third at 40?

[hippymomma69]

So I just need some btdt stories I guess....

I've been wanting a 3rd child lately but I'm just so unsure. My logical brain says "stop while you're ahead" and there are so many reasons to stop at two: my relationship has been really rocky due to addiction on my partner's part - but he's in recovery now and things are looking MUCH better - but I'm not sure if the stress of a baby is right for us right now. Also, I'm almost 40 and have one child with mild special needs (APD, SPD, ADHD) and I'm not sure if I'm up for another one, especially since all your risks go up over 40. We might have to get another car, our house is quite small (though I'm sure it's been done in small houses before!), we travel 2-3 times a year across the country to see relatives and it's expensive, it would put off me going back to work and restarting my career, etc....so logically, my brain says maybe I should stop.

OTOH, I feel like someone is missing. I am jealous of people who have three (or more). I know I definitely don't want 4. I just always pictured having three - I'm not sure why. So my gut is saying go for it...but my head says all these other reasons mean I shouldn't....

So tell me, ladies, if you were pushing 40 (or over) and were contemplating another child, how did you make your decision one way or the other? Did any of these same concerns weigh in (potential genetic problems, career issues, relationship issues, etc?)....

tia
peace,
robyn

[avivaelona]

So tell me, ladies, if you were pushing 40 (or over) and were contemplating another child, how did you make your decision one way or the other? Did any of these same concerns weigh in (potential genetic problems, career issues, relationship issues, etc?)....

Honestly potential genetic problems were not really something I worried about, it is true that your chances go up but it is also true that they are still small.

Relationship issues were not a concern here because I felt that having just one child was actually worse for our relationship than two would be. (complicated reasons, not even going to try to explain) I do think your concerns about your partner's recovery status are very very valid though and would think hard about it and discuss with him in detail.

Career issues were a concern, not so much the career itself, but just the feeling that my son was finally starting to have some independence and that going back to work was in sight for me, and now it will be several more years. That was a consequence of the fact that we waited a little while between kids because my son was fairly high needs and we couldn't have handled another a year or two ago but it still is worrisome to think about. At 41 I don't really have the luxury of taking 10 years out of the work force and finding myself still marketable at the end. I also was particularly concerned because unlike most women who have children late I did not have a strongly defined career to return to and the idea of starting fresh at 45 or so is daunting. It wasn't enough though to keep me from feeling the need to have another child.

For us though the first child is missing and so my second would have been raised as an only, and for various reasons that just seemed like a very bad idea for our family. I don't think I personally would go to as great a length to add a third otherwise.

I think you should weigh all these things, but obviously the way you feel your family should be also has a lot of weight in any decision. One way to think about it is to hypothetically imagine that the choice has been taken away from you. How would you feel if you found yourself unexpectedly pregnant tomorrow? How would you feel if you found you couldn't have any more children tomorrow? Try designating one thing heads, and one thing tails and flipping a coin, sometimes those instantaneous reactions tell us more about our real feelings than any amount of thinking can.

For what its worth, pregnancy has been a little harder on me this time, possibly because of my age, because I'm actually in better health than I was last time around. But it hasn't been a huge change and I don't feel particularly older pregnant at 41 than I did pregnant at 37 or 38.

[PassionateWriter]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

especially since all your risks go up over 40.


So tell me, ladies, if you were pushing 40 (or over) and were contemplating another child, how did you make your decision one way or the other? Did any of these same concerns weigh in (potential genetic problems, career issues, relationship issues, etc?)....

tia
peace,
robyn

i am 40 and due w/ no. 4 any day now.

the financial and relationship issues are something you really need to think about but as far as your statement above, i did alot of research on this issue and its just simply not true that "risks" go up at age 40. do your own research on the issues and don't take my word for it, but that is the conclusion that i came to (the research they tend to scare you w/ is over 30 years old).

there are a few tribes here (but they moved them from teh tribal area for some reason..i dont konw where they went) w/ pregnant over 40 and parenting over 40.

i had my first at 22, so its definitely different. but not what i *thought* it would be when i was 22.

