor yesterday and everything checked out fine!" such that they have absooutely zero footing to stand on from a CPS standpoint, and even if they still have the audacity to call, you wil have a record of your babe havig seen a doctor.

If you do not have a doc and are not planning to see one within a couple days of the birth....i'm not sure. I'd honestly probably just cut them outof my life if they wantewd to be buttholes to me. Period.