[wagamama]

Hi, I can relate to you in that I'm 40 with two small kids (three and nine months). Unlike you, however, I absolutely don't want another. My children don't sleep well, and I haven't had a good night's sleep since the day DS was born over three years ago, and I am truly exhausted. I am so looking forward to DD sleeping better in the coming year, and recovering my health, and also sort of recovering myself, in terms of having more free time to do the things I love, like reading -- haven't read a book in three years either. And finally, DH and I need to "recover" our marriage, which has broken down somewhat admidst the chaos of having two kids who hardly sleep.

DH actually wants another one, but everytime he mentions it, I basically react like "Are you nuts?"

For me, the age/genetics thing was worrisome, even with my second. The reason is, I don't think I would be able to handle a special needs child very well, being that I'm so tired all the time already.

But also, I've always imagined having two, so two is perfect for me. If you have always imagined having three, though, I can see your dilemma. Sorry, I'm not much help, am I?

[A&A]

My advice is to quit while you're ahead! Especially since your relationship with your partner is rocky.

And the economy is poised to go down hard, and soon. I hate to be the voice of doom, but it's true. Are you sure you want a third mouth to feed?


And I do have empathy--if all the factors were just right, I'd have a third. (I've even had dreams about a third child.) But they're not. So I'm stopping with two. Sometimes that longing for a third means you need to mourn the loss of a potential third child, but not necessarily actually go ahead and have that third child.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

OTOH, I feel like someone is missing.

I think that statement may hold your answer. I also like what avivaelona said about evaluating how you'd feel if you found you were pregnant tomorrow, versus finding you were infertile.

[LynnS6]

Can you handle being the single momma of 3 kids? One with mild special needs and one unknown (maybe no special needs, maybe major special needs)? Given your husband's issues and the somewhat rocky relationship, I'd say that single parenthood is a definite possibility somewhere in your future if you add significant stress without making sure that your relationship is on very very stable ground.

With 3, the kids outnumber adults, and they outnumber the number of hands you have as a mom.

Have the 2 of you been in counseling? Do you have excellent communication? How long has your partner been in recovery and what's the data suggest for him staying there? Read up parenting/being partnered with someone who has an addiction.

For me, career and relationship issues said "No third child". Dh and I have an excellent relationship. I also had pre- and post-natal depression with BOTH children, and dh asked me not to get pg again. The risks of genetic anomalies wouldn't hold me back (those risks are small, and we've got enough resources and social capital to navigate the world with a special needs child) -- it would be relationship and financial (because dh would have to give up working).

No one can make this decision for you. It's a very personal one. But I'd play out various scenarios in my head and see how I felt about them.

[JBaxter]

Baby #4 due soon and I m 41! I have to admit this one was a bit of a suprise but Its been a blast being pregnant this time. Its been my easiest pregnancy so far OH and my 4th boy!

If you want another GO FOR IT

[hippymomma69]

Just to answer a few questions....

-DP and I are in counseling, he has THREE therapists, he is doing great with recovery but it has only been 6 months so I don't want to rush things. Six months ago I was ready to file for divorce but a wise momma on here (and our marriage counselor) suggested that I slow down - and I'm so glad I did because DH decided he couldn't live without his family, that he was in crisis and finally got the help he needed....I faced being a mom to two kids by myself and oddly, I felt like I would be comfortable having 2 as a single mom (I'd kind of been gearing up for a while, getting extra help in place etc) but knew that if I were single two was enough...but if DH is in the picture, I constantly feel like our family is missing someone - it's just weird to explain but it's just a gut feeling thing. But I try to keep in mind that if something were to happen with his recovery (like a relapse) that then i would have three kids by myself and it does feel daunting....but i don't want to live with "what ifs..." if they never come to pass, kwim?

-we did have a pregnancy "scare" one month and honestly, I was elated - both because I felt like the decision was out of my hands and because it just felt right - I was more worried about DH's reaction and he even started getting excited...but I think I had an early miscarriage because before I could even test, I started really heavy bleeding, more than normal. But I know my body pretty well and I'm pretty sure those hormones were doing their thing thinking I was pregnant....anyway the answer is, if it accidently happened, I think I would be excited. If I was told I could never have more kids I would be really sad, again feeling like I'll never meet that child I was meant to have, but I wouldn't be devastated and I have so much to appreciate right now that I would feel like I had my shot, kwim?

-otoh (how many hands is that now?) if I decided to go ahead and then DH relapses and we divorce OR if the child has problems (I wouldn't terminate) then I might feel like I was being irresponsible and for the sake of my other two I shouldn't have gone for the third....

-with regards to economics, DH was just made a lucrative job offer and will probably take it so we should be good for a little while...so my going back to work is really more about me and my needs than an economic need....and I'm starting to volunteer in the area I'm interested in maybe trying to get a job later so I feel like I'm at least doing something towards that....

thanks so much for all your btdt stories - they are very helpful even though they are all so different...your perspectives help me really think through some of this stuff! And I have to admit, it's not entirely in my court to decide - DH is not sure either, in fact less sure than me. But he keeps saying "well what do you think?" so it's not so helpful LOL

peace,
robyn

[damona]

Originally Posted by hippymomma69

OTOH, I feel like someone is missing. I am jealous of people who have three (or more). I know I definitely don't want 4. I just always pictured having three - I'm not sure why. So my gut is saying go for it...but my head says all these other reasons mean I shouldn't....

i'm 28, i have 4 kids already, and i still have these feelings. i get horribly jealous every time one of my friends, irl or online, tells me they are pg!

also, i have, as i said, 4 kids, all boys, all with varying degrees of special needs and/or food allergies. life is utter chaos (oddly enough, as i was typing this i had to pause to go get an ice pack for ds4 ). we are so broke it isn't funny anymore. and DH and i have had a pretty rocky relationship, up til recently (depression and ADD issues on both sides). with all of that, i can't imagine not having my whole tribe. and i would be so ridiculously happy if i were to turn up pregnant tomorrow...

i wouldn't worry about genetic problems or downs or any of that, honestly. my personal feeling (which you are certainly not required to share lol) is that the universe gives you what you can handle.

i would say go with your gut.

[Mama Poot]

I'm 23 and have 3 children and I know I'm DONE. I did meet a mama your age once at the playground. She had a 14yo and a 2yo and she said she was so glad to have another, and figured she had the energy and the desire to do it, so why not? She did have the genetic testing done, but only for her own personal peace of mind. I personally would not because I'd be too afraid of the risks with having amnio, but again that is such a personal decision.

Given your situation I'd say don't do it. Yes, things are okay now but there is always that possibility that things may not be okay down the road, and do you *really* want to deal with being a single mom to three, bad economy, etc etc...?

I know I'm very excited about the fact that I won't even be 40 when my oldest graduates from high school. It is refreshing to know that I'll still have many of the best and healthiest years of my life ahead of me to do whatever I want and pursue all of my dreams and goals.

Just my .02!

[mayalee]

To the OP: how old are your children?

[EmsMom]

Only you can really know what is in your heart about having another baby. I had my second at 41 and I didn't really pause about it at all. However, certain things were made more difficult. Now I am 46 and comtemplating a job/career and that is certainly more difficult that it would have been 5 years ago when I was only out of work for 4 years. The last 5 years flew by faster than I thought possible. Physically, I am certainly able to keep up and enjoy my children and am so grateful for my sweet little guy. Unfortunately, there is also a very large part of myself that is just kind of needing a break with the kind of mothering I did with my first. I don't think it is better or worse, but it is different. My cycles are starting to change. My viewpoint is turning away from home. So I am kind of torn between the two things. Most women at my age are looking at only a few more years of intense parenting. I am looking at 15 +. I am trying to figure out how retirement jives with college tuitions, what industries would be least likely to practice age discrimination, etc. I guess my only regret is being out of the work world for so long. While I was busy mothering, I could also have been working on a masters or something to give me a new career. I am deeply grateful the experience of having my son, though.

[hippymomma69]

Originally Posted by mayalee

To the OP: how old are your children?

Almost 5 (at the end of Oct) and just turned 2....does that make a difference? I guess if they were older "going back" to babydom would be harder but I'm kind of in that mode, kwim? Is that what you're getting at?

peace,
robyn

[gethane]

I'm 40 and have 5, though the youngest is 2.5. And I didn't see anyone else mention this so I thought I would. Going from 2 to 3 can be a hard jump. You no longer have one adult per small child to help with mundane things: shoes, potty, dressing, eating, etc. I found the jump from 2-3 (back when I was mid 20's) to be pretty difficult. Prior to 3 I still kept up on the laundry folding and putting away, after 3 the laundry all fell apart -- for years. I certainly wouldn't want to discourage someone who wanted another, talk about hypocrisy! but I did want to mention the jump in difficulty in just regular everyday life when you go from 2 to 3.

[mary3mama]

Hi, Robyn!

I'm Mary, already mama to 3 children.

Baby #3, also known as the amazing, beautiful, wonderful, cherished, Whingari, was born when I was 41.

She's almost 2, adored by her 2 older brothers and the light of my life.

I am deeply grateful everyday that I was open to having baby #3 and in my 40s.

No one can answer the question for you/your life. Follow your heart.

My Whingari was calling to me before conception. The only way to turn away from that call was to tear out a piece of my heart and hide it away forever...

::::::::

[Verity]

I had my third baby at 39. As someone who has btdt, I don't think age is your biggest issue. As other posters mentioned, I would think seriously about the state of your relationship with your dp and the needs of your other children. If I'd had any doubts about my relationship with my husband and/or one of my older two children had special needs, I would have thought a lot more carefully about adding a third child to the mix.

I know lots of people say that adding children to the family gets easier after the second child, but that wasn't my experience. Going from 2 to 3 children was every bit as hard on our family as going from 1 to 2. I also find that family members are much less willing to help with three children versus two. I don't know how supportive your family is and if they'd be willing to babysit more than two children at a time, but that definitely has been an issue for me.

[contactmaya]

I say, the more the merrier:, the rest is just excuses.

I had my 2nd at 41, pregnancy was a breeze. Ok, so mothering a baby and a toddler (had my fist at 38, seems so young now, i didnt bother to mention it) is tiring,i blame that, not my age.

My babies are in perfect health, no genetic mishaps because of my age.

Ill go for a third, if biology will let me, since i believe in child led weaning, and i'll be 43ish by the time it becomes an option. Im tandeming now.

Also, im a single mom, but i might meet mister right sometime. He has to like kids too though, and be a PARTNER, otherwise, he's mister wrong.

Go for it. 3's a good number. Siblings are good for each other (but keep an eye on them ;-)

I come from a big family which influences my thinking ....


good luck!
Maya

[RubyFriday]

Hi

My youngest - my #3 - was born a couple months before I turned 45. My older two were 7 and 10 y/o at the time.

In our case, the pg was unexpected. We were using bc, we were not even seriously considering ttc. I was 44 years old, my dh was also, & although I wasn't really against having another, time passed on and on without us ever getting around to it, until not only dh and my ages but also the older kids' ages (i.e. gap) and $$ because I'd want to take at least a few yrs off w/baby - we had pretty much decided there would not be a number 3... and as I said, actively preventing conception - or attempting to anyway.

Nevertheless, ds sneaked in somehow. : :

Immediately none of us could imagine life without him. Strange, when I saw him for the first time, I recognized him, he looked *very* familiar, as if I'd known him forever. This was my third time of having a baby, but the only time I had that sense of recognition at first sight. (I'm not sure how common that is, one way or the other, but I don't want to digress...) And, ds is one of the 3 greatest joys of my life, an amazing gift. :::

So of course I don't want to imagine life without ds, because I *know* him, intimately and personally - he's real to me (of course) esp. since he found his moment to emerge thus, ending my last pregnancy but ..... : .... if he was an unknown being, a "twinkle in the eye" not yet conceived ... (pls. don't mind my elaborate disclaimer but I'm sure you kwim, right?


Especially with the similarities between our situations myself and the OP - the dh w/history of substance difficulties, obviously no guarantee of staying in recovery, no reason (based on past events) to expect him to be mature or to have any stability in relationship - check, check. Here - stuff happened & things changed, chain of events leading to the point that dh became verbally/emotionally abusive, to all the kids in one form or another, and to me. When little ds was 3.5 I had to get dh to move out, by order of the judge, b/c he would not even consider that his drug use could be any kind of problem - but it was, maybe not directly, but it really super very much was.

Bitter, incredibly nasty custody battle to follow, during which some health problems surfaced and I had to have major surgery. My health (which was really not so bad at the time, honestly) became a factor in court, and the judge granted him joint custody.

Everything's on a pretty even keel though (not to whine but) I still have health issues, and it's hard to keep up with little ds. (The older two are rarely here, school, pt jobs, friends, etc.) And keeping it real with Xdh, although today, couldn't belive it, but he did have the sacs - afterr hearing that my tenants are moving out of state - to ask me if I'd rent to him and his girlfriend "temporarily", as they are being evicted from the house they're renting now, or whatever.

Oh, yeah. What ever. If we didn't have little ds, I'd be so very done with this guy (except saying "hey what's up" at some weddings & funerals we'lll both be attending someday [but not as each other's dates, most likely we'll both be with someone else by the time it's that far in the future!, but either way not each other's date...]) oops sorry to ramble...

The big kids aren't an issue, they are very independent and neither of us really "tells them what to do" (of course we do continue to offer guidelines, attempt to model the behaviors we'd like to see etc.) but with little ds, he's still very much under parental control, so his life is at the mercy of whatever his father and I can agree upon. I can't make any decisions, or do anythiing w/ds unless I have x's approval, and usually I don't argue or push issues w/x anymore (I think that discord was part of the prob. with my health - the stress). I hung on (stayed together) as long as I could, which ended up being until ds was 3.5 - b/c I knew x couldn't reallyhandle being w/ any of the LO's 1-on-1 until they were older (5 or 6), but he was mad so he he tried in court to get ds to live with him all the time claiming he's the main parent; obviously (to me) this was in retaliation at me for "forcing" him to move out. Btw I did talk to him about the probs, a LOT, and toward the end I did give a few ultimatums. But he was stubborn and/or didn't believe me, which made it all very acrimonious. He'd have ds, and ds would be devastated not being w/me, he really was, and x was mean about it and wouldn't let ds come home, even when he begged and criied. X would just tell him to shut up. While I heard him crying in the backgorund, on the phone.

It was really bad.

Plus even if not all that, just the reality that I will be making dinners, chekcing homeswork, buying clothes for, taking on outings etc. , what will soon be an "only child" for the 2nd 1/2 of his childhood. Part of why I had 2 in the 1st place was so they'd have each other but little ds won't.

I think, he's glad to be here, though. And Im' glad too.

[mammal_mama]

Hi, I forgot to mention upthread that I had my second dd shortly before my 41st birthday. It went great, homebirth and all, uncomplicated pregnancy too! And I'm forever grateful that we have her, and her big sister of course!. We'd love a 3rd -- we'll just have to see if God's got another one in store for us. We don't do anything to prevent.